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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when/if it's appropriate to smack (historical context)

151 replies

HermioneDanger · 24/02/2015 13:09

I appreciate that viewpoints have changed on this since we were children but I'm trying to process how I was smacked as a child and would appreciate some outside views on it. I don't have children myself so don't know whether I would have smacked them or not (though I hope I'm in the not camp).

My father was quite the disciplinarian when we were young and transgressions of the rules were met with a smacked hand or bum depending on the severity of said transgression. They were harder than taps but weren't beatings, it would be one or two smacks, hard enough to hurt a lot but not bruise, and happened often enough that I can't remember how often, but not so regularly that I would say I was beaten as a child. This continued until my mid teens or so, which is what I struggle with most - making a 15yo hold out their hand or bend over for a smack (hard enough to hurt, so a lot bloody harder than a tap on a toddler) has to be inappropriate at the very least, doesn't it?

So AIBU to ask what you think would have been appropriate and whether you think my father was out of line. And if you do what you'd do about it now?

OP posts:
Wherediparkmybroom · 18/04/2015 17:34

I have very little time for those who have never nursed an elderly relative, have never held them when they cry, and have never payed them out when they are dead, yet pull out this same anti smacking argument every thread. I would rather my children lived to old age personally.

AGirlCalledBoB · 18/04/2015 17:40

I grew up in the 90s and was smacked a handful of times when I did something really bad.

It's odd, because I don't smack my son because I think there are better discipline techniques but I do not judge either of my parents. Both of them were smacked as children, it was a lot more normal for them to punish that way and I had a really good childhood.

ArgyMargy · 18/04/2015 17:42

I have little time for people who think children are adults.

amicissimma · 18/04/2015 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wherediparkmybroom · 18/04/2015 17:58

All I can say is my children have now asked and asked again about where someone goes when they die...... I am so glad that I am sure of a life after, my mum is finding it far more difficult.

Wherediparkmybroom · 18/04/2015 18:02

To those who are humane, would you be willing to take you're parent into your home, put your grand ads/dads willy in a bottle, wipe up vomit and shit and sit into the night with them when the painkillers don't work. And then you get up with your kids and go again.
Or
Care home

fulltothebrim · 18/04/2015 18:03

wheredidiparkmybroom- CRAP
I have very little time for those who have never nursed an elderly relative, have never held them when they cry, and have never payed them out when they are dead, yet pull out this same anti smacking argument every thread. I would rather my children lived to old age personally.*

I have seen and nursed both my grandparents and my father - currently nursing my mother.
Don't pull that shit please,

Never felt the need to hi any of them.......

Wherediparkmybroom · 18/04/2015 18:05

Fulltothebrim you're my hero! I am just human

fulltothebrim · 18/04/2015 18:05

Poor you whredidiparkmybroom- and yes I have had similar experiences- I don't know why your "poor me" story give you a ticket to samck.

fulltothebrim · 18/04/2015 18:08

ild, lovingly-applied smack up

amicissimma- so thats is Ok for men to to to women too?

I even find your language disgusting.

fulltothebrim · 18/04/2015 18:10

wheredidIparkmybroom-

I am just human does that include hitting people?

peggyundercrackers · 18/04/2015 19:20

I was smacked as a child and all my friends were too, some of their parents continued to hit them well into teens if not further. Some parents were open about hitting their kids but tbh some of them deserved a smack given their behaviour, thinking back some of our behaviour was appalling and I wouldn't stand for it from my kids now but as kids we certainly pushed boundaries.

OP what you are describing is normal for the time, I don't think it unusual at all.

I would be fine with smacking my kids if I thought the situation called for it. Never had any call for it though up to now and hopefully it will stay that way - if I had to do it I certainly wouldn't be feeling guilty about it nor would I be thinking I've failed as a parent.

Bambambini · 18/04/2015 20:46

True, our parents were probably treated a lot more harshly than we were as kids and we're possibly even quite progressive even if they smacked now and then.

I prefer not to smack but have a few times. I'm glad much fewer parents smack these days. Though I'm sure some parents who don't smack ever, can be more abusive than some parents who smack. So I don't think smacking necessarily makes you a bad parent.

I remember trying to get my little one to sit on the naughty step, a light smack would probably have been less traumatic and drawn out.

