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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about Mothers' Day arrangements?

97 replies

HootyMcTooty · 01/03/2015 23:15

My step dad approached me and siblings a few weeks ago about booking a meal for Mothers' Day, to treat DM. It was suggested that partners not be involved. I have a DH and two young children, one sibling has a baby. It was suggested that it be an evening meal, which I was fine with as I could spend the day with my family then go out for DM's meal and DH could stay home and put DC to bed. All fine.

Now it appears that although our partners aren't invited DM wants my step father there and he can only make the afternoon.

AIBU to be put out that I'm being expected to spend Mothers' Day away from my DH and children for the sake of DM and step dad's preferences?

I'm really not precious about Mothers' Day, I don't expect presents or any special treatment, but it would be nice to spend my first Mothers' Day with DC2 actually with her doing something nice. It's also my penultimate weekend before going back to work full time.

As I agreed to the evening meal I now feel like my family would think I was an arse if I pull out now it's been moved to the afternoon. I get on well with all my family and don't want to cause upset, but since DH can't do anything with his own late DM I feel harsh saying he can't come. How do I respond to this?

OP posts:
mellicauli · 01/03/2015 23:51

I do think it's important to be there for your young children on Mother's Day. It's not just for you to enjoy being cherished by them..but for them to enjoy doing the cherishing ...a lesson in how it's nice to be nice. Even if it's only for 5 minutes. How would they feel if you weren't there to be nice to? Bit sad?

DoJo · 01/03/2015 23:52

The fact that my DH isn't invited but step dad is has left something of a sour taste in my mouth.

But he excluded partners on the grounds that he wasn't expecting to come himself which was understandable for the occasion he was planning. Now that the tone of the meal has changed, has your mum actually said that it is still a no partners event?

Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 01/03/2015 23:57

One sibling isn't bothered as her DP doesn't really do family stuff anyway (I know). Their DD is still BF so she has to go everywhere anyway so not an issue for her. Other sibling thinks it's all a bit rude and weird, but again it doesn't affect her, no DC, her BF is doing something with his mum, they don't live together etc.

I think I'm just going to say I can't do the afternoon and they should go ahead without me and I'll take flowers over in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 00:01

DoJo I think step dad just wants to make DM happy. When we asked DM what her preference was she said "No boys - except step dad!!! He can't make the evening so it will need to be in the afternoon" at that point I resorted to the wisdom of MN. I was expecting to be told to stop being so precious, but now I feel I'm NBU, so will decline the invitation.

OP posts:
CarlaVeloso · 02/03/2015 00:09

Is it a lunch? It'll only be 1.5/2 hours, right? Or is it afternoon tea? Again, we're talking two hours max, surely?

Yes, it's weird and annoying. But could you take a deep breath, try to fit it in and make your own family plans around this one peculiar event?

Or...just pick up the phone and tell your mum you want to spend the day with her but that you're a mum too and you want to be with your children also. Ask her if she can think of a solution that would keep everyone happy.

Flomple · 02/03/2015 00:16

Your DH has plans to spoil you in the afternoon so you're not available, although he might agree to combine the celebration if she would like?

I think it's quite selfish of your mum to dictate no partners invited. I wonder if your stepdad is planning to treat you all but including an extra 4 adults would get too expensive?

Italiangreyhound · 02/03/2015 00:16

I think everyone had said it but just to add my voice, you could....
Say you can make it in the afternoon if your hubby and your kids can come too
Say you can make it in the evening if it is the original plan (unlikely as your dear mum wants her husband there).
Or maybe take her out for breakfast/brunch or just visit with some flowers and chocs.

It's your special day too, you should be able to do as you wish with it without anyone getting upset about it.

Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 00:18

The plan was for us siblings to pay (money is v tight for us all at the moment so meal was in place of gifts). Stepdad has said that of course he will pay for himself if DM wants him to come.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/03/2015 00:23

'When we asked DM what her preference was she said "No boys - except step dad!!! He can't make the evening so it will need to be in the afternoon" '
I know you posted "She's a great DM and I love her dearly" - but, bloody hell, that's a selfish request she's made for Mothers' Day! She's completely riding roughshod over the fact that her children have children of their own. Playing the Grand Matriarch is quite insulting here.

