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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off about Mothers' Day arrangements?

97 replies

HootyMcTooty · 01/03/2015 23:15

My step dad approached me and siblings a few weeks ago about booking a meal for Mothers' Day, to treat DM. It was suggested that partners not be involved. I have a DH and two young children, one sibling has a baby. It was suggested that it be an evening meal, which I was fine with as I could spend the day with my family then go out for DM's meal and DH could stay home and put DC to bed. All fine.

Now it appears that although our partners aren't invited DM wants my step father there and he can only make the afternoon.

AIBU to be put out that I'm being expected to spend Mothers' Day away from my DH and children for the sake of DM and step dad's preferences?

I'm really not precious about Mothers' Day, I don't expect presents or any special treatment, but it would be nice to spend my first Mothers' Day with DC2 actually with her doing something nice. It's also my penultimate weekend before going back to work full time.

As I agreed to the evening meal I now feel like my family would think I was an arse if I pull out now it's been moved to the afternoon. I get on well with all my family and don't want to cause upset, but since DH can't do anything with his own late DM I feel harsh saying he can't come. How do I respond to this?

OP posts:

DoJo · 02/03/2015 10:41

So what if your step-dad will be there too.

That's not really the OP's issue I don't think - it's that her husband is excluded from the invitation.

CombineBananaFister · 02/03/2015 10:49

I can totally understand your DM wanting to spend time with just her children - so the evening meal thing = fine.

But now that's no longer 'just' what she wants to do and insists on having only her OH there, I think it's really unfair so would just say no. Maybe she is just being a bit thoughtless and not necessarily mean, not sure but it's perfectly reasonable to explain it to her.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 02/03/2015 10:52

The no boys thing is exactly what my mil would say but 'no girls'!

We're going away that weekend - it's such a shame

firesidechat · 02/03/2015 11:18

Going against the tide a little - it's just a day. And sometimes it's nice to spend time with just parents and daughters. So what if your step-dad will be there too. You are probably over thinking it. Just go along and have a nice meal together.

If it's just a day then the mum can pick another day to have her exclusive meal. She is an adult and much more able to understand that she might not be spending the majority of it with her grown up children. The real children in this scenario might not understand quite so well why they aren't with their own mum.

I have meals with just my daughters sometimes, but it is an "accident" if you like, rather than planned that way. Like last weekend when my husband and sil went to a hifi show together and it was just us women having a meal out. Lovely, but we didn't exclude anyone.

firesidechat · 02/03/2015 11:19

Forgot to mention that my son in law is as much part of our family now as our daughters are. Poor thing.

Tangerineandturquoise · 02/03/2015 11:31

I agree your mum could pick another day for her special meal.
Mothers day for children is about making cards, giving flowers and handmade junkmodelling gifts and generally making a fuss of mummy with a lot of help from daddy if he is around willing and able.

If your mum wants to be feted and celebrated could you not all do this another day, maybe her birthday?

Does she often twist things so that you feel immense guilt for being reasonable? The whole thing doesn't have to be cancelled because of you, it can still go ahead without you, OR it can go ahead another day. But you are effectively being cornered into making a choice your mum or your DH on a day that is special to your children, and so special to him from the sounds of it, and I would be uncomfortable around that.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 02/03/2015 11:33

This sounds like one of those events that start of as a nice idea, get a bit complicated and then get messy almost by accident. Could you just give your Mum a ring and chat it through with her?

merrygoround51 · 02/03/2015 11:33

Mothers Day really annoys me now I am a mother. Before I was a mother, it was fine, I went for a boozy lunch and a bit of shopping with my Mum. My brothers did nothing but I covered it off so fine. Year round I do appreciate my Mum and we spend a lot of time together - trip to the US last year, she is coming to disney with us this year.

Now I am a mother, I am expected to do the same and that really annoys me. My ideal day as a mother is a leisurely breakfast, followed by a seafront/park walk/bike ride with the children and then maybe a late lunch in town. I will ask Mum along but she doesnt like to just fit in with this and will want a lunch that lasts hours and involves lots of wine - just not my idea of fun with children in tow.

