Feeling Brave- wedding payment thread!

[grumpasaur]

Hello all! My DH was "asked" to be best man for his friend from schools second weddings. DH was also best man at the first wedding.

Anyway we have just received a message from groom about the specific cravatte, blazer, shirt, trousers, and shoes we will be expected to order ASAP from ASOS.

The total will be about £175.

Not only are we already skint, but this wedding is already going to cost us significantly in terms of stag, hen, travel, present, etc.

I told DH he should say we can't afford that cost, but he doesn't want to rock the boat.

AIBu to think it's fucking ridiculous that a) we have been told to pay and b) DH is too fucking chicken to refuse???

Ach, he might have done better to avoid mentioning your birthday and the holiday - neither of those say he really, really can't afford to attend the stag if he gets the suit. They say "I have money but am choosing to spend it on things other than your wedding." This is perfectly reasonable in the real world but not in groomzilla world.

I hope your DH can sort something out.

Why do people plan weddings they cant afford in the first place??! I had ONE bridesmaid because (a) she was my best friend and (b) I couldnt justify the cost of more than one dress! So why the need for 6 groomsmen in the first place.

I hope your DH doesnt cave in OP!

C cove

Absolutely well said

crystalcove I completely agree!

Weddings are (IMO) about PEOPLE not clothes. We let our bridesmaids choose their own dresses and paid for them too. I just can't compute with all this making guests pay for the wedding. It is so so wrong. Don't fucking do it if you can't afford it. GRRR.

I agree with you all.

I think I may send a message that summarises how I feel!! I am so fucking livid and the more I think of it the more wound up I get.

When I read these threads all I can think of is why don't people just say no? And here I am, enabling DH to pussy foot around having to say no.

I don't understand why people don't say no more often either. I think a lot of people do it because they don't like to Be seen to be tight and then when some people do find the courage to say no they make up excuses rather than telling the truth.

Real friends would want you to tell the truth.

I have no worries about declining things that I don't want to do. The more you do it the easier it gets. I am polite and I don't make excuses. I have spare cash but I don't like to spend it on certain things like being taken advantage of I've also got a lot better at being proactive and will ask about costs before agreeing to something.

I am constantly amazed at the millions of threads on MN that could be resolved with a bit of polite honesty. Unwanted visitors, unwelcome car sharers, unfair restaurant bills and the dozens of crazy bridezillas and groomzillas - the answer is easy just say no

"Just say no"
"Just sssaasyyyyy noooo"

Am I showing my age

Its a cheek. What is it with people getting others to fund their weddings? Especially a second one! Admittedly i did buy my own bridesmaid dress years ago , but i was in a position to part with fifty pounds ( could have said no) as living at home , working etc. best to come clean that its not ok. Good luck!

Just send another message. It's a second wedding, FFS!

'When I read these threads all I can think of is why don't people just say no? And here I am, enabling DH to pussy foot around having to say no.'

I did. Ex h's brother, an arsehole, married the daughter of an incredibly wealthy man. They chose to have it over a high holiday in the Caribbean island where her family had this holiday home in a guarded compound.

We were all expected to rent villas in compound at a rate of £3000 for the weekend (no, there was no cheaper accommodation around there, in fact, the compound was heavily guarded and secured), pay for round after round of activities, drinks, meals, the flights for the two of us were about £2000 as it was.

Even if he had gone alone, the cost would have been about £3000 in total.

We had just bought a house and had normal jobs.

There was no way to afford that kind of money.

So he had to tell his brother we could not afford it.

The bride was like, 'Oh, no problem! Why didn't you say something sooner?' and laid on one of the villas they also owned in the compound and the flights.

Her other friends were all the children of multi-millionnaires who thought nothing of dropping thousands in one weekend.

Yeah I'd send a message OP. The groom is very selfish saying your DH can forgo the stag- something he will enjoy- with an outfit that sounds like it needs burning before let alone after.

I'm not sure why people are leaping on the second wedding thing.

DH was married and divorced before he met me, I wasn't - for me it was a first wedding! Why should it be somehow 'lesser' because he had been married before?

Why on earth do these idiot couples have endless 'groomsmen' and all that paraphernalia when it sounds like these jokers can barely afford a suit.

If they can't afford it they should tone it down. All for show. No class.

Hi all-

Just to say, I am also in the just say no camp (am polite but firm and therefore don't find myself in these sorts of predicaments), and so I think that makes me feel so much worse about it, knowing that if I was the bridesmaid and my friend the bride, this would not be happening.

