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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to limit the amount of money I give to dp or am I being controlling?

116 replies

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:20

Dp is out of work and has been for some time. I work full time in what would be considered a well paid job. I have 2 dcs (teenagers) who live with me, he has dcs who live with their mother.

Dp does help out at home - so he does ferry the kids around if they need it but it isn't that much, he helped out when we had the builders in etc. but the builders have gone now. His ex-w, knowing that Dp isn't working has been taking advantage and getting him to collect their dcs (also teenagers) and getting him to sort out their house for sale and do viewings (theoretically he should benefit from the sale but I have my doubts knowing the history).

Essentially he has managed to make himself v busy and then wants money from me. When he was dealing with the builders, I felt he was doing a job I would have had to pay someone else to do but since then, he is doing mildly useful things but isn't working!

Dp likes going to the pub, he likes meeting his friends for breakfast in the cafe (he has a few friends retired and on long term sick) and he gambles. If it's his own money then fine but I don't see why my money should be spent being pissed up the wall by him. He basically wants what I think is a large amount of money, more than I spend on me and the kids together and I have said no. He thinks I am being controlling.

I said no again yesterday and he spent all day unpacking and putting together furniture to show he was being useful. I am sure he is going to ask again this morning!

He has a job in April - it is low paid and only for a short time and i won't see any of it for the food/bills as he will spend it all. He didn't look for this job - a friend of ours has asked him to do it.

I tried to agree an amount that he could have each week and he was hugely insulted and said I was controlling as he felt it was too little considering my disposable income!

AIBU or is he taking the piss?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 04/03/2015 11:42

You are obviously not happy with the situation so it needs to change. I wouldn't be prepared to support an adult who didn't work financially except in the very short term. He needs to contribute financially to the household or else go.

cozietoesie · 04/03/2015 11:44

There's an old phrase that comes to mind. 'What's yours is mine and what's mine's me own'. Bear that in mind, OP, when he gets his first pay and goes out to splurge it on himself.

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2015 12:11

It would be interesting to know the full story with the girlfriend prior to you and whether they broke up because she had enough of supporting him.
Possibly these a pattern.
The job in April though, you said its low paid and offered by a friend so he hasn't made an effort there has he, it probably just a way to get you off his back and ease his conscience

DecaffTastesWeird · 04/03/2015 12:16

I wouldn't give him one penny more. I could never live off someone like that and couldn't respect a partner who did. It's deeply unattractive if nothing else.

DecaffTastesWeird · 04/03/2015 12:17

If it was v short term I could understand but it sounds like this is your dp's chosen lifestyle. Gross.

BringMeTea · 04/03/2015 12:24

Sounds like a feckless charmer. He is not suddenly going to be galvanized and find regular work. OP I think you know this. Time to part ways. Find someone who you have an equal relationship with or be alone. But do not spend any more years with this man.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2015 12:29

Forgive me if someone's already said this, but in your position I'd be very careful about this supposed "future payout" ... can you be absolutely confident that every detail he's told you about this is true?

It's just that I knew someone who did exactly this to a string of women, living high on their money while promising "we'll be rich when so-and-so is sold" Trouble was, there was no equity in the "assets" as he'd borrowed against them time and time again - something which each woman found out only when he'd bled them of a fortune

homebythesea · 04/03/2015 12:34

If he truly wanted to expedite the sake of the former marital home he could have gone to court for an Order for Dale a long while ago. But that doesn't suit him does it? And at an ex-wife indicating to a mans current partner that she wants him back!!

homebythesea · 04/03/2015 12:35

Dale = Sale

sqibble · 04/03/2015 12:49

I think normally people run as a team - so share jobs round the house and with dc, if they need to be working do everything in their power to get work. When it's like that it's fairly easy to justify sharing funds - pay off the bills, put savings away, share what's left for spending.

But it's just so out of sync with you. He's not doing as much as he should round the house, he's spending on the pub and gambling and he's possibly not trying terribly hard to find work.

