To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

[yetanotherchangename]

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

Maybe saying you love what you do is better OP? I love being a SAHM because..... Saying you're proud confers judgement. I love working and I love being a parent but I couldn't do either of them fulltime (and most of the time I feel comfortable with this). I do think though I am really lucky to have a job that is 10 minutes drive away if my DS is ill and the kind of work that I can leave if I need to without there being repercussions (or if I can't my DH can). I think it must be ridiculously hard if you have to work and don't have this ability. I don't see how you can work and be a parent and not be able to do this (I know people manage but I don't think you should have to). I also have started thinking about if I could be a SAHP now my DS is about to start school as I worry about him having to go to holiday club and after school clubs.

FWIW though both my parents worked and I used to love having the house to myself once I was old enough to stay at home in the holidays!

What is it morethan that your DC have gained from having you as a SAHM that my DC haven't gained- they had part time WOHP/PT SAHP.
We split it 50/50 and I am so happy my DH had all the lovely times with the DC that I had.
So- what did they gain ?
BTW I adored my time at home- didn't see it as a burden at all ,neither did DH.

By the way, I think the working class/upper class analogy is a bit off. This might be offensive but I think it's more like Christians and Aetheists - I don't believe the same thing as them but I feel they are judging me and maybe pitying me for it .

Everyone's family is different and you do what works for you. I am a SAHM at the moment but have also worked while raising the DC. The only thing that irritates me is the assumption that all SAHM's are relying on benefits, nope in our case, we worked a budget out and stick to it. I also get irritated when SAHM's or WM's play the martyr. I have a few friends who work full time and constantly like to moan about it and remind me how lucky I am to be at home with the children. Not luck, a choice. Our yearly holiday is far less expensive and glamorous as yours, we live in a house half the size of yours and any plans of moving have been put in hold. It was a choice. You could also make that choice and make cutbacks and sacrifices.

Both options are acceptable but own what you decide to do and don't complain about it.

Yep what madwoman said.

Also Sunset is right, just say you love what you do or you're happy. To say proud of completely everyday things is baffling.

takeitonthegin I'm about to return to work full time (currently on mat leave), we haven't had a holiday in years and also work on a budget and stick to it. I don't work so that we live in the lap of luxury, I work so that we can afford to live.

I earn more than DH (who has just been made unemployed anyway, so we're really screwed), so I have a responsibility to earn what I can. We're of a generation who entered the property ladder when house prices were at their peak, so our mortgage is huge, we had student debt to pay, either of us choosing to stay at home simply wasn't an option. I was raised by a WOHM as was DH and we're perfectly normal, intelligent people, so I really don't see the harm.

Am I proud of being a WOHM? No. Am I ashamed? No, but plenty of people in RL have told me I should be. It's just my life, it's the way it is, so I get on with it and do the best I can in work and as a mother. Would I love to spend more time with my DC? Sure, I miss them immensely when I'm at work, but I feed, clothe and house them. That's as much my job as it is DH's.

I see more threads on MN bashing WOHMs, like this one. I see few criticising SAHMs. I don't much like either.

Rita

they have gained a parent who has always been available to meet their needs. BTW i didn't say that a wohp hasn't had the same opportunities as there are a wide range of work situations, I haven't compared them all.
I am free to be anywhere at anytime which has been very beneficial to my dd, we were able to change from school to H.ed when she wanted to.
We aren't time constrained at all. Dh has own business and can also come and go as he pleases and spends a lot of time at home.
They have gained by having both parents chilled out and not having to fit in with our work. We do things in our own time at our own pace, the freedom is great.
They have been able to be involved with whatever they wanted to irrespective of day/time/location. Two are grown up now we only have dd as dependant she wouldn't have had half these opportunities if I had worked or dh hadn't had the flexibility he has.

The only people qualified to judge the choices of parents are their children.

The only thing a child asks for is for themselves and their parents to be happy. If you're managing that, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you're not, take a look at yourself before you start criticising other people.

Or like choice, is happiness supposed to be a luxury that we shouldn't afford ourselves anymore either?

I'm happy, my children are happy, my family are happy. If you don't care about that, I don't care about your opinion on woh mothers v sah mothers.

We are all mothers. A lot of people seem to forget that nowadays.

The only people qualified to judge the choices of parents are their children.

The only thing a child asks for is for themselves and their parents to be happy. If you're managing that, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you're not, take a look at yourself before you start criticising other people.

Or like choice, is happiness supposed to be a luxury that we shouldn't afford ourselves anymore either?

I'm happy, my children are happy, my family are happy. If you don't care about that, I don't care about your opinion on woh mothers v sah mothers.

We are all mothers. A lot of people seem to forget that nowadays.

We all do our best.

I won't say which side of the fence I'm on, but I feel blessed and fortunate about the situation I'm in. Pride doesn't come into it though. We all have to make the decisions that are right for us and our families, based on the resources, priorities and information that we have at the time. And the vast majority of us will have children who turn out happy and healthy, regardless of whether we stayed at home or went out to work.

We all do our best.

I won't say which side of the fence I'm on, but I feel blessed and fortunate about the situation I'm in. Pride doesn't come into it though. We all have to make the decisions that are right for us and our families, based on the resources, priorities and information that we have at the time. And the vast majority of us will have children who turn out happy and healthy, regardless of whether we stayed at home or went out to work.

You're right to be proud, if that works best for you and your family. There are undeniable benefits but it wouldn't be for me. I only have one sahm friend and she loves it so it is great for her kids. Each situation is different.

