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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think STFU about people who complain about having no money but then buy stupid shit

139 replies

Hubb · 04/03/2015 15:54

It's not my business what people want to spend their money on of course, but when trying to be a good friend and offer support I just get fed up of hearing the same story over and over!

No money for essentials like food/electric some weeks but randomly take up expensive hobbies, go through phases of eating out.

Anyone else got a friend like this? Anyone like this? (ie crap at budgeting and moaning continuously to everyone, dropping hints for money etc)

Suppose it's like the friend that moans about the shit boyfriend but always forgives them, or someone who is having a hard time at work but won't do anything about it..

Do good friends just roll with it? AIBU?

OP posts:
sosix · 04/03/2015 15:59

I think you are being a little harsh.

Hands up we are crap at budgeting, I don't moan often apart from here about having no money. I do mention if it comes up which is often. I live i an affluent area so money is all around me.

Shock horror, we sometimes eat out and have takeawaysShock we are also going on holiday abroad for the first time in 3 years this year. I could go on. We have our reasons, like everyone for wanting to live a little.Hmm

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2015 16:03

I seem to know some people with strange priorities. Claiming to not have much money but going on a 3.5K holiday every single year 'because that's an essential'. Confused Then come home and moan that the kitchen needs replacing etc....

CrohnicallyInflexible · 04/03/2015 16:03

My DH is like this, but he's managed to rein it in by using cash for everything. Even so, he spends money like water for the first few days after pay day, then moans how skint he is for the rest of the month. It's his mums birthday 1 week after pay day, and he can't afford to get her a present!

expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 16:03

As long as she's not hitting you up for money, I'd roll with it.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/03/2015 16:07

I think it's hard to listen to, even if they are not wanting money from you. They still irrationally expect sympathy Grin

lessthanBeau · 04/03/2015 16:24

I'm with you on this one, its not the friends fault though, its your personality that's bugging you, you are a doer, and make decisions and plans and probably have check lists and such , I'm the same, and it bugs the hell out of me when said friends behave in a non organised manner, unfortunately we have to roll with it or we will only have check listing organised friends and how dull would that be?Wink

Moanranger · 04/03/2015 16:26

I am one of those : "a penny saved is a penny earned" & " neither a borrower nor a lender be" types, but not everyone else is. If it is a good friend who has other redeeming features, you might tactfully mention ways for her to indulge herself more economically, but otherwise, listening, saying "umhmm" & changing the subject might be best. If not a good friend but an annoying acquaintance, then avoid. I do find the self-pitying shopaholics annoying, as you do.

Original poster
Hubb · 04/03/2015 16:27

Oh yes I'm not begrudging anyone a takeaway or a holiday, but the moaning can be draining. And also when they ask or hint heavily to have or borrow money I feel even more inclined to have an opinion on how they spend their money.

Sparkling that's a great description strange priorities indeed!

OP posts:
gaggiagirl · 04/03/2015 16:33

I have a colleague like this, and he is heavily hinting for cash. Makes a massive deal about not being able to afford £1 on charity mufti days because he's so skint blah blah blah then he goes and buys whatever magazine that comes with a batman figure or whatever for a £5.
Nob.

viva100 · 04/03/2015 16:33

I knew a girl in law school who always complained about having no money and her mean parents. Her parents were very well off and were trying to teach her how to budget so sent her money on the 1st of every month (as opposed to whenever she needed it). One time she was left with no money at all half way through the month because she had spent 400 dollars on 1 dress!!!!! And she cried for days when her mother told her to return the dress because they're not giving her any more money until the 1st. Everyone around her pretended to care and nodded when she was saying how mean her parents were...I just left the room and was polite whenever I had to see her again but I really wanted to yell STFU!!!!!

MaryWestmacott · 04/03/2015 16:44

If your friend is otherwise a good friend and good company, I think you need to either keep changing the subject or say that you feel uncomfortable talking about money.

In a similar way, I have a good friend who's never been smaller than a size 16 in the 5+ years I've known her, most of the time, around 18. She wants to be more like a size 10-12 that she was before getting married, but while she'll talk about it a lot, she still wants to order cake when we go for a coffee, doesn't want to reduce her food intake, doesn't want to dump the car and walk or in other ways increase her exercise, doesn't want to change her lifestyle at all. I've had to accept that while she'll whinge about her body shape, she doesn't really mind it enough to change it, so I nod and sympathise when she complains and never offer any help, changing the subject as quickly as possible. Your friend might whinge about not having any spare cash, but she doesn't care enough to change her spending habits (assuming there's enough coming in to cover the basics, just not the treats she wants).

She's whinging about the downsides of her choices, but she doesn't want to choose differently.

turquoiseamethyst · 04/03/2015 16:47

I just think there are some subjects it's best not to talk about.

I can see myself reflected in the OP; I am terrible with money, always have been. I am not proud of it and don't talk about it in public as my understanding of finances is very limited.

Likewise, my weight yo-yos and I binge eat at times and it doesn't do any good, I know this, but ...

Anyway :)

Pagwatch · 04/03/2015 16:50

Some people cannot deal with money. It's frustrating as hell.
I sent some money to someone to sort out a financial crisis that was going to, apparently, leave her homeless.

