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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling Brave- wedding payment thread!

102 replies

grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 21:00

Hello all! My DH was "asked" to be best man for his friend from schools second weddings. DH was also best man at the first wedding.

Anyway we have just received a message from groom about the specific cravatte, blazer, shirt, trousers, and shoes we will be expected to order ASAP from ASOS.

The total will be about £175.

Not only are we already skint, but this wedding is already going to cost us significantly in terms of stag, hen, travel, present, etc.

I told DH he should say we can't afford that cost, but he doesn't want to rock the boat.

AIBu to think it's fucking ridiculous that a) we have been told to pay and b) DH is too fucking chicken to refuse???

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 24/02/2015 21:43

Terrible!

Original poster
grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 22:04

We are composing a text as we speak- think i got my point across that it's not on. DH not happy but at least standing up for himself!

I got in wrong- the groom sent a link to the items, asked DH to send him hi measurements, then put the cost next to each item and said "we are trying to keep the cost down for people but at least you get to keep the outfit"... Etc

Ah yes, perfect for all the time DH will need a tweed blazer and cravatte!!

Oh and the shoes were just specified as "tan" as were the trousers, so although not specific things, an extra cost...

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 24/02/2015 22:06

A tweed blazer and cravat?! What on earth are the B and G thinking? Are they going to arrive on fixie bikes, sporting matching giant hipster beards?

Only1scoop · 24/02/2015 22:06

Is he going on a CP shoot?

missusdaly · 24/02/2015 22:06

YANBU - asking your DH to pay the guts of £200 for an outfit that they are asking him to wear is not on. This could be an Americanism creeping in. Generally Stateside bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their own outfit. I hope it doesn't catch on with UK and Irish couples. I can see couples thinking it's a perfectly normal and okay thing if they spend a lot of time on planning sites where a lot of couples are American.

I believe if you're asking someone to wear a particular outfit you shouldn't be also asking them to foot the bill, especially if it's an expensive outfit.

TwoOddSocks · 24/02/2015 22:08

YANBU if bride/groom dictates what you wear then they should pay for it. I'd just say you can't afford it, you'll choose something cheaper or step down if it's very important to him to have that particular outfit.

corgiology · 24/02/2015 22:09

Can he not wear the same suit he wore for the first wedding? :)

FarFromAnyRoad · 24/02/2015 22:13

Hats off to you for teaching him to stand up for himself. It's such a liberating thing to learn and I hope he comes to enjoy it! Groom's 'request' is beyond ridiculous and it's really a public service to call him out on it. Then he'll also learn something and they can get together and thank you for all of it!

expatinscotland · 24/02/2015 22:13

'This could be an Americanism creeping in.'

No, not for a second wedding. None of that there for second weddings.

louisejxxx · 24/02/2015 22:14

There definitely seems to be too much of this around at the minute.... If I was expected to pay a bridesmaids dress then I would have to politely decline, unless the bride had stated from the start that she wouldn't be paying (but then I would probably say no to being a bridesmaid in the first place!)

expatinscotland · 24/02/2015 22:16

Just be very clear. 'We cannot afford this wedding. I need to stand down now as our finances just do not permit this level of expenditure for anything other than essentials.'

They know you are skint and are pisstaking.

PtolemysNeedle · 24/02/2015 22:19

Good on your DH for sticking up for himself, it had to be done.

missusdaly · 24/02/2015 22:21

I didn't mean that as an insult to Americans, expatinscotland, I just wouldn't like to see this expectation spread. I do think that, regardless of where you're from or where the wedding is held, if you are asking someone else to pay for their outfits you should be an awful lot more flexible about what they wear. Not send a detailed list.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2015 22:29

It's a second wedding. You don't have the money. Just tell him it's a no go and he needs to stand down. Travel, presents, stag and hen do's. WTAF?

Original poster
grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 22:35

I am from Canada, and whilst it is a bit more common to ask people to pay for their own outfits, USUALLY it's an issue of "buy a blue dress", or if it's something specific and expensive, the B&G tend to pay. Or at least have a conversation!

