To ask when/if it's appropriate to smack (historical context)

[HermioneDanger]

I appreciate that viewpoints have changed on this since we were children but I'm trying to process how I was smacked as a child and would appreciate some outside views on it. I don't have children myself so don't know whether I would have smacked them or not (though I hope I'm in the not camp).

My father was quite the disciplinarian when we were young and transgressions of the rules were met with a smacked hand or bum depending on the severity of said transgression. They were harder than taps but weren't beatings, it would be one or two smacks, hard enough to hurt a lot but not bruise, and happened often enough that I can't remember how often, but not so regularly that I would say I was beaten as a child. This continued until my mid teens or so, which is what I struggle with most - making a 15yo hold out their hand or bend over for a smack (hard enough to hurt, so a lot bloody harder than a tap on a toddler) has to be inappropriate at the very least, doesn't it?

So AIBU to ask what you think would have been appropriate and whether you think my father was out of line. And if you do what you'd do about it now?

I was born in the late fifties and was smacked once by my mother on the legs, my father would never have hit us. I think that my mother was ashamed that she had lost control that day. Myself and my sister were ready to go out to a family occasion and I ran under an apple tree and ripped my dress, she was extremely stressed and slapped me.

I also just slapped my DD when she was a toddler once or twice out of sheer frustration and really regretted it afterwards. I am glad that hitting children is becoming outdated and hope that one day it will be an offence.

OP in my opinion your father was way out of line, what you do about it now is up to you, I would probably leave it be.

I was smacked but sometimes didn't know what I'd done wrong and it also taught me to hit other people.

Agree with workhouse, your father was way out of line :(

child of the seventies. mum was quick to smack, but we did get 2 warnings. first 'the look' then a hissed 'behave yourself' if you chose to ignore them then you got a smack and sent to your room, which in those days had nothing but a bed and wardrobe in it, so it was boring.
As we got older she stopped smacking and instead we got a long lecture. tbh I would have preferred the smack, the lectures were worse.
All parents smacked that I knew of at that time and it wasn't unusual for neighbours to give you a smack if you were misbehaving. You wouldn't tell your parents about this because then you would get a smack for bringing the shame on them.
We always knew exactly what we were being punished for, there were no random beatings.

Smacked often and harshly throughout my childhood and teenage years - 70s and 80s. Mum used a wooden spoon, dad used a leather belt. It was always because they said I was 'cheeky'. They are hardline evangelical Christians, and used their beliefs as justification. I have moved on, lived my life. But have always had problems with self-esteem and managing anger, and I hate my parents and probably always will.

Me and my siblings grew up in the 60's to 8o's. I seem to remeber my mum often smacking us. She had a vice like grip and an iron hand. It could be for all manner of things. One of her specialities was to grab your arm, hoick you up and do a series of windmill smacks on your bare legs as you tried to dance out of her reach. Joy.

The last time I was smacked was 14, when I tried to argue my case against my mother and was walloped by my father for giving cheek.

After that, I gave up, kept my head down and hoped I would get to university and get a chance to grow up like a normal person.

Flunked university because I went there for all the wrong reasons, but had a great time.

I grew up early 90s and was never smacked. Apparently i got the occasional tap on the hand and 'dirty burny dead' my mums way of saying 'touch that and its going to hurt'

No, this is not appropriate. To be honest, this sounds as if he enjoyed it. It sounds as if the smacks were 'controlled', and not done in the grip of rage (which is also bad, in a different way). Being smacked, especially as a preteen/teenager is humiliating. I would be very concerned about a man who enjoyed humiliating his child.

Op, I think feel the same way as you. I'm confused about how I feel about it, I was smacked very regularly with a cane across the bum very hard, hard enough to leave deep red marks and more than just one or two hits at a time (more like6,7,8-in fact the more I pleaded not to be hit the more strikes got added on) this was for what I believe wasn't particularly very naughty behaviour as I was quite a shy child. But I don't have a bad relationship with my parents now in fact I'm quite close with them, Im still not happy about the way I was disciplined though..I know they did it out of love (and if I didn't tell them I loved them afterwards I would get another strike) it's what they believed was right even though I think it was out of step with other children my age in the 90s and up to probably my early teen years. Hopefully you can come to terms with it and process it in your mind, for me I just try to keep it separate in my mind, now I'm older our relationship has changed and we love eachother so I try to accept that they had different beliefs regarding discipline than I do and I know I'll never lay a finger on my ds and I'm sure they'll respect my decisions about how I raise my child.

I was smacked once (grew up in the 70s and 80s). I was 12, and had shouted and slammed the door. My mum did it and later admitted she was venting her anger, and was very sorry.

Yes, smacking was less frowned on then, but it did not make it right. We know and care more about child psychology and child development.

My mother smacked us all the time. She was a manic depressive, although I didn't know that until I was older and could understand. All I know is that we got smacked around the head or body for the slightest transgression of her ever changing rules. Smacking is abuse. I have never, and will never, smack my children. They will never have the same memories of growing up that I have. My mother has been dead for 3 years. I have never visited her grave.

Op.

I hesitate to ask this, but your feeling disturbed by being smacked on the bum as a teenager, is also what struck me. It has sexual overtones.

Alternatively, smacking a teenage girl seems, to me to be a way of infantilising her, keeping her young.

I think you need to explore what it means to you

We all have very different familial set ups and have processed our childhoods to greater or lesser extents
Smacking in the context you describe sounds v normal to me. But my life is utterly different than yours

That is not to say that what you experienced is or should be normal or acceptable for you.
You need to examine your feelings with a therapist. Trying to deny feelings you. Have or rationalise them because of internet consensus isn't that helpful in this case.
Explore your feelings

Yarp

I think it is inappropriate and unhelpful to suggest a sexual element to what the OP describes.

