To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

[yetanotherchangename]

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

Where's Jilly/Xenia when you need her?? ;)

I'm not sure it was so different. We could not have managed on my OHs salary alone. Which is why I started earning money when my youngest was a baby.

oh we're all just doing the best we can malarkey for risk of giving offense is a bit wearing.

But the truth is that you only need to be good enough everything else is just the icing on the cake.

And for most women this argument is academic. There is no choice. I left my two year old screaming and shitting herself with fear in nursery. She settled after six months. I had to do it, I didn't have a choice.

In 2001 the average price of a home in England was £121,769, and the average salary was £16,557. In 2011 the price of the average home was £236,518 – an increase of 94% – while wages had risen by just 29%

I am not sure what point you are making.
I already told you we could not manage on one salary when my kids were babies.

As someone who has recently returned to work after a year’s maternity leave with my PFB, I follow threads like this with interest. I don’t feel it’s a subject that gets discussed in RL as people are very wary of coming across as judgemental of other’s choices (people are nice really!).
DH and I both work 4 days a week and DS goes to a lovely nursery 3 days where he is thriving. We need two salaries to pay the mortgage and bills. Actually, we could probably survive on my salary (I am the higher earner) but DH does not want to be a full-time SAHP. Funnily enough, no-one expects him to.
I find the insinuations that I work because I am adverse to spending time with my child or that someone else is bringing him up because he goes to nursery 3 days a week bizarre and pretty insulting.
I work for a variety of reasons, many which PP have mentioned, but one POV which I think has been missing from this ‘debate’ is that I work because I feel that my work is contributing something to society, not just in the job that I do (not saving lives, but working for a cultural institution that I believe to be important), but in the fact that I am a woman in the workforce, with the potential to influence and shape the society we all live in (sorry, know that sounds wanky!). Do we really want to go back to a time when all doctors and lawyers were men? All public figures with influence and power? All bosses?
Women in the workforce with the power to make decisions that affect other women are really important. As PP have said, the solution lies in flexible and supportive employers for parents of both genders during the early child-rearing years.
climbs down off soapbox

I'm confused to be honest bigblue.

All of your other posts read that you stayed at home with your children.

You seem very negative about nurseries etc, so what childcare did you use?

BRILLIANT mine
I WOH ,iI m a mother and I save lives !
Totally agree that its about both parents - the sooner its about parentsand not just mothers, the better .

Well said MinesNotaHighHorse.
Plenty of men nowadays want to be more hands on as dads than their own fathers were. And plenty of women want a balance in their lives too.
I'm glad times have moved on and we now recognise that many couples are equally capable of the earning and caring aspects of running a family
My feeling has always been that having a career and earning is rewarding; looking after children is also rewarding- why not share the fun around and both partners get a healthy balance?

(Disclaimer- nothing wrong for couples who want a sole earner and a SAHP either if that's what suits them. I just don't think it should be such a surprise in the 21st century that many of us want some of each)

I did stay at home with my kids. I earned money from home and I still do, my hours are totally flexible. I didn't use childcare, I worked when my children were asleep, breastfeeding, or out with their father for a few hours at the weekend.

Then you were very fortunate.

O yes the jilly that told me on another thread that she didn't think children of 2 professionals would have anxiety problems when I mentioned my ds2 was having issues.

Horses for courses.

I have been both a SAHM and WOHM and think we spend far too much time analysing it. The secret is to be happy with your choice and be happy for others when they make different choices. There isn't really much more to say as every family is different.

Fortunate in that that's what bigbluestars wanted to do.
Many people wouldn't enjoy working at home, or wouldn't want the type of work you can do while breastfeeding. And many of us found that the childcare we used for our children added another dimension to their life which they wouldn't have otherwise had.
It's horses for courses isn't it?
I do agree with the others though, that it seems odd that someone clearly so happy with their own set up seems to find it so damn difficult to accept that other people have different set ups

So did I bigblue but I realise that others have different lives, needs,
ideas, parenting ideals etc to me.
I don't claim to be the worlds best parent- I like many others just did my best with what I had.
I really don't think that those who claim to be the absolute best parents in the world actually are.

Fortunate in that she wanted to stay at home, needed 2 incomes and one of those could be achieved with one parent staying at home and without paying childcare.

I am not sure it was fortunate. Creative perhaps, but it didn't land on my lap.

As fortunate as those who want to work full time and have a job perhaps.

"Dh does not want to be a full time sahp and funnily enough no one expects him to"

THIS

Lol I thought foo was a thing I was hitherto unaware of like Food & Organic Orgasms or something !!

(I do know who the foo fighters are thank you )

Is Xenia still around ? Haven't seen her for ages
Ps. Saving up for my island

There was something in the news the other day that said only 10% of mums were SAHM

No idea if that's true (as 99% of statistics are made up while mumsnetting) but that's not a lot.

The situation was that you were at home with your children when you wanted to be. You children got the childcare you wanted. You. That is fortunate however you want to look at it.

Lots of us don't get "what we want" in this respect, no matter how hard we try or how many balls we try to juggle.

A lot of what you have said on this thread has been frankly quite insensitive regarding WOHP and I am reacting to this perhaps s little irrationally.

The bottom line is you were happy with what you 'achieved'.

So why do you need to give an opinion on a childcare situation that you didn't have to experience?
Some of your opinions on this thread have made me as a non.choice working mother feel worse than I already do.

Yes it is my problem I suppose if I choose to take these opinions on board or even read them full stop.

I just think it is particularly insensitive to those of us who have no choice.

I don't think that Xenia can be around - she'd've ripped the stuffing out of this poor fred

She's still treading the boards....minus her island.

Seriously, is this still going ??

Why the need to trash these type of choices? For many people, it's not even a "choice" so the word really is used loosely.

When I worked FT (at one point one FT and 2 PT jobs) as a single mother, raising my dd years ago, I didn't have a choice. It was work or have no money to pay bills and have housing and food and such. (living in the states, benefit situation is very very different there)

Now years later as a single mother again (not, I might add, by choice, but by virtue of my ex turning out to be abusive to both me and my dcs), I am in the frustrating position of SAHM on benefits, as I have one child that is disabled and one with SNs and I am carer to both.

Both very different situations, but in both cases, so many choices are simply not available to me. I am not apologising for the situation I am in, nor am I apologising for being on benefits. I am doing the best I can with the situation I am in, and doing what is needed to make sure my dcs are supported and okay.

Everyone's situation is always just a little bit different.. there are so many variables. There is no "one size fits all" in this.

Is it really that hard to respect that other people are simply doing what is right for them and their families, even if it is different from what you are doing??