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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bring a wedding gift?

41 replies

SillyPops · 27/02/2015 20:48

My brothers wedding is coming up, it's abroad, it's costing me (and everyone else) over £1000 to get there. They do not live there, and have no connection to the country, that's just where they decided to get married.

Am I unreasonable to not get them a wedding gift? I think in this instance it should be presence not presents!!

My mother was horrified and thinks I'm being really rude. In case it matters, they are both very successful and have everything they could desire, I'm poor and in debt!

Let the MN jury decide....

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 27/02/2015 20:52

I'd do the MSE blagged photobook deal (I think its £16 for a 100 page photobook), take loads of pics while out there, esp of family, and make them a photobook of their wedding celebrations. Then you've done something that no one could complain about, for not much money.

expatinscotland · 27/02/2015 20:53

I wouldn't have gone at all if I were in debt.

YANBU.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 27/02/2015 20:55

I think you absolutely do not have to get a gift for them. Presence is definitely enough. If I were the couple in question, I'd be amazed to receive gifts on top of the cost of attendance.

Having said that, you could get them a small, cheap meaningful present if you're that way inclined? (Not above £10, so that's a limited choice- but you could have fun and buy them something like a vintage 2nd hand boardgame (I got some recently from ebay for less than £5/ or a beautiful crystal/ a candle/ whatever!)

I'd get them a card though, and nothing else.

Have a lovely time Grin

MidniteScribbler · 27/02/2015 20:56

I'd do something like the photobook above, or something sentimental. Pintrest has some great ideas about repurposing old children's toys or sports equipment or something along those lines in to something for their home. Your mother may have a few of his things stored that you could use.

SweetValentine · 27/02/2015 20:58

Yabu. i think you should take a nice card and a token gift.

Feckeggblue · 27/02/2015 21:00

I wouldn't get them a "proper" gift but maybe a card and photoframe or similar

YellowTulips · 27/02/2015 21:00

I think you should bring a gift - but it needs to be within your means.

What about nice photo frame they could put a wedding picture in?

Or maybe make something?

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/02/2015 21:04

Token gift alone is absolutely fine. I couldn't go completely empty handed, though, it's a thing I have

PtolemysNeedle · 27/02/2015 21:06

I think you should give a token gift, just something easy and Weddingy from a card shop, but you wouldn't be unreasonable if you chose not to.

Original poster
SillyPops · 27/02/2015 21:57

Hmm mixed responses.

I've already written them a lovely card, that was a given. But I sort of feel a cheap gift might be worse than none at all...

Perhaps a hand made one?

Or ideas of something cheap that's not tacky? They already have two photographers (yes, two! In case one doesn't quite get the right angle) so I think a photo book would be a little redundant.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 27/02/2015 22:01

YABU. If you are spending that much a little extra as a keepsake for them isn't the end of the world. Not worth stressing about, but the right thing to do.

Bambambini · 27/02/2015 22:04

We went to a wedding in the US recently. We loved it but it cost a lot of money (especially as the couple had chosen a very expensive resort). We felt a card and our effort to make it was enough. It would have been for me if it was my wedding.

wowfudge · 27/02/2015 22:04

You don't have to take a gift to a wedding, wherever it is. It's customary to send it to couple (used to be the bride's mother I think) for them. Do you really expect them to struggle home laden down? Even worse if they're abroad - they probably won't have room in their luggage. That gives you a great get out imo.

ilovesooty · 27/02/2015 22:15

To be honest I probably wouldn't go at all (not helpful, sorry)

ClumsyFool · 28/02/2015 03:02

We got married abroad, totally accepted it would mean that we wouldn't have many guests. We were extremely grateful for those that came and would never ever have expected a present from them. Some still did, which was very kind but we would have never given it a second thought if nobody did. The fact that you're there is enough surely?

however · 28/02/2015 05:59

If people expect you to spend thousands of pounds just to get there, they should stipulate no gifts, IMO.

HRMumness · 28/02/2015 06:24

We have had to attend two weddings overseas in the last two years. First time in Australia for my sister in law and we had our then 10 month old in tow. It cost lot of money! Second time around, close friends who had their wedding in a very remote part of Canada, our daughter was just under two, I was pregnant and we were in the midst of major home renovations. We found out mid trip that it was going to cost an extra 5k for our renovation! Both couples wanted cash gifts. We gave them both just cards and no gifts. If they had the option of registry I would have picked something but we didn't have loads of spare cash around.

grannytomine · 28/02/2015 08:25

HRMumness, did you have to go? When my son and his partner told me their wedding plans and that it would only cost us, me and DH, about £3k for flights and hotel I wished them well and explained I wouldn't be there. £3k to be trapped in "paradise" with my ex and his family was not a price I was prepared to pay.

TwoOddSocks · 28/02/2015 09:49

I would probably just get a very cheap, token gesture gift, like the photo book someone suggested. Not getting one at all feels like an act of protest about the destination wedding.

I don't think YABU to object to the wedding and all it's costing you by the way, I think you'd be totally reasonable to say you can't afford it and just not go. It just seems U to go and then act out your annoyance while there.

RC1234 · 28/02/2015 10:09

It is not so uncommon to not bring a gift. Our wedding was only a few miles away and quite a few guests didn't. We were also inundated with photo frames as quite a few people were short of cash. When you look back though the fact that they made the effort to come matters more and it was a lovely day. That said I am not very materialistic, perhaps you need to ask your bride and groom?

Teapot74 · 28/02/2015 10:20

We had this with my brother and it was a second marriage and they're not short. Was horrified that they didn't ask for presence over presents. Felt I had to buy one, it was costing him a lot more obviously.

Plateofcrumbs · 28/02/2015 10:38

granny that is very sad not to have been able to go to your son's wedding! You would have thought they would have consulted with close family before finalising their plans.

I just can't imagine ever having the nerve to get married abroad 'just because' and expect all my family and friends to go to huge efforts and expense on my behalf. That said I have gone to a number of weddings abroad and had a great time!

TweeStuff · 28/02/2015 10:48

How about telling them that you are going to get them something later on. Perhaps you could offer them a lovely meal at you house or some plants for heir garden. I think it would be good to let them know what your plans are. If the havent specified 'presence over presents' then, I presume, they are expecting gifts.

TweeStuff · 28/02/2015 10:50

I think the photobook would still be nice even if they have professional photographers - it's a different thing altogether.

Nervo · 28/02/2015 10:54

I was very pleased when a few people came without a gift to our wedding. It meant that they felt comfortable to do so.

I have also attended a wedding without a gift. Like you, it was far away and cost a fortune to attend. My friend is still my friend and sent us a thank you for attending.

Concentrate on what is important (it certainly isn't gifts).

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