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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
RitaOrange · 04/03/2015 21:44

I worked 1-2 days a week when mine were little.
I loved both aspects- it was lovely being with my children and I enjoyed being at work.
Grin

solidarityplease · 04/03/2015 21:48

Well this thread has made me feel really shit.

I work 3 days a week (teacher). I don't have a choice. Our mortgage was agreed on our combined wages.

I feel sick with guilt and disappointment most days that I have to pay someone else to look after my son, while I go off to teach other people's children.

I am so sad that I miss all these precious hours with my child, particularly as he is so young.

Thanks OP for letting me know how fabulous you have it and how happy you are with your situation.

Please remember that some people struggle daily with the consequences their lack of choice provides.

Be thankful you have the choice, but try not to gloat, it's not pleasant.

ScrumpyBetty · 04/03/2015 22:02

solidarity don't let yourself feel like shit because of this crappy thread, you are doing a good job and still get to spend 4 days a week with your son....who will be fine in childcare, and will probably thrive and love his time there, as most children do...OP is probably massively insecure about her choices hence needing to start a thread like this, most people don't give a shit whether other mums WOH or SAH because it's not at all important. Whet is important is the basics....the love, care, nurture etc that you give your child, all of which you can do whether you work or not.

ScrumpyBetty · 04/03/2015 22:05

And I haven't heard OP say what the benefit of staying at home is over working from home apart from some crap about teaching her DD to use a screwdriver....guess what, I work 3 days a week and I've taught my DS how to use a screwdriver too...Hmm

CultureSucksDownWords · 04/03/2015 22:06

This is the problem with trying to suggest that your own choice is best for everyone else, instead of supporting all parents in their choices or in situations where they don't have the luxury of choice.

Please don't feel shit solidarityplease, many many people do the same or work 4 or 5 days a week. You spend the majority of your week with your children, and you're also a public servant giving an education to other people's children as well. I really don't think that good quality childcare is a problem for young children.

ScrumpyBetty · 04/03/2015 22:08

I agree culture my DS is with a childminder, he couldn't be happier with her, he literally runs into her house on the mornings I drop him off, shrieking with happiness, and he doesn't look back. My childminder does loads of fab things with my DS that I would never have thought to do, he adores her

solidarityplease · 04/03/2015 22:14

Thank you culture and scrumpy, really lovely of you to say.

I'm feeling particularly grotty (and sensitive) about my circumstances today, after working a 12 hour day, thus missing my son's bedtime as I was still at school delivering a parent workshop til past 8 bloody pm.

Seen DS for the grand total of 1 hour today. Sad

I'm lucky that he has a fabulous childminder and I know he loves going to her and all his friends there, but it still breaks my heart a little everyday when I drop him off.

Gah, I'm just envious of SAHP and I know it. Not a pleasant trait either I know.

maddening · 04/03/2015 22:15

It is very hard to state that you made a particular choice - lifestyle/parenting etc for your particular reasons / benefits without simultaneously offending someone else - even if you try. Wry hard not to.

It is also v easy to only notice the posts or arguments which offend your choices.

Whether bf/ff, cc/cosleep ing, wohm/sahm etc it is the same just stating what you do and why will offend someone else unless v carefully worded.

So Yabu for taking offence at other people's choices but well done for being a mum doing her best - well done to all of us because quite frankly it is hard and relentless whichever you are (sahm/wohm)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 22:17

And thank goodness for my fabulous childminder.

thatsn0tmyname · 04/03/2015 22:20

I think it's healthy for parents to have their own interests and activities and a job. Parent's that channel all their focus on their children put a lot of pressure on them to fulfil ambitions that the parents didn't achieve.

maddening · 04/03/2015 22:20

Solidarity I do 5 days a week - I get the guilt too it's hard and we don't have the finances to do part time or sahm/sahd - you are still doing fab - totally cherish those 2 days they are pure gold :)

SarfEasticatedMumma · 04/03/2015 22:22

solidarity I think that as a teacher you make 30 children's lives special. I know you would rather be with yours but can I say how grateful the rest of us are that you are a lovely teacher.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 22:23

Maddening - I honestly don't take offence at other people's choices. I suppose I do take offence at other people's defence of their choices when I'm not allowed to defend my own. But that's only my perspective.

