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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or does charity beat everything?

82 replies

feckfeckfeck · 06/03/2015 22:53

I've name changed because while I don't think I'm BU I've never posted my own AIBU before and quite frankly I'm terrified if this all goes wrong for me. But I digress, on to the tale of woe:

Nice day here today so DS (3) & I decided to go for a very exciting long walk to the big supermarket on the other side of town. While we're getting ready to go out DS was playing with my purse, taking out coins and putting them into this little purse his gran gave him. I checked and he'd taken about £3 - £4 in pound coins and 20p & 50p pieces. He then put his purse in his backpack and told me he would pay for the shopping today. So far, so cute.

Got to the shop, wandered around, picked up a few things then went to pay. At the till there was two staff members, one on till, one doing something else. DS charms them both by chatting away and I get bags ready, get my purse out to pay and try and clear up for both of them what DS is talking about.

The staff member not on till asks lots of usual questions about DS and I answer as I put the shopping in the bags. Then I notice DS and the till lady are counting something out and I think "oh, he's trying to pay the lady for the shopping" but when I look to see whats happening (yes I was distracted although he was next to me) I see the till lady holding a charity collection tub towards DS and she's helping him count all the coins from his little purse into the tub.

I told him to stop and had a look at what was left - just the 20p's. I must have looked at the till lady like this as she just shrugged and said at least it was for charity. I looked at the woman I was taking to and she said something like "aww, at least it's for a good thing, not on sweets" (not verbatim). I stuck my card in the reader to pay and finally said I didn't think it was on the encourage a 3 year old to put all their money in the collection tub without asking their parent if it was ok. The woman on the till said nothing but the other one said (head tilted to the side and sounding sympathetic) "I know, but it is for charity" (that is verbatim, it's burned into my memory!)

I scoffed and left with DS, him asking did he pay for the shopping. I said yes.

So, AIBU in thinking you don't encourage little kids to put money in charity collection boxes without asking their parents first or does charity trump everything?

I know people will say I shouldn't have let DS keep the money. I know if it had been lost in other ways it would have been my fault but what happened today feels like it's been taken from him under my nose.

And yes I wasn't given him my full attention but he was at my side, I thought he was just talking to the woman.

The worst thing is I didn't even look to see what charity it was for. Knowing my luck it will be something dumb like a doll museum

OP posts:

TiggieBoo · 07/03/2015 08:51

Yanbu, that is really not on. It's just taking advantage of a 3 year old, how sad is this?

RufusTheReindeer · 07/03/2015 08:56

YANBU at all, in the slightest, she should have checked

And the "it's for charity" bit would have annoyed me too

AuntieStella · 07/03/2015 09:00

I would tell the shop, expressing a wish that a charity that uses such unethical tactics be barred from future collections.

(I also want you to name it here, so I can swerve it, but realise that publishing it on the Internet might be a step too far for you).

And the 'it's all for charity' does not excuse shitty behaviour.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/03/2015 09:02

YANBU. Supermarket and charity worker were in the wrong in my opinion for taking advantage of your being distracted and garnering money from him. You had no control about the amount or even charity! A lot of people don't like giving to certain charities or chuggers and its unfair to be placed on the spot to give!

The worst thing is they took advantage of your son they could see his age!

wobblebobblehat · 07/03/2015 09:04

Yes, of course they should have asked you. Were they a couple of doddery old dears?

I would just put this down to experience though.

PiperChapstick · 07/03/2015 09:09

YANBU the lady should have asked you and the "it's for charity" line doesn't trump all. Disposable behaviour from her!

PS your son sounds wonderful. Would you be interested in swapping him for a very cute and, shall we say 'spirited' loves a tantrum 21 month old?

whatnowstupid · 07/03/2015 09:11

I think this is a misunderstanding. Parents often give coins to small children to drop in a charity tin. The supermarket lady probably sees it all day long. As you were right next to him she assumed you gave him the coins to donate and was just trying to help as he couldnt reach. As she works for the supermarket she would have no sinister motive to "steal" from your child for the charity.

sosix · 07/03/2015 09:12

I'd not be best pleased either! Lesson learned? at least it was for charity

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 07/03/2015 09:18

OP, I've re-read the thread and have actually changed my mind. YANBU.

Mainly because I hate the line 'it's for charity' as if that closes the matter. I disagree with plenty of charities, I don't think organisations are automatically worth supporting because of their charitable status. I choose to support certain types of charity over others. So the woman taking the money was a smug arsehole.

That said, it is a weeny bit U to write an email. I would just chalk it up to experience.

