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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to limit the amount of money I give to dp or am I being controlling?

116 replies

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:20

Dp is out of work and has been for some time. I work full time in what would be considered a well paid job. I have 2 dcs (teenagers) who live with me, he has dcs who live with their mother.

Dp does help out at home - so he does ferry the kids around if they need it but it isn't that much, he helped out when we had the builders in etc. but the builders have gone now. His ex-w, knowing that Dp isn't working has been taking advantage and getting him to collect their dcs (also teenagers) and getting him to sort out their house for sale and do viewings (theoretically he should benefit from the sale but I have my doubts knowing the history).

Essentially he has managed to make himself v busy and then wants money from me. When he was dealing with the builders, I felt he was doing a job I would have had to pay someone else to do but since then, he is doing mildly useful things but isn't working!

Dp likes going to the pub, he likes meeting his friends for breakfast in the cafe (he has a few friends retired and on long term sick) and he gambles. If it's his own money then fine but I don't see why my money should be spent being pissed up the wall by him. He basically wants what I think is a large amount of money, more than I spend on me and the kids together and I have said no. He thinks I am being controlling.

I said no again yesterday and he spent all day unpacking and putting together furniture to show he was being useful. I am sure he is going to ask again this morning!

He has a job in April - it is low paid and only for a short time and i won't see any of it for the food/bills as he will spend it all. He didn't look for this job - a friend of ours has asked him to do it.

I tried to agree an amount that he could have each week and he was hugely insulted and said I was controlling as he felt it was too little considering my disposable income!

AIBU or is he taking the piss?

OP posts:

KittensOnAPlane · 04/03/2015 07:44

My dp is a sahd - he does all cooking shopping cleaning dcs etc

He's a proper partner. I'd like him to bring in a small amount financially as dcs are older but there's not great hurry

Your dp - does he do housework etc or do you do that as well

Babycham1979 · 04/03/2015 07:44

Yes, Datahub, I was wondering if this was a 'reverse'. Apart from the gambling, it sounds like rather a lot of SAHMs on here. Although obviously, in those cases, it's 'family money', and the DH is being 'abusive'.

He does sound like a lazy twat, tbh, but no worse than most MN cuntlodgers.

chiefbrody · 04/03/2015 07:47

If this was the other way around and you were being denied money by your oh, mumsnet would advised you to leave him.....

DeliciousMonster · 04/03/2015 07:52

If this was the other way around and you were being denied money by your oh, mumsnet would advised you to leave him.....

No I think she would be advised to get a job.

but no worse than most MN cuntlodgers

Wow. So you think stay at home mothers are cuntlodgers?

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 07:53

Well this is my issue. I have a demanding job. I wouldn't say it was long hours but I have a long commute so the day ends up being long.

Dp does the washing. When we had the builders in, he did all the liaison with them and if I hadn't had Dp, I would have had to employ a project manager to look after that for me. He will ferry the kids around if I ask. He doesn't cook but it is helpful to me having him at home.

But I was a single parent before this. I can do it on my own and wasn't looking for a SAHP. Now that he is there it is certainly of some benefit to me. I should also point out that ex-w also uses him a lot - to the extent that I think he needs to put his foot down a bit more with her as Dp is often fully busy every day at the moment doing chores for me and her despite not earning a penny!

Should also say the kids adore him. If anything goes wrong during the day, they get ill or they forget something, I'm 90 mins away and Dp can be right there and he will go out of the way for them (though sometimes begrudgingly!).

OP posts:

lacksdirection · 04/03/2015 07:53

So if he split with his ex 2 years ago, lost his job a few months later and has only done a couple of little bits since then, can we assume he doesn't get JSA and he's not worked for at least 18 months?

So does he get any income of his own at all?
Or is he just waiting for the money from the sale of the house and expecting you to support him in the meantime?

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 07:55

It's not that I am giving him nothing. I am just not giving him as much as he wants :)

OP posts:

UnikittyInHerBusinessSuit · 04/03/2015 07:55

YANBU about the money but he's perfectly reasonable to spend his time running around after his children and trying to sell his house so don't weaken your case by complaining about that.

And this is different from a normal SAHM case in a hundred ways (although there are a few cupcake entrepreneurs in analogous situations).

Littlef00t · 04/03/2015 07:55

People saying reverse, yes restricting money can = financially controlling but it depends how much money.

Enough to eat, clothe, and some discretionary spends is fine, any money should be reflective of family budget and not unlimited.

lacksdirection · 04/03/2015 08:02

How much could he possibly need? If he is being given enough to eat breakfast at the cafe regularly, sit in a pub regularly, gamble regularly and he still feels no motivation to seek work, then I imagine he's being given too much money.

