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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
MadameLeBean · 05/03/2015 19:16

Blue stars there are many instances where I have to put my child's needs above my own and many where I also choose to do that. But I'm not going to make myself miserable by staying at home full time or ruining my career to go part time when I don't think that it's detrimental to my child to have two FT working parents. I just don't believe that it is.

Past a certain point of basic needs met, children are happiest when their parents are happy.

LePetitMarseillais · 05/03/2015 19:21

Elitest- rubbish.

I know soooooo many people who had a sahp for a while and believe you me none were rich or elite and did/ do all kinds of jobs,some quite menial.

Many people paying childcare bills pretty equal to some wages,are they elite too?

DustyPinkBrogues · 05/03/2015 19:22

One thing that always makes me laugh on these threads apart from all the ridiculous generalisations is the assumption that the parents are always the best thing for the child full time 24/7.

Often the smuggest SAHPs I come across are what I would consider to be fairly shoddy parents (uptight, overbearing, won't ever leave them with gps etc) and I think their dc would probably benefit from another influence in their lives.

It takes a village to raise a child and all that.

Lweji · 05/03/2015 19:31

The problem with saying that "it's better for my kids that I work/don't work" is that those kids are no different from any other kids, so the person saying this is actually saying that it's better for all kids, unless their kids are special or have special needs.

I agree that when we have kids we have to consider their needs, but I don't think their needs should always be above anyone else in the family. All family members should be sufficiently happy.
I won't go out as much as I used to, nor spend as much time in activities outside of the house, or go away for work for as long as I used to, but I will still go out, do things outside of the house and go away for work.
I have worked hard to work on something I enjoy and have a career. Hopefully something I will still enjoy when DS leaves home.

Not sure what's best for DS, but he is happy, well adjusted and doing well at school. So far, at least. I'm sure he'd still be ok, possibly better, who knows, if I had stayed at home. But in life nothing is perfect, and children also have to deal and learn how to deal with what happens in their lives.

If you make different choices, good for you. :)
But they are your choices.

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 19:34

dusty- All children do best when raised in an engaging, challenging environment, village life as you say.
I don't really see children in a nursery institution type setting emulating that environment though.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 19:39

I don't really see children in a nursery institution type setting emulating that environment though.

Seriously?

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 19:41

Seriously.

It's hardly real life.

anothernumberone · 05/03/2015 19:43

Bigblue I actually would rather a model of childcare in early years which in centred on parents via shared maternity paternity leave for 18 months plus, a childminder arrangement often until 3ish and then nursery until 6 and then school. That would be my preference. I personally would love DH to have had the same entitlement to paternity leave that I had to maternity leave, he is an excellent and very engaged parent so I really feel my kids would have benefited from him having that time with them but our society just does not support parents in that way. I think it is a real shame.

leedy · 05/03/2015 19:43

[shrugs] My mother "abandoned me to childcare" for some of the time (she was a teacher so had long holidays), I don't feel like I was unloved, or that "somebody else raised me", or that I wanted her to be at home more. We have a great relationship.

In fact my mother originally quit her job when I was born (I was the eldest) as she felt pre-kids that SAHM was going to be the best option for us (especially as maternity leave was rubbish in the early 70s). She realized seven or eight months in that it wasn't for her and went back to work when I was about 10 months. Had three more kids while continuing to work. I'm still really proud of her for realizing that something wasn't working for her/our family and changing her mind even though it wasn't the "done thing" for a lot of women at the time.

Only1scoop · 05/03/2015 19:43

I know I sent dd to one of those 'institutions' at 10 months for 2 afternoons a week....

Didn't even need to but blimey.... how I loved the break....

countessmarkyabitch · 05/03/2015 19:43

Of course its real life. It's literally real life, since thats where they go for that part of their life.

PacificDogwood · 05/03/2015 19:44

If everybody were entirely happy with how their life is organise, then nobody would need to be so bloody defensive and self-righteous.

