To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

[yetanotherchangename]

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

Amen to that!

Don't see any men contorting themselves to justify their "choices" on here

This. Exactly.

Am I imagining it - or is it a common assumption that WOHMs only do so because they don't want to be at home all day with their children? Somehow, full time parenting is beyond their capabilities?
Bollocks to that. Lots of us work because we have to. Or because we love it. Or both. I have never worked because I felt incapable of being a SAHM.
I work because working is as central to my identity as being a mum. I work because I am fiercely independent. I work because I love my job.

I absolutely, positively do not go to work to avoid my DCs.

I don't think that's a common assumption.

I think it's an attitude used by some to denigrate women irrespective of their choices - stay at home mothers are accused of being lazy, workshy, dull etc, yet working out of the home mothers are accused of being disinterested in their own children, cold, financially motivated etc.

It's unpleasant which is why we shouldn't argue about what is "best" or denigrate others' choices when it depends on individual circumstances what is best for each family.

I've decided I'm no longer going to defend my choices. After all, my ex never ever felt the need to defend his piss poor choices, so really... why should I?

I'd say the real question is why we feel the NEED to defend our choices? They're all valid choices. Why would I question someone else's decisions about what's best for them and their family? All kinds of wrong.

Alice - spot on.

yetanother - feel as proud as you like, but understand your pride is irrelevant to anybody but yourself.

Maddening - I honestly don't take offence at other people's choices. I suppose I do take offence at other people's defence of their choices when I'm not allowed to defend my own. But that's only my perspective.

but surely the fact the other's need to defend their own choices being offesnsive to your choices infers that you are seeing wohm HAVING to defend their choices and I definitely don't see where you are not allowed to defend your own - people just need to try to express their reasoning without seemingly attacking other people's choices - but imo that is nigh on impossible.

Good for you OP - you don't have to define your self-worth as a woman and mother via whether you work outside the home or not. I was a SAHM for several years when my 2 were younger, Im glad and so are they, they still mention it even though they're quite grown now. Each to their own. Women are judged enough/far too much in this world, and some women add to it by judging mothers who want/choose to put motherhood first.

Where are all these threads bashing SAHM's? I haven't noticed any. I don't care about anyone else's decisions for their family just so long as there are no expectations from me or mine to facilitate that for them (eg lending money to a SAHM family or picking up a WM's kids after school so she doesn't have to pay for childcare). Staying home isn't always the best decision for a family, neither is having both parents working fulltime with long hours. Most people just muddle through best they can.

Mimi on another thread yesterday sahms were called cuntlodgers. There is also lots of the lazy, unemployed, your dh will leave you high and dry, boring, under the thumb, poor role model, I couldn't support another adult capable of working, I need more in life than baking cakes, pairing up dh socks, Comparison to prostitutes etc etc.
I fully understand why op felt need to start thread.
I also agree that people should not say the horrible things about wohm
Both are valid choices and I also agree that often there is no choice.

O and you see lots of threads where a sahm has a partner who does nothing in the home and at least one of 2 people will say you should do it all as that is your job and if they are being a lazy shit on holiday someone will pipe up they need their break more.

which thread was that?

o and I also started a thread once about dd being sick in the night and I had a nb to deal with too (nb awake and crying whilst dealing with poorly dd and her vomit) Some kind person told me I should suck it up because precious working prince might crash his car or make a mistake at work, lose his job, shatter our livelihood because he had to get up once in the night. Perfectly ok for me to be up two solid hours at a time and than do school run next morning.

Csn't link but about a female op who wanted to restrict spending money she gave to her unemployed dp who gambled.Someone used the term cocklodger. ssomeone else responded no different to the cuntlodgers on here. Someone else said he eould be called a sahm if female. Err no sahm fo the childcare and look after home. He did hardly any of that.

I don't think that SAHMs are judged more than WOHM even on mumsnet. even in this thread phrases such as judging mother who want/choose to put motherhood first constantly imply that by working women are putting motherhood second.
what i find hard is justifications for either role based on what is best for the child as if that is the only reason and that a sahm/wohp is somehow a martyr for their child.if you enjoy SAHM then you are getting something out of it - if you don't enjoy it then i expect money is playing a role. I don't know anyone who is a SAHP, who can afford to go out to work who is doing it soley because it is good for the children. i would loev to be a SAHM (i am sole breadwinner so can't)- I do believe taht on balance it would be better for DS but the real win would be I'd get to spend more time with him which I would enjoy.

