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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
MadameLeBean · 05/03/2015 16:37

Confuddled that's your sacrifice to make - as you place more importance on your dc having you home part time than on you having career fulfilment - I place more importance on my career. Does that mean it's a worse choice for my DD? She still does extra curriculars but yes I'm not around to help with homework - she does it at school. Is that worse for her? I don't think it is, I think the benefit of me being fulfilled rather than marginalised at work (as I would be in my role if I went part time) outweighs the marginal benefit of being home part time. Also it means I can earn more and pay for activities which she otherwise wouldn't be able to do. I do think both parents working FT is hectic though and if our careers were more family friendly id love for us both to work 4 days but in our fields you literally cannot compete unless you work FT. I don't work to live, I would hate doing a job I didn't feel challenged and fulfilled in.

Bowness · 05/03/2015 16:56

Hi there. I'm a Sahm to three children age 11,8 and almost 4, I have been for the last 4 years and don't plan to go back to work (unless I have to) until my youngest starts secondary school, so another 7 years off.

Now before I go into any more detail I'll start by saying (because I know someone will eventually ask) yes, we do claim benefits. My husband works full time earning approx 19k a year and we recieve a sizeable amount in tax credits/child benefit/housing benefit every month, so there, you know.

Anyway before having our third child both myself and my husband worked, me 21 hours and my husband 50/60 hours a week. I was unexpectedly made redundant whilst on maternity leave, and once we looked into the sums it just didn't make sense for me to return to work. Personally I wanted to be able to spend more time with my children and for me to bring up my youngest, not a nursery or a nanny. It basically worked out that we was better off with just my husband working and me being at home so that's what we've done for the last few years.

My children love the fact I'm around all the time and can be there for school plays, over the school holidays and they're happy that here not being dumped in holiday club. I'm educated to degree level and plan to return to my studies once my youngest starts school but I will not be going back to work full time for many years yet. My husband works his backside off and our know this. He is the one setting a good example by going out to work on a daily basis and I'm there to do everything at home, so it's win win, and do I care wether we get help to enable us to have this set up.....? NO I don't!

fromparistoberlin73 · 05/03/2015 17:01

of for fucks fuck fuck sake

ARE WE NOT BORED OF THIS NOW??????

waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

carlywurly · 05/03/2015 17:02

Yabu - so many people have no choice. I was a sahm for 6 years, now I'm back at work 25-30 hrs a week in a decent job I enjoy.

I think part time is the holy grail for me personally and us as a family. Best of both worlds but was a bugger to find. I know I'm lucky.

I wouldn't criticise anyone else for their choices - most of us do what we need to rather than what we want to.

Sonnet · 05/03/2015 17:03

Yes I get that Fauxlivia. The point I was trying to make to more than potato is that if one parent is working one and one parent is staying at home but relies on benefits to be able to be a stay at home parent then what is there to be proud about? . If both parents were working, even if they still received benefits, they would still be less of a burden on the state.

This whole WWOH v's SAHM debate Falls down in my opinion when the SaHM is dependent on top up benefits to enable their choice.
MoreThanPotato implied that this is not an issue. Apologies if I have misunderstood more than potato

squoosh · 05/03/2015 17:05

'they're happy that here not being dumped in holiday club'

Dumped? Bore off.

Misslgl88 · 05/03/2015 17:06

Stinkersmum - that's not how I meant it, I will be returning to work as I said for my own sense of fulfilment and to further my career. I meant overall about the principle thing. After DD was born I did return to work home caring but company was sold so I decided to be a sahm for a few years until I went to uni when Dd started pre school so i certainly have nothing again sahm. For me I'm also better off working than staying at home money wise. I understand that it may have come across that I was trying to say that if you don't work you can't teach good ethics but I was meaning from my own set of experiences from life so far. Like I said it is what works for each individual family, this is what works for mine so far, things can change so fast though.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 05/03/2015 17:07

My two beg to go to holiday clubs even when I'm not working, spending all day playing sports with friends or doing drama workshops, they love it. DD's friend is jealous that she doesn't get to go because she has a SAHM.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/03/2015 17:09

Again..different situations.

