To ask when/if it's appropriate to smack (historical context)

[HermioneDanger]

I appreciate that viewpoints have changed on this since we were children but I'm trying to process how I was smacked as a child and would appreciate some outside views on it. I don't have children myself so don't know whether I would have smacked them or not (though I hope I'm in the not camp).

My father was quite the disciplinarian when we were young and transgressions of the rules were met with a smacked hand or bum depending on the severity of said transgression. They were harder than taps but weren't beatings, it would be one or two smacks, hard enough to hurt a lot but not bruise, and happened often enough that I can't remember how often, but not so regularly that I would say I was beaten as a child. This continued until my mid teens or so, which is what I struggle with most - making a 15yo hold out their hand or bend over for a smack (hard enough to hurt, so a lot bloody harder than a tap on a toddler) has to be inappropriate at the very least, doesn't it?

So AIBU to ask what you think would have been appropriate and whether you think my father was out of line. And if you do what you'd do about it now?

My mother hit/ beat me a lot as a child, 70s. I was terrified of her temper tbh.

I never really thought about it a lot untl I had my own child. Becoming a mother kind of opened some kind of " doors of perception", if you will. I really resent her, realise how dysfunctional my childhood was, and can,t excuse or forgive.

I,he tried to talk to her about it, she has a selective memory. I look at my own dd and think " how could you". I can,t ever imagine being as physically/verbally abusive to anyone, least of all my own child.

There are big chunks of my childhood I can,t remember. I do know I was very watchful, and skilled in reading the mood of others. I hate confrontation, and I,m a complete people pleaser.

Hitting children is never excusable or understandable in my book. Just fucking horrible.

I was hit as a small child - it was inappropriate. A lot of what my parents did was inappropriate - I am not going to use cultural context as an excuse. When I look at my own DC, I think how could you?

There are big chunks of my childhood I can't remember either Rolling and ditto re being hyper vigilant on reading a situation.
I don't have any contact with my parents now because of ways they behaved even up till adulthood, I can't for my own wellbeing.

My three year old tried to run into the road yesterday. I picked him up and moved him. What would have been the point of smacking?

IMO Smacking shows a decided lack of imagination and willingness to think outside the box when dealing with either prevention or consequences of bad behaviour. The idea that "my parents smacked me and I'm fine, so it's fine to smack my kids" is ridiculous.

alice- I so agree.

amicissimma

Most of us don't feed, or change, or wipe bums of, or bath, or help dress, their husbands, adult relatives and friends. Nor do we chase the adults in our lives out of the house in the morning, or take them to work, or remind them to take the equipment they need, or visit their work places to see how they are getting on. Do people really think we should treat our children just like we treat adults?

I do many of these things for my elderly disabled mother. By your reasoning it's OK to smack her?

quick, mild, lovingly-applied smack

That makes my skin crawl.

Do people really think we should treat our children just like we treat adults?

God forbid we treat them like... ... humans!

captaintripps
*Can we stop referring to it as 'smacking' which seems rather more innocuous.

It's 'hitting'. Pure and simple.*

Agreed. Even worse is the term "tapping"- a very sugar coated term for hitting.

This OP says she was hit every regularly by her father, into her teens. Some of the arguments on here bear no relation to her experience. Nothing to do with keeping her safe. Always to punish

OP My parents smacked us as children - with their hands, flyswatter, wooden spoon, hot wheels track, slipper, shoe, belt.. Always as punishment.

It's something I struggled with in regards to our relationship as adults. My father is passed away. My mother has since realised that smacking/hitting children is inappropriate and while she's never really gone into detail about it or discussed it at length with me, I note that she would never smack or hit her grandchildren. I don't live near her, and she is elderly with health problems. I decided a few years back that I had two choices - to hold it against her and nurse that anger, or let it go, accept that she has changed for the better, and try to have a relationship with her while she is still alive. I chose to let it go. We don't discuss it, it's just gone. I cannot dwell on it, as IMO it was years ago and chasing after that anger and resentment will only make me bitter and angry.

I will say that I do understand to some extent why they did it. Both of them were raised that way - very strict parents with 4-5 siblings raised in the 30s and 40s. Child rearing was much different then, and the approach to discipline was much different. I'm not necessarily excusing it, but I do understand it to a degree. It's much the same reason they were emotionally distant from us as children as well - both of their parents were very non-demonstrative as well.

I have chosen to raise my dcs differently, and I'm happy with that.

As I see it-smacking/hitting is never appropriate.
1950s-60s-it was the standard punishment of most families and teachers (Teachers= ruler on legs, home-anything from a smack on the bum to hitting with slippers etc).
We were hit at school a lot-just for making mistakes with work.

1970s and 80s-still used but seen more as a shameful parenting failure and generally not seen as a good thing.

1990s onwards-less and less acceptable but some parents still slapping when they lose their cool-ranging from quick slap to totally unacceptable hitting.
Smacking is never helpful and never appropriate.

