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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:20

I find it difficult to hear mothers say (as read in this thread) they would rather get out of the house than listen to crying 8 hours a day or that their kids are bored at home, I think they must be getting this parenting business very wrong!

Not all women/mothers are talented at the parenting business, as not all men/fathers are.
In the same way that not everyone is talented at what I do.

Each to their own.
Neither choices should be criticised by anyone.

leedy · 04/03/2015 14:21

I am still breastfeeding toddler DS and have gone back to work. Magical, eh?

Nolim · 04/03/2015 14:21

Well said janine.

HamishBamish · 04/03/2015 14:22

Dear God, the claws are well and truly out aren't they!

Do people really care so much about how other people raise their children? Quite honestly I couldn't care less. If I'm not happy with how things are for my DC, I work to change that. It's my responsibility. Only I know what's best for my children.

Groovee · 04/03/2015 14:22

I've done both. Both were right for us a family at the time. I work but usually home for the children coming in from school.

HamishBamish · 04/03/2015 14:24

I am still breastfeeding toddler DS and have gone back to work. Magical, eh?

Me too, leedy. 2 children until they were both over 3. Who'd have thought it!

Jewels234 · 04/03/2015 14:24

My mum was a SAHM (by choice, not necessity), and has made it clear it her martyr attitude that she resented it. I wish I had a mum who didn't just give her life to her children.

MannUp · 04/03/2015 14:25

My husband manages to be a SAHD without denigrating other men's choices. Why are you trying to make other women feel bad?

calmexterior · 04/03/2015 14:26

Yeah I work, out of choice, part time.

You're a better mum than me OP.

Feel better? Hmm

polyhymnia · 04/03/2015 14:26

Great for you that you are so satisfied with your own choice, OP.
But YABU if you've cone on here just to expect us all to validate it.

I'm firmly of the view that mothers who work instead of being financially dependent on a man set a good example to their children.

I also find it very hard to understand how SAHMs whose DCs are all at school - often secondary school at that - can claim to have a full-time job.

Also don't agree that 10 month olds and above are, as one PP claimed, better off spending every single day just with their DM, without the stimulation of other children and environments.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 14:28

YANBU. But others aren't being unreasonable, either, to say they just don't give a fuck.

SukieTuesday · 04/03/2015 14:28

Some women actively want to be at home with their DC. Others actively don't. I have deep sympathy for those who want option one but are pushed into option two and vice versa. Apart from that, who cares?

pbwer · 04/03/2015 14:30

There's little point once your kid is in full time education but I'd much rather there be a SAHP for the early years purely to the point of not missing out on your child growing up as they change so quickly

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:31

What have I said that makes you think that I"m trying to make other women feel bad? I've said that me in a SAHM is a better choice for MY kids, and that I want to be able to say that being a SAHM can a good (not better) thing without feeling like I have to apologise to any WOHM who infers a criticism.

I'm intensely proud of my friend who works incredibly hard as a single mother with no support from her exP. I'm totally proud of my friend who has gone interstellar in her career while her DH takes on the SAHP role. I'm in awe of my ex-colleague who raises two preschooler whilst forging a glittering career in the media (and whose partner freelances around her hours to support the children). All these options are great and praiseworthy and these women are quite rightly proud of themselves. I just don't see why I can't be openly proud too about my choices.

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 04/03/2015 14:31

I've done both too.

Being a WOHM in the job I was doing at the time was hugely challenging for me (the classic trying to do full time job in part time hours) and I couldn't cope. I was stressed and miserable and constantly ill.

As a SAHM, I am not stressed and miserable and constantly ill.

So on that basis alone it is, for us, at the moment, in our situation, better for me and my family that I do not work outside the home. We are also very lucky that we can afford for be to SAH.

But that is not remotely to imply that what's best for us should automatically be best for anyone else. Or that we are in any way superior (if anything I generally feel inferior to most WOHM). And I know so many happy, vibrant families with happy, confident children whose parents both WOH. Let's face it, as long as you get your childcare right, your children will thrive.

Capricorn76 · 04/03/2015 14:31

Why does the OP think anyone cares about what her family choose to do? Work/stay at home, nobody is interested!

I'm 100% secure in my family set up which is why I don't need validation from strangers on the net or try to make others feel insecure.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:32

BTW it's not about validation. It's about having a voice.

OP posts:
flimmyflam · 04/03/2015 14:33

"I just don't see why I can't be openly proud too about my choices." Err the vast majority of these comments support your doing just that and many of them are from women who've done the same. There's no conspiracy!

chrome100 · 04/03/2015 14:33

My mum worked throughout my childhood and during primary school we were collected by a student and cared for until my mum got home from work.

Do you know what? I can barely remember what this student looked like, nor can I remember what we did after school. But I do remember lots of happy times with my mum because obviously we saw more of her. My point is, children won't remember what goes on in their young lives so I hardly think you can claim it's "better for them". It might be better for you, but that's different.

squoosh · 04/03/2015 14:35

'Why does the OP think anyone cares about what her family choose to do? Work/stay at home, nobody is interested!'

Hear hear.

DarlingDaffodil · 04/03/2015 14:35

Cannot be arsed to read whole thread- apologies in advance...
I am an older Mum who worked for over well 20 years before having children.
My choice is for us to tighten our belts [not always comfortable] and not work while my children are young/ end of KS1.
I do other things too [unpaid] as my preference.
I have had patronising remarks from working mothers at the school gate; strangely only from the young ones. Though saying that they are all younger than me it seems!!
I tend to try and let it wash over me...

Annietheacrobat · 04/03/2015 14:36

I personally think it is preferable for children to have a SAHP. No long days in childcare, more parental involvement with school etc My mother was a SAHM until I went to senior school and I loved coming home to her in the afternoon.

I say this as a WOHM (4 days at present). My reasons for continuing are 1. I enjoy my job and am doing something I have been training for for nearly 20 years 2. Financial security. Ideally I would drop back down to three days.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 14:37

Wow, there are some scary people here.

can I just ask please
"not all women are talented in this parenting business, surely infers they send dc to childcare because they can't parent, and are inadequate, "untalented".
This also infers that other people are parenting their children because they aren't.

flimmyflam · 04/03/2015 14:38

@chrome100 - yes, I also remember quite little of the childminder who cared for me from school til 6/7 pm when I was under ten. But I was and am extremely close to my parents and have happy childhood memories. I honestly can't think of any time in my life when I've regretted that my mother worked, and certainly don't remember feeling that I didn't see enough of her. I've got a wonderful job and home life so I don't think I've been emotionally stifled. Having parents that work is definitely not a recipe for scarring kids for life.

BohemianRaptor · 04/03/2015 14:39

Oh it's about 'having a voice' Hmm Seems more like it's about having an audience. No-one has said YABU, just that they're not interested. Go and tell your friends how proud you are of them/yourself/whatever.