TheAnswerIsYes · 02/03/2015 00:23

YANBU. It's pretty selfish of your mother to expect you to put her above your children on Mother's Day.

Jackw · 02/03/2015 00:24

You are a mother too and should get to spend Mother's Day with your own family. If my parents had wanted to see me on Mother's Day they would have expected my family to be there too. What seems odd to me with this arrangement is the exclusion of your own family as if you should put your mum before yourself, children and partner. I would say no to the whole thing and the reason I would give is because I want to spend Mother's Day with my children.

Flomple · 02/03/2015 00:26

I'm back to thinking she's being a bit selfish then. She probably hasn't realised whapt she's asking.

Scrub my suggestion, Carla's idea of phoning, explaining you want to see your own DC and asking her to suggest a solution is much better.

Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 00:28

I know you're all right. She hasn't said the children can't come, just partners. I don't think she's bothered whether I bring DC or not, but if I took them that would leave DH alone on Mothers' Day while we all go out for a lovely meal. I may be being oversensitive here, but I think that's a horrible thing to do to someone who has lost his own DM.

OP posts:
Jackw · 02/03/2015 00:30

Absolutely agree. How strange to be trying to split families up on family occasions.

Flomple · 02/03/2015 00:32

I agree with you and there's no reason why you can't say that to her.

Maybeuse the word "family" rather than "children".

Ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2015 00:32

You're right - it is a horrible thing to do Sad

Talk about rubbing salt in the wound Sad

DoJo · 02/03/2015 00:32

Why not take the flowers over in the evening? if your step dad isn't going to be there anyway, then you can still spend the day with your family, see her on her own and hear about the meal as well.

DoJo · 02/03/2015 00:34

(BTW - I think that your mum's attitude is mean, but if you want to compromise without causing a fall-out then you should at least try and make sure that your plans are disrupted as little as possible.)

Flomple · 02/03/2015 00:34

Actually, how would your DH feel about taking your mum out on mothers' day? Would that also be upsetting?

Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 00:37

Eek, I've made her sound like a terrible grandmother there. She loves my DC dearly and spends a lot of time with them, provides a day a week child care and really dotes on them (one of the many reasons why I wanted to treat her). I think in an ideal world she wanted an adult evening meal so we could all relax, have a few drinks and not have to monitor children's behaviour, but now it's an afternoon thing she'd be happy for me to decide whether or not I wanted to take them with me. But yes, the requirement for me to leave DH at home is out of order. I really don't know where it's coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 00:41

Flomple he'd be fine with it. His DM died 10 years ago and he's generally ok about it (as much as one can be). If he's specifically excluded I think that's worse.

OP posts:
Flomple · 02/03/2015 00:51

Fair enough.

You don't make her sound horrible, just thoughtless. You're right about it being mean to exclude him but also, you having to wrangle 2 small children solo is hardly in the spirit of mothers' day, is it? No matter how much you want to treat your mum.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/03/2015 00:59

Huh?

It's perfectly ok for someone's mother to want to have a meal with her own children, it is also perfectly ok for you to decline the invite.

MidniteScribbler · 02/03/2015 01:29

I don't care how they spin it, I think it's damned rude. It's mother's day, and she wants you to leave your children at home and come and make her the centre of attention. It's pathetic really, and a grown adult with children of her own should understand that a mother wants to be with her own children and family. It's a family gathering, but she's willing to exclude half of her family to make herself feel special. Rude.

TendonQueen · 02/03/2015 02:15

The 'no boys except step dad' point is unfair. It expects you either to ditch all of your own immediate family, or spend the meal wrangling your own DC when surely on Mother's Day you'd be looking to get DH to do that so you can relax? Maybe put it that way to her and say you will have more time to relax and chat with her during the meal if DH is present. But do decline if she says no. It's not like it's her birthday, it's aspecial day for you too.

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