Six weeks later I was looking at the picture of her on the holiday 'she treated' her boyfriend to.
Awesome.

She's eternally weeping, on the verge of selling jewellery to stave off disaster and then showing off new stuff for her car etc etc.
I can't understand it. She can't help herself.

turquoiseamethyst · 04/03/2015 16:55

That's awful Pag

I am not good with money but if I had ever had to borrow it from a friend returning it would absolutely 100% be my first priority.

madwomanbackintheattic · 04/03/2015 16:55

Grin I was moaning about being skint because we were moving (scraping the barrel of bank account to pay for removal company etc etc). My friend said 'like, yeah, you might even have to sell the artwork.'

Bwahahahahaha.

I am skint though. My organic veg box payment has bounced twice this month Wink

dragdownthemoon · 04/03/2015 17:04

This is why I am very careful not to moan about money or say "I can't afford it", cos DH and I are a bit pants and will often spend differently to how others might. I can't bear the thought of being one of those people who plead poverty and then buy a new telly, even though that is exactly what has happened this month, we have literally nothing in the bank til next pay day in 6 days, it's gonna be a scraping food together from random stuff in the cupboards week. But we do have a new TV... (And my mum is away and her freezer is full so we will survive)

sosix · 04/03/2015 17:06

I would never accept money off friends. pil a different matterShock

BertieBrabinger · 04/03/2015 17:12

We all know people like this, but I dunno, it strikes me that you can get so fed up with being broke or barely having enough to cover essentials and not really knowing how to improve the situation that sometimes it's a case of "fuck it, what difference does it make I'll just be even more broke."
It is frustrating if the same person keeps on doing though, I grant you. But YAB a little U, OP

TheJiminyConjecture · 04/03/2015 17:14

I think most people realise there's a huge difference between being 'skint' because you bought a new TV /booked a holiday etc and being Skint because you can not meet your basic commitments - food/rent etc.

The frustrating thing is when people imply they are in the latter and you find out its the former.

iroblonegen · 04/03/2015 17:14

My aunt phoned my dad in a panic about getting a massive council tax bill. It was for thousands. (I think she had visions of him just writing out a cheque for her.) Instead he suggested she went to the CAB and they helped her with a payment plan. And then she and her husband bought a fuck off tv with cinema sound system.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 04/03/2015 17:17

A close family member is like this.

Continually buying big ticket items - think cars, animals, boats etc, but moaning about finances in general and how they will never be able to afford to buy a house.

We get a lot of 'it's alright for you', much eye rolling about the fact that I shop at Waitrose, and the assumption (thanks to a lack of backbone on DH's part mostly) is that we will pay whenever we go out with them.

Pisses me off, a lot.

Mousefinkle · 04/03/2015 17:20

I'm like this Blush, aside from hinting at people to give me money because I really don't do that and I also don't whinge at anyone about being skint other than myself.

DH started getting paid monthly as opposed to fortnightly about ten months ago and it's certainly taking some getting used to... I also grew up with a bit of a Disney dad that threw money at me constantly or bought whatever I wanted so I wasn't taught how to budget or save. My mum always let us spend birthday and Christmas money on absolute shit as well so I just never learnt.

So I'm useless! I want to get better, I really do but atm when DH's salary goes in we I pay the bills and then splash what's left in the first week on meals out, clothes, birthdays, christmas etc and then it's all gone and we live like paupers for the last couple of weeks. Still in the fortnightly pay mindset, clearly. I'd love to be taught how to effectively budget and have tips on how to save more money too... I'm rubbish. They should teach this stuff in schools.

Pagwatch · 04/03/2015 17:20

I think it's the difference between things being really difficult but having a hope/expectation that you can change it, and it feeling as though life will always be a struggle so when you have a few quid you blow it to cheer yourself up - or just to forget the relentlessness of being poor.

I think that's why the person I know is so frustrating. She could improve things but she can't be arsed and just wants to get money anywhere she can and then moan about being broke when she has, yet again, fucked up. It's baffling.

turquoiseamethyst · 04/03/2015 17:25

yes I am a bit like that mouse; I was the second born daughter of parents who lost the first one, and they had waited a long time to have children anyway.

I was atrociously spoiled materially, although I was never, ever whiny or bratty or rude - that wouldn't have been tolerated :) but they did control everything. I didn't have pocket money as a teenager. When my mother died (I was still at school) my dad all but left home, but just gave me money so he didn't have to talk to me Hmm

Really struggling just now and it's embarrassing. Glad to see others come out of the woodwork.

AugustRose · 04/03/2015 17:46

My DSis is like this and over the years it has really annoyed me, mainly beacuse she has ended us taking money from our DM or using her for transport/childcare/meals out/trips out and then complained that DM does nothing for her and her DC Shock

She is terrible with money and will buy studpidly expensive phones/gifts/christmas presents for her kids which are then damaged within weeks.

We both had the same, pretty poor (money wise) upbringing and I think sometimes it's as if she thinks - I'm an adult, I can buy it but without looking at the consequences.

I'm not perfect by any means but I budget because I have to.