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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think STFU about people who complain about having no money but then buy stupid shit

139 replies

Hubb · 04/03/2015 15:54

It's not my business what people want to spend their money on of course, but when trying to be a good friend and offer support I just get fed up of hearing the same story over and over!

No money for essentials like food/electric some weeks but randomly take up expensive hobbies, go through phases of eating out.

Anyone else got a friend like this? Anyone like this? (ie crap at budgeting and moaning continuously to everyone, dropping hints for money etc)

Suppose it's like the friend that moans about the shit boyfriend but always forgives them, or someone who is having a hard time at work but won't do anything about it..

Do good friends just roll with it? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hubb · 04/03/2015 22:11

Must be lots of these people about, everyone is having a good rant!

Some of these examples are shocking, I'm starting to feel grateful my own situation isn't so extreme after all!

OP posts:
Caff2 · 04/03/2015 23:04

I have recently borrowed a significant sum of money from a very close friend. But I am paying it back at £50 a month by standing order. So I feel both guilty for borrowing it reading this, but also kind of OK because it is being paid back at the rate we agreed. It wasn't spent on a TV or anything though, it helped us get back on our feet after we lost my income for a while. I do feel uncomfortable about it. But also relieved that I have paid off the gas and water and electricity arrears. confused

JohnCusacksWife · 04/03/2015 23:16

I'm always slightly surprised that people seem so willing to say "I'm crap with money. I mean, it's not rocket science is it? There are loads of online resources to learn from and it's simple arithmetic isn't it? What is it that people struggle with (other than not having enough, obviously!)

wartsnall · 05/03/2015 00:27

Everyone's priorities are different and everyone has different perspectives on life as its individual choice what people spend their money on but what angers me is when people judge and comment - for example our 'thing' is travel...we love taking the kids all over, hols, trips etc yet friends who constantly eat out and/or have the most expensive cars/phones etc always have to comment on our hols - I don't comment on their choices..each to their own in my opinion!! Infuriates me Angry

Pagwatch · 05/03/2015 09:16

Caff

I don't think anyone on this thread - me included - have any issue with people borrowing money, or think badly of people who do.

The thread isn't about posters frustration at people who borrow money.
It's about their frustration at people who endlessly complain about being broke and then spend really frivolously.

That is nothing at all like your situation. Not remotely.

hackmum · 05/03/2015 09:25

I used to have a friend who would complain about not being able to lose weight, and then drink a whole bottle of wine or order a large toffee pudding. I once made the mistake of pointing this out to her, and she got really cross. I suppose nobody likes a smart alec, but it was very annoying...

Suzannewithaplan · 05/03/2015 09:55

Isn't it just down to self control, the ability to defer gratification? ?If you just nod and smile then you're humouring the person aren't you ie patronising them.

I might point them towards somewhere they could learn budgeting skills.

Original poster
Hubb · 05/03/2015 10:10

Caff

It must be hard borrowing off your friend but you are paying it back and it really was for essentials by the sounds of things so I doubt anyone is judging you for that. I'm certainly not.

People are not keen on lending money, I suspect, because it doesn't always get paid back and you see the person buying themselves treats rather than paying you back Angry

I have the flexibility that I could lend money and would be glad to help, if only I was paid back! That reminds me I owe my BIL a tenner I need to give him today Grin

OP posts:
maddening · 05/03/2015 19:27

I used to review IVA's and there were so many that had hp on £45 k cars at £5-600 per month each, some rented massive houses when they could easily have gotten cheaper, had ridiculous expenditure for people claiming that they could not pay their debts such as sky packages etc

WhenMarnieWasThere · 05/03/2015 20:36

My own experience of this was of a friend of DD's parents.

They didn't buy her any presents for her 10th birthday, or a birthday cake and put on the barest of birthday teas (think a few rounds of jam sandwiches and the cheapest asda basic crisps and jam rolls, just a few of each) and only did that because another friend openly asked if they were having a birthday tea for their daughter.

It was heart-breaking to hear the birthday girls ask plaintively "What did I get from you for my birthday?" to her parents as everyone left.

They then decided on takeaway. When the girl asked if she could have some they told her she could, if she used her birthday money to pay for it and they weren't joking.

The next day they went and bought her the cheapest pair of supermarket trainers as a gift.... and spent £50 each on work on their tattoos.

They borrow money left, right and centre and none of it seems to be spent on their DD. Just on nights out, piercings and tattoos.

Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/03/2015 20:48

JohnCusack I'm sure there are things you're shit at that other people think 'aren't rocket science'.

csivillage · 05/03/2015 20:56

I have a massive problem with people I know who complain all the time about having no money and are jealous of us doing things they can't afford to... except they smoke!! One couple I know spend over £500 a month on cigarettes, then cry (literally) because they can't spend money on taking their grandson out.