I would add though that dads only ever have to justify being SAHDs- never having to be a working parent- and phrases like cocklodger are a lot more common on here than cuntlodger.

On a different note- how do you explain to a daughter that she needs to get qualifications if you are a SAHM permanently - what career are you preparing her for?

It will be more common though as the majority of members are women who are likely to post about their own difficulties. I hate both phrases but cocklodger is normally used when an individual is displaying those traits. However calling all sahms cuntlodgers is totally unacceptable

Very few sahms sahm permanently and do have a working life pre dc. (Some even degrees and a professional career) I Worked for 18 years pre dc and will work again so not that hard. I also run my own business very part time but ultimately I mainly sshm right now.

YANBU for thinking it's the right thing for your children, at all.

YABU for suggesting it is right for ALL children and families, though. I'm glad I work (although I do wish it was a little less!), it works for us, my son adores his nursery and is great with other kids and adults as a result. I really love our life just the way it is.

Each to their own.

I think everyone should be proud or happy or content with whatever they do.
I don't think the OP was slating working parents, tbh. I think she was trying to express how she felt and explain that she has to justify being a Sahm like there is something wrong with that choice

I also think that if you are happy to be a Sahp then no one in the world can tell you that is wrong.
And if you are happy to be a wohp no one can tell you that is wrong.

I actually like reading posts like morethan's and the OPs because it is a nice thing to say- my life works because I do xyz, it works for my family, I enjoy it, I think I made a good choice.
Just because someone has made a different choice and is reaping the benefits of that- it doesn't mean they are saying the other choice is wrong. It just means the decision they made works for their family and they are happy. Happy is a good thing, isn't it? It doesn't mean if you don't do what they do that you can't be happy. It just means we are all different.

And I say all that as a wohp who has worked FT since dd was 6 months old. She's 17 now. And as a parent who recognises that I would have been a horrible Sahm. I went back to work because I wanted to. Other people stay at home because they want to.
Horses for courses

adventuretime- I agree. I don't know of any women who became "permanant" SAHMs.

Although I gave up full time employment to look after our children at home I started to become economically active again within a couple of years.

Divide and Conquer is what the eternal WOHM/SAHM argument feels like.

One minute we're being told that we should get off our arses and back to work, that we need to set good role models and have self respect (thinking back to one conversation with random stranger at party who thought he was entitled to patronise me)

The next we're being confronted with new reports saying sending your kids to nursery damages them or posters saying shit like "career mums make bad parents".

So we end up arguing with each other rather trying to justify our own decisions. Men don't do that do they?

What a ridiculous post fragile,you must have been in planet Mars if you haven't seen the sahp bashing and belittling posts.

I gave up my job for my dc and know many others who did the same.But it's never permanent is it( something overlooked hugely in these threads). I'm now back full time after 7 years like pretty much everybody I know.I hold my hands up and will admit that they do miss out now but the benefits now outweigh the missing out.A few years ago for our family and circumstances the benefits of 2x wp wouldn't have been big enough to do it and having a sahp benefited them massively.

Oh and as for your jibe re work ethic. All of my dc have a strong work ethic which I instil daily and always have done,we're reaping the rewards daily now.As an aside my dd wants good qualifications,savings and a career which gives her the same choices I had.That is what I want for her too.If she wants to take time off in the interests of her children all power to her.

I see the point the op is trying to make and it's an important one.Working and putting your child into childcare is seen as heroic even if only for 2 days a week,not working is seen as slacking. Frankly as a society we are seriously overlooking the fact that many,many children and babies would be better off with a sahp and one parent taking a career break. Actually overlooking is wrong,ignoring is better.Many parents know that and want a sahp and I seriously think as a society we should be doing more to enable families to have one for a period of time if it would be better for their child,family and circumstances.

Any talk of 'putting motherhood first' is ridiculous. We put our children first whether we work or not.
Ditto the myth that WOHM don't get as much enjoyment out of being at home with their children as SAHM do. Bollocks. I loved being at home, but loved working part time too
And as I said before- life is about every family member living a balanced, fulfilling life. There are many ways to raise happy, balanced children, and wise parents will do this in a way which also enable them to lead a fulfilling life.

On a different note- how do you explain to a daughter that she needs to get qualifications if you are a SAHM permanently - what career are you preparing her for?

And right there, Fragile you make the same kind of thick judgemental comment you complain about being directed to WOHM.