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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 04/03/2015 20:45

Fitzgerald - you are there fir them. You are their mum.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 20:45

fauxlivia
Yes it must be hurtful to be told your education is wasted by being a sahm.

But I dont think that is justification for the smugness of the op's comment that I quoted.

Someone upthrad commented that so much if this sahm v wohm friction is about the practice of making women feel shit, no matter what they do.
Too right.

No need to add to it with a "children need a sahp (therefore being a wohp is inferior) thread.

chillysnowman · 04/03/2015 20:45

It might seem a double standard as my dh does it, but I would worry if my dds wanted to be sahms. I don't want them to lose financial control, do all/most of the shit work, always have to prioritise their dhs job/leisure time, sacrifice their own ambitions for it. I know it doesn't always happen, but a lot of that happens in a lot of cases. It would concern me, but you can't live their lives for them.

duplodon · 04/03/2015 20:46

Sorry that's both of us can only afford to work at same time out of the home like that, I do work but I am at home 7-7 four days, and I think I'm bloody lucky we have managed it but it ain't a barrel of laughs either.

Ubik1 · 04/03/2015 20:47

I have done pretty much all the options over the last 10 years and the kids are fine.

Yup. Me too. That pretty much sums it up.

takeitonthegin · 04/03/2015 20:49

Hooty and Ubik I have no issue either way. As per the first sentence of my post. I'm speaking from my own experiences and have 2 friends in particular who do make comments about how hard it is for them working full time and raising children and that I am lucky. Their lives are totally different to mine. We too had our first mortgage at a time when house prices were high and as a consequence quickly found ourselves in negative equity. The choice of me being at home with the children means that we had to switch to an interest only mortgage, downgrade from 2 cars to 1, work to a strict budget. That was our choice, we had to make changes to the way we did things before the DC came along. I cant speak for every single full time WOHM but I am basing my opinion on the few that I know. As I said in my post though everyone's situation is different. I'm not interested in judging anyone's choices but equally am fed up of having my choices questioned.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 20:49

You can have a value that underpins your choices. But I am certainly not from a priveledged background. I do appreciate that I am fortunate compared to many women but that is not the same as priveledged.
And my "beef" is that the op made a statment in her op that clearly suggest children are better off with a sahp.
That is totally a value judgement and its a bit fuckwitty to think it wouldnt upset the majority of mothers who actually have little choice about working in order to provide a "reasonable" lifestyle for their children.

CunningCat · 04/03/2015 20:53

When did all this SAHM and WOHM bollocks and the distinction between them start? When I was a nipper some mums worked and some didn't, no one gave a shit, end of!!!

Roseformeplease · 04/03/2015 20:53

I bloody love my job.

Love my kids too.

That is all.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 20:53

Rita

Agree completely, its just that we couldn't have done what we have with me working.
Its pretty hard to say to an employer I won't be in on these days because dd is performing in London, or dh is taking us to New york, or the dc have fixtures that mean travelling hours to get there during work hours.
If you have an employer that lets you have a day off when you want, its completely the same.
I'm also not sure who would have been responsible for chaperoning dd, but I'll have a think about that, nanny perhaps. Then i'd have missed out on seeing her perform.

duplodon · 04/03/2015 20:55

You have a career. That is the privilege I mean. I don't mean you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. You say your work buys a reasonable lifestyle for your kids. That's a privilege. Fortunate for me is the same as being privileged, I don't see it as some sort of insult, but as an indicator of having some options that work out for us in life, eg living in a developed world where we have access to work is a privilege.

RitaOrange · 04/03/2015 20:59

Fair enough then morethan
I think that's my point
Its not SAH vs WOH.
There are so many variables.
Lots of WOH parents have flexibility and they collect their DC from school, go to performances, cook home made food etc.
Either DH or I would have done the performances had my DC any talent what so ever but they cant sing or dance to save their lives ! Grin

anothernumberone · 04/03/2015 21:00

I worry about the drive towards a vision of equality where partners share in all tasks is misguided. Within a marriage there is likely to be some disparity in the partners' aptitude and inclination for various things and laws around divorce should take this into account

Anyone who has concerns about a more equal society needs to examine their values IMHO.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 04/03/2015 21:01

Is it a privilege when it is forced upon you

LinesThatICouldntChange · 04/03/2015 21:01

What makes for a happy, functioning family is ALL members - children, mum and dad - all having a balanced life which enables them ALL to flourish and fulfil their potential.
There is no one, 'right' way to achieve that.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 04/03/2015 21:03

Choice is the luxury here

Ubik1 · 04/03/2015 21:05

Choice....hmmm

I worked nightshifts, weekends and evenings and slept while my 3 children were at school.. I missed a lot of time with them. And we were still pretty hard up.

At that time it was very tough to read about SAHMs having lovely time with kids.

It hurts. I think this is why people argue so furiously on these threads. It genuinely hurts and for most of us there is no choice.and the suggestion that your children's childhood is somehow diminished due to your working makes you feel sad and bitter.

I'm fortunate to work full time but on a much better job with more sensible hours.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 21:08

Rita

I don't always explain myself well.
There are so many variables and even though i shout for the sahp corner, its only because I think all choices should be validated.

I don't subscribe to the theory that dc are better with a sahp because I know so many people who that wouldn't work for. It wouldn't make for a happy home and their dc would suffer.
I don't think mine would have suffered with me working at all, but glad we got the opportunity to live life a bit different.

My best friend would go stir crazy at home and atm is climbing the walls waiting to get back after her operation. Grin

Almostnever · 04/03/2015 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/03/2015 21:13

Yy *ubik
absolutely

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 04/03/2015 21:16

What ubik said

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 21:17

SunsetSongster Wed 04-Mar-15 19:43:57
Maybe saying you love what you do is better OP? I love being a SAHM because..... Saying you're proud confers judgement.

Yes - totally right Sunset. I was away from the thread reflecting on how I could have expressed this better and thought maybe I should have started a thread for SAHP about what we love about what we do. But also what we think is important about it. To be open that there is a value in what we do, whilst being sensitive to the fact that not everyone is in a position to do it and that there is value to different choices.

I think I used the word "proud" because it's the opposite of being ashamed or embarrassed. As I said upthread, I think there is a huge pressure to be apologist about being a SAHM (or D). A lot of the responses on here have reinforced that view. It is imo much more socially acceptable to point out the benefits of having working parents than it is to point out the benefits of having a parent at home. I do understand that this may be because WOHM have traditionally felt that they are attacked by society.

Many posters have pointed out the vulnerability of an SAHM, which is increasing. I don't think the solution to that is every woman going out to work. Nor is the solution blaming SAHM for being naive.

In my view, it's not progress to aim for a society where both parents work without thinking about the benefits of having a parent at home. We need to be able to discuss this with more consideration and less emotion.

OP posts:
Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 21:21

Part of respecting the role of the SAHP is also about supporting people who want to be caring for their children and can't.

In my utopia every parent would be given an allowance which could be used for childcare or to support parents to stay at home depending on the parents' wish. I realise that's probably not practical in the real world though.

OP posts:
Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 04/03/2015 21:30

Ubik, a really good thought provoking post.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 04/03/2015 21:35

I work one day per week (teacher), but was a sahm for 6 years when my older kids were little. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that me not working is better for them. Being at home gives them peaceful freedom that they just don't get in childcare. It makes me feel very guilty when I think of the many hours they spent in childcare when I was full time, before my youngest was born. They are happier kids now, and our life is more pleasant. That said, I have always been a homebody, and I realise not everyone is the same.