Mine loved holiday club. When they didn't have to go because I booked AL they wanted to go. Not all Dcs enjoy stuff like that. Or maybe they would but they don't need to go so don't know what it's like. Or a million and one other things.

I don't get it. There's no need to point score or take offence. It just....is. There's nothing wrong with someone's Dcs not liking holiday club. There's nothing wrong with my Dcs loving it.

Bonsoir · 05/03/2015 17:11

Holiday camps and courses can be fantastic - hanging around at home can be excruciating.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 05/03/2015 17:12

Op, can I ask why, if you believe it is better for your children (and I don't doubt it), you feel the need to post about it here? Why is that knowledge not enough for you? Why the need for validation? At best all your question does is stoke controversy. At worst, it makes others who have to work feel shit about it.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 05/03/2015 17:13

Op, can I ask why, if you believe it is better for your children (and I don't doubt it), you feel the need to post about it here? Why is that knowledge not enough for you? Why the need for validation? At best all your question does is stoke controversy. At worst, it makes others who have to work feel shit about it.

Bowness · 05/03/2015 17:15

My eldest two do go to a youth club over the holidays, I tend to book them in for 2-3 mornings/afternoons as some of their friends fr school go. But this is becuase they mither me to go and really enjoy it, not because I'm working full time and they have to go. I can also plan last minute days outs and weekends away which i wouldn't be able to do if I worked full time.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/03/2015 17:17

See- this is what drives me mad.

Just because the op says it's better for her children to have a sahp, why would that make me feel shit about working?

Why can't everyone just accept they are doing their best in their current situation, and actually having food and heat and a place to live is better for their children rather than a sahp
Or in my case it's better for my children to have 2 wohp because neither of us would be very good at sahp?

There's so many factors to this and really, we all do the best we can in the situation we are in.
Why would another persons opinion Make you question what you know is the right decision for you

It's ok to say "I made the right choice for me"
It doesn't mean you are also saying ...and everyone else got it wrong, does it?

TheWordFactory · 05/03/2015 17:17

Dumped in holiday courses!?!

Really. Over the years mine have done swimming courses, tennis, football, drama, language schools in other countries etc etc etc. I very rarely work during the school holidays, but my DC enjoyed them.

If parents used them as an aide to working then who lost out exactly?

GokTwo · 05/03/2015 17:18

I agree Blameitontheboogie....we are all different, we do what works for our families. I have friends who work full time part time or not at all. Some are happy some are not. Really, stop justifying your choices. It's like the breastfeeding/bottle feeding debate.

VirginiaTonic · 05/03/2015 17:20

YANBU!

YES! Some families can't manage with two parents working!

BUT! I know a mum who has worked full time, leaving home at 6am and returning at 6pm every day since her baby was 6 mth old. That child never saw it's parents for more than an hour each day throughout the whole of their childhood during the week. This wasn't because they were making ends meet, this was because both parents had VERY well paid jobs and needed them to pay for the mansion they own and high end cars and multiple luxury holidays abroad each year. If you asked her though, she would claim there was no choice but to work. How is this a better role model for the child than that of a SAHM who sacrifices a few luxuries in order to spend more time with a child?

PacificDogwood · 05/03/2015 17:21

By parents FOR parents - remember, to make our lives easier? Better? Support each other??

FFS.

AndyWarholsOrange · 05/03/2015 17:21

It's obligatory on these threads for someone to post about children being 'dumped'or 'thrown into' nursery/breakfast club/holiday club. Bowness Are you happy lounging around all day sponging off your DH and the state?
Can we stop now?

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:21

What was being pointed out to you, Bowness, was that your choice of language was fairly awful. Out of interest, what is your husband's role in bringing up your children?

I have no doubt that her being a SAHM is better for her kids. Emphasis on her. Because different things are better for different families, which is why threads like this become so incredibly tedious and full of people justifying their own position by attacking others'.

PacificDogwood · 05/03/2015 17:22

Has anybody mentioned day orphanages yet?

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:22

Virginia, why is it only the mother in your example who draws your ire?

GokTwo · 05/03/2015 17:24

Grin. Pacific dog!

Bowness · 05/03/2015 17:24

Yes I am happy, very.

VirginiaTonic · 05/03/2015 17:25

I don't really know the father.