We all do the best we can - some of us are lucky to have choices, others just do what they need to to get one with things.
Children have been raised to be well-balanced, happy, functioning adults under all sorts of circumstances.
There are good indications that lack of consistency is more damaging than whether or not a parent is at home full-time.

As OliviaMNHQ would say, love and peace.

chillysnowman · 05/03/2015 19:44

That is what I was getting at dusty. I think it is very difficult for 1 person to provide everything a child needs

Lweji · 05/03/2015 19:45

Real life being at home with a parent? Really?

Waltonswatcher · 05/03/2015 19:45

What a lot of critical bull shit.
When are women going to start empathising with each other over shared but different difficulties ?
Fecking never it seems .

I'm a sahp and when i say I'm lucky to do it, I mean it. I'm not on any benefits . I work really hard .
I'm lucky my son has Tourette's ,OCD,aspergers. I'm lucky my dd has multiple severe allergies. I'm lucky my fit healthy husband had a major stroke .
I'm really lucky because I'm here to support them through it 24 hrs a day when needed. And through all the other shit life chucks at me . I'm lucky because I could care for my dying friend when everyone else had to work.
I can go on...
It's been great for my family but crap for my future personal finances.
I don't give a flying feck what anyone else thinks .
Threads like this show some women up.

anothernumberone · 05/03/2015 19:47

WaltonFlowers

Only1scoop · 05/03/2015 19:51

It's whatever suits your family and lifestyle....

I only work about 5 times a month but absolutely love what I do and enjoy it.

My mum was a sahm and I used to wish she went to work as I got older.

I realise I'm immensely lucky to kind of have best of both worlds.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 19:54

It's hardly real life.

I think that makes you sound deluded and ill-informed, but fortunately you're not making choices for me kid, nor I for yours. Grand how 'making the right choices for our own families, based on informed options' works, isn't it?

ScrumpyBetty · 05/03/2015 19:56

bigbluestars I couldn't disagree with you more about children who are in childcare not being in a loving environment. What utter utter crap. You obviously haven't done much research about childcare options available to back up your ridiculous statement.
My DS is with a fab childminder and she is extremely loving and caring towards him, he gets loads of cuddles and hugs from her and plainly adores her.

Sonnet · 05/03/2015 19:56

Great idea Jessy

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 19:59

scrumpy- it's lovely to hear that your child loves his childminder as much as you.

TheWordFactory · 05/03/2015 20:00

Keepin' it real sista Grin.

I dunno.

ScrumpyBetty · 05/03/2015 20:01

bigbluestars actually happy mum most definitely equals happy children. There are definitely sometimes mothers must put themselves first, I'm not talking about leaving a child to cry it out whilst mum watches tv or eats chocolate, that is a want and not a need.
But a mother needs to be happy to raise happy children surely...a depressed mother who is suffering from mental health difficulties really might struggle to look after her children and meet their needs. I work with people with depression and it really does affect their ability to function...even to get out of bed in the morning.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 05/03/2015 20:15

Bigbluestars sounds very threatened by the fact that some people's children have great relationships with their childminder/ nanny/ key worker.

My eldest dd went to a childminder from a few months old. Worked out brilliantly. My others went to a fabulous nursery which, years later, they reminisced about. They then went to after school club when a bit older.

Of course they still loved DH and me above everyone else. (Bet that fact pisses bluestars off!) It was just brilliant that they had those other opportunities to forge relationships with othet adults too.

To be honest, the proof of the pudding is I guess that my now adult children are happy, emotionally in tune, educationally successful etc. As they would no doubt have been if I'd stayed at home. Or if DH had stayed at home. There are many families where the children have the capacity to thrive in various environments... They do well with working parents but would be equally fine with a non working parent

And therein lies the rub i suspect... If you believe that your children would be disadvantaged if you worked, I guess it's tempting to resent parents whose children aren't.

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 20:15

Which makes a bit of a nonsense of your happy mummy-happy baby.

What you really mean is that a baby thrives best in an atmosphere where a mother has no mental health problems.

Which is an entirely different thing altogether.

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