Page 21 | To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

yetanotherchangename · 2015-03-04T12:39:41+00:00

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family. I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

Treaclepot · 05/03/2015 07:20

I worked fulltime and hated it. Hardly saw kids.
I stayed at home fulltime and hated it. Saw kids all the fecking time.
But felt guilty doing both. Guilt from missing them. And guilt from finding it so hard being at home.

There is no right answer.

LePetitMarseillais · 05/03/2015 07:22

Oh and I'd just like to point out that by the time I retire I will have put in more working hours even with my career break than many who work part time all the way through.I've worked since 16( all the way through uni) and saved hard for my career break,I will obviously like most of us be working into my dotage.

7 years off for my dc in what 50,60 or maybe even more of working( most full time) is nothing so you can hoik up your judgy pants all you like.

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 07:23

treacle- there are right answers for some I found the answer very easy.

The truth is that no -one has a perfect life, but for me the decision I took was 100% the right one, and I never wavered- even though life was not perfect.

LePetitMarseillais · 05/03/2015 07:25

And finally those 7 years although not valued by society were worth their weight in gold for my dc.

Now off to work I go.

Fauxlivia · 05/03/2015 07:25

Fragile I will explain to my daughter and to my sons for that matter, that they need qualifications so they have choices.

It's important that all people can support themselves, even though there may be times in life when they don't work.

You'd have to be completely thick to believe a sahp never uses their education or that learning is only valuable if it directly generates money taxation.

MadameLeBean · 05/03/2015 07:26

The problem is that there are very few "careers" where you can take 5 yrs out & just go back to it.

Personally I am in favour of both parents sharing parental leave for the first year (which you can now do) and then both going part time afterwards if possible (if you both work 4 days that's 2 days out of five weekdays someone is at home and 4 days out of 7!). I work ft so does my partner and I'm not denying that it would be less stressful and nice for DD if we had a day at home (but not a full time sahp after they start school - what's the point?).

But unfortunately PT is still seen as slacking & most men won't make those kind of career sacrifices & they don't have to justify it because mostly they are the breadwinner! If more women didn't give up work when they had kids (& weren't automatically expected to) that wouldn't be the case - it's a vicious circle!

That's why I think sahm / wohm is a feminist issue & I won't accept that it's a free choice for women until there are just as many house husbands! We are under SO MUCH PRESSURE to take >50% of the responsibility for our children - why?

I won't be taking any more time off than my partner when we have kids of our own, yes it's nice for very small kids to have someone at home at least part time but why can't that be shared??

MadameLeBean · 05/03/2015 07:31

Treacle I get that. I hated being at home full time and that was only the 0-5m baby stage! When dd was 5m-5y I was studying so had a nice balance of home/uni and a very flexible life. I had time and mental energy for both.

Now I have been working FT since dd was 6 (she's now ten) I love my job but it isn't one you can do PT (as much as I would LOVE to have a bit more balance again and work 4 days although I think that goes for most people with or without kids!)

SarfEasticatedMumma · 05/03/2015 07:35

Solidarity think of your amazing long hols! And you will have those throughout his school career. Most working parents only get 4 weeks, so you have the holy grail of holiday allowance.
I don't mean this to sound trite/garbled - hopefully you know what I mean - tying myself in knots about world book day!

MadameLeBean · 05/03/2015 07:37

Treacle I get that. I hated being at home full time and that was only the 0-5m baby stage! When dd was 5m-5y I was studying so had a nice balance of home/uni and a very flexible life. I had time and mental energy for both.

Now I have been working FT since dd was 6 (she's now ten) I love my job but it isn't one you can do PT (as much as I would LOVE to have a bit more balance again and work 4 days although I think that goes for most people with or without kids!)

Westendgal · 05/03/2015 07:48

What do kids say? Mine were, at times, quite vocal about not wanting me to work. They hated after school club etc. i work PT but even then it was hard when they were little and fell ill with the usual bugs for a week at a time.

Stinkersmum · 05/03/2015 07:53

Fragile, I'll be explaining that mummy and daddy BOTH worked really fucking hard and made some tough decisions to ensure that by the time DC came along, mummy had the choice and financial freedom to be a SAHM.

Misslgl88 · 05/03/2015 07:53

I think it's what's right for each individual person/family.

Personally I wanted to return to work once DS got to 10 months as I had become very bored and felt a little unfulfilled at home, I needed to be someone other than 'mum' for a few hours and be with people my own age so I got a job doing 16 hours as an auxiliary nurse and I love it I do 2 shifts then have the rest of the time with DC, this works for my OH too as he works full time so it works out just nice, DD is at school and DS goes to a CM or MiL helps when she can.

Im just about to go on Mat leave but I intend on returning to work probably doing 2 night shifts other wise my childcare bills would be colossal! Also I feel for me it's a principle and for me will hopefully teach my children about the rewards of working. It worked for me with my parents both mine worked I then went out at 13 and got a job and have worked ever since and mainly provided for myself although this didn't work for my sister!

