Feeling Brave- wedding payment thread!

[grumpasaur]

Hello all! My DH was "asked" to be best man for his friend from schools second weddings. DH was also best man at the first wedding.

Anyway we have just received a message from groom about the specific cravatte, blazer, shirt, trousers, and shoes we will be expected to order ASAP from ASOS.

The total will be about £175.

Not only are we already skint, but this wedding is already going to cost us significantly in terms of stag, hen, travel, present, etc.

I told DH he should say we can't afford that cost, but he doesn't want to rock the boat.

AIBu to think it's fucking ridiculous that a) we have been told to pay and b) DH is too fucking chicken to refuse???

I give up!

DH says he is going to pull out of stag do to prioritize suit...

Fair enough, but guarantee he will give in when the time comes!

What is with the 'everybody matching' thing ?
Back in the day , the wedding party just wore their best suits . Ok, the chief protagonists i.e. groom , bride's father , maybe groom's father and best man might have bought a new suit (in my case DH to be certainly needed one and I chose it to 'tone' with my dress ) DM was glad to get DF to buy one ditto .And it toned with her outfit not mine! But it would be something you wore again.
What's described above sounds vile apart from anything else
I think in USA the bride/bridesmaids all agree a colour/style and each girl buys a pretty dress she will wear again . A friend's daughters were bridesmaids for their cousin in USA last year-the dresses did all come fom a 'bridal' shop with branches over here and were shades of the same colour but they had different styles .Simple dress that you'd wear for a party.
I also like the USA custom of the friends/relatives all making a cake. They plonk a 'bride and groom ' on one (which I assume gets ceremonially cut)Eh voila! Saves about £400 and it's very personal . I presume they liaise so you get lots of different types (and enough to feed everyone, obviously)

Exactly.

I just can't be doing with it.

DH has agreed to send a message saying he can either afford the suit or to come to / organise the stag, so up to groom which he picks. I am still not happy but it's better than nothing, and DH wants to prioritize saving a long term friendship over causing a rift, which means that any action causing a pulling or forcing out is a no go.

DH is so lovely and sweet and kind but can be a bit of a wiener when it comes to defending himself and setting boundaries.... We are working on that, and I guess the first and next text are steps forward!

Seriously though I am assertive and clear and boundaried almost to a fault so this feels like peeling my own eyelids off with a toothpick.

Ps- I will start a WHOLE other thread about the fucking theme. It's like they want the entire cast to look like extras on the set of a Mumford and Sons music video.

I am going to wear grunge :-)

Wow. Just WOW....

Am slack jawed and just reading this!!! WTAF???

Ok OP I need you to realllllllyyyyyy listen to me here now ok?

I get paid to deconstruct situations and communicate messages (albeit in a slightly different medium to text or e-mail) and I'm - along with all the other PPs! - pretty good at reading BS when I see it.... and OMG is this BS of the highest order! '

'Groom' is (correctly, it would appear thus far...) reading your DH and taking him - and de facto you too - for a total fucking mug. Worse - waaaaaayyyyy worse IMHO - he is doing it on he back of love he knows your DH has for his 'bro'.

DH's message was unfailing useless - it positively INVITED that response. So he needs to comm again, and swiftly. Something along these lines:

'Sorry mate, my fault, I wasn't clear enough. I just can't afford it so much as I'd love to be your BM again, (ditto vis WTAF??!!) I can't afford the clobber that goes with the role, as bottom line is we are still as skint here as we were last time we spoke it. am assuming from your posts that 'Groom' def def DEF knows you are skint already so there must have been convo/s about it? You of all of my mates know all the other costs of the wedding - stag, travel, present etc - and just that lots gonna tip us over! Best plan is you give someone else the honour of being BM at this one and I'll be by your side as normal routing for you from the aisle (& then pissing it up afterwards like we normally do !)

