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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:

ourglass · 06/03/2015 08:22

And are twats

csivillage · 06/03/2015 08:28

I worked full time when I had 1 child, dropped my hours to 3 days a week when I had 2 children and gave up altogether when I had 3 children. Personally, I was happier working part time, it was a good balance for me and I reckoned that my children were at home 4 days and in care 3 days so they were with me more.

However, I believe the quality of care is far worse for school aged children than before school. Additionally, it is harder to manage. Most people I know have to use various types of childcare.

Additionally, as children get older their needs are more complicated. They have more dates after school, things going on in school, generally have more of an opinion on what they want. One friend's children call the after school club "the orphanage".

In a way I think it is harder to work once your child starts school!

The people I know who are happier are those who have jobs that are school hours only - even school hours that are term time. But they are as rare as hens teeth.

bigbluestars · 06/03/2015 08:32

andywarhole- you have resorted to trawling through members old posts now.

RufusTheReindeer · 06/03/2015 08:35

Thank you word and our

I will try and use your philosophy

AndyWarholsOrange · 06/03/2015 08:38

bigbluestars I haven't actually, I don't even know how to do it. I just remember that thread. Your posts stand out because you're constantly trying to make women who don't want to be with their DCs 24/7 until they're old enough to vote feel bad. I think you protest too much.

Flissity83 · 06/03/2015 08:55

After divorcing my mother my father became the main parent and a stay at home parent. He promptly became bored, and felt like he had no purpose other than us and became an alcoholic. Being SAHP wasn't for him and I feel guilty for causing that to happen.

I have to work because we couldn't afford to feed and clothe my kids if I didn't. And before anyone says we shouldn't of had kids if we couldn't afford them, our financial situation was very different when we started our family.

TheWordFactory · 06/03/2015 08:58

Some people are have intelligence, wide experience, imagination and a great memory.

KERALA1 · 06/03/2015 09:15

Also the whole step out of the work force for a few years and you are doomed rhetoric doesn't hold true round here. Myself and other sahms for 8 ish years have all now got interesting jobs that fit round school hours. Network network network!

Fanfeckintastic · 06/03/2015 09:21

I like irony bigblue, but I wasn't criticizing the other mother at all in fact I really like her but how she puts herself and her parenting values across online is actually a far cry from reality.

Are your children still young? You always pop up quite venomously when these issues come up but I honestly do think your brutal criticism of women who parent differently to you says a lot about how you feel about your own choices.

Fatlapdancer · 06/03/2015 09:25

I have just had to give up my job because it's costing me more in childcare than I'm earning. DD Is 19 months so hopefully when she starts school I can get back into it. Being at home all day everyday is driving me insane. It's soul destroying! My mum was a SAHM and I can't say that we benefitted greatly

Mmmicecream · 06/03/2015 09:31

I've recently gone from being a SAHM to working full time. Honestly, I can't emphasise enough that:

Both options had parts that were good for my kids
Both options had parts that were bad for my kids
Both are hard in different ways
Both bring different rewards

And ...

In both cases my kids are fine.

Fanfeckintastic · 06/03/2015 09:35

I had to take voluntary redundancy when DD was 2 for the same reasons fatlap so I just reminded myself it's probably the last time I would ever get at home with her. So I made a huge effort to get out and enjoy our time together, did everything free in our area, met so many other parents, music classes, swimming, what ever was going cheap that got us out of the house. We both really enjoyed it and she started pre school in September and within ten days I had a job which I'm so happy in, more so than my last job because I always felt I was missing out on time with DD whereas now I know I need to work but use my time with her a lot more wisely and enjoy her a lot more.

See it as a little time out that you won't get back and enjoy it, before you know it you'll be working again!

Hedgesinthewind · 06/03/2015 09:36

Interestingthread.

Here's the perspective from an (adult) child of a SAHM, never-working mother.

I'm one of a large famly (2 bros & 2 sisters) with SAHM.I wish my mother had worked: my parents miht still be married. I lived 18 years with a frustrated, sometimes angry, nervous and martyred parent. She is still difficult & my father is still sexist & selfish.

that culd have been because of my parents' personalities, but I saw this in a lot of my friends families too - SAHM who were left, divorced & bitter.

Speaking as a child of a mother who didn't work, I really wish she had. And although i wuld never be without my bros& sises, if my parents had only 2 kids and both worked I would really have seen ore of both of then. I have no memories of all the yummy mummy parenting some of you are tsalking about. There were too mny of us & my mother was exhausted all the time. There was always another baby. Or housework. or cooking.

