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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to limit the amount of money I give to dp or am I being controlling?

116 replies

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:20

Dp is out of work and has been for some time. I work full time in what would be considered a well paid job. I have 2 dcs (teenagers) who live with me, he has dcs who live with their mother.

Dp does help out at home - so he does ferry the kids around if they need it but it isn't that much, he helped out when we had the builders in etc. but the builders have gone now. His ex-w, knowing that Dp isn't working has been taking advantage and getting him to collect their dcs (also teenagers) and getting him to sort out their house for sale and do viewings (theoretically he should benefit from the sale but I have my doubts knowing the history).

Essentially he has managed to make himself v busy and then wants money from me. When he was dealing with the builders, I felt he was doing a job I would have had to pay someone else to do but since then, he is doing mildly useful things but isn't working!

Dp likes going to the pub, he likes meeting his friends for breakfast in the cafe (he has a few friends retired and on long term sick) and he gambles. If it's his own money then fine but I don't see why my money should be spent being pissed up the wall by him. He basically wants what I think is a large amount of money, more than I spend on me and the kids together and I have said no. He thinks I am being controlling.

I said no again yesterday and he spent all day unpacking and putting together furniture to show he was being useful. I am sure he is going to ask again this morning!

He has a job in April - it is low paid and only for a short time and i won't see any of it for the food/bills as he will spend it all. He didn't look for this job - a friend of ours has asked him to do it.

I tried to agree an amount that he could have each week and he was hugely insulted and said I was controlling as he felt it was too little considering my disposable income!

AIBU or is he taking the piss?

OP posts:
SuggestmeaUsername · 04/03/2015 08:37

JSA is for 6 months and then its income based benefits after that

IvyWall · 04/03/2015 08:39

I'd bin him.

I have been there. Took me a few months to see the light, binned him and never looked back

pressone · 04/03/2015 08:39

SAHP does parenting
C/lodger does nowt

cozietoesie · 04/03/2015 08:40

It's not been a long term relationship amd I doubt it will last a whole lot longer in any case because I suspect that the whole relationship has problems and not just the financial aspect.

Keep the majority of your funds to yourself.

MidniteScribbler · 04/03/2015 08:40

What exactly do you see in this guy? He must be damned good in bed, because I don't see any other redeeming features.

IreneA78 · 04/03/2015 08:46

A woman is a SAHM, a man is a cocklodger.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 04/03/2015 08:50

Likewise I don't see what use he is. Did he bring money into the relationship from his previous role in his wife's family business? How old is he? If he has no money by middle-age (which I am assuming you both are, being that you have teens) then this would send up red flags to me.

A SAHM takes care of children and the house. I don't see evidence of this here?

cozietoesie · 04/03/2015 08:56

Oh No Midnite Scribbler. This is a situation where the sex will likely tail off shortly - if it hasn't done so already. The OP is taking the strain while feeling sorry for her current partner. That won't work long term.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/03/2015 09:01

I don't understand why you think you should be funding him. You've only been with him for less than 2 years, I wouldn't call that a long term relationship yet. He's living rent free in your house, and expects money for the pub and gambling. Is he having a laugh?

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/03/2015 09:08

I'm sorry sun he's a gambling cock lodger dangling a mythical pay out in front of You and your enabling him.
Your a bright professional woman being taken advantage of, your teens can get around if they need to, otherwise it would be cheaper to get a part time housekeeper or au pair.

I imagine his ex w despises him like you are starting to right now, in another breath though you are defending him.
He's expensive dead wood hanging around like a bad smell, cut him lose he's not ever going to be what he says he will be.

If he ever gets anything from his ex it will be gambled or sounded up the wall in a pub or another useless business. He sounds like he's been looked after like a baby all his life and has no useful life skills.

Iwasinamandbunit · 04/03/2015 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoOddSocks · 04/03/2015 09:13

I started off thinking YWBU but changed my mind. Doesn't sound like you have enough work that needs doing to justify a stay at home spouse so he can look for work. Before he finds work he should have some disposable income but no way should he get more than you and the kids so that he can sit in the pub gambling - outrageous! He sounds more like a teenage kid than a husband! Can't you transfer him a set amount of money a month then never give him more ever.

OnlyLovers · 04/03/2015 09:16

'Dp does help out at home'
'he will ferry the kids around if I ask. He doesn't cook'.

I can't get past these, to be honest. It's not 'helping out'; it's doing your bit in the house that you all live in.

He doesn't deign to cook and you have to ask him to give the household's children lifts? Is he one of those poor dear afflicted men who 'just can't see' tasks that need doing, rooms that need hoovering, etc? I do feel for them. It must be terrible to be so perpetually bewildered by simple everyday tasks.

But on the other hand, he CAN get his act together to go to the pub and to gamble.

Bin Him.

paddlenorapaddle · 04/03/2015 09:18

cocklodger, run for the hills

You shouldn't have to pay for his lifestyle and especially when he's not working sure £40 each a week for spends but other then that

it would appear that you've shacked up with a man who hasn't grown up if he throws a strop because you wont be an ATM

And as for "the look mummy i'm helping" codswallop that would turn me off

VodkaJelly · 04/03/2015 09:21

A word of warning for you OP. I had a friend who was divorced, got a house (mortgage free) and nearly £100,000 cash in her account (exh was wealthy through building up his business but cheated on my friend).

She met her current partner and in 2 years of being with him had spent all her money and had a mortgage on her house.

