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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 19:07

OP, I agree about your point on tasks being split equally. It seems like many want to spout about shared childcare, housework etc and then on the next thread be talking about how their dh can't do DIY or can, decorate, sort out cars etc.
I know so many women like this.
If we want shared jobs we should be prepared to put them all into the equation.

There is so much shit spouted in the name of equality

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 04/03/2015 19:07

Jesus. Some of you are very, very chippy.

My mother was a SAHM, but since we all grew up to be lawyer, doctors and professors, it's safe to safe we 'escaped' with our work ethic intact Hmm

I'm a SAHM for now, but also write and home educate. It's great, suits us, kids very happy.

In real life, it's barely ever mentioned in my group of working/non working parents/non parents. We all have different lives, we like each other and respect each others choices.

Just like on this truly enlightening, friendly fucking thread Hmm

pineappleshortbread · 04/03/2015 19:08

Being a sahp was not a choice in my house as we could not afford childcare. We wpuld spend more on childcare then i could earn to cover it plus the decrease im benefits. If i could live off two salaries or one without benefits i woul.

In our house mental health meant my dh became the sahp and i am working and will eventually be studying to improve my career and hopefully get off benefite.
It is not an easy option or choice for some

FromSeaToShining · 04/03/2015 19:08

I could never hope to earn a fraction of what my DH does

Why is that?

BeyondRepair · 04/03/2015 19:09

In terms of childcare often being substandard this is just one report. My own experience is of putting my children into a daycare environment that was the best available in the area, but finding it really lacking and it being a destructive experience for our family and others.

This is another big problem. I have friends who without thought have put dc into nursery that are known to have awful reps. The only reason is, they have no understanding of care. How it works, cost cutting, staff, what can happen. Rather like, getting into a new car, has gears, clutch, wind screen wipers, smells new, it goes when I turn the key. Never give it a thought.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 19:10

I'm listening to the people on the thread who say I should be proud of what I do, not what I am. I'm proud that today I taught my little girl how to use an allen key and screwdriver whilst building furniture.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 04/03/2015 19:12

safe to say

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 19:14

FromSeaToShining - "I could never hope to earn a fraction of what my DH does. Why is that?"

I'm not clear why that's relevant to you but I have no problem answering. He's in a high earning field with a specific expertise. My career was in a reasonably well renumerated field and my expertise was fairly niche but not rocket science so my maximum earning potential was much smaller than his.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 19:16

yetanother

I'm very pleased to hear this. Grin
My dd is no stranger to DIY. Her brothers were/are very good at washing and ironing too.

madwomanbackintheattic · 04/03/2015 19:17

Fromsea - because the op can't recognise that this 'fact' is societally based on the male being the breadwinner and the female the carer.

Notionally, it could also be because she was guided into making gendered option choices at school which negated her being in a higher earnings bracket - or that she subconsciously sought a partner who was going to be able to earn enough to keep her so she didn't have to work.

Or she just might not fancy work much and have a vocation in child-raising and nurturing that has not been artificially produced by the society she was raised in...

But it does make me laugh that she hadn't thought though that fact at all... Just tossed it out there as an explanation, with no real look at what had let to that 'fact'...

dreamingbohemian · 04/03/2015 19:22

I'm sorry I just don't get this at all

I would be proud of my son for learning how to use a screwdriver, but why would I be proud of myself for showing him?

Sort of going back to what Daisy said, it should be about the kids, not about me. It sounds so narcissistic to locate the pride in the fact that I showed him something.

Viviennemary · 04/03/2015 19:22

I totally disagree. It's a much better role model for children to see a mother working and contributing financially to the household. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. And that's mine.

JanineStHubbins · 04/03/2015 19:23

Yeah the screwdriver post made me a bit.

SunsetSongster · 04/03/2015 19:23

When my DS was small I felt bad for working 4 days a week. I then thought about the numbers. He was up at 6am and in bed at 7pm and did 9 hours each day at nursery. He also had a 2 hour nap. So, he was awake 11 x 7 hours = 77 hours and of those he was awake 7 x 4 hours = 28 hours at nursery. Even working 4 days he spent much more time with me or DH than at nursery and that's not looking at holiday and sick days. Obviously I was justifying it to myself but I find it's getting harder as he gets older.

