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Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 06/03/2015 12:41

Kerala1 "Also the whole step out of the work force for a few years and you are doomed rhetoric doesn't hold true round here. Myself and other sahms for 8 ish years have all now got interesting jobs that fit round school hours. Network network network!"

I so agree with this. Women are creative and resourceful creatures- motherhood can transform us, I know many women who have had a few years being a SAHM then take a huge sideways leap, using the new skills and outlook that they have learned.

Rather than take the safe path and continuing in the same career path before and after kids- it may work out better than before.

I so agree about networking.

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 12:42

To be clear: it's not spending time with my own child that would make me miserable Hmm

bigbluestars · 06/03/2015 12:43

I'm not suggesting that -but you paint a bleak picture of a SAHM.

Fanfeckintastic · 06/03/2015 12:43

I asked your children's ages not yours.

Fanfeckintastic · 06/03/2015 12:53

I only ask because you seem so angry and bitter when these topics come up, as a previous poster said, I recall you berating a poster before because she didn't have the same opinions as you. I rarely see this level of bitterness in someone with young children, and if your children are in fact older now, then what is it about this subject that still sets you off?

Did you find it difficult to get back to work or do you feel conscious/sensitive about something?

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 12:53

Being a sahm would be bleak for me because of my personality and the huge sacrifices I would be making. I'm sure lots of dads would also love to spend more time with their kids but stop short of ruining their career in order to do so.

I also think that if you do a minimum or medium wage job and could replace that income with a home business or part time / freelance work then the changing career thing is probably an option.

Not if you bring in the majority of the household income in a highly specialised role which is not transferable in the sense that it cannot be done from home or as a self employed individual. Id have to throw away all my progress and skills so far and completely change what I do and be prepared to earn maybe 1/6 of what I do now. We could survive on dp income alone but then probably would have to move out of London and never go on holiday so I'd be stuck at home alone trying to run a start up ? That situation would make me thoroughly miserable and those are sacrifices I'm not prepared to make - & I also don't think making them would actually create a NET better situation for my dc.

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 12:56

To be clear I'm not denigrating anyone who has made those choices it's just I know I personally would not be happy or fulfilled in that situation.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 06/03/2015 12:59

Speaking from an adult perspective, I'm another one who feels my mother would have benefited from working. She was a SAHM until my siblings and I were in secondary school, and even then she went for a fairly menial job to fit school hours despite being a graduate. I suspect it may have given her more self confidence if she'd had a career. I think she quite liked being at home, so we're not talking about mental health issues or deep frustration here, but I do think it would have given her a boost to have more outside the home.
BUT I'm very aware that she was living through a generation where there were far fewer opportunities available to women, particularly mothers, no regulated childcare, and a societal expectation that mothers would give up work or at the very most do a small amount of part time work. So to be honest it would have been difficult for her to go against the grain.
It makes me glad I live in times where women and men aren't pigeonholed nearly as much.

leedy · 06/03/2015 13:06

"I personally would not be happy or fulfilled in that situation"

Nope, me neither. I have a very specialized job that I love and am really good at, working in probably one of the best places possible to do what I do.

JassyRadlett · 06/03/2015 13:44

That's the thing, isn't it? People say 'move somewhere cheap and you can live on one wage'.

Except the job I'm amazing at and that pays me very well is specialised and only exists at this level in a couple of places. DH's is similar.

Except that all my support structures are where I live. My parents live on the other side of the world, DH's are no support. I've built strong support networks where I live.

So even if I wanted to (which I dont at this point in time, though I did hanker after being a SAHM in the past), moving so I could give up work would leave us somewhere with no support. For what? So I can waste the skills I've honed in the hopes that in time I'll come up with something else I find equally interesting?

We could get by where we live on my salary. But DH doesn't want to give up a job he loves, and why should he where we can see no net benefit to our child? So we both work a compressed week, work bloody hard while we're working, our time with DS is brilliant, and live somewhere we love, doing jobs that are fulfilling, with good friends around us who help us as we help them.