2rebecca · 02/03/2015 11:39

As you have kids I think it's bizarre that your mum doesn't expect you to be doing stuff with your husband and kids on mothers day. I'd be sending her a card and flowers but stressing the point that it's your mothers day too and you'll go for a meal with her another day.. I think adults who want to pretend their children are unattached and see them all without spouses and be the centre of attention are a bit weird.
Sometimes you have to upset people a bit to get them to see that other people are mothers and doing more active mothering than them.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/03/2015 12:49

Just say no thanks to the afternoon meal - go and enjoy yourself with your family. It's ridiculous that your family are being excluded from the meal. This has happened to me and DH in the past and we have just refused to go along with it. We are a family unit - we don't leave people at home because somebody else has decided they are not welcome at certain events. No way.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 02/03/2015 14:11

What Shodan said

"I think I'd offer up two options-

Evening as planned (and organised around) or
Afternoon fine, so long as all partners/children can come."

But yes, pick up the phone and discuss it directly. Otherwise, wires will get more crossed and it'll only get worse.

Maybe she needs gently reminding that she isn't the only mother in the family, and it's unreasonable to exclude your family on this occasion.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 02/03/2015 14:15

Not read thread but I think its fine to say afternoon doesnt suit, pm does, you cant make it

CrapBag · 02/03/2015 14:37

Now your sibling is running back and telling your mum you are going to have to speak to her yourself.

Tell her you were looking forward to an adult meal with her and your siblings in the evening but the daytime does not work for you as you have your own children to consider and you will not be going out and leaving them and your DH as it's been made clear he isn't welcome.

Don't let them make you the bad guy. You aren't. Obviously step dad being there is more important to your mum than whether her arrangements suit all of her children.

TooManyMochas · 02/03/2015 14:49

None of the women in my family give a stuff about Mother's Day. None of the women in DH's family gives a stuff about Mother's Day.

So zero angst! It fucking ROCKS .

Come to the dark side people...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/03/2015 14:59

It's not her birthday. You are a mother too so you'd miss out on a chunk of the day with your own DCs. You were prepared to go along to the evening do. I would just say you have a day full of activities and hope DM has a lovely lunch without you.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/03/2015 15:34

I agree... pick up the phone and speak to your mum. It will get worse with other siblings passing on what you've said, you need to have a chat with her and give her your availability. I'd suggest as others have, PM as planned or afternoon with DC and DH included. I think it's totally fine to say you were planning to spend the day with your children and DH and want to do that.

It definitely isn't a relaxing time when you're on your own at an adult meal with kids, and no partner.

Rebecca2014 · 02/03/2015 16:08

Just say you can go the evening meal but not the afternoon one.

Bloody hell this is not a big deal. Why are people dissing op mum, when she has no idea the fuss that is going on in her daughter head? op such a coward she hasn't even talked to her mother, but just bitched to her siblings. If I was your mum, I would tell you not to come and just take my other children!!

Original poster

HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 17:01

Thank you everyone for your input, even those who have given me a good telling off.

Ranting at DSis was not my finest hour, but it was in response to her refusing to take no for an answer on the basis that her DP didn't want to go anyway, so she didn't have a problem with the arrangements, therefore I was being unreasonable. I wasn't bitching about my mum other than to say I couldn't understand what they were all thinking. However, you're right, I should have been an adult about it and just stopped having the conversation with her when it became clear she wasn't going to accept that I wouldn't be attending.

Anyway, I contacted DM and said I was sorry but we'd made plans for the day so I'd have to miss out, but they should just go ahead without me and have a lovely afternoon. I said I'd go in the evening to see her. She's accepted that.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 02/03/2015 17:54

I think that sounds sensible. We all live miles apart so it's rare we'd all be at any parent's for mothers day/ fathers day. if we were the rest of the family would be there too so I find only genetic family getting together with mother's boyfriend odd.

ILovePud · 02/03/2015 18:10

It sounds like you handled that well. Earlier you'd posted If I say no I just know they'll cancel the whole thing and it will be all my fault that DM didn't get what she wanted. Are you still worried this will happen or do you think it's resolved? I was curious as to whether you put yourself under this kind of pressure or whether your family has form for blaming you like this?

Ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2015 18:41

Well, hopefully this might mean that she thinks a little more the next time before she and your SF start saying who can/can't attend family "do's". Having a rant isn't necessarily a bad thing, and even though you probably should have just picked up the phone, on the plus side they are now aware of your strength of feeling on the matter.

Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day! X

fizzycolagurlie · 02/03/2015 19:40

Well done Hooty. Sorted. And you've laid foundations for your / their expectations for next year, etc.

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