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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a 'gay gene' is not responsible for this?!

135 replies

LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 20:42

I've namechanged as this might out me (no pun intended...)

To put this bluntly, I come from a very gay family. My grandparents have 3 lots of grandchildren - me and my siblings (3 of us), and 6 cousins between two of my aunties. So 9 of us together.

Out of 9 of us - 7 are gay. And I include myself in one of the two 'straight' ones, despite actually having had a (secret - my family dont know) relationship with a female when I was early 20s. I'm now late 20s and married to a man.

My gran insists that there must be a 'gay gene' Confused AIBU to think that this is absolute nonsense? AIBU to think that the most logical explanation - should one even be needed - is that none of us have grown up around healthy functional marriages or relationships? AIBU to think that the fact that we have all witnessed many family breakdowns and there are 2 absent fathers, is most likely the reason if there is one at all?!

I'm obviously not going to say that to my old gran, but goodness me - do 'gay genes' exist?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 20:56

YouBetterWerk why the biscuit?! It's true. I had only experienced unpleasant men and sexual abuse. Then I met my husband...who changed everything. That's not particularly unusual.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 20:58

But...I'm talking about myself - how can that be offensive?! I'm not saying it's the case for everybody. I'm talking about my own experience so I don't understand how that can offend anybody!

OP posts:
DrSeuss · 04/03/2015 20:58

I know identical female twins who are both gay. I have always assumed that a) they were born gay b) it probably is genetic. I have no issue with that, it just seems to me that identical twins are genetically identical.

Adarajames · 04/03/2015 20:59

I'm an identical twin, same identical genes and bought up the same, I'm a dike, she's straight; so we blow the whole nature / nurture thing out the water! Grin

As an aside, we're also incredibly different people-she's a capitalist, rather mercenary and status driven member of the armed forces; I'm a pagan peace-protesting hippy!

Original poster
LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 21:00

Okay, well I genuinely didn't realise it was a genetic thing...but nor did I think that anybody 'chooses' to be gay. Maybe I didn't 'think' full stop.

Sorry for any offense caused.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 04/03/2015 21:01

*dyke! Bloody predictive text!

Nake99 · 04/03/2015 21:01

OP my opinion is that you are born gay and being gay is not really 'caused' by environmental factors.

However i totally disagree with posters who are saying this is insulting to ask as I'm sure many people in our society have the same question and its quite a good discussion to have. If not to dispel the myth that certain factors cause someone to become gay.

Bilberry · 04/03/2015 21:01

something must account for being homo or heterosexual. You can't rule out both nature and nurture. However, I suspect it is quite controversial to research this and historical research would be heavily biased by social attitudes of the time.

On a note linked to your ideas though; apparently girls in families without a male presence start puberty earlier.

wfrances · 04/03/2015 21:03

i have a great aunt who was happily married to a man, until he beat so badly when she was pregnant he killed her unborn baby- she had the guts to leave him in the 1950s and swore shed never let a man touch her again.

10 years later she met a woman and fell in love and theyre still together.

she swears blind that the abuse/trauma she suffered at the hands of a man was the reason she could only love/trust another woman.

Catzeyess · 04/03/2015 21:04

So many unchagable parts of our personalities are caused by our upbringings.

I don't know why that's offensive either. Although it's probably because people think 'nurture' is somehow more changeable than genetics (which I'm sure it isn't)

Original poster
LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 21:05

Thank you for the responses which are a bit less shouty Blush I wanted to hear peoples views I genuinely do not want to upset or insult anybody.

wfrances that's absolutely dreadful, I'm glad she's happy now

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 21:06

Well that's it Catzeyess, I don't necessarily think that nurture is any 'easier' to change than nature. But that's my own experience again.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 04/03/2015 21:07

There are also lots of straight people who come from dysfunctional families. There are also lots of sets of siblings where they aren't all gay or all straight. There are people who are bisexual, not all gay or all straight.

