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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:

fermerswife · 04/03/2015 14:40

There is no right or wrong answer to the SAHM v working mother debate.

The one thing which does annoy me is that most of these threads/people in real assume that everyone has a choice. Just to point out that, that is not the case. I choose to work, the same way some parents choose to stay at home, unfortunately it's not always so straightforward. I count myself as very lucky that I am able to choose.

MonstrousRatbag · 04/03/2015 14:41

I don't understand why women are expected to pick a side here. It's WOHM/SAHM, not Montagues and Capulets.

I happily approve of both. In my extended family almost all variants are represented: both parents in full-time work outside the home, one of mother or father in part-time work outside the home, one of mother or father at home full-time, both parents at home in family business and juggling childcare, single father in part-time work involving long -distance travel, single mother in full-time work outside the home.

We never spend a moment debating the rights and wrongs of what people have chosen (although speaking of 'choice' is rather misleading. Few of us choose freely. Most of us play the cards we've been dealt as best we can. Plenty of the above aren't doing what they'd prefer, but have to get on with it).

Everyone is doing their best, the children thrive.

Jackiebrambles · 04/03/2015 14:43

OP if you want to be proud of what you do then be proud of it!

But don't expect others to do exactly what you do. And don't imply that your kids are better off than my kids because I work. That's not fair because what is best for one family isn't for another.

And I still do childrearing. All of us parents do that, despite working out of the home too.

Branleuse · 04/03/2015 14:43

im neither proud nor ashamed that i am a SAHM. It does happen to be the only way I can make our family work at the moment though. Im sure it wont be forever.
Im not trying to set an example to them. Im just trying to get through the days

Original poster

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:45

Monstrous. I agree. I approve of both. But according to others on this thread I'm not setting a good example to my DC because my aspirations don't extend higher than "pairing my husbands socks". And according to others, just for being proud of myself, I'm inherently criticising others' choices.

I can't imagine the responses would have been on the same lines (except perhaps the "who cares" "not interested") responses if I had said I was proud of my career.

OP posts:

flimmyflam · 04/03/2015 14:46

Also given that presumably a high proportion of people posting here during the daytime on a weekday are people who stay at home or work at home (or, in my case, don't manage to get any flipping work done at home), you're rather preaching to the choir here OP.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:46

I find it difficult to hear mothers say (as read in this thread) they would rather get out of the house than listen to crying 8 hours a day or that their kids are bored at home, I think they must be getting this parenting business very wrong!

Not all women/mothers are talented at the parenting business, as not all men/fathers are.

Context is all. Maybe I should have put parenting business in parentheses.

QTPie · 04/03/2015 14:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:47

OP, you came here proclaiming that your choice was the right one.
You will end up getting some criticism from people who feel you have attacked their choice to work.

But you got what you wanted.

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 14:48

You keep talking about wanting to be able to express your pride. What do you mean by that? who do you want to talk about your pride to? What do you want to say-exactly. What words do you want to use? What happens if you say it?

Original poster

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:49

Did I though Lweji?

OP posts:

IrianofWay · 04/03/2015 14:51

Agree with you fermerswife - for many it isn't a choice.

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 14:51

"I can't imagine the responses would have been on the same lines (except perhaps the "who cares" "not interested") responses if I had said I was proud of my career."

oh, ha, oh I disagree there If you'd said you're proud of your career you'd have had a load of well not everybody has the luxury of... and if you'd mentioned your children and how proud you were of your career, well, the astronauts on the international space station would have been having buns for tea.

Just live your life the way that suits you all in your family and don't give a moment's thought to what other people think, feel or do. Because it doesn't matter.

BohemianRaptor · 04/03/2015 14:52

Oh come on OP, you start a WOHM v SAHM thread on AIBU then pick out a handful of defensive posts from 8 pages to prove your point. You know as well as I do that those posts are exactly what you were hoping for.

Original poster

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:53

Fenella - I really don't want to answer that question because if I start talking about the things I love about being a SAHM it will be perceived that I think I'm better than others.

I'm still in the trap where I don't feel I can speak up about the benefits of what I do, because others aren't fortunate enough to have the choice, or have exercised different choices.

I suppose if I were to reframe my OP, I'd say that I'd like to be able to talk about why my choice is valid. I'd like to stop hearing other women refer to SAHM as "little women" and for them to respect everyone, whatever their circumstances.

OP posts:

ispyfispi · 04/03/2015 14:54

Lweji that's kind of my point. Some people are cut out for looking after their own children, others aren't. It's great that the 'others' have jobs they love and childcare. It's not so great for their kids. A mum in my PN group doesn't see her baby (awake) from Monday to Thursday due to work. The baby is fine but I do find it sad and feel that nursery is not a sufficient replacement for her mummy!

Original poster

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:54

Bohemian - I'm not sure how you think you know what I'm hoping for?

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 04/03/2015 14:57

it is better for my family that I stay at home...

this does not mean that it is better for every family to have one parent at home. that will be down to individual circumstances and personalities.

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 14:57

well, ok, fair enough if you don't want to say what you want to say. erm. iyswim.

But you could tell me who it is you want to say it to and under what circumstances.

It's just that I'm trying to think of any area in my life that I am proud of and although there are loads, I'm sort of quietly proud. I can't think of any that I actually get into conversation with others about where we talk about how proud we are of our achievements/our lives/our choices.

toomuchtooold · 04/03/2015 14:58

I think it depends as ever on your circumstances. My toddler twins were perfectly happy with the situation of being in nursery 3 days a week when I went back to my old job but the commute was short and so were the nursery hours so I saw them every morning/evening and it was only 3 days. We've now moved and I'm in a full time job with a long commute and it's rubbish and the strain is telling on them. I'd love to be able to come on Mumsnet and get some advice and persepctives from other people who've been in the same situation but everyone (on these threads anyway) seems totally dug in to their own way of thinking.

toomuchtooold · 04/03/2015 15:02

Actually having RTFT there is more light and shade than I expected. 1-0 to Mumsnet.

BohemianRaptor · 04/03/2015 15:02

Because you chose to focus on the few defensive posts rather than the majority which have stated that your choices are just that, your choices, they have no bearing on anyone else's lives. And because I've seen this exact thread a billion times.

jellybeans · 04/03/2015 15:02

YANBU

I have been a SAHM for 16 years, loved every minute.Think it was defintely better for DC to have me at home. BUT I don't think every family are the same,some DC would be better with parents working.

DuelingFanjo · 04/03/2015 15:04

"What have I said that makes you think that I"m trying to make other women feel bad?"

you said
"It think the need to say it loud and proud (and to start another thread) comes from the fact that, as Wheresmy says, "it's fair game to put down SAH on here but not the other way round"

clearly you think it is unfair that you are not 'allowed' to put down working mothers (NB - Not fathers?) or you wouldn't have said this.

DuelingFanjo · 04/03/2015 15:05

"I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work"

So are you saying 'it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work' ? Rather than 'some kids'?

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