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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to limit the amount of money I give to dp or am I being controlling?

116 replies

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:20

Dp is out of work and has been for some time. I work full time in what would be considered a well paid job. I have 2 dcs (teenagers) who live with me, he has dcs who live with their mother.

Dp does help out at home - so he does ferry the kids around if they need it but it isn't that much, he helped out when we had the builders in etc. but the builders have gone now. His ex-w, knowing that Dp isn't working has been taking advantage and getting him to collect their dcs (also teenagers) and getting him to sort out their house for sale and do viewings (theoretically he should benefit from the sale but I have my doubts knowing the history).

Essentially he has managed to make himself v busy and then wants money from me. When he was dealing with the builders, I felt he was doing a job I would have had to pay someone else to do but since then, he is doing mildly useful things but isn't working!

Dp likes going to the pub, he likes meeting his friends for breakfast in the cafe (he has a few friends retired and on long term sick) and he gambles. If it's his own money then fine but I don't see why my money should be spent being pissed up the wall by him. He basically wants what I think is a large amount of money, more than I spend on me and the kids together and I have said no. He thinks I am being controlling.

I said no again yesterday and he spent all day unpacking and putting together furniture to show he was being useful. I am sure he is going to ask again this morning!

He has a job in April - it is low paid and only for a short time and i won't see any of it for the food/bills as he will spend it all. He didn't look for this job - a friend of ours has asked him to do it.

I tried to agree an amount that he could have each week and he was hugely insulted and said I was controlling as he felt it was too little considering my disposable income!

AIBU or is he taking the piss?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 09:58

What a pisstaking loser! Why are you giving him money? He claims JSA or gets a job. Kick him out. He's a cocklodger. PMSL, he wants to go out for breakfast, go to the pub and gamble he does it on his own coin.

Go do the Freedom Programme to determine why your self esteem is so low you go out with total rejects like this.

WaxOnWaxOff · 04/03/2015 10:01

this man has never really worked for a living and never will.

he's been lucky up to now, wealthy parents, wealthy in-laws and now he's struck lucky with you, housed, fed, bit of spending money, spending his days in the cafe, pub and bookies, not a bad life at all.

he's workshy, always has been, always will be. that, for me, is a MAJOR turn off.

marriednotdead · 04/03/2015 10:09

I'd be interested to know how much each of you thinks is a reasonable amount for him to ponce off of you.
I speak from the perspective of someone married although not for much longer to a man who gambled and at one point was on a fairly small weekly 'allowance' of his own substantial wages so that everything else could be paid. On the odd occasion over the years when he has been out of work, any money he had was gratefully received, and most certainly not expected or taken for granted.

And gambling is like alcohol, if you're addicted then it will come before and destroy relationships, trust and respect.

Run. Run some more. Keep going.

cozietoesie · 04/03/2015 10:10

expat

In my experience, it's actually surprisingly difficult to exit a relationship with someone you deep down feel sorry for - obligation and pity are very powerful forces and the person concerned usually (and instinctively) plays their cards so well: the 'sad looks', the 'drooping-shouldered walk', the 'attempts to be useful', the ..............

The OP needs to at least think about it very hard though and while she still has some resilience left - because he'll suck that out of her over time. If I were her, and if she really needs someone at home to look after the household and has the funds for it, I'd be mentally comparing him to having a paid housekeeper.

Start looking at an exit, OP. It's not going to work out.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/03/2015 10:12

This man expects others to provide for him as it's what he has been used to. Unless you are willing to do that, OP, you should kick him out.

If you really love him, ask him to leave while he sorts himself out with a job, independence and self-respect so you can have a relationship of equals. Tell him he can move back in once that's the case. Then watch what he does or doesn't do.

If he loves you he will pull his finger out. If you're just his latest meal ticket he will whine, turn on the guilt, then rage at you, then move in wi some other mug woman who is willing to fund his indolent, entitled sponging.

LilyTheSlink · 04/03/2015 10:28

How close is your DP to actual retirement, OP?

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 04/03/2015 10:56

YANBU and you can do so much better than this man.

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2015 10:57

Sounds like he has never actually worked and doesn't intend to - which would be ok IF he had the money from this house and could fund himself.
If he ever does start a business he will probably just fanny around until all his money is gone and then where will you both be?
There is no reason for him not to work, ok he might get a payout from the house sale but why can't he get a job while he's waiting for that.
He probably doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong, he has been supported by wealthy parents, in laws etc all his life and now it's your turn.
You need to make some changes - if you decide to continue supporting him ( I wouldn't) then it's more than reasonable for you to make this a set sum and no more.

dejarderoncar · 04/03/2015 11:00

so his previous business was handed to him ready made, and instead of growing it into something that he could take credit for himself, and provide for his family into the future, he went part time so he could enjoy himself.

If he now seriously wants to start a business with his share of the house sale, what is he doing to plan that business, source products, sound out the market, make contacts etc. A business does not happen overnight.

Oldraver · 04/03/2015 11:03

I cant get over how he is wanting you to fund his jollies and spending all the time with his ex....is he asking her for any handouts ?

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 11:06

Hi sorry been busy at work.

Happy, I should have clarified about him helping the ex-w. I have no problem at all him helping collecting his dcs etc etc. I would never ever have an issue with a father helping their dcs. I have a problem in him helping 'sell' the house as the house never gets sold! He runs around tidying it up, takes the viewers round, they get offers and eventually it falls through because ex-w decides she wants a bit longer which is fine but then decide when you want to sell. This is a continual pattern and from what I can see went on long before I was involved.

