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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the bragging

107 replies

Summeblaze · 02/03/2015 00:12

AIBU to just wish that certain people on Facebook would just keep some things to themselves.

Actually I know IABU for thinking it and being in Facebook in the first place. I really want to come off it but I run 3 businesses from it so really can't at the moment.

My DS1 has SN. He has moderate learning difficulties and needs a 1:1 TA most of the day. He only learned to speak and understand better (and still not well at 7) when he was 5 year old and struggles on a daily basis. My DD has been diagnosed with dyslexia and has to have a lot of extra tuition.

What I don't need when I get home is to log on to my Facebook and find a braggy post about how lucky they are to have amazingly clever kids. One has been accepted into the highly gifted programme and the other has only just turned one and is knocking out sentences and picking things out of books etc.

Now it's not that I'm not pleased for her as such. I realise she is desperately proud of her dc but do we all need to know. I don't put on their that my 7 year old managed to spell his name as I may have people on my friends list who can't do that yet.

And it probably wouldn't happen in RL. Most people would have the sense not to brag about clever kids when they know their friends kids are struggling. So why on Facebook.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 02/03/2015 16:48

I do hate how in the UK it is frowned upon if you dare show pride in the achievements of your children. There are too many miserable fuckers about IMO.

SoupDragon · 02/03/2015 16:53

(I don't think the OP is a miserable fucker, as I said earlier, I understand why she feels like that)

MartinJD · 02/03/2015 17:02

This sounds like a case of sour grapes to me. No reason why people shouldn't be proud of their successful children. No one is forcing you to read these posts, or be on facebook at all for that matter.

Cheers!

RedToothBrush · 02/03/2015 17:17

She thinks that her dc having a high level of intelligence is due to her genes and amazing parenting. The reverse therefore must be true in her eyes.

I'm not sure that the logic follows for everyone.

DH has an IQ that's v high. He also has dyslexia that was only picked up at university because he was high functioning. Throughout school he had behavioural issues as a result. This was put down to him being the attention seeking middle child.

The odds are that DH's children will also be intelligent BUT its also very possible that they might have special needs too.

I think its wrong to assume that intelligent children don't have parenting challenges and I think its wrong to assume that parents who have high achievers automatically assume their genes are superior and they look down on others.

I think its very possible to be sympathetic to other parents who face particular challenges and to be really pleased for others when their children make achievements which are great for their circumstances without being patronising about it. The two are not mutually exclusive.

There will be twats who are self absorbed and there will be parents who genuinely will be proud but think nothing less of your children at the same time. Both exist.

I think that's what you have to think about, and how much you take something personally.

I think its sad when intelligent kids and their parents feel unable to express pride for fear of offending others. And on a personal level that pressure to hide achievements from my peers really damaged my confidence and in the end I ended up under achieving.

I think the biggest thing you can give as a parent is confidence in your child's abilities, whatever they may be. Therefore I do have reservations about condemning parents who are proud of their children. No one wins if you start saying it ok for one parent to be proud but not another.

If you can't cope with it, defriend or hide. This is your issue to deal with.

Sallystyle · 02/03/2015 17:34

I have children with special needs.

I do not begrudge people who post about their children who are achieving more than mine can. I am happy for them. I only have friends on FB I like so I am genuinely happy for them when things go well.

I talk about the good things in my life as well, I most certainly don't brag but my family and friends like knowing the good things and if others don't like it they can un-friend me.

I have to see pictures of people with their dads when mine hates me. I have to see pictures of children with their dads when mine lost theirs to cancer. I have to see people with more money than me, better houses, good careers and so on. That's just life.