UncommonSense · 07/03/2015 09:31

well this is a simple one:

you should NOT let him think its OK to take money from your purse to put in his.

the shop assistant should have asked you before allowing him to give to charity. but you should be aware what he's doing

you should NOT have told him he had played for the shopping. he now this you pay for shopping by putting money in a charity box. madness.

rockybalboa · 07/03/2015 10:24

YANBU. At all. The charity collector should absolutely have checked with you first. Your DS had no idea what he was doing and you were clearly (and understandably) distracted. It was obviously not 'his' money being 3 and the woman was being naive and opportunistic.

liquidstateisonthemulled · 07/03/2015 10:32

YANBU the shop assistant was out of order. Please, please do report this to the management.

Think of it as preventing it happening again to another little 3 years old.

dustarr73 · 07/03/2015 10:40

It was a very sly thing to do to a child.You were right beside them they could have asked you.A 3 year old has no concept of money.I think its terrible a shop assistant did that i would certainly email or ring in to complain.

What if you really needed that money or it was the childs own money that his granny gave him.I just think its really awful behaviour on the grown up with the charity tin.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/03/2015 10:41

YANBU!

I'd absolutely report this to the shop manager.

I pay Direct debit every month to two charities. I hate being stopped in the street with "hi there! Have you heard about xx charity" I also fucking hate someone banging on my door like the police at 8pm at night asking would I like to give them my bank details so I can dd a new charity.

AlpacaPicnic · 07/03/2015 10:42

Yanbu - adults in 'authority' should not be taking money from small children without their parents full agreement. People in shop uniforms seem like authority to toddlers!
Also - What if it was a charity that contradicted your moral stance on ?
There are some major national charities that I won't support for various moral reasons, I would be furious if I'd donated to one if those by stealth.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/03/2015 10:42

Yes to dust you should of said " hang on ! That's my bloody bus fare home, get it out!"

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/03/2015 10:47

YABU for not wanting to support your local Doll Museum. The sticky out dresses need cleaning and their little glassy eyes need a once over with a cotton bud.

YABVU.

Lily484 · 07/03/2015 10:52

To be honest I think they were taking adbantage of a little and innocent boy and an understandably temporarily distracted mum, and that her actions were frankly horrible. Id call the supermarket and complain. Collecting for charity doesn't give you the right to fleece the vulnerable.

AmysTiara · 07/03/2015 11:36

They took advantage of him really so I think yanbu. Bit sneaky behaviour.

KillmeNow · 07/03/2015 11:54

I would definitely complain. You were obviously distracted at the till and the charity lady could have waited until you were paying full attention before encouraging your DS to put some money into the collection tin.

A similar thing happened to a friends 12 yo DD who had been allowed to go to town with friends. They were in a very smelly shop buying some soap and when the DD went to pay was bullied encouraged by the assistant to give the change to charity. It was over 2 pounds so she was understandably reluctant to do so. It took a while for her to finally agree to part with her pocket money in this way and she was quite upset to have less money for her lunch than she anticipated. It took the shine of the day for her. The DDs friend was similarly chugged for her change and lost out on buying some sweets for her journey home. Not a terribly harsh loss but not one she had anticipated or really agreed to.

I really tried to get my friend to complain to the shop but she took the view that it was all part of the learning process for dealing with unexpected events . Maybe so, but those girls will never set foot into another smelly soap shop and the shop will never understand how it is not good business to make your customers feel they have been cheated.

CalicoBlue · 07/03/2015 12:13

YANBU

The sales assistant probably thought he wanted to give the money to the charity box if he was handing her coins, he thought he was paying for the shopping. She should have asked you if it was ok for him to put the money in there, esp if it was pound coins.

She only used the "its for charity" to cover herself, nothing to do with the charity. Not sure why people here are slating the charity.

Original poster

feckfeckfeck · 07/03/2015 12:49

Hi, ok had a big long think about this after reading all the comments.

I will contact the store, let them know what happened and the possible consequences of taking money from a child I.e losing bus fare, the last pennies to my name, seeming robbing a child, losing trust in customers and unethical behaviour. I'll ask them to make sure their staff know not to encourage children to hand over money and that charity is not an excuse.

For my part I'll never let DS play with anything than coppers from now on. I'll also tell him the difference between paying for shopping and charity collection. I don't want him to confuse the two again. I'll also let him put some money into collections if he asks to.

And if I see another adult shaking a collection box at a kid I think I'll give them a piece of my mind.

I'm still pissed off about it but I think I'll be "charitable" (hehe) and not assume the worst from this situation.

I'll let you know what the shop responds with.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 07/03/2015 13:01

This sounds like a good plan let us know how you get on.

Stealthpolarbear · 07/03/2015 13:13

op can you clarify was it a shop worker or a charity worker? a lot of people are blaming the charity, which I think is not right , from your op. it could be the case though.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 13:38

YANBU. I'd be furious.

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