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 13:53

Well said Jassy

Onecurrantbun · 06/03/2015 14:02

I fell pregnant just as I was about to graduate (although it was a much wanted baby and we'd been married for a few years) so didn't have a career to speak of - although the professional qualification I gained has now lapsed due to time off - however being a SAHM has been absolutely the right choice for me. I'm happier, healthier and all our lives are enriched by my role. We have two girls aged 3 and 1 and I do plan to return to some form of work, whether paid or voluntary, when they're older. I'm bloody good at being a SAHM and love taking my girls out for walks, to groups and classes, baking etc. I know that WOHM do that too, but the bottom line is they can't do it as often, or be as child-led (for example, if it's a sunny day and the kids have energy to burn, we head to the park - if they don't fancy it we go later in the week - we don't have to squeeze trips into a couple of days) That's not to say we don't have days where a Tangled-Frozen-Finding Nemo marathon -and a couple of Freddos- is more the order of the day!

My DH had a SAHD and I had a SAHM and we both feel it was absolutely a good thing. In some ways I needed mum there more when I was at secondary school, as I had a period of bullying and it was so nice that she was at home with a cuppa and a hug when I got in. DH lost both parents young but my mum is still a SAHM (I guess 'housewife', now we've all left) and does voluntary work, travels with dad on business and as I type she is preparing a complex, 3 course meal for their friends this evening. Admittedly I am much less interesting dinner party company than someone with stories to tell of a business trip or funny incident at work, therefore I try to be as widely read as possible and maintain my own interests.

Whatever works for the mum and child at that time is the best situation - for me, I'd rather have holidays in Norfolk and a single, decade-old car than work... For now!

Lweji · 06/03/2015 14:08

I'm bloody good at being a SAHM and love taking my girls out for walks, to groups and classes, baking etc. I know that WOHM do that too, but the bottom line is they can't do it as often

But they do it with the child minder's or nursery. Just not with the parent.
And it's only one parent. The working parent still can't do it as often, and has to cram interaction during the weekends.

Onecurrantbun · 06/03/2015 14:17

True. I enjoy it and they enjoy it, but they'd probably enjoy it as much with a childminder or grandma. I'd just miss out!

I wouldn't say I'm "loud and proud" about being a SAHM: I tend to just get on with it. Nor do I understand the people who are martyrs about it. I've never had to "defend" my choice as tbh I think no one in real-life gives a shit monkeys. We're all just mums at the end of the day. For now I will say I like it, the kids seem to like it, and I would sacrifice an awful lot of things / money to be able to spend the early years at home.

Lweji · 06/03/2015 14:28

I think that's exactly the right perspective on it. :)

RufusTheReindeer · 06/03/2015 14:47

Yep, agree with -one Grin

tiggyhop · 06/03/2015 15:06

Life is all about muddling along. There's no "getting it right" it's just a question of trying to avoid getting it too wrong.

Going back to the OP - should you say "loud and proud" that it's better for your kids that you don't work? No. Because unless you have some kind of control group of a second set of your kids with a clone of you who does work and some way of assessing what "better" means - you have absolutely no idea whatsoever whether it is "better" for your kids that you don't work. So no. Don't be "loud and proud" about something you have no idea about.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/03/2015 15:24

I think you can make an educated guess though about what will be best for you and your family out of available options tiggy
But that's all.
And that's if you're lucky enough to have options.
Many people in a variety of circumstances have limited options, or to put it another way one way seems to offer so much more than the others that it's a no-brainer

cosmicglittergirl · 06/03/2015 16:19

Does anyone have to be 'loud and proud' about anything? Be reflective and grateful you are happy.

Only1scoop · 06/03/2015 16:30

I must admit the 'loud and proud' bit that Op uses a couple of times did make me chuckle....

You get a vision of said Sahm with a megaphone giving it max ....

Nolim · 06/03/2015 16:38

Oh scoop you made me giggle

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 06/03/2015 16:41

I'm actually dancing with my glittery pom poms, but imagine me with a megaphone if you like.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/03/2015 16:48

Go for it Op

Pop a couple of Flick flacks in there and you'll be grand.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 06/03/2015 16:51

Oh yeah - I'm practising them now as we speak (whilst interacting positively with my DC obviously).

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 06/03/2015 16:55

Ah yetanother you are very funny. I for one got your op and did not find it offensive. I think you are right to be proud of what you have achieved. I certainly am not as a WoHM because to me that is just a MN thing, I literally never even heard of one until I read it on MN, but as a mother.

It was the posts that followed with some fairly dodgy assertions on both side that were Hmm.