That's a good point Ronald

What has been described here by many people upsets and disturbs me

X post Ronald

Perhaps - OP I hope I have not upset you by reading between the lines

It was the use of the word inappropriate in the first post

I was smacked as a child, grew up knowing that it I cheeked or disobeyed either parent I needed to be out of reach. Probably the last time was when I was around 13/14, but that was me pushing my mum beyond her limited patience, not a measured punishment. Smacking a teenager as you describe was probably not usual at the time, and I can understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable. Unless you lived your teens in terror of your father though it's probably exaggeration to call it abuse, more a refusal to see you as an emerging adult, perhaps?

If you feel strong enough you could tackle your father about it. But overall i think and hope we should forgive our parents for their mistakes as we'd like our children to forgive us for ours. Which is not denying when they have hurt us or where we have damage to heal. As an adult, do you think your father did his best to be a good parent?

I think there is a lot in the infantilasation/refusing to see you as an emerging adult thing.

Others my age did not have this at the time, so I know it was not usual.

I have talked with my father (not specifically about smacking but more about his childhood and about when he met my late mother - he likes to talk about this) My parents (esp mother) had parents who overstepped the mark and infantilised them, even as adults. It is a bit ironic really. They got the message with the younger ones, but not with me as the eldest.

I have never felt the need to smack my 3. I remember that the pressure and warnings would rise until someone was smacked, it sort of became inevitable, so I have just not gone there. I think you need to learn to have difficult conversations. My parents were denied it and passed it on, so I am learning from the children.

There were several smacking incidents I remember very clearly indeed.

It also says that spanking is bad as stops kids exploring the world.

^^^^^

This rings very true!!!!

Times I remember being smacked was for drawing on the walls aged 4; also when we had a friend round, and we got out everything in the loft. I would have appreciated being told that these were wrong and not to do them again; but no, smacking was the first resort.

I considered smacking a huge injustice if it was for something which I didn't yet know was wrong. When I was 7, a man in the street unexpectedly stopped walking, and I bumped into him. I said he shouldn't have stopped; I was told he was blind (how was I to know?), and then I was smacked. Utterly pointless, it made me cry in public for no reason, and completely ruined the day. When my brother was smacked for doing something he didn't know was wrong, I almost cried in sympathy.

This and other such moments meant I grew up with a terrible reluctance to do things without being told, in case they were wrong. I didn't get over this until I was about 23.

Despite my loving parents' best efforts, the one-sidedness of childhood was one reason I hated it with a passion; that adults were all-powerful and could do things children couldn't (such as smacking); they were allowed to say "I am not sorry at all". How many times as a child are you ordered to say sorry when you don't mean it?

I longed to be grown-up for as long as I can remember, and I have not changed my mind! I am now very happy at the age of 35.

I was born in the late 70s and wasn't smacked until my mum remarried (when I was 6). My step dad started smacking me (hard, on the bum) for quite minor things. That then escalated to hitting me with the buckle end of his belt or the giant wooden hand (looked a bit like a giant love spoon but with a hand at the end instead of the spoon part). The belt used to bruise me dreadfully, and I was often cut by it.
In my early teens I said some unkind remark to my little sister - his daughter - (not horrendous but not that nice) and he overheard. He raced up the stairs, grabbed me by my throat and threw me into my bedroom. He then beat the crap out of me, ripping my clothes in the process. My mum came home later, wasn't that happy (mainly because she had to sew my clothes up) but said I'd probably deserved it. I rang my grandparents and they drove over to take me away. Not long after that, my grandfather told my mum that if she didn't get a divorce from my step dad, he'd get the police involved. About a year later they were divorced and it was such a massive relief to me. I actually cried the day I found out.

Prettypenguin - that's really sad, hope things got better after that!

Thanks Bambambini - things got a little better (I wasn't beaten any more) but my mum remained as disinterested and selfish as previously. I left home when I was 16 so got away as soon as I could!

70s/80s i would get smacked for something serious or threatened with a smack i knew would come if i didn't pack it in, a smack on the bum/back of legs

I don't smack mine, have threatened to but they know i won't so that doesn't work. I have never ending battles with mine, some thing's that would have been nipped in the bud for me and my siblings. I think our smacks were in context, don't know how to explain it, we had to have done something pretty bad to get smacked.

It hasn't done us any harm that i am aware of, we wern't smacked for nothing, we had to have done something, we were threatened with a smack and because we had had one we knew it would happen so stopped whatever we were doing

I was always adamant I would never smack my DC and that if I ever did I was definitely at the end of a long tether and needed to take a 'break' if you like. I have come close at times, particularly with DC2 who is an extremely 'testing' child but I've managed to remove myself from the situation. I have, however, shouted on numerous occasions which I also said I'd never do because it solves nothing which is true, it really doesn't but the three of them have wound me up to that sort of state and I always feel like shit afterwards.

I was beaten by my stepdad and it's still psychologically damaging to me now all these years on. This was in the 90s. It was never just one smack, it was about ten until I stopped breathing with the pain . I have every form of anxiety going and I went from being a very extroverted child to an introverted young adult and now adult.

I don't think one smack is necessarily abuse. The parent/child relationship is probably the most intense there is and you really are pushed to your limits at times with them. I can see how sometimes the natural reaction is to throw out your hand. DS has laughed at me telling him off before and after a really hard day with them I can say the urge was definitely there but I have the ability to talk to myself and tell myself it isn't worth it. Sometimes the smack is out of love as well, if you smack their hand away from a hot stove for example.