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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not make my 4yo call her dad?

96 replies

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:24

Background: we have been split up since she was 18 months, she is now 4 (only just). He likes to phone her every.single.night. I have dropped this down to Skype once a week and one phone call. She stays at his house from Friday to Sunday so this actually works out as contact every other day.

He claims that I am being unfair and that I'm not allowing him a relationship with her and that I'm spiteful. From my perspective dd doesn't actually enjoy the calls very much. They are always long, anything under 25 minuses isn't enough so I end up having to facilitate the whole thing otherwise she gets bored and just walks away. It's getting to the point she isn't enjoying the calls because they are too frequent and too long. She often tells me she doesn't want to talk to dad. He attempts to call every day even though I often tell him she doesn't want to talk, if I don't answer I get abuse or the accusations above...

So AIBU to not make dd call every night and stick to the every other night arrangement with 1 skype and 1 call?

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:26

Sorry fwiw we alternate birthdays and Christmas and split the holidays if he can get time off work. He gets as much contact as possible baring in mind he works Mon-Fri so can't see her in the week

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Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2015 19:30

That is far too much for a very young child. Stick to every other night, and it should be on her terms, if she's had enough, even after 5 mins, tell ex that she does not want to speak anymore and put the phone down.

Teaguzzler · 02/03/2015 19:31

I understand how difficult this must be for you. I have divorced parents and from a young age my dad rung me daily too. I remember it being a drag at times but as an adult I look back and see how much he must have missed seeing me everyday and feel grateful to have been loved so much. We still have a very close relationship and I have always had high expectations of how I should be treated by men in my own relationships which I believe stems in part from my relationship with dad. I think you should facilitate the calls but your exh needs to ensure the content and length of the conversation is age appropriate. Is there anyway he will accept that?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2015 19:33

Who is this for, her or him! It's not about him. I struggle to be on The phone sometimes for 20 mins who my mum demands I call every day, but that's another story.

Mrsstarlord · 02/03/2015 19:36

You don't give any background but assuming there is no reason why he should have limited or supervised access I really feel sorry for your ex. I understand that it is hard for you and perhaps intrusive but he must miss her terribly.
Do you have an open enough relationship with your ex to talk with him about the length of calls being too long? Perhaps daily but a quick chat rather than dragging it out. I disagree that daily is to often for a daughter to talk to her dad - perhaps its the length of time that is the issue?

Original poster

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:39

Mrsstarlord- his contact his limited or supervised. He has her Friday to Sunday every week, he can't have her in the week as it doesn't fit in with work.

Teaguzzler- unfortunately anything under 25 mins is met with arguments and abuse. He literally will not accept that it's too long.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2015 19:39

It's the length of time that's the issue, 25 min is too long for a 4 year old. Even 5 min per night, or however long dd wants woukd be fine. It should be on dd terms, if dd has had enough after 2, 5 10 min so be it.

GokTwo · 02/03/2015 19:40

That's a very long phone call for a 4 year old. It's a shame he can't sense her reluctance to keeping on chatting. I agree that I'd chat to him about the length of the call.

Original poster

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:40

Sorry his contact time isn't limited or supervised. He has her Friday from 12pm until Sunday at 7pm every weekend.

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Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2015 19:41

I woukd intervene, and when dd starts to get bored, take the phone and tell him she's had enough now and put phone down. Yes he misses her I can understand that, but she is still only little, even an 8 year old would struggle at 25 min.

Mrsstarlord · 02/03/2015 19:44

So (and you don't have to give details) just to clarify there aren't any restrictions imposed by a court or the like? (sorry didn't understand your response).

Its important for dd and dad to maintain a relationship, must be hard for both of them. If he really is argumentative if you try and cut down the time why not suggest shorter calls daily (amounts to the same amount of time) and if he still refuses, leave DD on the phone / Skype to wander off so that he gets the message

SaucyJack · 02/03/2015 19:44

Agree it's the length of the call that's too long. I'm bored just reading about his phone calls tbh.

Just let her walk off when she's had enough and hang up. You don't have to listen to his abuse.

Mrsstarlord · 02/03/2015 19:45

Sorry - cross posted!

LokiBear · 02/03/2015 19:45

I think the fact that he really wants to be involved is lovely. Could you talk to him about cutting the conversations down to 5 minutes? Maybe ask him to make her a photo album of him and her that she can have out and look at. That way, when he talks to her she can look at it and talk about the pictures. It keeps her engaged and gives him the opportunity to feel like he is part of her daily life. It must be awful not to see your kids every day.

BertieBrabinger · 02/03/2015 19:47

Fair enough if 25 minutes is too long for your DD, but I read so many threads on here about Dads who can't be arsed with contact and here's a Dad who wants to speak to his kid every day. That's lovely and to be encouraged IMO.

Honestly I think YABU. One day when your DD is old enough she will look back and know that her Dad cared enough to call her every day. So many Dads don't, I'd think yourself lucky OP.

Teaguzzler · 02/03/2015 19:47

I think his reluctance to take cues from your daughter is an issue. He must miss her terribly but she is only 4 and he needs to understand that her concentration span is short. I agree that you should end the phone call when your daughter has had enough. What a shame he is making a lovely thing so difficult for you both.

MommyBird · 02/03/2015 19:48

I'd tell him the truth.
25 minutes is a long time for a 4 year old and that you have to supervise the phone calls as she gets bored.
Let her talk to him for as long as SHE wants, if he doesnt like it, there isn't much you can do.

TwoOddSocks · 02/03/2015 19:49

I agree that it's lovely he wants to be so involved. Can't you just set up Skype in her bedroom/the living room and if she gets bored and starts playing with her toys so be it. I don't think you should have to rearrange your life for it though so if you're out for the evening or don't have time then he doesn't get a call.

flanjabelle · 02/03/2015 19:50

Just stop facilitating. If she walks off, she is showing she has had enough. If he questions you tell him you are not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

LittleBairn · 02/03/2015 19:51

YANBU he has her every weekend. Soon she will be at school and your time with her will be even less he's imposing on your time alone with her.
Do you call her each night she stays over with him? I would ask how he would feel if you demanded this of him each weekend.

Original poster

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:52

Sorry mrastarford, I mean that all arrangements are made privately. There are no court orders or anything like that.

He wants every day phonecalls of minimum 25 mins, I would prefer every other day as she gets bored.

Although I like the idea of facilitating phone call for 5 minutes every evening then giving her control of the phone then she can give up when she is ready.

I agree by the way it's important for then to have a relationship and I have no problem with the calls it's just the length and time that's the problem and his inability to understand he questions of having had enough. She actively says "I've finished now mummy" or she walks away but he just calls her name over and over. If I end the call early her gets arsy.

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Original poster

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:54

I don't ever call when she is with him at the weekend.

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WilsonWilsonWoman · 02/03/2015 19:57

What the hell is he talking about to make a call to a 4 yo last 25 minutes?! Insanity!

SaucyJack · 02/03/2015 19:58

He sounds like a dickhead tbh.

Original poster

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 19:58

Bertie- I agree the sentiment is nice, he is generally a good dad and she is very lucky. I actually don't have an issue with nightly phonecalls, it's the 25 minutes without any compromise that's the issue. It honestly ends up being very stressful (for 4 year old the most) and it isn't actually quality time at all! She literally turned for a week ago so a young 4

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