Mintyy · 05/03/2015 21:06

We have the thing where other people (dh's family) think we have massive amounts of money and they keep going on about it, because we can afford a couple of holidays a year and sometimes shop at Waitrose (mil forgets that I also sometimes shop at Lidl too). But we are micro-consumers of actual stuff. We spend money on going out, trips, theatre, movies, travel, food, celebrations, hobbies and out of school activities for the dc, wine. We don't buy much else at all.

Mintyy · 05/03/2015 21:07

Whereas mil and pil decorate their house top to bottom every couple of years, new curtains, cushions, duvet covers, kettles, toasters etc, when they feel like a change rather than when they actually wear out.

Astrid28 · 05/03/2015 21:20

I've had experience of this recently where a friend spent most of the day on the phone to me upset saying she couldn't eat or sleep because she can't pay her mortgage again. We went through all the ways she could possibly save money, and increase her income but she's done nothing.

Not made one change except put her head firmly back in the sand and book two holidays. I'm shaking my head just typing it!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 05/03/2015 21:26

Aahh, no, YANBU. We do have some friends like this. They come out with gems like "Really don't know how we're going to survive this month" - then hire a limousine to take them to the airport for a holiday in the US Confused

Other friends who borrowed a substantial sum of money from us several years ago because they'd got themselves in trouble with HMRC (and still owe us a third of that amount) regularly go on holidays abroad and buy the latest electronic gadgets (the type of gadget that we can't afford to buy) yet never mention repaying the money they still owe us.

Grrr

CaptainCunt · 05/03/2015 21:46

I have a lovely friend, always on the verge of homelessness. Gave her some money once but it went on daily taxis to and from the tube station (a ten minute walk). I don't mind as it was a gift not a loan, but she's not having any more..

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/03/2015 21:51

We have a relative who is missing a front tooth. He claims he is unable to afford to have it fixed. Yet not three months ago he upgraded his fucking huge tv to an even fucking huger 3d one (and kept the old one
so not even sold to fund it).

Yet he is still walking round with a front tooth missing. Priorities?!

turquoiseamethyst · 05/03/2015 21:53

That's up to him.

Why do you care?

Hmm
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/03/2015 21:56

Because I have to listen to him winge about the expense of dental work.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/03/2015 21:57

I said upthread that DH and I were rubbish with money, but compared to some of the examples on here we're positively virtuous Shock. We don't spend money on holidays, flash cars, limos to airports etc, our worst crime is over spending on our food budget and not saving enough for a deposit on a house!

AGnu · 05/03/2015 21:59

I have relatives who regularly say they can't afford the petrol to drive an hour to visit us yet go on multiple foreign holidays a year, buy their DC all the latest gadgets & even come to the area we live for a recreational activity without so much as considering stopping in on us for a cuppa. If they'd asked they'd have been more than welcome to stay the night & save money on a hotel but apparently they 'deserve the treat'. Hmm Yet we're whinged at when they haven't seen us for a while because we're not going to spend more on credit cards than we have in the bank soooo much better off... We're barely breaking even.

Loletta · 05/03/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

turquoiseamethyst · 05/03/2015 22:02

Honestly, seriously, WHY are you lot friends with these people?

You don't like them, their choices in life evidently anger you and they don't seem pleasant people to be around.

Dental work is expensive, by the way. I am immensely grateful for strong teeth.

What is irritating me about this thread is the holier-than-thou theme running through it, and yes, I am probably being unreasonable as I agree it is irritating when people seem unable to help themselves.

But it doesn't appear to have crossed anybody's mind that people as extreme as this have a huge, huge problem with money and spending and it's linked to self esteem.

Yes, people have a right to offload but putting it in other contexts - try it:

She starved herself until she was admitted to hospital Hmm hello; eat something

He kept cutting his arms and the doctor told him to stop but he couldn't

It's just so - judgey and prim and dour. And it's making me VERY uncomfortable and I should hide it really. I have spent money I shouldn't have to make myself feel pretty, to kid myself I am a good mum, to buy a life I wanted rather than the life I had. Every single time the driving force was unhappiness.

Now I am "lucky" as I had a high earning ex - although he used it to control me more - and I never asked for money from friends - ever - but still, just DON'T let them have money and steer the topic away, but at least TRY to understand!

Mintyy · 05/03/2015 22:06

Of course people understand that some people are rubbish at managing their money and some are hoarders or compulsive shoppers or gamblers. Of course they do.

It's the complaining about never having money, or constantly asking to borrow money that causes problems.