THAT should do the trick? And nooooooooo, do NOT let DH proceed as your resentment will be palpable and (legitimately) very valid, so he needs to make a call between HIS marriage and his 'mate's' SECOND marriage (which PP - correctly - pointed out the odds on in any event.

Just no, NO, NO - and the ONLY 'yes' is that you MUST keep us posted....

Now excuse me whilst I scoop my jaw from the floor...

Viv- that is almost word for word what I said he should write, and I totally and completely agree with you assessment of the situation. It beggars belief and I feel it is manipulative and taking advantage of DH's good nature.

I have read the riot act to DH and the closest I got was his original (ineffectual) message of "can't really afford it mate"... And then after the groom to be's ridiculous response, the agreement he would send a message saying "you pick- stag do or suit".

I feel so frustrated and at a loss as to what to do. If it were me this wouldn't even be a fucking conversation! And how hard to I want to fight over this?!

Rubbish situation grumpasaur.

Can the outfit not be hired?

Is wearing his own best suit a total no go?

Ruffle- DH did ask about hiring and in the grooms response he said very few places hire "'morning glory suits" and those which do cost £300?!?!

The problem is any old suit won't do. No. It has to be brown tweed with a matching waistcoat, a specific plaid shirt, A CRAVATTE, tan slacks and tan shoes.

Think Mumford and Sons meet country hunting?! It is going to look ridiculous- especially so on DH who hates anything hipster with a passion.

I truly don't even know why they are friends- history can only go so far. I think DH feels more obligated to him than he does fondness for him!!!

They had a baby not long ago and had a full fucking iberico ham at the christening. On a special stand with a special knife. In a tacky village hall.

Naturally they had no idea how to cut the bloody thing.

Somehow we were told we would be godparents... Oh I wish I had said no but didn't actually thing is was anything more than a nominal then when I originally agreed!!!!

You can get that ham from Lidl

Setting aside all else (accepting it's a fairly hefty 'set-aside'), THIS:

'It has to be brown tweed with a matching waistcoat, a specific plaid shirt, A CRAVATTE, tan slacks and tan shoes.'

Is just wrong, wrong, WRONG all by itself!!!!!!!!!!!

Tis UTTER madness and yes, you really should put your foot fucking firmly on that brake. There's a line, and this one is so over it that it's like walking over an earth that really is flat and falling off the fucking edge...

Just no, no, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!

Well OP I'm in vivs camp. Here's a boundary and don't step over it and in my world it would be, love too mate but can't afford it, so will just support you from the sidelines.

So, I'm having a little chortle at the thought of these relics from an agatha Christie novel wandering around in their steampunk get ups trying not to be bumped off ( I have a very vivd imagination...oh yes and throw in a few Jimmy Edwards whiskey handlebar moustaches for good measure) and so I tell the sorry tale to OH who incidentally I practically had to wrestle out of a tweed jacket months after we got together.

He says, she obviously doesnt understand men. Now that brought me out of my reverie really quickly because either I didn't understand men either or more worryingly I didn't understand him.

So, I asked what he meant

Well, think about he said. The bloke's obviously thrilled to be asked to be best man and then has to lose face in front of all the other blokes because he can't afford it.

And with that he trundled off to the bathroom.

He's facing his second marriage shortly and he's since managed to smuggle in another almost tweed jacket.

Should I be worried? ;-)

Is this how men think?

Yanbu at all op and your dh is being a real wuss! If b&g ask then they should pay unless they say something

Fucking useless phone

Unless the b&g say any x suit or dress of your choice. If they stipulate they should 100% pay and tbh they should pay if they ask.

Really feel your pain, such a shame he can't just say "I'm not willing to spend this much on something I won't want to ever wear again" it's not just about being skint, it's just a massive piss take waste of money even if you were rolling in £££!

He shouldn't have to pick between suit and stag :( but oh my god if the groom picks the suit what a fucking bastard!! Sounds like he already has though..

Sorry I know i have already posted and am just stating the obvious but just can't believe some people!!

This groom is a dickhead.