He was in the middle of a divorce when he met my friend, he lived rent free at her house, never gave her a penny for about 3 years, he and his ex wife were selling the family home and he would be paying my friend back, but when the house was sold the exwife had run up huge loans on the house so when they were paid back first there was no equity in the house. Friend never got a penny.

She mortgaged her house to buy him cars, vans, holidays, they went into a deginer store and she spent £3000 on 2 pairs of designer sunglasses for him.

She is still with him now, has been for about 5 years, i have lost count of the amount of times she has split up and got back together with him.

She is currently living with him in his house, and despite living in her house for 3 years and never paying a penny my friend has to pay him rent and half of the bills, she was left with about £100 a month to live on.

I think he is after her house, he will talk her into selling it and paying off his mortgage (only him on it) and then will kick my friend out.

Get rid of him OP, if he does get this windfall you will never see a penny of it.

LilyTheSlink · 04/03/2015 09:22

What OnlyLovers said.

Can you list all the things you do around the house/with your kids, as well as financially supporting all of you?

adventuretime11 · 04/03/2015 09:25

No irene a man can be a sahp if he willingly fulfils the requirements of that role. Ops dp does not appear to.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 09:28

He's not a stay at home parents for fuck sake, they aren't his kids and he doesn't parent them. He's a cock lodger who expects the world to hand him a living and the op is just the latest in a line which includes his family, his ex wife's family and the housing bubble.
He doesn't keep the house or raise the kids, he's not contributing but he expects more spending money from someone else's earnings

MissDuke · 04/03/2015 09:37

Why are some posters comparing this to SAHMS's? I don't recall ever seeing a thread where a SAHM lived with a boyfriend and his teens, and was demanding money from him to fund drinking and gambling? I really cannot imagine responses to such a thread being any different to this one either? It is irrelevant that he is a SAHD rather than SAHM, the point is he ibu!

Op, I really think you need to spend time reflecting on this relationship and whether you can see yourself with him for the rest of your days. Is the relationship worth fighting for? If so, then a conversation needs to happen where you meet in the middle somehow with a compromise. If he cannot compromise, then you need to rethink where the relationship is going.

LakeAmber · 04/03/2015 09:44

OK if you are in a partnership where one isn't working, I think it's OK if you are in agreement that the non-working one contributes in other ways and you split the income. So once everything is paid for (bills, food etc) you split the "spare" cash - if there is any - so that each person has their own spending money.

But that is when one person is being a SAHP, looking after kids, or doing everything to maintain the home as their contribution. If I was the SAH person in this equation I would see it as my job to spend all the time the other person was at work, doing useful stuff - all the cleaning/housework/shopping/cooking/childcare/household admin. Then we would both have some spare time, as the domestic work would be done, and in that scenario it's reasonable that the money would be split so that both have some spending money.

If the out-of-work person isn't fulfilling that role but just pleasing themselves, then it's not going to work and no wonder you feel annoyed when he demands money. Also no way should he get MORE disposable income than you, whatever his contribution! That's just nuts.

But, on top of all this, he's a gambler. In a way that plays into your hands because it gives you every reason to get rid. No way, never, should you let a gambler be involved with your financial affairs and I think you need to make sure everything is separate and insist he lives separately from you. Then your problems are over (assuming it's your own house). You can have a relationship with him if you like, or a FWB setup, but he isn't part of your household. When you see it like that, you wouldn't be handing your cash over to that person, would you? But this is the role he plays in your life - just with his feet under your table.

HappyRacer · 04/03/2015 09:45

He's taking the piss big time and would be out on his arse if I were you but this struck me as uncomfortable reading too -

"His ex-w, knowing that Dp isn't working has been taking advantage and getting him to collect their dcs (also teenagers) and getting him to sort out their house for sale and do viewings (theoretically he should benefit from the sale but I have my doubts knowing the history)."

His ex wife is in no way "taking advantage" by getting him to collect their DC's. The clue is in the word "their". The children are his too so why should he not make an effort to do things for him when he isn't working and his ex, as primary carer, does the bulk of the work? You said you were a single parent prior to meeting him. You must know what it's like. What's taking advantage about expecting the other parent to make an effort for his children or to make some input into the sale of a house he jointly owns and will benefit from when it's eventually sold?

dashoflime · 04/03/2015 09:47

OMG- He has such a brilliant life! Rent free in your house, food and utilities paid for. Stacks of free time to do what he wants in.
He definately doesn't need pocket money on top of that!
If he got himself a job, even quite a low paid job, but only had to spend the money on beer, fryups and gambling- he would still have a brilliant lifestyle.
If I was very well off and he had a golden cock really enjoyed having him around I might consider an arrangement like that, where I more or less kept him and he spent his money on discretionary spends.
But actually paying for his fun? No, no, no.
Cheeky fucker!

LakeAmber · 04/03/2015 09:47

Totally agree happy, that struck me too. So a father who isn't busy working is asked to support his own DC and take some responsibility for selling his own house? Erm, boo hoo. OP if you think that equals being taken advantage of, no wonder you are so easily taken for a ride by this chancer.

miniavenger · 04/03/2015 09:49

I agree with dashoflime, added to that you're funding pub trips and gambling

dashoflime · 04/03/2015 09:52

He actually sounds like he's retired, OP.
My grandad had a similar lifestyle. Up in the morning to potter about his allotment, spot of fishing, afternoon in the labour club, home via the bookies. Lovely home cooked tea waiting for him on the table.
It looked great. Mind you- he was in his 70's so he had some excuse!