I do know how you feel, when mine were younger I did feel the same way as you sometimes except fb wasn't around. My SN son has a nephew the same age who is a genius (and yes he actually is a genius) and when we all got together I found it really hard, but I had to get over it. My nephew and son are now teens and my nephew is so amazingly bright he shocks me, but I am happy to hear about how he is doing. It took a while to be around him without feeling a pang of envy but I always realised that was my problem to solve.

captainfarrell · 02/03/2015 17:51

I'm with you OP! I started a thread like this recently and was met with a lot of opposition. I am on FB too to keep in touch with family abroad etc but have other friends on there who have sent requests. Most are fine and we share funny stuff. Some are so tiresome, posting every meal or checking in every damn place they go as if to say" oh look what i'm doing, don't i live in a social whirl?" When you see people like them out in pubs etc , they can be in a group and not one is talking, just all heads down on phones, but they check in to say what a lovely family time they're having.....yeah right! Bores!

editthis · 02/03/2015 21:56

I am your archetypal miserable fucker, SoupDragon! Grin But it's not about not being allowed to be proud of achievements – I would boast happily to family, future employers or – crucially – anyone IRL who knew enough of my circumstances to ask how I or my children might have done in a particular instance. Just not to all and sundry online. I think that's the difference: filtering, and showing some restraint. When I win my Nobel Prize, I shall simply ask a friend to "congratulate" me publicly on Facebook and bask in a "you shouldn't have" kind of way. Sneaky, you see

I still think an excess of pride is nauseating. As is talking endlessly about your children, full-stop.

TwoOddSocks · 02/03/2015 22:11

YANBU. There are some posts which are just brimming with joy the person wants to share which are great but others do come across as smug and braggy. It's basically image crafting; sending out an idealised image of your life (which is different from just sharing the good bits and not moaning about every thing that goes a bit wrong). I have a friend who posts pictures of a "wonderful day out with the kids, #feelingBlessed", then confesses IRL that it was awful - they argued all day, everyone was grumpy etc. I think Facebook does encourage the narcism!

AliceLidl · 02/03/2015 22:49

OP I doubt she's thought it through to the point of deciding that the things she has boasted about making her a good mother to thinking that makes you a bad one in her eyes.

People use Facebook differently but it always surprises me when someone decides to tell everyone else on their friends list to stop doing something that annoys them.

I know that's not what you are saying here. But it happens so often, either actually on Facebook or on threads here.

We all have things that we find it hard to read. I find looking at baby scans or those week by week pregnancy development tickers really upsetting at times. I hide those posts rather than unfollow the friends posting them, because it's up to them what they post and up to me what I leave to read or look at.

I lost two babies, it's taken a lot for us to have DS. I do post about him, pictures of him, things he's said or done, achievements if he has them. I know not everyone else on my friends list is as thrilled with him as I am but I have people I have never met, but who I still consider to be very good friends, delighted for us that DS is here and enjoying following his highs and lows as he grows up. And sadly some family who could barely care any less.

I sometimes see people on there saying "If any of you post one more game request/juice plus message/picture of your dinner/share if you hate cancer but love kittens then I will delete you" and yes those things are annoying but if someone wants to share them that's their business. If someone else wants to delete an otherwise good friend for it, that's their choice.

And if it's someone you aren't that bothered about in real life but feel you have to keep them, block the app they keep posting from or unfollow them if you don't want to delete them, rather than dictate to them what you think they should do in their own time on their own profile.

Your friend does sound a bit more gloaty than most, but that said, I like to joke to DH that DS gets all his good points from me because I spent the nine months concentrating. We're not serious, but it might not come across that way to anybody listening.

She's proud of her child, she expresses that by laying it on with a trowel differently to the way you would, and differently to the way many people on here think she should, but unless any of those people are Mark Zuckerberg I don't think they really get to tell her or anybody else how to use Facebook.

But I really don't think she's making her posts with you in mind as the anti-her or anything. If people didn't post something for fear of someone else reading something into it or feeling badly compared then the internet would be empty.

HeisenbergsBlueMeth · 02/03/2015 23:13

YABU, if it bothers you that much just unfollow her, delete her or come off Facebook. Nobody is forcing you to read her posts

Noodledoodledoo · 03/03/2015 19:07

I agree with a PP that most people don't think through everyone elses situations before posting - I don't go on to facebook on Mother's day as I have lost my mum but don't think I should expect people not to post about their amazing mums.