When I was at home with babies, I wouldn't dream of spending money in that way. A coffee perhaps but I would rarely buy lunch out and it wouldn't cross my mind to go down the pub. So I can't envisage him as a SAHD. He's acting like he's retired.

As such I don't think you should share your money with him. I know someone with a dp who didn't work for around 12 years because they didn't want to take a job that was at a lower level than their previous one. To me that is a choice he made, not an unfortunate circumstance. The trouble is without money my friend's dp started being a bit dodgy with family and friends - he'd offer to run errands for them and say things cost more than they did and pocket the money. He'd borrow money from people he was unable to pay back. It caused a few issues for my friend.

I think long-term you're probably better moving on myself. He's not planning ahead with you or working as a team. My worry would be what is he going to do if he doesn't get enough money to fund his semi retired lifestyle.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 14:07

Jesus wept! I can tell you what his financial situation was with his ex partner: she got fed up of bankrolling meals out, drinks at the pub and gambling for this workshy loser and chucked him.

He lost a job right after hooking up with you, how convenient.

Don't give this man another penny. Nothing. FA.

Send him back to his ex, not like he doesn't have a place to go.

Dump now.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 14:11

'I probably could be harder on him first to give him one more chance, I just need to decide if I do that or whether I call it quits now. I doubt I have helped the situation as I'm busy, really busy and tend not to pay as much attention to what he's up to as I should.'

Why bother? It's another month (or more, depending on when he gets paid from this job) he'll be nagging you for more money to go and piss up a wall.

This is who he is: a person in his 50s who has lived off others for his entire life.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/03/2015 16:36

Seriously he wants pocket money to gamble/drink away DH and I get £20 a month deposited into our own accounts for our own hobbies. What we do with it is up to us. It's a token amount (budget is tight) but some months I don't spend it.

I'm a SAHM (for the last 4 mo) with a school age child and a baby on the way. I clean, cook, do grocery shopping, sort DD out, help with her homework, make (blasted) World Book Day costumes. Generally keep on top of the house, arrange for tradesmen to come as needed. I don't get paid for this, I do it as part of my equal work at home (just like DH works out of the home). I'm very lucky to be at home, I like the days to myself and like the lack of stress. Your DP is taking the piss.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/03/2015 16:57

Oh OP, the job in April is not a 'real' job - it's cash-in-hand from a friend whom he is helping with something specific - "it is low paid and only for a short time". And what difference will it make anyway- even now you are able to say with some certainty that you "won't see any of it for the food/bills as he will spend it all."

This absolutely does NOT merit a second chance.

"He basically wants what I think is a large amount of money, more than I spend on me and the kids together and I have said no. He thinks I am being controlling." Read that again OP. "more than I spend on me and the kids together" .

This man is not a partner. He is an exotic, and very expensive, PET. He has no work ethic, and however lovely he may be in however many ways, he will NEVER contribute financially to whatever household he lives within. And whatever you do give him will never be enough . He has lived his life with 'expectations' - of inheritance, of family money, of a business he didn't start and did the minimum within. To use an overused, but in this case appropriate word - he is ENTITLED. And he's not going to change.

You know what is needed, we all here pretty much agree with that. He needs to go, and the sooner the better. Whatever he says, do not feel guilty - remember, he feels no guilt at expecting you to provide his preferred lifestyle. Plus, he has somewhere to go. I'd even suggest it to him - "your ex's house has the space, ask if she can put you up while you sort yourself out".

Romeyroo · 04/03/2015 17:43

Oh, OP, it sounds like he needs to go. Nothing you have written makes me think any differently. I am a single parent, I work, I know how hard it is, but really, you don't deserve to have the money you earn pissed up the wall. It is hard earned.

ExW wants him back; he owns half the house, I agree with the poster who said he has somewhere to go.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/03/2015 17:48

If the EX wife wants him back let her have him.

He doesn't sound like a partner he sounds like you have gain another teenager.

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