This is just my opinion though and I am most certainly not judging everyone makes their own choices based on what is best for them

Stinkersmum · 05/03/2015 08:01

Mmisslgl88 - so you can only teach your child about the rewards of working if you work whilst you're a parent? I'm expecting my first child in October. I'll be 40 when it's born. Previous to that, I've worked since I was 14 years old. Am I not able to instill the same good work ethic just because I choose to be a SAHM after working for 26 years?

bigbluestars · 05/03/2015 08:03

I don't want my kids to be part of a world that only values a person's worth by their financial earnings.

My children have learned that we can be valued for the important and hard work we do within the home and caring for others as well as the economic wealth we generate.

It's all valuable.

WindyAway · 05/03/2015 08:05

I'm a SAHM, but I do Gina Ford - do they cancel each other out?

Stinkersmum · 05/03/2015 08:08

Doing Gina Ford cancels every single sane thing you've ever done.

RufusTheReindeer · 05/03/2015 08:08

I was talking to friends about this last night (hello if you are reading)

I've been off for 16 year but that wasn't my intention

Although I have really loved those years if I had a career like a nurse or teacher or police officer or social worker I probably would have either gone back to work once they were all at school or at least kept my hand in

But I didn't...I had an enjoyable JOB in an office, my part time would have been three very long days and I didn't get the promotion I was due (because I got pregnant I think with hindsight) and I wanted to have the first few years with my children, more flexible part time maybe I would have stayed (term time only anyone!!)

And anyone who says that WOHM aren't put down on very many threads are fucking stupid

And anyone who says that SAHM aren't put down on very many threads is fucking stupid

I bet if i would be bothered to check it's about 50/50 of intended insults, and a fair few unintended ones

lem73 · 05/03/2015 08:11

Fragile I will explain to my daughter that my education got me a good job which let me buy my first home. Also I will tell her that education broadened my horizons, let me meet lots of different people and allowed me to travel. Imo a good education is not just about material gain, it's about developing you as a person. In fact I already tell her older brothers the same thing.

SoupDragon · 05/03/2015 08:11

What I find strange is that it is a valued job when done by someone paid to look after children but when you do it yourself it isn't. How does that work then?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/03/2015 08:11

The work ethic argument is bizarre tbh. Does a person "lose" this work ethic because they are not currently employed?
Teaching our children that they have the world at their feet and encouraging them to take advantage of the tools on offer, such as education, so that they have the freedom to make choices when they are older is something we are all teaching our children. It doesn't become any less valid coming from a SAHP does it? A daughter isn't going to disregard advice from her mother because her mother made the choice to be a sahp

Stinkersmum · 05/03/2015 08:15

TantrumsAndBalloons exactly!

DrCoconut · 05/03/2015 08:16

If you can afford to not work and want to fine. I think working mums face far more judgement in general. I work through financial necessity. I get one week day off and I love being at home with DS, it is nice to have a relaxed day where we don't have to rush out to nursery and work and I get to do things with him too. Id love more free time to spend with him. So certainly my job is not to avoid him but to provide him with those frivolous luxuries like food and clothes thinks OP may be Laura Perrins

SoupDragon · 05/03/2015 08:19

I think working mums face far more judgement in general.

I think it's a fairly even split actually. Certain places/people make judgement about one more than the other but I think it evens out. It's stupid.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/03/2015 08:23

I agree soup

I think a lot of people take offence at things that are not actually designed to be offensive and feel compelled to have a little dig back. Which causes this whole situation.
Just...do whatever you want to do and fuck everyone else

nooyearnooname · 05/03/2015 08:24

I have no axe to grind either way here as no DCs (I work full time if that's at all relevant). Most of my friends have children and I don't know one single SAHM. Talking to two of my friends recently, both with 2 under 5. One works because financially it makes sense for her family as they couldn't manage on one wage, the other it actually doesn't make sense financially but she has a job she loves in a specialist field and she knows if she takes X years out her skills will be out of date and she will struggle to get back into her field.

Both talk about the constant feeling of never being good enough - being a crap parent because they are worn out from work, being a crap employee because they've been up all night with the baby. Being a crap wife, daughter, sister because they have nothing left to give after work and DCs have taken their toll.

I don't have a view on whether SAHM or WOHM is 'better' for the DCs. What I do suspect is that being a SAHM produces far less conflict and stress. Just my view with no experience though before anyone flames me!

One of the reasons I'm not going to have DCs is that I would have to work for financial reasons. And I can see just how bloody hard it is. I talked to one of the friends above about it and was surprised by her response 'you're very sensible. I adore the ground mine walk on, but if I had had any idea about how hard it would be, how much of a balancing act constantly, I wouldn't have done it either'.

If I could be a SAHM I'd do it in a heartbeat.

The problem, in my view, is the lack of support for WOHM. Not so much financial, but practical. Employers with good creche facilities. Government run childcare that isn't extortionate in city centres where lots of people work. More flexibility for fathers to work part time to take more of the childcare brunt. For me its not so much whether SAHM or WOHM is 'better', that's individual to each family. It's that the choice for most isn't there and so they have to WOHM and as a nation we're just not set up to support it. I'm equally sure there are many SAHMs who would love to work but the sums or practicalities don't add up.

Those who are genuinely free to choose either way are v v lucky IMO. And I don't know any of them!