FrizzyNoodles · 18/04/2015 21:31

My mum used to lay into me until I was about 14 when I wouldve been about her height. I wasn't too bad as a child it was either trivial things or things my brother had done. I'm in my 30s now and don't have much of a relationship with her. I don't have a lot of sympathy when she talks about her ex husband (not my dad) hitting her. He wasn't as abusive as she was to me.

thegreylady · 18/04/2015 21:57

I was born in 1944 and was never ever smacked as a child. My dad threatened but neveractually hit me. When I was a teenager I remember standing at the top of the stairs with mum at the bottom brandishing a broom shouting, "Come here and I'll kill you"!
My dc were born in the 70s and I was guilty of a very occasional bad tempered single slap on the legs and I once smacked ds when he went off with a friend after school without telling me.

CaptainTripps · 18/04/2015 22:03

Can we stop referring to it as 'smacking' which seems rather more innocuous.

It's 'hitting'. Pure and simple.

mygrandchildrenrock · 18/04/2015 22:12

Actually I do think there is a difference between smacking and hitting.

Nake99 · 18/04/2015 22:21

I was smacked as a child (80/90s) but not often to the point i cant really remember a particular instance. I was made to feel very loved and secure at the same time and knew a smack meant i had crossed the lines . I am one of those people who think it didn't do me any harm.

I would go a far to say I'm glad i was smacked on occasions. When i was 15 i fell into a bad crowd and lied to my mom for months that i would be staying over at a friends house that she knew and trusted. However i was actually doing all nighters in a park/at random houses, drinking lots, smoking goodness knows what. One day my mom found out and she picked me up and i got a whopping i was then grounded for a year with a strict curfew. Some may say my mom was out of line to do that but i was soooo grateful and still am. it got me out of a bad situation that was a minefield of peer pressure. It reminded me of the boundaries and with that i felt secure.

HermiaDream · 18/04/2015 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

5Foot5 · 18/04/2015 23:14

Bending over for a single smack, even at age 15, would not have been considered abusive at the time by most.

I think it would. In the 80s/90s?

I was born in 1962 and I honestly can't remember being smacked by my parents. If they ever did then it must have been when I was very young and didn't make any lasting impression. They were not right-on liberals either and certainly as children they had both been physically disciplined and believed "It didn't do me any harm." Yet they clearly didn't see it as a necessary way to keep my sisters and I well-behaved.

We knew that if we stepped out of line there would be consequences but that certainly didn't involve physical punishment.

meandjulio · 18/04/2015 23:23

My mother sort-of smacked me once in the 70s, an end of tether moment that hugely sobered and impressed me; it was clear that she was extremely tired and stressed. I didn't feel 'punished'. Other than that, nothing. I am glad that smacking is not in my parenting vocabulary tbh as I am not sure I could control it.

A friend who was smacked as a child and doesn't have a problem with it was today talking about smacking her three-year-old. She smacks her on the face and was surprised that her daughter smacks her back. I'm not.

maliaki · 18/04/2015 23:59

From my experience I'd agree with poster who said the majority of those who smacked probably considered themselves to be going lighter then they got. Reading this thread, some of the parents sound like real sadists like they enjoyed it- im not surprised people went nc at the abuse.

Yes I was smacked on a couple of occasions I remember, by mum not dad since just his disappointed face made me feel awful. It was acceptable at that time. Mum reacted rather then acted and cried after. I remember next doors mum had a 'famous slipper' and up until the time they left home they were still bent over a table and punished which I found really sucking weird. Why they bent over I don't know. Sadly I would guess they felt they couldn't say no.

MerynFuckingTrant · 19/04/2015 00:05

I don't think smacking is ever acceptable but I do know people who were smacked occasionally as a child who describe their childhood as happy. I do not agree with smacking and think there are better ways to parent.
I was smacked beaten as a child very regularly and also abused in other ways too. My childhood was horrendous. I was "smacked" until I left home at 19.

EustaciaBenson · 19/04/2015 00:06

I was a child of the 80's and 90' and I was smacked well into my teens, usually because my mother was irrationally angry, she was emotionally abusive as well, usually it was on the body or hand, but sometimes across the face hard enough to send my glasses flying. It was pointless and taught me nothing about bad behaviour just that my mother didnt like me very much

MerynFuckingTrant · 19/04/2015 00:12

In my opinion all smacking is abusive or certainly has the potential to be.