What does he actually pay for? Or are all of his contributions 'in kind'?
He doesn't sound particularly good with money OP so your concerns that any money from the sale of the house won't last him long are highly likely to be well founded I'm afraid.

Thistledew · 04/03/2015 08:08

Fundamentally, you have very different attitudes to money and how it should be spent. He is always going to prioritise spending on himself and gambling (he is prioritising is now even though he cannot personally afford to), and you are always going to see that as a waste of money.

Regardless of any arguments about how much money you should be sharing between you, ask yourself if you will be happy spending the rest of your life with someone with whom you have a major incompatibility.

RufusTheReindeer · 04/03/2015 08:09

When ever I see threads like this when the roles are reversed most people say that both partners should have equal disposable income and leisure time

That's not the case here, I don't think you are being unreasonable asking him to work to a budget

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 08:12

How much are you giving him and how much does he want?

Can he claim JSA

adventuretime11 · 04/03/2015 08:13

He won't get jsa due to op having an income. Difference between him and sahm is modt sahms on here are looking after the home and d and do not gamble. They also do not wastd loads of money on themselves.

adventuretime11 · 04/03/2015 08:13

Well not after 6months

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 08:14

I think the issue is that both him and his ex-w came from very wealthy families. Ex-w's parents paid for all their dcs to go to private school. Dp's parents were v well off (hard workers mind) but both sadly got Alzheimer's so all their money quite rightly went on care homes. Dp ended up with no inheritance and I think he had spent his life thinking he was secure with that.

Ex-w's parents are also dead and have left her a fortune. She won't work again. So Dp is even more annoyed that she hasn't sold the house yet.

They are both used to the sort of lifestyle that most people don't have as they have had money on tap all their lives. The issue is as much a 'this is how normal people live don't you realise' issue. Not helped by dp's friends being wealthy retirees who do spend most of their time gambling and in the pub but I am sure WITH some sort of budget in mind!

OP posts:

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 08:14

Ex-w's parents are also dead and have left her a fortune. She won't work again. So Dp is even more annoyed that she hasn't sold the house yet.

OP posts:

straighttothepoint · 04/03/2015 08:16

What about a pension? Is he going to be a big drain on your resources when you retire? He has an easy ride.

Original poster

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 08:17

Yes that for me is the issue Thistle. Dp is saying give me a chance, this is all new to me, I am trying. He is trying, I can see that. He is going out a lot less etc but I am not sure if he will manage it and when he gets this lumpsum whether he will just revert to form.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 08:20

He can claim contribution based jsa if he had paid national insurance I the last few years.
Why isn't he?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 08:21

How long have you been together?

Littleturkish · 04/03/2015 08:23

OP has said he is asking for more than what she has to spend on herself AND the children- that is NOT equal amounts, is it?

He isn't at home caring for the children, they haven't made a joint decision for him not to work.

Loads of threads on here with women saying they don't want to return to work and they are told: go to work.

ahbollocks · 04/03/2015 08:26

Get rid of him

SuggestmeaUsername · 04/03/2015 08:35

what's the difference between a cock lodger and a SAHD?

Has he lost his confidence since his last job and thats why he is not making the effort to look for a new one?

Am guessing the pub with mates thing is to help him maintain some of his lost masculinity and it gives him some friends to provide support.

If he is gambling though, that needs to be curtailed. If you give him a certain amount, say £150pm, then its up to him to spend it on gambling, down the pub, or with his kids. Then its up to him to explain why he cant take the kids out anywhere because he has gambled his money away

WhyHasTheGinGone · 04/03/2015 08:35

What OPs DP is doing and what a SAHM does are worlds apart.

If a poster came online and said she was a SAHM but her DCs were actually teenagers so she didn't really need to do much, she helped around the house but didn't do all of the housework, gambled, and wanted lump sums from her DH then people wouldn't be telling her she's being financially abused, they'd be telling her to get over herself and get a job to fund her habits or find a way to contribute to the relationship more.

Financial abuse would be him spending everyday either working to keep the house in order so there wasn't a thing for OP to do when she gets home from work, or spending all day running after preschool age children, and OP telling him he couldn't have any money as he wasn't working.

They're worlds apart! He can't contribute next to nothing work wise in the relationship then want to spend large amounts of family money on himself when isn't in keeping with the budget.

He's getting a great deal and is taking the piss. It isn't a partnership it's him enjoying his free ride, so it certainly isn't abusive or controlling if you want that to stop.

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