That said, what isn't as common at home is weekend long hen or stag dos and all of the extra costs associated with that. Here it seems to be more and more expected that a hen do or stag do will take a long weekend and cost an arm and a leg to the lucky invitees. It's insane to me, and very selfish.

My WEDDING outfit was less than £200!! So was DH wedding suit. So to me, this makes the demand even more ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 22:40

Also, expat.. I think the cost of weddings is crazy... Travel, presents, new outfits, accommodation, attending the stag do... And these are regardless of whether you are in the wedding party. It's just crazy!

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 22:47

Just as an update, DH sent the following message:

"Hi mate, will send the measurements through when I get a chance. Will the whole grooms party be wearing the same? Just wondering if there is something similar that could be rented or something? Just that I don't have that kind of money free, to be honest, especially with grump's birthday coming up, the cost of stag and transport etc for the wedding. You know I love you lots but there is only so much to go around, and we are trying to put aside some money to go away in November".

Then he sent another message with his measurements. Ironically ASOS doesn't even have his size (which better not result in groom saying that he should just buy something similar!).

OP posts:
CrapBag · 24/02/2015 22:52

Hmm I'm not sure that message is all that clear tbh.

I think he needed to spell it out that you cannot and will not be paying for this. It's a bit wishy washy, sorry.

Original poster
grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 23:14

Crapbag, you are absolutely right.

The response was a bit mad!

He responded to say blah blah blah, I wish I could pay for everyone, but as there are SIX groomsmen plus his two sons, that would be close to £1500 and he can't afford it!!! And then some shit about how DH can arrange a cheaper stag do as "he would rather have a night out pissed with his mates and DH standing next to him in the morning glory suit than a country gent weekend away" (which was originally what DH was told to plan).

DH will NEVER step down as best man but he will have to set boundaries in my view.

I am raging!!! And DH seems to think that is a reasonable compromise?!?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
missusdaly · 24/02/2015 23:20

That's not really a compromise.

Your DH: "I'm sorry, I can't really afford to pay that much. I'm so sorry."

Obnoxious G2B: "Aw, I know, right? Things are expensive and stuff. Yeah. Well, tell you what, 'coz you're such a great mate, just don't throw me as lavish a stag as I had said. It's okay, I don't mind. Really, You shouldn't feel bad. It's not every day a bloke gets married for the second time and it's important to me that you be there. Yes."

What?

Hubb · 24/02/2015 23:24

Absolute bollocks! I am also feeling the rage at it Grump!!

Original poster
grumpasaur · 24/02/2015 23:26

Missusdaly- precisely.

I said he should respond "sorry mate, I really can't afford it, and this year we have a lot of expenses. I have already had the honour of being a BM once so why don't I step down this time... I will still be there standing by you on your wedding day, just from the aisle rather than podium, and can come along to stag do if I can afford it"...

OP posts:
Hubb · 24/02/2015 23:28

What a tosser who needs 6 groomsmen anyway

chocolateorsalad · 24/02/2015 23:33

YANBU.

Similar happened to DP who was best man at his friend's wedding. DS was a pageboy. They went to get measured and DP was told then it would be £200 to hire the suits for DP and DS! DP was surprised, as he had assumed his friend would be paying, but he paid it without a fuss because it was his good friend, he wanted to be best man and wanted his friend to be happy etc etc. I on the other hand was Shock and "WTF?!" at B&G asking people to do them the honour of being a best man and a pageboy but expecting them to pay for the privilege. The ushers had to pay for themselves too. IMO if your budget is X amount, then you should cut your cloth accordingly. X amount should include all these sorts of expenses so people attending the wedding aren't out of pocket to do so.

Reekypear · 24/02/2015 23:35

2nd wedding statistically more likely to fail than the first.

Save your cash.

I've never been invited to a 2nd wedding, I think it would depend on the circumstances if I went.

Like the tosser of husband of a friend of ours who was a alley cat, I'd never go to his 2nd wedding.

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