I think you need to be brave and tell them that that is just too much money. They know your situation so you don't need to tell them again - just explain politely that you are terribly terribly sorry but you are struggling to find the money for that cost and would really appreciate it if something could be done to lower it. There are many many places offering groomwear hire, so you should NOT be expected to actually BUY the stuff!!

This is a troll thread- worse, they got it from groupon and bragged about how it was a £150 "set" and then only paid something like £48...

Dowser, yes, your OH has hit the nail on the head there. DH is caught between his pride, his sense of obligation to a long standing friend, and his wife & bank account. He can't be the only groomsman out of six not wearing the cravatte costume, and if he refuses to wear it / pay for it, he (probably correctly because the groom is a whiny brat) is worries the friendship will suffer.

I say fuck it- let it suffer- but then I am a callous bitch who has no emotional investment.

So he's sent a message basically saying he can afford the suit or the stag, and if the suit is that important and the groom won't pay for it himself, he'll bow out of the stag and spend the money on the circus costume.

To me, when he sent his first message and the groom basically said "yeah well too bad, it's what I want and I can't afford to pay for it myself", that would have been when DH said "aww listen mate, we just don't have funds so I will duck out and leave you with your five other groomsmen."

Why does no one else say no? Why do we let these things continue? Why does no one speak up???

This is why I send the 'no' messages for DH and he sends mine. Much much easier to do it for someone else!

I would opt out of attending the whole circus event altogether. They sound like a horrendous couple who want an A list wedding paid for by their guests. The groom should really be saving for his second divorce.

MrsAsprey... Exactly. I think if I liked them more, I may be more inclined to help out. The reality is they are not my friends, and they likely would not be DHs friends if there wasn't a childhood history element involved.

I find them showy and materialistic. When you go to their house they don't get up to greet you. They just shout that the door is open. There are photos of their kids on the wall, wearing Liverpool jerseys with the dad's last name emblazoned on them, but the photos were professionally taken and printed onto canvass (does that make sense)!!??

Their engagement was a three month affair- the groom sent three months of clues to the bride to be and each one was a big deal and everyone had to hear about it. One of the clues was a poem the groom wrote about where the final clue could be found; the bride now has part of this quote tattood up the side of her arm.

(I have no issues with tattoos btw but this is so naff).

They are the kind of people who if you go for lunch, they order starters, mains, sides, and pudding whilst you have a main, and want to split the bill (I have put a stop to this).

But mostly, they shout at their kids and call them names and seem to thrive on power and prestige- which is laughable as they are both community cops and totally in debt, both to banks and to the groom's parents (who do most of their childcare).

They do have good qualities too; the bride in particular is quite thoughtful and really goes out of the way for her friends and family... But the groom is a whiny bastard who behaves like a big ol baby when he doesn't get what he wants!

Ice being- I did offer to do so. DH was having none of it! I have no issues sending my own "no" messages though, ha!

Oh dear. I saw this sort of response from the groom after the initial message.

Your DH's inability to just say "we can't fucking afford it dickwad, are you not listening" (or words to that effect ) would drive me mad! Although I think you are already there.

Have you had response yet? What do you reckon the chances of your DH actually not going to the stag do are? You know nearer the time the groom will be all "but you're the best man, you have to be there".

Crapbag, I am hoping to be proved wrong, but suspect the groom will lay on the guilt trip and DH will cave.

I am livid and very tempted to just send a message myself. I am sooooo disappointed in DH (though his good nature is part of the reason I love him, it is bittersweet at times like this), and livid with his selfish "mate".

Considering making myself a strong martini, sending a message, and claiming I was drunk.

Ha ha. Sounds like a good plan. Would your DH go mad if you did?

I hope you're wrong too but I bet you're not. It's exactly what I think he'll do and I don't even know the guy. There is no way he will simply accept one of his groomsmen not being at the stag. It'll be "oh we're only doing X, it doesn't cost much, you have to be there as my best man, wont be the same " etc etc.