I think he has lost a bit of face as he's tried to get jobs and hasn't been able to.

I am on the verge of ending the relationship - I was just interested in hearing what people thought. He has had an easy ride his whole life, the person who said that is right. And suddenly as he is in his 50s, he has to sort him own life out and he's struggling.

Incidentally the ex-w had a meeting with me (about something to do with one of her dcs) and she is desperate to have him back (!). She asked how things were going as I'm guessing she thinks about now I'm going to get fed up of him and with a huge inheritance about to come her way, I think she's going to try and lure him back with the money (I nearly told her she was welcome to him but kept quiet for now).

He is a nice man. I know he's a bit useless. But he's kind and does help out at home. I just don't want to go out with someone who needs to change and someone who isn't contributing because it will never work so I am on the verge of ending it. I am not running a hotel for hopeless men!

Someone said about not knowing his financial situation when we met - I find it's incredibly difficult and I speak as someone who works in that industry! He did agree to let me run a sort of experian type check on him to make sure I wasn't going to have debtors knocking on my door when he came to live with me and it painted a hugely rosy picture of his finances!

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/03/2015 11:08

Buy him a ladder, a bucket, some window cleaning sprays and a sponge.
Send him out on the street.

Cheap way to start a business.

But I do think you have to take a long hard look at why you are with him, and why he is with you.
Can you see it in 10 years, or 20? Can you trust him? Is he supportive enough? Is he doing enough to get a job, or earning money somehow? Is he saving enough?
Would you feel comfortable having a joint account with him and sharing the family finances?
If not, then I'd say you need to send him on his way asap. Before you get pregnant by him, if that is a possibility.

chrome100 · 04/03/2015 11:08

I don't see why you should give him any money at all! You earn it, it's yours. If he wants money he should go out and get a job.

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 11:09

Also now I know ex-w wants him back I also know she will never sell the house

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/03/2015 11:09

I have been a SAHM since ds3 was born. I have suffered from depression all those years (and before). My children are now adults, apart from ds3 who is nearly 18, and heads off to university this autumn. Ds1 and ds2 are both at university already and ds1 graduates this year.

So I could work - but I don't. There are various reasons why I don't, but the bare fact is that I don't work. Like SunSunSunSun, my dh's income funds everything, including anything I do for fun.

Also, because of the depression and related health issues, I don't do much round the house - not a lot of housework, very little laundry, no ironing (dh picks up the slack), and whilst I do the majority of the cooking, I don't do it all.

So people here would probably condemn me almost as much as they are condemning the OP's partner. That said, I don't expect more from dh than we would spend on the dses or than he would spend on himself - it isn't always exactly equal (maybe he buys himself a new bike or I get an expensive hair cut) but it does balance out. And I wouldn't expect him to fund a gambling habit - though we did, as a family, fund his alcohol problem for quite a number of years.

ouryve · 04/03/2015 11:11

If he wants to spend so much money on gambling and drink, then he needs to find his own. End of.

Scotchmincepie · 04/03/2015 11:14

I could I suppose, in theory give up work and live off my husband. He's supporting 3 kids and still got another 2 years of spousal maintenance. But I don't, I have a job, I buy food for the house, contribute to the bills (not the mortgage - I have a house I rent out) and pay for holidays and don't have any pocket money from my husband at all. I'd love the reaction if I asked!

I don't see how this is working for you at all.

ouryve · 04/03/2015 11:15

Do you know why he split up with his ex?

I'd hazard a guess that it's for similar reasons to why you're contemplating ditching him, now.

cozietoesie · 04/03/2015 11:22

....He did agree to let me run a sort of experian type check on him to make sure I wasn't going to have debtors knocking on my door when he came to live with me and it painted a hugely rosy picture of his finances!....

The most financially incompetent and 'could care less' person I know has a truly glorious financial file - because he's spent his life being bailed out by friends and family cash gifts and family inheritances. Credit checks can't cater for that sort of situation.

Why do you think he was happy for you to look at it?

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 11:24

He left her. I didn't know them then but their friends have told me that she used to dangle money in front of him to try and keep him but eventually he had enough. He went out, got a job and left her.

Got a new girlfriend, moved in with her. Broke up with her, met me, moved in but unfortunately lost his job not long after.

He is starting to work again in April. I probably could be harder on him first to give him one more chance, I just need to decide if I do that or whether I call it quits now. I doubt I have helped the situation as I'm busy, really busy and tend not to pay as much attention to what he's up to as I should.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 04/03/2015 11:28

He's unlikely to work for long, I'm afraid. And if by some miracle he does, then he'll haul that fact and his 'paying his own way' up to you for ever and a day. I'd hand him back to his ex. With a sigh of relief.

oldgrandmama · 04/03/2015 11:31

God, I had a relationship with one like that, OP. He was self employed but pretty well gave all that up when he moved in with me, preferring me to sub him all the time, especially when it came to his hobby, which was flying! I saw the light and slung him out, but it took two years to do it and got very unpleasant. He was an entitled, arrogant cocklodger and I should have known better. Don't be me, OP.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 11:32

So, he was living off her, but found her too controlling with money, possibly?

Broke up with her, met me, moved in but unfortunately lost his job not long after.
Did he actually lose it, or managed to wriggle out of it?

Oldraver · 04/03/2015 11:33

Just how much pocket money is he wanting ?

Lweji · 04/03/2015 11:33

Why give another chance?

If you don't trust him enough to share finances, he is not your actual "partner".

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