To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

[yetanotherchangename]

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

scrumpy- it's lovely to hear that your child loves his childminder as much as you

I think you are twisting words there bigblue. I presume your children have grandparents or a much loved aunt or uncle. Does that mean they don't love you?

Not really, bigblue. Mental health conditions aren't divorced from environment. And you have a long way to go to convince people that a mother who is miserable or resentful is going to provide the best possible parenting.

Anyway. Some parents are great, some aren't, whether they go out to work or stay home with their kids. Some childcare is great, some isn't. Some people have family support, some don't.

People's families and circumstances are different, and they behave accordingly. What is it about that you struggle with?

I've seen the "it's not real life" thing three times on MN of late. Apparently school isn't real life or your workplace and now nursery! Yes they are! I don't get it!

No bigblue if a mother or father is unhappy for whatever reason....staying at home all day....working outside the home....not getting enough sleep....whatever...then this could most certainly lead to mental health problems.

bigblue you always come across so insecure when these topics come up. Would you like to talk about it?

'Real life' for my children was a healthy mix of family time , 1:1 time with me, 1:1 time with dad, nursery, later on school, university, work.

They seem to have done ok.

If I was a solely sahm I would possibly have a few mh issues....however this is just me.

I used to really wish my mum wasn't a sahm ....odd really that I had such feelings as a small child.

fanfeckintasic- Ha Ha!.

Don't give up your day job.

Don't give up your day job.

Isn't that what you want her to do? < wide eyes >

I'm work in mental health. When I see someone for an initial assessment, it involves taking quite a detailed personal history. I've heard countless people talk about physical, sexual and emotional abuse they experienced as a child, I regularly assess people who grew up witnessing domestic abuse or whose parents were alcoholics or who just simply didn't give a shit about them. In nearly 20 years, I haven't heard anyone who has raised the issue of both their parents working as something that has adversely affected them.

Lovely to see this thread is still oozing with sensitivity.

I've been thinking about what's been said on here a lot today (at work, while my child is at his childminder) feeling pretty rotten about my situation now.

What I cannot understand is why SAHP and WOHP who have a CHOICE even enter into this discussion, or start threads about it. Why???
You made a choice. I think we can assume that you are happy with said choice. Otherwise you wouldn't have made it.

In which case why do you give a flying shit what anyone else has to say about it? Genuinely, why would it bother you one iota? How can you be offended?

I'd love to be a SAHM. If I had the chance, hand on heart I wouldn't give a shit what any one else's opinion is, I'd be secure and happy because it's what our family had decided. I'd feel so lucky I had the choice.

I don't have a choice to work. I feel guilty about it. That's how I feel and I would never be so presumptuous to assume all WOHP feel this way. I know many don't, I wish I could be more like that.

Here's this thing, when you don't have a choice it's just really fucking unpleasant to hear all these negative opinions.
I know my childminder cares very much for my DS, but she doesn't love him like I do, obviously, I'm his mum.

If you have never been in the situation where you have no choice but to go back to work (or stay at home when you dont want to) when you have small children, you will not understand how deep some of these comments cut.

Work ethic aside, I hope I can teach my children some sensitivity for others. Is this not what makes us sophisticated human beings?

Isn't that what youwanther to do? < wide eyes >

But what about the wm made miserable by not being able to have sahp for a while.If the well being of mothers who want to be out at work is important then so is the well being of those who would like some time at home,who feel stressed and upset that family life isn't working. I know several deeply unhappy mums stuck in this situation but as a society we simply don't give a shit about those mums or the kids in childcare they hate. Not every kid suits or thrives in childcare,it's great if yours does but assuming all kids are the same is frankly wrong.

Hear hear solidarity really well written. I would really like yetanothernamechange to answer your questions, she probably won't though

I was reflecting today as well on how SAHM's come on these threads to argue that they are doing the best for their children, raising them in a loving environment (which no one would argue with)- why can't these same SAHM's extend some of this love and compassion towards other mothers who are not making the same choices as them, but whose intentions are the same- to raise their children in a loving environment?

Jassy

Oh for fucks sake.

Seriously. Do people not consider that just because their situation is x someone else's might be y?
It's getting beyond a joke now. If people cannot understand why people might make a different choice to them this isn't a debate or even interesting.
It's all bullshit. As usual. Palming kids off the institutions, why have kids if you don't want to look after them, etc. point scoring, I'm better than you, I pity you and your kids, everyone has a choice, why not do what I do.
If you cannot comprehend there might be benefits to a family by making a choice different to what your family does then you are quite honestly stupid.

I think solidarity and tantrums have got it right, and have expressed everything that I think about this "debate".

solidarityplease - lovely, sensitive, intelligent post. You are doing what is the right thing for your family - sorry this has got to you today

The problem I think is that their is no "best" choice (assuming people have a choice). There are downsides to both lifestyles as there are upsides, for parents and for kids and for relationships. People get defensive and try to justify their choices because they are insecure about them, feel guilty or resentful about the negative bits etc! But the other side are having the same feelings for different reasons! Often it's a binary choice - career or family - the structure of our society and work culture makes it damn hard to have a happy medium. Don't put other people's choices down just to feel better about settling for your own - does that make sense?

I'd hate being a full time sahm - resent not working find it really boring etc BUT of course I feel guilty when I miss things cos I'm working ! But not guilty enough to throw my career away by going part time it seems. Maybe I'm evil.

Fwiw I had this debate (more civilised than on here!) with my best friend a sahm who thinks it's better for her kids, it helps ease the burden if you have that justification - it's bloody tough! But she will freely discuss it with me as I will discuss my bias to wohms for various reasons including my own choices, feminist beliefs and my background. Our opinions are shaped by our own experiences and are subjective in that way.

Solidarity - I think your post should be the one to draw a line under this whole debate. Well said!

solitarity I have been where you are. And its shit, that feeling of not having a choice.

Five plus years down the line, the fact that I stuck out my job through the pre-school years has meant I have enough experience and goodwill etc in the bank to now be able to fit my hours around school and holidays.

None of my friends who gave up work and had to start again somewhere else when kids started school have had this luck. Kids are at school a lot longer than the preschool years so just bear that in mind.

Also with hindsight the dc got loads out of nursery. They talk about it with real joy and say they were glad they went. They all go to pre-school anyway at 3.

So hang in there and the non-choices now may just turn into the best thing (or ok thing) in the long run.

Ok I'll shut up now!
Let's leave it at what solidarity said ??

Shame we never see these threads about men.

The problem with saying that "it's better for my kids that I work/don't work" is that those kids are no different from any other kids, so the person saying this is actually saying that it's better for all kids, unless their kids are special or have special needs.

Erm, no. Not at all. It's better for my kids in my context for a wide range of reasons that relate to the specifics of where we live, available childcare, who we are, what matters to us and what our finances dictate. These variables and how we view them are based on our circumstances, no one else's.

YNBU. I think people should do what works for them, and others can like it lump it.
It adds or takes nothing from my life whether parents work or not.