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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who talk slowly

105 replies

TiredButFine · 04/03/2015 19:31

I think IABU probably so please don't flame me...just after some opinions.
I'm very chatty, I'm busy at work and can talk at a million miles an hour.
I'm finding it hard with a new person at work who talks really slowly. I know that interrupting is the wrong thing to do, will throw them off their train of thought etc but honestly they really take ages to get to their point. And quite often near the point their talking just sort of peters out to a kind of mutter/laugh/shrug.
What's the best thing to do? Are you a slow and steady talker with any tips?
I do end up cutting in or someone interrupts us and then it's back to the beginning of the conversation....it's so painfully slow!
Also, there are no disabilities/learning difficulties etc before anyone suggests it

OP posts:
liketohelp · 04/03/2015 21:29

Is it possible that this person has a stammer?

They could be speaking slowly as a way to control it, so you may never hear the actual stammering, just the slow speech.

There is/was a technique called easy-stammering which involved speaking slowly and just allowing the stammer to happen if it did at all. I had a colleague who used this.

Your colleague would probably not count this as a disability/difficulty so would not put this on a form or whatever.

Original poster
TiredButFine · 04/03/2015 21:31

Liketohelp I never considered that

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 04/03/2015 21:36

Just because she hasn't announced any sort of speech issue, doesn't mean she doesn't have one.

BigEyedOwl - I'd seriously consider punching you in the face if you did that to me.

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/03/2015 21:40

I'd save up questions if poss so I could ask a list of them, maybe get them into a more talkative 'zone'.

Or just email her Smile

daisychain01 · 04/03/2015 21:49

Is the stuff that you come out with at 90 miles per hour of better quality than what other people say, in fewer words or at a slower pace than you?

It's about quality, not quantity.

Sometimes people need to process and formulate ideas in their head before they say things out loud, and maybe they prefer to be more thoughtful than a steamroller

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 04/03/2015 21:50

I tend to tail off a little bit if someone is talking fast and non stop and is boring me to death. I find I just can't pretend to be interested in their prattle. I would never be so rude as to interrupt or intervene or impose my own impatience on them however. Hmm

velourvoyageur · 04/03/2015 21:58

If they do that 'fade off into a mutter' thing just shout "what?" And it tends to shock them into getting back on track.

That's not normal. Very surprised you're admitting this. You don't shout at people when they haven't done anything wrong Hmm

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2015 21:58

I thought stutter or stammer too.

My niece has a stammer and after 12 years of speech therapy, she has learnt coping/breathing techniques that make it very difficult to tell.

Working with someone like BigEyedOwl would probably set her back years I imagine, although luckily her boss is very supportive and wouldn't put up with that sort of behaviour in the work place.

Original poster
TiredButFine · 04/03/2015 22:02

Just to be clear- my usual style is talking a lot, and fast, however I do try not to do that with my colleague. It's very much something I can do and try hard to do, though I'm not perfect. They are definately ahead of me in terms of who speaks for the longest time in ny converstion.

Sometimes the interruption comes from another person, the phone, so I do have to cut in to what they are saying. Actually the phone ringing or another person does not seem to interrupt or stop them, it's when I say "sorry, hold on a min please while I get that" they will stop, so maybe like controlled breathing/stammer type thing is what's behind it - slow words, trailing off at the end and not stopping when there's an obvious interruption - thanks posters.

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 04/03/2015 22:11

I would just email if your in a hurry.

And isn't it really annoying when you come on these boards and say "i am doing something wrong, please help me change" and you get abuse for the problem you came on saying you had.
Been there had that :)

BigEyedOwl · 04/03/2015 22:35

I don't scream and shout at people! I just feel that if people are starting to fall asleep with their own speech its kinder for everyone to wake them up again. Sometimes a good sharp "what!?" Is all it takes

Original poster
TiredButFine · 04/03/2015 22:37

Thanks big calculation name, I did want to try and see things from other points of view rather than just be generally a bit annoyed and frustrated with my colleague.
I might try emailing a bit more - I kind of feel that I'm nearing the point where I will avoid them if possible, but that's not right and it's not the answer.
Being chatty I talk to most of the office through the day, about work and the odd chat if it's not too busy a day so it would be quite obvious and rude if I didn't speak to someone in my own team.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredButFine · 04/03/2015 22:38

Was going to say - might email a bit more because they might like that, reply in writing in their own time.

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 04/03/2015 22:45

This happened to a friend of mine when she moved to Australia. She started talking at a snail's place, with the accent too!

I pretended that the line cut off due to long distance problems Blush

toffeeboffin · 04/03/2015 22:47

Bigeyedowl, you sound great! Grin

toffeeboffin · 04/03/2015 22:49

Bigeyedowl, you sound great! Grin

winewolfhowls · 04/03/2015 22:51

I have visions of bigeyedowl being like captain mainwaring from dads army!