There's a complicating factor in trying to find out if dysfunctional families are likely to turn people gay. There are deep-seated cultural and religious prejudices in our culture about gay people. They're getting better, but they're definitely still there. You'd have to figure out if the dysfunction came first and caused the gayness, or if the dysfunction came about because of the prejudice against gays. Untangling that wouldn't be easy. Yours would be a rather difficult hypothesis to test.

Catzeyess · 04/03/2015 21:14

There are probably numerous things which effect sexuality - and it would be unscientific to suggest that parental relationships have no influence (which is what I think you are getting at)

But it is too simplistic to say dysfunction = gay
Functional/happy = straight

Just as it's too simplistic to say it's just a gene.

It's probably a complex combination of a lot of things

JellyMould · 04/03/2015 21:14

Do you genuinely not see how saying that gayness is caused by dysfunctional parenting is offensive? You don't think that in any way implies that gayness is dysfunctional?

NomNomDePlum · 04/03/2015 21:16

clearly nurture has some fixed outcomes as well, or attachment disorders for example would be easy to sort out (i am not suggesting that being gay is a disorder by saying this).

QueenBean · 04/03/2015 21:18

Isn't it true that statistically, you can throw a coin 99 times and have heads every time, and on the 100th time you have exactly the same odds again for it to be heads or tails

So, if (for example, no offense intended), every 1/10 person is born gay, every single further person also has a 10% chance of being gay - so in your family it could partly just be down to statistics

I do believe however in that many things about us are made up from genetics. So "gay gene" is a clumsy way to word it but I do understand what you're trying to say.

How lovely to have such an open and accepting family too, I have a friend who is one of two - his older brother is gay which his parents were very supportive of but used to say that they were glad that they would still have a daughter-in-law and grandchildren through her etc. He felt terribly guilty about coming out to them and found that process very hard.

StinkyTinky · 04/03/2015 21:26

how are you straight if youve had a relationship with a woman? just because you are in a straight relationship doesnt make you straight youre bisexual
i grew up in a messy family and im straight.
Nobody knows what causes people to be gay but logically the born gay makes sense

Original poster
LeslieKnopeForPresident · 04/03/2015 21:27

No Jelly, I don't. Because I'm absolutely not saying that being gay is dysfunctional, I'm suggesting that perhaps 'conventional' relationships between men and women didn't seem particularly appealing - they certainly didn't to me, for a long time. Maybe this has nothing to do with my being attracted to a woman, maybe it did. All I know is that in my family being gay is a common factor, and difficult upbringings are also a common factor. Is it so weird to consider that?

OP posts:
Catsize · 04/03/2015 21:30

My partner is gay, has two siblings, one of whom is gay. My ex is gay, has two siblings, one of whom is gay. My ex ex is gay, has two siblings, one of whom is gay.
These have been my only same-sex relationships and they would blow Carol Vorderman's mind...

Catsize · 04/03/2015 21:31

My partner is gay, has two siblings, one of whom is gay. My ex is gay, has two siblings, one of whom is gay. My ex ex is gay, has two siblings, one of whom is gay.
These have been my only same-sex relationships and they would blow Carol Vorderman's mind...

Catsize · 04/03/2015 21:31

Goodness knows how that happened. Carol?... Is it you?...

fatlazymummy · 04/03/2015 21:32

No OP, people are born gay.
It used to be an old fashioned idea that men became gay because of domineering mothers ,or being dressed in pink or some such nonsense. I don't think anyone really believes that nowadays.
However ,I have heard of some bisexual people who prefer to be in same sex relationships because they find it easier, in a sense of being more on the same wave length.
I'm not gay or bi myself though, so can't speak for anyone else.

StinkyTinky · 04/03/2015 21:32

i came from the most messed up family and not one gay man in my family, 2 bisexual women and 1 lesbian thats out of like 30 of us.
My lesbian cousin was abused but so were others in my family who are straight

SurlyCue · 04/03/2015 21:38

Well if 7 out of 9 of any family were gay it's does pose the question as to why, doesn't it?

No more than if 7 out of 9 were straight surely? Confused nobody says "wow- 80% of my family are straight- we must have a straight gene" do they?