On the flip side of that I have other friends who have also lost parents who post lots of 'thinking of you' messages which also upset me!

chillysnowman · 04/03/2015 05:49

I never understand posts like this. Mu dd has dyslexia but she is good at art, and good at sport. There is really nothing your children are good at? I am not necessarily talking of award winning, but every child has skills.

People who read in to everything like this on facebook need to work on their confidence levels

Karma1981 · 04/03/2015 09:23

I have an 8 year old that has autism,dcd and hypotonia so I can relate.
Although I do put up on fb even his small achievements like actualy going to school, which for him was a massive achievement for him.
It used to hurt when people bragged about how 'smart' their child/children are, but I look at my son and think he is up against so much more then most children.
So.in my eyes you know what he kinda has an A* with just getting through the day.

TheChandler · 04/03/2015 10:46

YABU. Just unfollow them but keep them as friends. Problem solved.

You see, I get annoyed by people who have businesses on FB, trying to use my leisure time to sell me stuff, and pretending to be friendly, but only as far as it extends to them selling me stuff and making money out of me. I call them users. Particularly if they get annoyed at me using FB to put comments about my leisure time and family.

What you have written doesn't sound like bragging (which I would say is more something like "My child is so clever, she is much cleverer than anyone else in her year and she is going to do so many wonderful things) as describing concrete achievements and real milestones. You are making the mistake in thinking this is competing against you. There is nothing wrong with celebrating the achievements of non SN children, just as there is nothing wrong with you celebrating them yourself.

Summeblaze · 04/03/2015 12:01

But it was precisely that. She started off with "hold on, I'm about to brag". Told everyone how her child is soooo smart and understands so much more than other children his age. How she hopes he takes after his sister as she is gifted and talented and top of all her classes. She is going to do great things and it must be her amazing genes and top parenting. She ended with "bragging finished".

My DD is also good at art but unfortunately in the eyes of the school/teachers etc. if it's not maths and English then forget it. DS struggles with so much and I know how fantastic his personal achievements are. But other than his immediate family no one wants to know if he has managed to spell the word cat at the age of 7. And as many on Facebook don't know of his issues, they would probably be very ?? anyway.

I don't have low confidence at all, quite the opposite. I've never liked braggers whether it was about my dc or not.

OP posts:
Summeblaze · 04/03/2015 12:14

And achievement type post don't bother me. Little tommy got 1st place at sports day/got an A in chemistry exam/learned to ride a bike etc, all fine even though my DS can't do them.

Maybe it's nothing to do with my what my DC can or can't do and just that I hate people who brag.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 04/03/2015 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugar21 · 04/03/2015 12:31

I hate bloody Facebook, ditched it 2 years ago due to the stupid amount of "look at me" posts. I do not care where xxx has been, or how many hours they spent on the bloody treadmill or how many poos their prodigal princess has done. I re-named it bragbook and deleted my account. After all we managed perfectly well before FB so who needs it now

goldvelvet · 04/03/2015 12:34

Just unfollow her on your newsfeed simple.

manchestermummy · 04/03/2015 12:36

I am proud of my dc. We have faced non-stop criticism from family about every little thing we do: where we live, the fact I work, the fact I work and use paid childcare, thr fact I like my house tidy, the fact we have a mortgage, the fact my dc do activities, my hair, my clothes. Everything.

So I will boast about my kids, thanks, because in real life, the people in my life purporting to care, don't.

DecaffTastesWeird · 04/03/2015 12:38

Ugh YANBU. As pp suggested - hide braggers' posts or come off fb entirely if it gets too much.

SoupDragon · 04/03/2015 12:39

She started off with "hold on, I'm about to brag"

And yet you read on...? Confused

SoupDragon · 04/03/2015 12:41

After all we managed perfectly well before FB so who needs it now

LOL. We managed perfectly well without MN too... :o

CatsCantTwerk · 04/03/2015 12:50

It makes me sad to think that I might be being judged for sharing my dc's achievements and proud moments on fb.

TheChandler · 04/03/2015 13:16

But OP, do you share posts about your business on FB?