I think it's fine to be proud of what you do but I think the reason that it's heard less often if because there's more of an assumption that what you are doing is best and start we are doing is wrong.

I personally think kids will be ok as long as parents are loving etc. and there probably isn't going to be a huge difference no matter what you choose. The bigger difference will be to the parent and how they feel - whether it's happy with their choices or regretful/resentful.

FromSeaToShining · 04/03/2015 19:24

I think you are spot on, madwoman.

minipie · 04/03/2015 19:25

this notion that the 'house' jobs and the 'breadwinning' should be split equally down the middle in an ideal world

I don't think I've ever seen anyone on MN argue for this. What people argue for is a splitting of the overall task burden 50/50. If one person wants to do all home related stuff and one all work related stuff that's fine as long as that means equal task time and equal downtime for both.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 19:26

Vivienne

Why? is a working mum a better role model than a sahm.
In my families circumstance not speaking for others it would have been seen as very selfish tbh.
Also, they have gained so much from me doing what makes me happy rather than fitting in with what some of society expects.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 19:28

Mini pie - people have argued this on this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 19:34

Yes - why is a working mm a better role model than a sahm?

sunsetsongster "I think it's fine to be proud of what you do but I think the reason that it's heard less often if because there's more of an assumption that what you are doing is best and start we are doing is wrong."

I think you have the nub of it. It's a bit like it's socially acceptable to slag someone off for being upper class but not for being working class. The thing is though, I think the tide has turned against SAHP, to the point that we need to speak up a bit more about the value of what we do. Bloody scary to do so however, as I think this thread bears out.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 19:34

minipie

Do you not see that those arguing for this 50/50 split are referring to their children and domestic tasks as a burden.
They see spending time with their children as childcare, the same as a childcare worker would provide.
It may only be words to some but it doesn't sound right.

madwomanbackintheattic · 04/03/2015 19:37

The entire notion of having pride in doing something utterly ordinary is completely bonkers to me - whether that is working, or staying at home. Why would you be 'proud' of that? I would possibly go further and suggest it is even slightly bonkers to be proud about going against the grain in an attempt to do something out of the ordinary - but at least you can feel like you are pushing some boundaries to do it.

It's not like I believe pride to be a deadly sin, just a bit baffling in this context. Sure, you can be content in your decisions, you can be happy that you and your partner have worked out your family roles. You can be content you are paying your mortgage. But proud?

I'll stick with mildly frustrated. Pride is bizarre in this context, unless you have had to deal with some unexpected shit along the way, by which I don't count 'woman stays at home because man is higher earner and they don't like using childcare'. Hmm

Pride in that situation makes me think you really don't have enough going on in your life. Contentment with the status quo (thinking or unthinking contentment) is understandable. Pride makes me think you are just trying to start a bunfight. Yawn.

Mixtape · 04/03/2015 19:37

I don't really have an opinion on what other people do and think whatever works for you and your family is best.

BUT. I do think being a SAHP is different now than it used to be, for so many reasons. I have seen many threads that in some way show this - women who are trying to return to work and struggling because of lack of confidence / current experience, women who would be worse off if they left their unhappy relationship, women who are criticised because they don't want to go back to work when DC's are in school and their DH/P wants them to. I think that some of the attitude the OP refers to - that it is ok to criticise SAHM but not the other way around - comes from this undertone that being a SAHM can potentially make a woman vulnerable.

chillysnowman · 04/03/2015 19:41

Dh has a very part time job meaning we have a parent at home. Do I want to stay at home? God no. I have plans and dreams, and I am not giving them up to cook and clean. Fine if you like that, but I have always had big ambitions.

adventuretime11 · 04/03/2015 19:42

I don't get that either morethan and yet My dc know I worked for 18 years pre dc. I am currenly virtually a sahm but will return to work when they are older.

Mrsstarlord · 04/03/2015 19:42

What madwoman said.