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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it isn't always possible for a lone parent to work with preschool children?

150 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 28/02/2015 13:39

I was thinking about this from another thread, but I promise this is not a TAAT.

Depending on the age gaps between the children, nursery or childminder fees could just work out too high making working literally too expensive! Plus, not all work is 9-5 and round the clock childcare in the form of a nanny is beyond many people cost-wise.

AIBU? In a way I want to be told I am but I don't think I am...

OP posts:

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 12:15

Well, "back" is a bit misleading as I don't currently work! But no - I don't think I can. I wouldn't be able to afford the childcare.

Ideally I would like to undertake a small amount of paid work next year (early 2016) but I just don't think I can.

OP posts:

MissPricklePants · 01/03/2015 12:17

I've been an lp for 6 years. Dd is nearly 6. I have worked shift work and it was hard as I had to constantly shift swap to fit with nursery hours! I now work in a school, not as much childcare needed. I don't have a car. I earn 10k but have good qualifications which should help with a promotion this year (hopefully) ex is not hands on sees dd twice a month for a couple of hours. It's damn hard but my job makes things easier than it was after mat leave! Also I have 1 child, I don't know how I would manage if I'd got more.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:20

good turquiose, stay at home if you can at least for a year or two.
There is no glory in putting newborns in daycare and busting a gut to pay for it.

OhFlippityBolax · 01/03/2015 12:29

Why would I benefits bash or be jealous when I've been a LP on benefits?!

I probably am slightly judgy about it and do have a mild air of 'I've done it so can you' because for me, as a disabled parent, it really does feel like some people (not necessarily on this thread!) do make excuses not to work. And yes when I was slogging away and paying for childcare it did grate on me that matey down the way who spent her time screeching at her kids had no intention of ever working and was content to live off taxes paid by other families because they 'don't want to miss out on my baby growing up'. Newsflash. Neither did I but I did it and so do plenty of others.

It's not jealously it's resentment more than anything

IchBinEinNerd · 01/03/2015 12:31

I didn't think you were benefit bashing, I read it that you lacked the breadth of understanding to grasp that because YOU made it work doesn't mean that everybody can make it work.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:34

sounds like jealousy to me flippety.
SOrry but if you are jealous and resentful of someone bringing their kids up on benefits then maybe something else in your life needs fixing.

OhFlippityBolax · 01/03/2015 12:34

No I get that it's not something that works for everyone. Doesn't mean I can't feel optimistic that people will at least try and make it work before they throw out the excuses does it?

OhFlippityBolax · 01/03/2015 12:35

Nothing in my life needs fixing thanks.

ilovesooty · 01/03/2015 12:38

You can't live on benefits with children who are all of school age just because you don't fancy going to work. Not if you've been moved to JSA - you're expected to be actively seeking work. The idea that you can do that is a fallacy driven by the media.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:39

in that case why are you wasting all this energy being resentful of people on benefits? Do you think they have a better life than you do or something.?
Time to get over it and move on. Would you rather their children were cold and hungry then?

climbing · 01/03/2015 12:39

YANBU

I'm a teacher and if I had one child on my own it might just be possible, money wise.

If I had two in my own I'd be better on benefits than working, as the cost of childcare would mean I'd have nothing left over.

It's ridiculous.

meglet · 01/03/2015 12:40

I screech at my kids and work.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:41

thank you Sooty I have pointed that out already, but certain posters have just ignored that inconvenient truth. Some people just read the papers and suck it all up without question.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:42

me too Meglet lol.
Actually I run my own business you should see the tax credits and HB I get it is fantastic!

OhFlippityBolax · 01/03/2015 12:42

I screech at mine too but not to the extent of my former neighbour.

ilovesooty · 01/03/2015 12:43

No problem Sunny - I missed that you'd already said it. I work with job seeking in my day job and I know that the mother of school aged children has to be seeking work if claiming JSA.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:45

that is right sooty but that reality is so often ignored!

girliefriend · 01/03/2015 12:46

I wasn't pulling faces - I was confused!

It sounds like you must have either savings or a private income so you are in a unique position. I still believe in most cases lone parents are better off working, the ideal would be around 17 hours a week so only need to find 2 days childcare and get the benefits of working and childcare tax credits.

However I understand your frustration and hopelessness Op 3 children under 5 on your own is more than a full-time job in itself.

ilovesooty · 01/03/2015 12:47

Exactly Sunny but even the job centre doesn't impose work on lone parents of preschoolers though they expect them to put preparations in place as their youngest approaches school see.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:49

maybe that is why some politicians want to lower the school starting age! get them at school at two perhaps.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/03/2015 12:50

SIL became a lone parent when db deserted her and dc. She was previously a reasonably well paid nurse but it wasn't possible to continue the hours when db left.

She became a carer in an old folks home on minimum wage working night/weekend shifts only and dc slept overnight at gps, this went on for years. It was very tough for her and we helped where possible, but when you work yourself there is little you can do at the time she would need it. She had unpaid time off, annual leave, or had to leave dc with gps when they were ill. She was skint but the queen of cheap days out come rain or shine. I had many a picnic with her and dc sheltering somewhere from in the rain. She made the absolute best she could of a bad lot.

She worked her way up, worked in various roles in different homes in the area and now manages one of the homes and earns a good wage.

Biggest problem she has now is lack of contributions into a pension for herself.

Yanbu, sometimes it isn't always possible as some people wil have very extreme circumstances, but also sometimes it also is but the willingness to try is not there.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/03/2015 12:54

so she had local supportive grandparents? and a kind SIL too?
Gosh she was in a really good situation compared to many.

Original poster

turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 13:22

Girlie - apologies for being snappy. There was already a long thread explaining my situation the other day :) I was just explaining for me, personally, it isn't a benefits thing.

I don't have 3 under 5s though: I have an 8 year old, a nearly-1-year old (!) and am expecting no3 in July. I seem to be having the roughest pregnancy ever which is really impacting on how I feel as well.

The problem is that in theory 2 days work sounds great but finding the same 2 days on a regular basis that covers childcare is tricky. I'm not saying these jobs don't exist, but many PT roles in my experience were originally full time and working parents or people in their 50s/60s winding down negotiate job shares. Other roles are zero hour contracts which don't guarantee the same hours every week and you could easily end up out of pocket by paying for childcare that isn't needed.

OP posts:

girliefriend · 01/03/2015 13:38

Thats o.kay, i get why you are feeling the way you are!! I only have the one 9yo dd and it is hard enough juggling childcare with school commitments and work as well. I have to work one wend in 4 and there is no childcare available for this so I have to rely on family and friends to help out. My next wend to work is in 2 weeks and I am struggling to find someone to have her as family have plans.

I was also lucky in that when my dd was a baby I found quite possibly the only cm in the country who could be flexible with what days dd went to her. Now she is at school it is much easier to be flexible with work (I work 3 days a week but which days are not set in stone) it is still a juggling act though.

Anyway hope you start to feel better soon and things work out o.kay for you

JegErEnStorNerd · 01/03/2015 17:43

Just because the govt makes puts mothers on jsa when their youngest is 7 doesn't mean that they think it's always possible. it's a move that lowers the social welfare bill. They don't care about individuals' stories. They know it will prompt some who mightn't have looked to look and they know that there will be some who can not make it work and some who have no plan to try to make it work. but the end result is that the cost of welfare specifically for single parents will go down. you might think but the cost of job seekers allowance goes up in the next breath. But their thinking is no doubt that single parent allowance is not something you can bank on like before. it doesn't mean that they think it will be easy to find a job. Easy, hard, they don't actually CARE. what they care about is reducing the sw bill.

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