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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about Mothers' Day arrangements?

97 replies

HootyMcTooty · 01/03/2015 23:15

My step dad approached me and siblings a few weeks ago about booking a meal for Mothers' Day, to treat DM. It was suggested that partners not be involved. I have a DH and two young children, one sibling has a baby. It was suggested that it be an evening meal, which I was fine with as I could spend the day with my family then go out for DM's meal and DH could stay home and put DC to bed. All fine.

Now it appears that although our partners aren't invited DM wants my step father there and he can only make the afternoon.

AIBU to be put out that I'm being expected to spend Mothers' Day away from my DH and children for the sake of DM and step dad's preferences?

I'm really not precious about Mothers' Day, I don't expect presents or any special treatment, but it would be nice to spend my first Mothers' Day with DC2 actually with her doing something nice. It's also my penultimate weekend before going back to work full time.

As I agreed to the evening meal I now feel like my family would think I was an arse if I pull out now it's been moved to the afternoon. I get on well with all my family and don't want to cause upset, but since DH can't do anything with his own late DM I feel harsh saying he can't come. How do I respond to this?

OP posts:
fizzycolagurlie · 02/03/2015 02:20

I think it sounds unreasonable of your parents to expect you to leave your new family (or part of them) behind so you can celebrate mothers' day with them.

Its weird. Its like they are establishing who is boss (inadvertently or otherwise).

Its YOUR first mothers' day. I think you should spend it with your DP and DC. That's what I'd do and my mother would agree with me. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

CinnabarRed · 02/03/2015 03:15

If your DM wants your DSF there, why can't he cancel his plans so the meal can be in the evening as originally planned?

VegasIsBest · 02/03/2015 05:28

Mother's Day is just a day, mainly for the benefit of companies selling cards. And your mum wants to spend some time with her own kids and not the whole extended family. I don't see how that's selfish of her. Can't you just go and enjoy yourself?

Cliffdiver · 02/03/2015 05:59

Your mum sounds selfish.

She wants a meals with her DH, her DC and her DGC but her DC's DPs are not allowed to come? That horrible, especially when she's aware what an emotional and upsetting day it is for your DH.

Mother's Day is as much 'your' day as hers and you have the right to spend it in a way that will make you happy, ie. with your family you live with.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/03/2015 06:08

Um.....this is not very nice. Not sure what your mum's thinking here but I would be Hmm to receive an invitation like this and be told that DH couldn't come. I don't like all this "blood" relative crap which this seems to be. Even worse that you could take your DC but your to leave DH at home as he's not of the blood.

I would sort this out now before a precedent is set - I don't actually think you are a very nice granny if you are excluding your grandchildren's fathers from family events. Is your older DC old enough to realise that? I would make it clear to your DM that you found it hurtful but your DC will also find it hurtful (I know I would, thinking of my Dad sitting at home whilst we were out - I still would now) in the future.

hestialou · 02/03/2015 06:54

Your dm is totally out of order, Dh is her SON in law therefore one of her extended children? Your mum has had heaps of mothers days to have just her children to herself now it is your turn to do what you want as a mother.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/03/2015 07:01

I can't imagine my parents ever arranging a family occasion then excluding children in law. It's very weird and rude.

NigellasGuest · 02/03/2015 07:15

it's your first mothers day - DM has had loads! Very thoughtless.

MythicalKings · 02/03/2015 07:25

I think the idea of a meal with just your mum, Step dad and her children is a lovely idea. If it kept to the original plan of being an evening do.

The rules changed and you can change your mind as well if you want to. I wouldn't be keen on an afternoon meal without DC and DH either.

ChipDip · 02/03/2015 07:26

You have a really weird family op. I can't imagine a gm not wanting to spend any part of the day with her own gc. Why do you all need to be doing separate meals/ meeting up? Very odd indeed. You're a mum and first priority is your own family, actually it is selfish of your mother expecting you to leave your family. So she wants to spend time with her child, but you shouldn't Confused

Shrekandprincessfiona · 02/03/2015 08:12

I agree with PP.

YANBU.....your DM and SF are.

firesidechat · 02/03/2015 08:40

I think both your stepdad and mum are being unreasonable.