However on more positive news: DH had a bit of an epiphany earlier and I think felt suitably hurt as angry. He sent the groom a (surprisingly!) firm message saying obviously the suit is really important to you, I can't afford both the suit and the stag, so please ask someone else to organise the stag and I won't be able to attend, but will have the dosh to buy the suit. No wishy washy, and really, the only way he could so anything without pulling out, which he doesn't want to do for history's sake.

It's compounded by fact the grooms kids are our god children and the families are long term friends... DH is from a small town and though he has left, many have not!

Anyway will update when groom responds. I suspect a guilt trip but DH is finally angry enough at groom for taking piss that he will actually hold firm.

THANK GOD.

Only one a scoop-

I think people get a bit resentful and cynical about second weddings. In this case, DH has already paid upwards of £500 for wedding transport, presents, accommodation, and stag for this friend, who rushed into his first grand wedding (against all good advice), and is now going the same.

DH will have to give a second best man speech- less than five years later- and most of the guests will be the same.

I think people just get a bit resentful when the weddings are so close together, so grandiose, and so costly. I think this is exacerbated by the cheekiness of the couple and the fact they rushed into having a baby together (deliberately) and have explicitly said this wedding must out do the first wedding...

I understand it is the bride's first wedding... But it does seem an exercise in pretence and the expense therefore seems so much more unreasonable.

Perhaps if there were more time / fewer similarities / less expected, people would feel differently.

Sorry that message was for alabiba../

Only one scoop I agree entirely!

Hmm well at mine the guests were mostly not the same apart from DH immediate family, who were all delighted to see the back of first wife and love me

I'm not sure how long a time lapse there was - maybe 8/9 years? No idea how long he was married to his ex.

We really didn't detect any resentment so this seems odd to me. But then we didn't ask people to spend £££ on bizarre clothes!

"Explicitly said this wedding must outdo the first one"

Oh Op they are utterly crass....and yes I totally see your point regarding the great expense from last time....same guests etc

Glad your Dh isn't going to get pulled in by all this crap....best man could easily become 'best mug'

Good luck

Thanks OnlyOneScoop. It's a small but important step for DH so I am proud of him.

Oddly- DH and I actually met as we were past of the same friendship circle. He had come to uni and met a truly wonderful bunch of people, who I later met through DH's ACTUAL best mate, who I worked with. They are all so lovely and we consider ourselves really lucky to have such good, intelligent, thoughtful, funny people around us.

The groom here is someone DH knew from primary school. They both grew up in the same small town, their parents are friends, etc. DH left to uni and never returned but his mate stayed, got married young, had two kids almost straight away, for divorced young, and started dating new girl before ex wife had even moved out (though relationship had ended). I think the timing of it all and sheer brass neckedness is leading to the resentment; I don't think all second weddings are viewed the same.

They do have some lovely qualities too, and I mean that genuinely- but the overarching materialism and showmanship and crassness just turns me off, and it's hard to remember the good things!

Poor groom. Haven't we all been in a position where you have 6 groomsmen through no choice of your own and have no means of funding them? That's the thing with groomsmen, they just appear in your wedding party without any warning and suddenly you've got a several thousand pound tailor's bill. Why wouldn't you resolve that issue by asking them to pay for your fucking ridiculously lavish wedding?

Shame your husband didn't have the courage to just say, you chose this, you pay.

Scathing- yes I agree. Six groomsmen is nuts! I can ALMOST understand if you had one good friend from each part of your life (in my case I have one from primary school, one from high school, one fr work, one from degree 1, and one from moving to England)... So I could see how it happened...but he has lives in the same small town all his life and went straight from school to the same job... So I don't get how he has SIX "best mates" who he needs to stand beside him.

NB- our wedding was just a big piss up and we didn't bother doing the bridesmaids / groomsmen thing (mostly because we only had two and a half weeks to plan and get married so no time!!!)

only1scoop poor Zammo

Did the groom reply, Grump?

Rude and bad etiquette IMO. If you can't afford to pay for your bridal party's outfits then don't ask them to wear something you choose. DH and I paid for my four bridesmaids' dresses, the dads' and best man suit hire. The ushers we asked to wear whatever suits they want, we just bought them matching tie/pocket squares to wear. I also couldn't afford/justify buying bridesmaids' shoes, and paying for hair/make up, so asked them to wear whatever shoes they fancies and they did their own hair/makeup - I never would've dictated how they had their hair as I wasn't paying for it!