Just another perspective: I was brought up in a mostly happy home(until my parents started to drfit apart when I was 14 or so) but trhat was not because my mother was SAHM

jellybeans · 06/03/2015 09:52

hedges do you work?

Your mother could have been like that even if she worked and also 50% of marriages end in divorce then of course there would be lots of SAHMs among them.

My mother SAH until the youngest was 8, then she did school hours work and eventually full time when we were at high school. I really appreciated my mum being there when we were little and had lots of memories of time with them. Am really close to her now.

I SAH for 16 years with my 5 (f/t WOHM for 2 years before that). Loved every minute but have always done 'other stuff' such as volunteer and do an OU degree and evening courses. Yes it did make DH's career easier and he had to work away etc. BUT it has also enabled mine as I have many more qualifications now (and start new post soon p/t) so it isn't the end of the career of the SAHM.

ConfuddledPickle · 06/03/2015 09:56

There are many instances where having a happy mother does not lead to a happy baby

Have to agree with this. I hate the 'happy mummy = happy baby' bs because it's not always the case.

Just because you're a parent, it doesn't mean you have to lose all sense of self or spend 100% of time with your dc. But IMO there is a responsibility to put dc first.

Kaekae · 06/03/2015 10:02

I feel really fortunate to have been able to stay at home with my children. My husband earns enough money so therefore, I wanted to be at home with my children. I love it! My friends who had to go back to work look stressed, they are always juggling childcare and no one seems really happy I know most of them would give up work if the option was there. I won't be at home forever though as I do think it is important for me to pick up my career again when the children are a bit older.

Penguinsaresmall · 06/03/2015 10:29

I feel really fortunate to have been able to find a job I love which pays well and fits around school hours, so I don't have to stay at home or rely on others for child care. My husband earns plenty, but I don't see why that is relevant to my working or not working .

IrianofWay · 06/03/2015 11:40

"I wish my mother had worked: my parents miht still be married. I lived 18 years with a frustrated, sometimes angry, nervous and martyred parent. "

I could have written that. She was always a little insecure socially, being isolated in a house in the country with both children at school did not help. She spends hours telling us about her time at work - 60 years ago, before she got married! She should have had a job - I have no doubt about that - and maybe she would have had more confidence and passed that on to me and my brother.

TheWordFactory · 06/03/2015 11:50

Yes, it's strange, my MIL always harps on about her pre DC job. She's now 75 and gave up work at 26.

I suspect my DH would say he wishes she had worked when he lived at home, or done anything that meant she didn't focus on him!

bigbluestars · 06/03/2015 12:28

Fanfeckintastic- what difference does my age make?

bigbluestars · 06/03/2015 12:29

Id the opinion of a young parent not so valid?

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 12:30

Confuddled it isn't as black and white as that - the happy mummy happy baby line is being used here to defend keeping a bit of a life for yourself (as you concede is okay, being a parent does not have to 100% of your life) not putting your dc last priority?

(Men never have to justify putting their work / career fulfilment / hobbies first - pretty unfair IMO)

There is a responsibility for parents to put dc first yes in the sense that their basic needs are met & they are happy and loved - but if I'm happy working and miserable at home or PT with no career then surely that's better for dc ? I've definitely made sacrifices where I've decided dc needs are more important in certain cases - but I draw a line somewhere that I feel is okay and won't affect her negatively. In fact I think it's good for kids to realise they are not the centre of the universe and other people's needs wants and obligations have to be factored in - that is life!

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 12:35

Also I'd argue that me working full time is better for our family in the long term (but that's unique to every situation).

And even if it wasn't, why do women have to justify everything in the context of what's best for their family? I'm irritated at myself that I've ended up doing this. Men don't do this. They are allowed to want to have career success AND kids they see mornings/evenings and weekends without judgment

bigbluestars · 06/03/2015 12:35

I agree madame- if you are miserable at home looking after your kids then work does sound like a better option.

However there are many SAHMs having a great time with their kids and very happy.
Just as their are many working mothers tired, stressed, unhappy with not enough hours in the day.

MadameLeBean · 06/03/2015 12:39

My child is at school so I wouldn't be looking after her most of the time anyway! I love spending time with her of course and would go part time in a heartbeat if it wouldn't ruin my career but it would & that would severely impact my self esteem and happiness.

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