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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off about Mothers' Day arrangements?

97 replies

HootyMcTooty · 01/03/2015 23:15

My step dad approached me and siblings a few weeks ago about booking a meal for Mothers' Day, to treat DM. It was suggested that partners not be involved. I have a DH and two young children, one sibling has a baby. It was suggested that it be an evening meal, which I was fine with as I could spend the day with my family then go out for DM's meal and DH could stay home and put DC to bed. All fine.

Now it appears that although our partners aren't invited DM wants my step father there and he can only make the afternoon.

AIBU to be put out that I'm being expected to spend Mothers' Day away from my DH and children for the sake of DM and step dad's preferences?

I'm really not precious about Mothers' Day, I don't expect presents or any special treatment, but it would be nice to spend my first Mothers' Day with DC2 actually with her doing something nice. It's also my penultimate weekend before going back to work full time.

As I agreed to the evening meal I now feel like my family would think I was an arse if I pull out now it's been moved to the afternoon. I get on well with all my family and don't want to cause upset, but since DH can't do anything with his own late DM I feel harsh saying he can't come. How do I respond to this?

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 01/03/2015 23:18

I think just say it doesn't suit you as you now can't spend the time you'd planned with your husband and children. Don't feel bad-it's a completely different arrangement from the one you agreed to. And actually, expecting you to spend next to no time with your own children on Mother's Day is a bit much.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 01/03/2015 23:19

Last year there would have been 200+ posts saying you are being VVVU as you should not expect so much as a sideways glance for being a mother, whereas you own mother should be fully accommodated, possibly showered in rubies. I am watching to see what happens this year!

Casmama · 01/03/2015 23:19

I think you are just honest about it and say it really needs to be all or nothing- either everyone is invited in the afternoon or the stepdad doesn't come and you can revert to the original plan. Just be direct and explain as you have here. A bit odd for your step dad to be organising is it not?

highkickindandy · 01/03/2015 23:19

If it doesn't suit you, don't go. The change of time is your get out clause - the previous arrangement worked for you, this one doesn't, so sorry.

CrapBag · 01/03/2015 23:20

I would say you were happy with the evening as it fitted in well with your own (a day 1st with second DC) mother's day but you cannot make the afternoon so you will have to decline.

Why can't your partner and children go? This seems like an awful way to exclude your own family. Why does your step dad get to go?

YANBU. I wouldn't go and wouldn't care if they got annoyed about it either. It's your mother's day too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/03/2015 23:20

I'd probably ask why it can't be a family occasion since it will be Mothers Day for you also? If it's confirmed that it can't, then politely decline - pull out - and call in to see your mum in the morning or the day before with flowers, whatever.

I imagine the rest of your family might be relieved but even if they're not, I wouldn't set this precedent and I'm not precious at the day either. Your mum can be 'centre stage' if you all agree and want to make that happen but there's no reason for your partners not to attend along with your children either.

Give your stepdad those two options and let him pick one.

Shodan · 01/03/2015 23:21

I think I'd offer up two options-

Evening as planned (and organised around) or
Afternoon fine, so long as all partners/children can come.

That's if I was feeling extremely generous. I'd probably just say no can do, daytime already booked out to do something with your DH/children. No need to feel guilty- if they haven't thought of the possible consequences of disrupting plans, that's their lookout.

26Point2Miles · 01/03/2015 23:21

Just explain?

A reasonable person would agree and see your point

306235388 · 01/03/2015 23:22

Don't go. I wouldn't.

SweetValentine · 01/03/2015 23:25

Yanbu, jist say you are apending the day with your children. I would want to.

Peony58890 · 01/03/2015 23:25

Text '' I'm very happy to come on my own during the evening or if the time has changed to the afternoon, I'll bring DH and the kids along too so we can spend Mother's Day together''

Ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2015 23:26

Er, fuck that.

You're a mum with 2 small dc. Arranging something with your dc in the evening is not suitable due to their age. If they want to do something during the day then fine, but your family should not be excluded from this. You've already said that you'd be available in the evening which tbh is more than fair.

Personally I think it's bloody rude to suggest that your DH and dc are excluded (I fully understand that this may be a minority view, but my parents would never, ever think of excluding DH and DBil - mum calls them "her boys")

Think I'd be saying "sod it" and arrange a lovely day with your family.

mrsfuzzy · 01/03/2015 23:27

sorry, but i never understand the fuss about this, shouldn't every day be special ?

Peony58890 · 01/03/2015 23:27

Following the text, if he says no kids/family allowed still, tell him not to worry because you will take Mum out to eat another time

Peony58890 · 01/03/2015 23:28

Or ask him to change the date of the meal as you need to be be with family.

opi · 01/03/2015 23:29

casmama said it

Koalafications · 01/03/2015 23:30

YANBU, at all.

Not sure why your step dad is there if partners aren't allowed

BackforGood · 01/03/2015 23:33

Why can't you just explain ?

Offer that you are happy to go - as agreed - for a meal in the evening without your family, or , if they want to change the time to a time you are expecting to spend with your own family, then you would expect the new arrangements to include them.

Put the choice back in their quarter.

If it were me, I'd go for the meal with your Mum and siblings on another evening though when the restaurants aren't so busy and the service is so much better.

Hathall · 01/03/2015 23:33

Have your siblings agreed to this?
I'd say that you made plans for the day with your own dc as you thought you were doing evening with them.

TheWitTank · 01/03/2015 23:34

Sorry, I've made plans for the day as we had arranged the evening for DM meal. That's reasonable enough I think!

Lucked · 01/03/2015 23:37

Just say sorry I can't do the afternoon, I wouldn't go into your own plans. It may all fall apart if your sibling has a baby as well.

Viviennemary · 01/03/2015 23:42

It does kind of defeat the whole purpose of Mothers day if you are expected to go for a meal and your own children and DH are not invited. Just say you thought it was in the evening and you've already made arrangements for the afternoon. Good point about why is Step Dad there if no partners are allowed. He's not even technically a blood relative if people want to be pedantic about the whole family/partners thing.

Original poster

HootyMcTooty · 01/03/2015 23:46

It's not that odd that my step dad is organising it, he's been around since we were children and is a father figure, but that wasn't clear in my OP.

I think his intentions were to try to do something to make DM feel appreciated. She's a great DM and I love her dearly, hence my happiness to have an adult meal in the evening for her, she deserves to be treated. He assumed he would not attend, but DM wants him to come and it's a meal for her, so he's coming. The fact that my DH isn't invited but step dad is has left something of a sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to throw my toys out of the pram, but I also want to send a message that this whole not inviting partners thing isn't appropriate.

OP posts:

Seekingtheanswers · 01/03/2015 23:47

Yanbu. Just say that you have already made other plans during the day. It isn't fair to change the arrangement now and expect you to just fit in.

GingerLDN · 01/03/2015 23:51

It's really rude to deliberately exclude your husband. Don't try to send them a message, just tell them.

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