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2015 02:01

I can't stand people who talk slowly with long pauses, and take ages to get to the point. If I can, I avoid them. I don't really tell them about their speech tho, as I have a mind it could make them a little paranoid..its a delicate thing, pulling someone up about the way they talk

Otoh - I can't bear people who speak fast, especially its its a little above normal sound, and also people who simply don't stop talking. I am in their presence as little as possible, to the point of appearing rude at work, probably..I can't take the constant yap. So I think Id be better off with irritating slow, rather than beyond exasperating motor-mouth..

ladymariner · 05/03/2015 02:09

I came on here to suggest that the person may be using a technique to control a stammer. My ds has a stammer but you would never know now as he uses a costal breathing technique to control it., and because he has been doing this for about five years now the breathing too is barely noticeable and he speaks "fluently", if there is such a thing.

However, when he, and the many other stammerers who use this technique start off, they speak very slowly, using a breath between one or two words. This in time develops so that they are able to speak without stammering. It takes a lot of time and effort, as you can imagine, to get to the stage my ds is at, where people actually don't believe he has a stammer (the best thing anyone could ever say to me, soooo proud of him!)

It also takes very little to knock a stammerers self esteem back down, and intolerant people are one of the main causes. (BigGobbedOwl , for example....) People take speaking for granted, you just open your mouth and out it comes, but when you can't even say "hello" the world becomes a very isolating place. Imagine a stammer like an iceberg, the bit above the water is the stammer, the bit you see.....the huge amount under the water is all the stuff the stammerer keeps hidden, the fear, the isolation, the anger, the frustration, the hurt. Perhaps, if people took the time to see beyond the voice, they may see a lot more to the person behind it.

That person who you are willing to hurry up and just spit it out, that person who you are putting your hand up in front of (seriously??? Ffs....If you had done that to my ds when he was trying his hardest to get his words out, I'd have wiped the floor with you), that person who you only speak to if you absolutely have to may be having battles you have no idea about, struggles which lesser people could never hope to overcome. Just because someone hasn't filled in a form stating so doesn't mean it isn't there.

SauvignonSash · 05/03/2015 02:24

Big eyed owl... Might be time to learn some social skills and manners. You sound very rude.

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 02:25

DS1 (7) does this.

He says "Mummy can I ask you something"
Me: Yes
Him: Sooo... umm, well.. I need to ask you about... umm
Me: Yes?
Him: I need to tell you... ummm can I please, you know...
Me: What?
Him: You know, can I please ummm...

ARGH!! He has no stammer. He has no LDs he just lacks focus and concentration.

I can't use email. I tend to shout at him if I'm in a hurry and he's dithering around - which does focus him back on point, but he's my son, not a colleague. I wouldn't do it to a colleague! Probably shouldn't do it to him either but it's very frustrating.

Australia - ha, I don't find people talk more slowly here, but they do feel the need to repeat themselves at least 3 times when they tell you something. So you hear the story once, and respond appropriately and then you get it again, and you're thinking "yes I know, you just said that" and then the 3rd time it's getting a bit strained! One friend, it's 4 times. Every Single Story - 4 times in the telling. Not at different times, OH no, all in the one sitting. In case you missed any of it the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time around. She is lovely but oh God it's frustrating!
Aussie Dh does it too - less so with me now unless he's been away on conference or something, when he reverts. I'm even, God forbid, finding that I do it myself, although I never go beyond saying it twice!

For you, OP, you need to find a way to handle your colleague better. You can't really ask them if there's anything they haven't disclosed, but perhaps passing post-it notes if you need something in a hurry, or if you have to take a phonecall would help. Prior emailing would certainly improve their thought processes, because they'd have advance notice of your intentions and be able to plan a response. They might have anxiety over making decisions, so that would help that too.
In the end, you are the only one who can control (or not) your frustration with your fellow - yes, it would frustrate me too, btw - so finding a way to manage your frustration is the only thing you can realistically do.

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 02:28

Also, you could try asking the question in such a way that a yes or no answer is the only possible option, no dithering required. :)

Mrsstarlord · 05/03/2015 06:45

BigEyedOwl - I know that this is not your AIBU but can you see that the overwhelming perception here is that your approach is not kind to anyone except you and you are, in fact, BU?!

HotSquashedBun · 05/03/2015 07:37

What an awful thread! DS1 talks really slowly and stutters, he's a child and it's gradually improving but it also takes him a while to process what he's trying to say.

I talk very quietly and quickly if I talk at all. I was taught from a young age that nobody gives a fuck about anything I say so best to remain quiet. Expressing an opinion could get a beating.
If someone behaved towards me like Owl upthread I would probably cry and be too scared to speak again.
People don't talk slowly or quietly deliberately to piss others off.

gabsdot45 · 05/03/2015 08:11

Perhaps she has a stammer and speaks slowly to control it. My ds stammers and speaking slowly can help him to speak more fluently

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