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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think STFU about people who complain about having no money but then buy stupid shit

139 replies

Hubb · 04/03/2015 15:54

It's not my business what people want to spend their money on of course, but when trying to be a good friend and offer support I just get fed up of hearing the same story over and over!

No money for essentials like food/electric some weeks but randomly take up expensive hobbies, go through phases of eating out.

Anyone else got a friend like this? Anyone like this? (ie crap at budgeting and moaning continuously to everyone, dropping hints for money etc)

Suppose it's like the friend that moans about the shit boyfriend but always forgives them, or someone who is having a hard time at work but won't do anything about it..

Do good friends just roll with it? AIBU?

OP posts:

PrettyFeet · 04/03/2015 17:57

I'm with you on this one.

Sister is in very poor health and may have to be medically retired. She's with a partner who pays 1/4 of bills, rent etc. in private accommodation and she's worried to death about finances. Then I hear that he has gone and bought a friggin aquarium with not only fish (of course) but live corral etc. which he keeps adding to. But he's "so" good to her blah blah blah and she can't afford jack shite. It makes my blood boil. I want to scream at her he's a cocklodger but what can you do?

I keep my mouth shut bite my tounge till it bleeds

WyldChyld · 04/03/2015 18:00

I have a friend like this. She is literally on the brink of being repossessed for non-payment of mortgage / council tax etc. I suggested to her six months ago (when it became apparent how bad the situation was) that she maybe shouldn't get a new iPhone contract and it might be time to look at cancelling the full Sky+ package with movies and all the add ons. You'd think I'd have suggested selling herself on a street corner.

Apparently, it wouldn't be fair to "deprive" her kids of these luxuries. And don't even suggest not booking the family holiday to Orlando. These are necessities.

Despite being within days of losing her home, she still maintains her kids having Sky etc are more important.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 04/03/2015 18:08

I'm shit with money. So is DH. I wouldn't say we moan about it but sometimes I imagine friends get annoyed when we're asked to do something and can't afford it, as they've probably seen us spend it on something we don't need the week before. I never ever expect a loan off friends or family though and wouldn't take it if it was offered.

Some people just are rubbish with money. By the way DH and I both work in finance

Barbarella · 04/03/2015 18:08

It's bonkers isn't it? My friend borrowed £1k from me pleading desperation and then posted pictures of meals out etc on FB. Most galling.

turquoiseamethyst · 04/03/2015 18:11

WyldChild - it's denial, from the outside that looks insane but when you're in it, you do it.

I'm broke but haven't cancelled DS's music lessons yet.

I know it's stupid.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/03/2015 18:12

I have a friend like this. Her dh gets paid they are buying new clothes, bit's for the house, going out. Then last 2 weeks of the month it's 'Oh we only have £30 for food for the 7 of us'.

Doesn't matter how many times you say why don't you budget a set amount for food each week so they have enough money for food they don't want to know. They just want to do what they want, when they want and that's the way they want to live.

nochocolateforlentteacake · 04/03/2015 18:15

You've met my sister then? "I'm really skint right now, I just don't know where the money goes. Guess what? Were off to Brazil/China/India/Mexico/Prague for 2 weeks - woohoo!". Crack me up every time...

financialwizard · 04/03/2015 18:19

Ah, I have a relative (by marriage) like this. One month she said that she could not afford the rent and tapped up her parents for the money, along with a loan repayment and then went out and bought a settee, etc. That relative also complains because we spend money sometimes on nice things but what she doesn't think about is the fact that we save every month for the nice things we buy. Frustrates me, least of all because I want to kick her in the pants and teach her to budget.

flipchart · 04/03/2015 18:22

Funny enough my friend was around last Saturday crying that she had no work coming inane what was she going to do about the rent and other bits that she owed. Yesterday she was in Manchester having Botox followed by her hair being done at Pierre Alexander. Apparently, it is important that she looks good.

feebeecat · 04/03/2015 18:25

YANBU
And I seem to know too many of these types & can't get away from them.
Worst offender at the moment is dds friends mum - constantly moaning hasn't got any money, no food in, can't afford anything and then goes out buying randomly odd things. My problem is her dd is repeating all this to mine, is borrowing dinner money & 'can't afford' to pay it back (parroting her mother). Had to have stern words about not giving her money, ever & tried to explain the difference between different/strange priorities & lying. That was a fun chat.
The knowing look on her face now when she hears the phrase 'I can't afford . . .' almost makes it worth it though

pickledparsnip · 04/03/2015 18:25

I have a relative like that. She recently had to go to the foodbank, as she said she wasn't earning enough (self employed). The next day she had had a good day at work and had made quite a bIt. So rather than put some of that money away for next week, pay bills etc, she went off into town. Came back with new boots (not needed at all), hair dye and other beauty "essentials."

WyldChyld · 04/03/2015 18:25

turquoise, I would feel sorry for her except she was recently given £5k from her parents (who took it out of their mortgage) and then spent it on the holiday to Orlando. It was supposed to be used as a gesture of goodwill to stop her being repossessed in that she was committed to paying her bills.

Her parents were devastated - they're not well off and the £5k was a big, big thing for them - and she said that they were selfish for questioning her life decisions.

Normally, gifts with strings hack me off and I would disagree with them, but I just thought she was selfish - she was crowing so much about the fact that they were going abroad.

