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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/03/2015 17:25

virginia

Maybe she likes her jobs and the "luxuries"
Maybe being a parent doesn't mean ceasing to be an actual person as well?
Maybe it's her choice and about as much your business as it is mine to ask you what type of job you left to be a sahp, how much you earned, how much your DH earns now and a full breakdown of the sacrifices you have made over the years.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:26

Why's that relevant? You're talking about role models and present parents. Why focus on the mother just because she's the one you know, unless you think it's a woman's role to stay home? If that's the case, it's fine to say so.

Bowness · 05/03/2015 17:27

My husband brings up our children the same as I do. He is home every weekend, he helps around the house, baths our youngest, takes them on days out, reads with them and takes them camping for a week every june when his work closes down, he's a brilliant dad and husband for that matter.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:27

Bowness, no answer on your husband's role with your kids, given you have to be at home 24/7 (even when the kids are not) to be bringing them up?

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:29

Sorry, cross post, based on your earlier post about 'bringing up your children' instead of nursery/nannies - which logically means a parent who works isn't raising their kids, even if the other parent is at home.

Do you see the problem with the language you used? It implies your husband isn't bringing up your children, because he's outsourced it to you.

Bowness · 05/03/2015 17:30

Erm I've just given an answer have I not? And my kids are here most of the time actually, obviously my eldest two attend school but my youngest doesn't and he doesn't go to nursery so he is with me 24/7.

VirginiaTonic · 05/03/2015 17:30

I focused on the mother because that is what the discussion the OP instigated was about! Tantrums Yes all of of those things probably apply, does that make it right for her child though, for a baby/toddler to see it's parents for an hour a day?

Bowness · 05/03/2015 17:33

He hasn't "outsourced it to me" I decided to be a sahm, me not him. He agreed it may well work in theory but I was the one who chose to be a Sahm in the first place and it has been me who has made it work in practice.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:36

Precisely, Bowness. Unfortunately, the way you phrased it earlier implied otherwise. Do you not see the problem with the words you chose?

Or were you meaning to be perjorative and put others down, and are now ducking owning up to it?

MadameLeBean · 05/03/2015 17:41

Jassy is right - by that standard all the WOHDs are not raising their own kids either! But they don't get shit for it!

TheWordFactory · 05/03/2015 17:43

Ah but men on these threads always manage to be wonderful fathers and work.

Women can't do this. Apparently.

VirginiaTonic · 05/03/2015 17:47

I don't think anyone would criticise a family where the mum worked and the dad stayed at home though would they? It is when childcare is completely outsourced to outside agencies that people start to become uncomfortable with it.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 17:50

Unfortunately, Virginia, on these threads it's the mothers who tend to be excoriated for working. The dads don't come in for any stick, even though a fair proportion of the mothers are the main earners in the family.

drudgetrudy · 05/03/2015 18:12

Haven't read full thread but in reply to first post:- It is your decision what you feel is best for your family-other people make their own decisions.
No-one is interested in you making announcements about it.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 05/03/2015 18:18

Bowness - for me to bring up my youngest, not a nursery or a nanny

This is sentence sums up exactly the superiority complex that SAHPs have.

Bowness · 05/03/2015 18:28

I don't have a superiority complex, I just made the decision to put my children before my work whilst they are young. And no I'm not saying they others mums see their work as more important than their children, what I'm saying is that for me it came down to choosing which was more important, a second income that meant we could live very comfortably or time with my children, and I chose my children.

JassyRadlett · 05/03/2015 18:32

That's fine. That's your choice. But if you don't intend to put other people down, you should consider using different language in future. Assuming that you don't feel the need to put others down to feel secure in your own choice, of course.

anothernumberone · 05/03/2015 18:32

But Bowness everyone chooses their children don't they?

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 18:35

I think there are some great day care options for children, I know of brilliant childminders, I am sure there are fantastic nurseries and superb nannies.
But that wasn't an option I wanted to consider.

Not because I am "better qualified" or have any special abilities that make me better than a childcare giver- but because I wanted my children to be brought up in a full time loving environment.

I know that WOHP love and care for their children as much as I do, but to me having them in that loving environment of home full time was vital.

Sure childcare giver are caring, expert, and no doubt sensitive to their charges- but they are not loving.

To me that was crucial.

anothernumberone · 05/03/2015 18:38

But bigbluestars do you think 2 working parents don't bring their children up in a home with love?

Bowness · 05/03/2015 18:41

I feel secure in my choices. I chose not to go back to work, no one had a gun to my head. At the time I could have walked back into another job but I didn't want that. I knew what being a Sahm would entail so there were no surprises, and unlike some i don't find it tiring, boring or relentless, I really enjoy it so you see i don't see the need to validate my own choices.

Iggi999 · 05/03/2015 18:41

TheWordFactory - exactly.

anothernumberone · 05/03/2015 18:42

Sorry posted too soon, I mean children go to school, college, get a job and finish living their lives and they will judge whether they grew up in a home full of love based on that context will they not?

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 18:42

Don't try to twist my words anothernumberone- I already said that "I know that WOHP love and care for their children as much as I do"- that's not the issue.

I just prefer my LOs to be in a loving environment full time.

Ledkr · 05/03/2015 18:43

Nobody is bringing up my children apart from me and dh. Someone is however looking after them for a few hours while I get some work done, I'm really unsure why that's such a bad thing.