Im a 70s child and can only remember being smacked once when I was about 5. At school, caning on the backside or hand was regarded as acceptable punishment along with the strap, whack round the ear or having a blackboard rubber thrown at you. I would have thought being smacked on the hand or backside by a parent when in my teens would have been a bit strange though

I was smacked as a child in the mid to late 90's. (23 years old). The majority of my friends were too. Usually doing something unsafe, or for being cheeky and defiant. We all turned out different, some good, some bad. Some turned out bad (have spent time in jail) that were never smacked, and I think I turned okay and I was smacked. A slap around bare bum until about 5 or 6, then an over the clothes back of legs or bum slap. I think we all stopped being smacked by about 8 or 9? By that stage we were grounded or had things confiscated. I was hit once (a slap to face) for coming home high on drugs when I was 14, but think my mother was at the end of her tether with me. We live in a working class estate in Belfast, so maybe a cultural thing? I know tons of parents who still smack their kids. Still acceptable here. Being smacked as teenager was rare though, unless you'd done something really crazy (like been caught throwing petrol bombs, or housebreaking) then you'd get a "good hiding" (usually boys).

Is it true the French still smack their children?

Many of us might have smacked our kids just the way our parents did if we were parents back then. It's become pretty unacceptable now but it doesn't really make us better parents because we don't smack or rarely smack - compared to our parents.

Some of the stories here, the violence was obviously way over the top even for back then.

I just came across this thread. A conversation I just had with my mum lead me here.
My son is 33 days old. He is quite a grumbler pretty much all day since he now hardly sleeps but doesn't cry and seems quite advanced already. He's like a wee moany old man who is obviously very bored.
I made a joke to my mother that "I can't wait until he's old enough to recognise what we're saying so I can tell him to shut up". I wouldn't actually ever say that and was expecting my mum to laugh and say something jokey in return, but instead she turned around and said "No, you never tell a child to shut up, you say something like no be quiet, etc". " Telling a child to shut up is scummy".
And I was so close to saying, "But it was alright for you to continuously beat me with a slipper through out my childhood instead". I hated that slipper. I hid it in the attic amongst the insulation when I was old enough to climb up there.
My mum suffered from a lot of depression when I was young but she only ever sought help for it once and ended up on antidepressants, for how long I don't know. My father was abusive towards her but she left him when I was 4 months old and they were only married for around a year.
But when she said that, it made me feel angry, like really angry.
I would never dare hurt my son like that no matter what he did. Even if he was to grow up abusive and beat me, I'd sooner turn him into the police than hit him back.
I was born in 1994.
I don't think there's any excuse for beating a child in anyway. I feel it's a reflection on your own character and lack of strength/coping mechanisms. It's a lapse in judgement and a weakness.
And it goes the same for everyone.
There are exceptions like if you were actively in a fight and were defending yourself, then okay.
That's my take on it.

I was born in 1969. My dad never laid a hand on me. While he condoned smacking as a form of discipline, he felt it inappropriate for a man to smack a girl. I had no brothers, so not sure if he'd have smacked them.
My mum smacked me, typically in extreme anger when she'd lash out at my legs/bottom, but it was very rare. I also remember her back handing me on the mouth when I was 12 for 'cheek', an action she told me years later she was ashamed of.
At primary school, teachers would smack our bottoms in the classrooms in infants, or for serious incidents we would go to the headmaster to be smacked with a slipper. This was on the bottom, girls as well as boys.
By secondary school it was the cane, but as far as I'm aware, on hands only. Again by the male head. Usually only boys.
When I raised my children in the 90s I would hand slap for dangerous behaviour like reaching for something hot despite being told no, but have never smacked their bottoms or any other part of them, and nor has any other adult in their lives.

I'm 55, so was brought up in the 70s. I did get smacked, but not very often. I had to have done something really bad to get smacked! I had friends who were hit with a belt or a slipper and it was just the norm back then- we didn't think anything of it!

I suppose you have to remember that up.untill the early 80 s you could get caned etc at school, I can't remember the year but I remember there was a campaign to stop coprporal punishment in schools
And i guess some parents thought itcwas OK too.

I was hit in the 80s and probably 90s. I can't remember when it stopped, but she didn't need to actually hit any more once I was a teen. I would cower at a raised hand or a look. It "wasn't abuse" because it was an open hand, and left no mark. It was not okay. It could be for anything. Being untidy, crying, whatever. My earliest memory is of my sister and I trying to hide, and her being dragged out. We'd messed up a tidy storage cupboard. Definitely naughty, but I can't forget us cowering in that corner and then my sister being grabbed and dragged out. If I cried about something and didn't stop when told she'd start slapping. I was sent to bed one day for being naughty in some way, she came in to talk to me, I was still crying so she went wild just slapping and slapping as I hid under the covers. Then I would be told I'd made her do it. She would cry, and say look what you made me do. No adult picked up that something was wrong, or helped me, because "smacking is okay." Sorry, no. It was never okay.
As an older teen in the late 90s, I was not allowed to refuse a hug from her partner. He thought it was funny I would stiffen up when he did it. She would just look at me, and I'd know I couldn't move. It took me years to get rid of that response. I was at university and someone could lift a hand quickly and I'd flinch.
We don't talk any more. My sister left without leaving an address years before I did.

I was slapped at infant school in the 50s. At junior school the boys (but not the girls) were caned.

Slapping is clearly wrong, both the quick unthinking slap in the moment, and the cold, calculating hold a child over you knee, bare their backside and give a good spanking type of slapping. But it was the norm in the 50s and 60s, and you'd have been regarded as a bad parent if you didn't do it. So I don't think you can blame parents for doing it.

Any more than we would be expected to be blamed if in 50 years time eating animals is universally recognised as unacceptable beahviour

One friend's father used to use a horsewhip on her. Even at the time that was felt to be a bit much.