I probably ought to put my cards on the table and say that I don't care much for Mother's Day because it's just a manufactured, commercial event as far as I can see. We did it when the children were little because everyone else did and I would do it now if that's what everyone else wants. I also send my own mum a card.

Do you know what, I would love to have a meal out with my husband and my grown up daughters, but I wouldn't do it because it would be selfish and a bit mean, especially on Mother's Day. It would mean excluding my sil and my other daughter's partner and my baby grandson. I couldn't so it and even if I could Mother's Day is the worst day to demand my daughter choose between her mum or her own family.

In your circumstances I would do as others have suggested - stick with original plan or have the afternoon meal with everyone. If that isn't possible then I would politely decline.

Once grandchildren arrive MD is about the generation with the young children and the ones with adult children could maybe take a back seat.

grannytomine · 02/03/2015 08:49

My daughter's partner has no mother to spoil on Mothers Day. I would feel terrible to leave him out. I can't believe your mother wants to do this. Enjoy you the day with him and your children, just explain to her that you would love to do the evening plan or the afternoon if husband and children included.

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 08:51

'No can do mother as my husband and children are planning on a meal with me! I can go from x pm though.'

EponasWildDaughter · 02/03/2015 08:55

I tend to think that Mothers day is more for mothers of younger children. I'm not saying that adults shouldn't send a mothers day card, or that mums of adults don't deserve anything, of course, but young families trying to rally round a grandparent on mothers day seems odd.

When it comes down to thrashing out who goes where on mothers day, i think mothers of young kids should be able to spend the day with their own little ones and hopefully put their feet up a bit and get spoiled.

Kakaka · 02/03/2015 09:20

I agree. Mother's day is for those doing the hard graft of every day mothering to be spoiled and appreciated.

Spend it with your family and either duck out or ask your DM to rearrange for another day.

Marynary · 02/03/2015 09:24

I think that your mother is being really selfish and thoughtless. It is your day too and it's outrageous to expect it to revolve around what she wants to do especially as this involves excluding your children.

I would point out to her (as she doesn't seem to have realised) that you are also a mother and from now on Mother's day is your day as much (if not more) as hers. Therefore you won't be doing anything in the daytime without your children.

sanfairyanne · 02/03/2015 09:29

oh dear, yes she probably hasnt thought it through but it does all sound a bit 'grand matriarch'. why dont you and her go out just the two of you another time to celebrate both being mothers or some such, but decline the afternoon as your dh has laid on a full day of non stop treats for you as a mother (aka lie a little Smile )

Original poster
HootyMcTooty · 02/03/2015 09:45

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I ranted at my siblings about it and now DM is backtracking, so I know one of the siblings is telling her how I feel about the whole bloody thing. I just don't feel like going along with any of it, it shouldn't be this hard to arrange a family meal without royally pissing people off. If I say no I just know they'll cancel the whole thing and it will be all my fault that DM didn't get what she wanted.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 10:02

hooty - pick up the phone and talk to your mother and just say you are planning on spending the day with your own kids but are happy to go out in the evening as planned.

cingolimama · 02/03/2015 10:26

OP, I agree with everyone here that your DM is BU (I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she just didnt' think it through).

But why on earth rant at your siblings about this? FGS, as Delicious puts it - PICK UP THE PHONE!

It's really not that complicated, OP. And Happy Mother's Day in advance.

EponasWildDaughter · 02/03/2015 10:27

yep, that's what i was going to say :)

EponasWildDaughter · 02/03/2015 10:27

Oh. I meant DeliciousMonsters comment.

Kerberos · 02/03/2015 10:28

Going against the tide a little - it's just a day. And sometimes it's nice to spend time with just parents and daughters. So what if your step-dad will be there too. You are probably over thinking it. Just go along and have a nice meal together.

EponasWildDaughter · 02/03/2015 10:32

The thing is, is was an evening meal with mother and grown up DCs. Nice. All agreed.

But the DM insisted on having her DH there and he cant do the evening.

Simply ring your mum, OP, and say i can do the evening, but not the afternoon.

The ball is then in her court about the meal. Evening with her DCs there but not DH, or afternoon with a mish mash of who can make it among her kids.