to not make my 4yo call her dad?

[MissMuesli]

Background: we have been split up since she was 18 months, she is now 4 (only just). He likes to phone her every.single.night. I have dropped this down to Skype once a week and one phone call. She stays at his house from Friday to Sunday so this actually works out as contact every other day.

He claims that I am being unfair and that I'm not allowing him a relationship with her and that I'm spiteful. From my perspective dd doesn't actually enjoy the calls very much. They are always long, anything under 25 minuses isn't enough so I end up having to facilitate the whole thing otherwise she gets bored and just walks away. It's getting to the point she isn't enjoying the calls because they are too frequent and too long. She often tells me she doesn't want to talk to dad. He attempts to call every day even though I often tell him she doesn't want to talk, if I don't answer I get abuse or the accusations above...

So AIBU to not make dd call every night and stick to the every other night arrangement with 1 skype and 1 call?

The 25 mins phonecall is a bit mad. But it's a bit harsh to drop contact to every other weekend, I would die inside if I only got to see my kids every two weeks. Could he have her during week overnight even if he drops her back with u in the morning allowing u then to have a saturday?

purple, as PP have said the most common court ordered contact is every other weekend and one weekday night or evening for the non-resident parent. This is to give both parents some down time with the child.

Of course it's hard not seeing your child as often as you want to. But contact is arranged for the benefit of the child, not for the parents. If parents decide to split up, sad though that is, it will inevitably mean seeing less of your child.

Purple, its unfair on op, as she has no weekends with her dd, only school days where she gets dd ready for school, then collects her later, a bit of time than bed.

dont know if youve read these threads- sounds similar to your situation in some ways eg ex takes every weekend, bullies and manipulates. worth a thought if he cant see that your dd needs weekend/quality time with her mother and haranguing her on the phone for 25bmins (where did he get that expectation from?)isnt helping her have a relationship with him

op in these has been to court and has a fairer contact plan imposed with fairer distribution of weekends and less opportunities for her ex to manipulate her

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2253026-exp-is-taking-me-to-court-again

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2318796-Definitely-going-to-court-scared?pg=4

I think if he wants to speak to her every day, he should be allowed to. i would want yo speak to my dc every day if they were away from me and wouldn't be very happy if someone tried to stop me.

That being said, make him ring her and don't help with the phone calls. If she gets bored talking she'll soon let him know and the calls probably won't last 25 minutes if you're not facilitating it.

Hi, thanks for all of the advice, I've really appreciated it. I find it hard sometimes to work out what's reasonable and what isn't!

The every weekend thing is something I'm definitely going to consider. I struggle though because dd does miss her dad and I'm not sure of 2 weeks would be too long and end up making her sad.

He called tonight and I took you advice of giving her the phone, she had a chat for about 5 minutes then wanted to come off. I helped her say goodbye and that was that. Dd was much happier, dad wasn't but I didn't engage just allowed both to say bye and hung up.

I don't work currently but I start a uni course this September so it will be important to get something more formal in place. Struggling because solicitors are so expensive. I don't think I qualify for legal aid as there was no abuse (documented anyway).

Also I'm not against dad seeing dd every weekend, my ideal would be if he had Friday night and saturday day, and I had Saturday night and Sunday daytime. Then she would still be able to have weekly contact.

It's a 50 mile round trip though so dad tends to want to go with the whole weekend as otherwise it's a long way for not alot of time.

I understand your reluctance but I can also see even if you did Friday / Saturday Dad, Sunday you. Dad would have a lovely Saturday. Sundays would be spend making models and other homework as he sounds like he isn't going to get involved in homework. Children do really adapt to what is the norm.

Well done on the phone call though that sounds like progress.

50 mile round trip is not much - what is it? 30-60 mins each way depending on roads/traffic?

When my parents divorced, we did Friday night at my dad's and then sat night at my mum's but we didn't like it. Never got the time to just chill out. We changed to every other weekend and one mid week night at my dad's. Much better.

Agree with everyone who says about legal advice and formal arrangements. Esp given the emotional abuse background. Depersonalise the situation as much as you. Can.

Good for you, for taking control of the telephone situation, that needs to stop, keep it up and keep it on dd terms, not his, sod him if he does not like it tough. Yes I would e mail your ex and state how you would like weekend contact, whether it is every other weekend or Friday/Sat, gain back control.

Why on earth are you letting him have all weekend every weekend? That needs to stop right now, and work towards every-other or half of each.
And as you've already begun, don't get involved in the phone conversations. Hand her the phone when he rings, then walk away. Let him deal with it if she puts the receiver down and wanders off.

My DS has spent EOW with his dad since he was about 5 or 6. He's 11 now. Tbh he enjoys his time there but he doesn't miss him when he's not there (he doesn't miss me when he's there either - weird or well-balanced I don't know).
If your DD carries on going to his every weekend she will never be able to go to friends parties. It's too much anyway. Once she starts school she'll get tired and want relaxing time at home number 1.
I get the feeling you want to placate him; but you have the law and common sense on your side so please sort out what's best for DD.
(My DS spends approximately 30 seconds on phone to either parent if we call him!)

Thanks for all the input! I've booked a free half hour appointment for Friday to find out options and how to move forward!

How did phone contact go tonight. Hope it was like yesterday

It was aero girl thank you. I called them left them to it. She got bored, so I had to intervene as he wasn't really respecting that, just kept asking and repeating the same questions over and over. So I just asked her (on mute) if she wanted to talk or had enough, then told dad she wanted to play and helped her say bye. Was so much better! Thanks for asking :-?

A 50 mile round trip is nothing. I do a 60 mile round trip for my daily commute no problem.

I think EOW would work better than trying to break a weekend into 2 chunks.

A 50 mile round trip is nothing. I do a 60 mile round trip for my daily commute no problem.

So an average of 50 mins each way. Not exactly a massive amount of time, really.

Ha, thought I'd lost that first post. My wifi is playing up, sorry.

Fantastic, keep that going, in time teach her to say bye bye Daddy when she's had enough and press the hangup button.

I hope you can stand firm and continue to finish the phone calls quickly when your dd has clearly had enough and he either repeats her name or the same questions again and again. It sounds like he's haranguing her.

How have the phone calls been, Hope you have been continuing with what you are doing, and letting dd take the phone, and ending it when SHE has had enough.