That's nice OP. I enjoyed working part time when my kids were small and full time once they started school. I wouldn't say it's been better for them though... I think they'd have turned out just as bloody wonderful if I'd been at home 24/7

Can't speak for others but my dc have gained my presence at all class assemblies/school plays and trips that want parent volunteers. I am at home when they are off school due to illness, without having to stress about whose turn it is to stay home from work. I have time to devote to helping them with homework. if they've had a bad day, they don't have to wait for me to come home from work to talk about it.

Now I am not knocking wohp - I have been one and it really is swings and roundabouts. We gain in some ways and lose in others (financially for ex). I'm sure lots of wohp do what I do and work but my sah gives all of us a less busy and stressful life.

I am the child of 2 working parents and I honestly don't believe that sah or woh has any influence on work ethic. Children just need to know that someone has to bring home money and someone has to take care of the kids/home and as long as those needs are being met it doesn't matter who does what.

Now I'll be the first to say that woh brings some benefits, but like I said, it's swings and roundabouts. Ehat I won't tolerate is people saying my dc eill hsve no work ethic or that my sah brings nothing positive to their lives.

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/ SAHM at the moment which are frankly beyong boring
Indeed.

Do you know what? The tone of someof the posts on this thread puts me in mind of when middle class white men complain that there's no special club for them. That all the special services/ groups or unions are for black people or poor people or gay women.

I dont doubt that for many people having a sahp is a benefit.
Im a bit fucked off tbh to have to suck up the smugness from ppl who get to do that.

Posted too soon.
I have a career. I am lucky in that, and that I can work pt.
So, in my mind, for me, i get the best of both worlds.
But without my money our life would be more frugal.
Penty of women have more glamorous jobs than i do.
Most women work hard for less money.
Your op was smug. Frankly.

So your DC have gained exactly what mine had - except the parent who was at home, had flexibility and freedom to do what they liked, changed, as DH and I shared WOH/SAH between us,
We were free in whatever we chose ,as the other was always there backing the other up.

You don't work. How can someone be proud of not doing something?

What an utterly twattish comment.

Thing is Amanda is that it's hurtful to be told your education is wasted if you sah, or that your dc will have no work ethic or that you've sah because you cba to work and that you are setting a bad example. Sah are accused of being smug if we dare to point out that there are some upsides to what we do.

I also know that insults to woh are also hurtful and I think we are all very aware of criticism of our own choices and maybe skim over the criticism of other people's choices, which is how we end up with each 'side' feeling more got at.

I do definitely believe the government is deliberately slating sahp because they think we should all be out generating tax income and overlook the view that sometimes a hrt payer with asah partner will pay more tax than if they both worked in lower paid jobs and claimed tc.

I don't work so that we live in the lap of luxury, I work so that we can afford to live.

Yes. I'm tired of the idea that two
Incomes = foreign holidays and designer shoes.

I work because my children need food and housing that their fathers maintenance contributions do not cover.

I work because I am not entitled to state benefits.

I work because I am intellectually able and suitable qualified to earn enough to pay for childcare.

I work because I don't want to wake up in ten years when the DC are teenagers and think "well now what"

I work because I need the security of not relying on a male partner/not having a security net.

I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO FUCKING WORK I WISH I COULD WATCH MY CHILDREN GROW RATHER THAN OUTSOURCE THE LOT OF IT I WISH I WAS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY OR A RICH AND GENEROUS SPOUSE I WISH HE SAHM MUMS WHO LIVE NEAR ME DIDNT SAY BITCHY THINGS LIKE WHATS THE POINT IF YOU NEVER SEE YOU CHILDREN" COME TO THINK IT I WISH I COULD WIN THE LOTTERY AND FUCK ABOUT ALL DAY PLEASING MYSELF BUT IT ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND MOST OF ALL I HATE SMUG UNSUFFERABLE TWATS MAKING OUT THEY ARE SUPERIOR TO ME AND 'LOVE THEIR KIDS ENOUGH TO STAY AT HOME' ALL BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE.

I swear it's like you think the money to survive pisses down from heaven like some divine golden shower.

Congrats on your pride at being able to afford to stay home. Well done on your circumstances. No really well done you. I feel a whole lot better about not being there for my children now. Ffs.

Come on Amanda, you sound fairly privileged yourself, what's your beef? I am living in a country with not even a fraction of the childcare options of the UK where really both of us working is only an option if we're willing to have kids under five in childcare that's unregulated with crap ratios 7:1 7-7.30 five days a week. We're not willing to make that sacrifice to their long term wellbeing (and care of this type isn't good for anyone, research is clear on that) so we've had to be VERY creative about managing to work out both of us having an income so we can survive, we hardly see each other, we've had to go from being home owners to renting had to give up lots that mattered in order to keep what matters more at thus point, there have been loads and loads of sacrifices for both of us... Sometimes I think people in the UK have no clue of how good they have it, childcare is a million times better than in some other countries.. Unbelievably so...

And still, we are VERY lucky and VERY privileged... But come off it, smug? What's smug about having a sense of value that underpins your own choices? Childcare that's good is an amazing thing to have as a resource, it would be my preferred option, but it isn't always an available option...

Ultimately I think we're probably all categorising vastly different and individual experiences as being the same because they are called SAHM or WOHM when there are multitudes subsumed under these labels.

Wow I didnt know I was so angry!

Meh, I have done pretty much all the options over the last 10 years and the kids are fine.

I don't 'need' to work, but I love it and I am as important in my family as anyone else.

Your OP seems a little desperate for it too be true. There is no one truth.

Pretty much all the parents I know are doing the best they can in their particular circumstances. On the whole it appears to work.

Why sweat other people's set ups?