ScrumpyBetty - if I've caused so much offence and hurt by simply stating that I'm confident in my choice and take pride in what I do, I don't really think it's going to help posters like solidarity if I start enumerating the benefits is it?

OP posts:
MadameLeBean · 04/03/2015 22:26

Don't see any men contorting themselves to justify their "choices" on here Hmm

JohnCusacksWife · 04/03/2015 22:29

Had I had a choice I'd have stayed at home full time as I think that would have been best for my children. But I didn't have the luxury of that choice so I had to find a compromise and so worked part time & my kids went to nursery 2 days a week and their GPs one day a week. It was the best I could do and although it wasn't my first choice it worked out fine. The sooner we stop allowing ourselves to be beaten up for/by our choices the better.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 22:29

Aibu to think that its better for my dcs that their parents are together and own our own home?
See?

Lweji · 04/03/2015 22:33

Don't see any men contorting themselves to justify their "choices" on here

No, you don't. Nor anywhere.

Plomino · 04/03/2015 22:35

Solidarity , please don't feel shit about your choices . We all do what we have to do to make our individual circumstances work , be that as a WOHM , SAHM, part time , full time , shift working or 9 to 5 . And no one should need to justify their choices , whatever they are, let alone be made to feel guilty about them . Society blames us enough for our offspring's failings , without us doing it to ourselves as well. And I say that as a full time shift working long commuting mother of five who just about ticks every disapproval box except the single parent one , and I refuse to feel guilty for working to put food on the table. So there .

solidarityplease · 04/03/2015 22:37

Right, I'm tired and I've had a glass of wine, any more kindness and I'll have a little cry!Grin

Scrumbled · 04/03/2015 22:37

I have worked full time, part time and sahm with young children. The children have always been fine.

What does make family life easier is an adult to around to focus on keeping the family stuff going. We both work full time now with older kids, another adult to deal with keepi g the family going would still be appreciated.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 22:38
scousadelic · 04/03/2015 22:40

I think we all just do the best we can on the whole but it does arouse strong feelings as we all care about our families. I do understand where you are coming from though as I have, at times, felt that SAHPs are not appreciated as they should be

For my part I have always worked part-time, firstly evenings and weekends then school/term time with a few full time weeks each year. I'd have been very happy not to work at all sometimes but we needed the money and now DCs are grown I continue in a vain attempt to build up a pension of sorts.

For our family it has been best to have me at home a fair bit just because it suited us. I found, on the occasions when I worked full weeks, my mind was so busy I struggled to relax and give the children the attention I wanted to give them when I came home but maybe that is because I didn't do it enough to be properly used to it

Ledkr · 04/03/2015 22:42

On these threads I often wonder where part time workers sit'
I'm neither a sahp or a wohp.
I like working part time so I can spend more time with the children, but the things I enjoy doing with them need money to do so one wouldnt happen without the other.
I could afford not to work at all but there would be no holidays, meals out, day trips, shopping trips, theatre, weekends away, I couldn't afford the dds hobbies thst they love so much. All things we enjoy as a family and couldn't do on one wage.
I did the same with my older ds's who are all well adjusted and happy young men, two are excellent dads too.
A happy family life is what maters to kids, whatever shape that happens to be for them.

Tingatingatale · 04/03/2015 22:45

I was a SAHM for two years before recently returning to work full time. It was good for my kids to have me home. I did every school run, every sick day, every after school activity. But I was worried about money constantly and depressed. I loved being home with my kids ang wouldn't change it

I am now working and have lovely childcare Set up. If I gave up work again and stayed home they would love it but are happy with the care they have and I am home by five every night. They have a happier mum and me and their dad have a happier marriage.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 22:47

The thing is some ppl have to work, both parents, ft, in order to make neds meet
And others can afford to have one parent working and the other at home and still do lots of lovely fun stuff
And a thousand variables in between.
Someof us make choices
Many of us have little or no choice
Please stop with the divisive threads.
Its not nice