There's a world of difference between music lessons and some of the stuff this woman spends money on - designer shoes for the toddler because "they look so cute" as opposed to paying her mortgage again...

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/03/2015 18:31

I have a friend like this. Her (interest only) mortgage payment has just bounced, yet in the past six months she has: spent three weeks in the Caribbean, been ski-ing for two weeks in Switzerland, bought a Chanel bag. This is all on the credit card; she is £5K overdrawn. Oh and she has also had various weekends away. Her DH is unemployed, and she earns about £35K. The Chanel bag alone was £3K...

turquoiseamethyst · 04/03/2015 18:32

I don't think there is that much of a world of difference - it all stems from denial.

Some of the comments on here are insufferable.

MaryWestmacott · 04/03/2015 18:33

Mouse - at the risk of being patronising, do you roughly know what your DH gets each month (as in, it's set, not variable from shifts), and roughly know what your bills are each month? then take first sum, deduct the second (perhaps get your statements up to roughly work out what the bills are), then look at what you have left, budget a set amount for food each week, take that off your left over total.

Whatever is left, devide by 5 (because some months are 5 week months). Then half again, that's what you and DH can remove from the account each week. If you want something that's more than one week's "allowance" then make yourself wait until week 2 to get it, so you've 'saved' for it. For food, once you have a budget, try to stick to only spending that much each week in the supermarket. You can each deduct only your allowance and the food shop from your account. Try to stick to it for 2 months.

Some months will only be 4 week months, but it helps to be in the 5 week mindset because that should leave to you having a bit left over at the end of the shorter months.

Stop yourself looking at the joint account and seeing that as money you can spend, just keep in your head not something like "I have £200 to spend this month" but "I have £40 a week to spent, I've taken £20 out in cash, so i've a maximum £20 more to spent until Friday."

Lariflete · 04/03/2015 18:47

I had to laugh - my BIL is terrible for this. He'd posted on FB that he was really skint, didn't know how he was going to afford the bills etc. so I got straight on the phone to him and said we could lend him a couple of hundred that he could pay us back on payday to see him through if he wanted. He said, oh I wouldn't feel right about it but thank you. I was saying, I'm really sorry, I would give you it if we could but we have no savings at the moment so we would need it back but we really don't want you to struggle etc. Turns out he was so skint because he had booked 2 festivals, bought a shedload of new clothes and a 50" tv!!!
He is comically bad with money though so it doesn't annoy me but I find it really hard to understand how anyone can live like that.

SnottyCowbag · 04/03/2015 18:50

One of DHs relatives planned a big fancy wedding and came to him days beforehand in tears asking for a loan. They never paid it back despite it clearly being a loan. They managed an extension and a holiday the following year but couldn't find any money to pay us back and they still complain how skint they are. It was a good few thousand.

Sausagerollers · 04/03/2015 19:21

One of the mums at the school continually moans about the cost of filling her car up, and her weight. Yet she drives the 1mile school run in her Range Rover-style car every day there and back, and drives her 2 kids to all their activities (which are mostly walkable, by her and them).

I have no comprehension how she cannot see that being a SAHM to children who are at school all day, living a mile from the school, wanting to lose weight and wanting to spend less on petrol gives her the time, opportunity and motive to walk to school - can anyone explain why on earth this candidate would drive???

Oh, and I did ask her and she brushed it off with with a comment about how little time she had and how she might walk when it's better weather, and it was "alright for me" (who juggles work around school hours, lives a similar distance and walks everyday) because my life was simpler.

(Can you see this annoyed me?!?)

lljkk · 04/03/2015 19:28

I have friends who are ultra-frugal & cunning with money (so far so good).
Their kids do have plenty of nice things, they're not deprived, but...

Sometimes their kids say in passing when they hear about something my kids have or do "Oh well, we don't have money to buy that."

The parents have a very expensive lifestyle hobby. I often wonder if the kids will ever stop and think "Oh wait,if Mom and Dad hadn't lived like that, then..."

quietbatperson · 04/03/2015 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintagesewingmachine · 04/03/2015 20:16

We have a family member like this. The boiler had to be replaced and they could not pay the bill but miraculously found the money for a ridiculously expensive "travel system" (think iCandy) for their pfb
Disclaimer: nothing against iCandy but not if you cannot pay your bills.

TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 04/03/2015 21:01

I have a rule. It is applied to friend and family member alike

You can either borrow my money, or have my sympathy.

My sympathy has no monetary value.

Choose wisely.

MrsMook · 04/03/2015 21:25

One of my friends is like this. Every financial decision he makes is poor. He's ended up on the verge of repossession and his car reclaimed by the finance company (which would leave him unemployable in his profession), yet will still scrape the last of his credit cards on speakers/ beer/ pool etc.

He's well paid but in a sector that's vulnerable. There's never a buffer for the lean times, it's always frittered away.

We're at the eyerolling stage. We gave up on advice many years ago.

Pagwatch · 04/03/2015 21:28

This is quite a comfort for me tbh - that the person I know is not the only one.
She is incredibly hostile and passive aggressive with anyone who doesn't give her money or treat her like a huge victim.
Even after pissing the money I have her up the wall she constantly posts on Facebook about how no one will help her and she has to be a strong woman alone.

BigRedBall · 04/03/2015 21:31

Yes I know someone who complains and cries about being "poor" and having her benefits cut, but then she's booked two holidays to Spain this year and I've seen what she feeds her children .

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