To ask when/if it's appropriate to smack (historical context)

[HermioneDanger]

I appreciate that viewpoints have changed on this since we were children but I'm trying to process how I was smacked as a child and would appreciate some outside views on it. I don't have children myself so don't know whether I would have smacked them or not (though I hope I'm in the not camp).

My father was quite the disciplinarian when we were young and transgressions of the rules were met with a smacked hand or bum depending on the severity of said transgression. They were harder than taps but weren't beatings, it would be one or two smacks, hard enough to hurt a lot but not bruise, and happened often enough that I can't remember how often, but not so regularly that I would say I was beaten as a child. This continued until my mid teens or so, which is what I struggle with most - making a 15yo hold out their hand or bend over for a smack (hard enough to hurt, so a lot bloody harder than a tap on a toddler) has to be inappropriate at the very least, doesn't it?

So AIBU to ask what you think would have been appropriate and whether you think my father was out of line. And if you do what you'd do about it now?

Unfortunately, having discussed physical punishment with my friends, I think I am pretty much alone in having a mum and dad who didn't smack or believe in smacking in the 1970's. My mum lost it once and smacked me on the back of my legs but really I don't count that, although I do remember it, as she bitterly regretted that momentary loss of control. My friends were smacked a lot, and several hit with implements. Getting the cane was also a huge fear at school as that wasn't abolished til after I left primary, even though it was pretty much only boys that got it.

It makes my blood run cold to read these stories to be honest and quite striking how the culture has changed. I don't remember so much hearing about older teens getting hit though even then, I do remember it more up til about 10/11.

And, to answer your question, asking a 15 year old to bend over and get hit on the bum does seem inappropriate to me, even by the standards of the time. I really don't remember any of my friends describing that, although this all went on behind closed doors so it is hard to say.

Glad your grandad had some sense Penguin!

I was smacked as a child and don't really.think anything of that...just a sharp "behave yourself" slap on the bum that didn't really hurt.

The slapping me across the face, the throwing me down, the yanking my brother's head by his hair...well. I think something of that.

What bothers me most is that my mother gets huffy with me when I discipline my DS at all. If he's punished by losing screen time or if she hears DH tell him off, she gets a total cat's bum mouth and gets angry because DS is an angel and can do no wrong in her eyes. However I have clear memories of being DS's age and her slapping me across the face, very hard, first one side and then the other. Would she rather I did that?

I grew up in 60s too, I was smacked once, (well I say smacked, my dm caught the back of my skirt as I dodged past).
My dm once told me never smack in anger. (Think about it...)

Smacked, punched, hit.

I struggled (and still do if I don't watch myself!) with self esteem, still angry about it, still cannot view my Dad as a whole person more so as someone who hurt me very badly. I see so many people who say 'It didn't do me any harm' but, and this may sound judgmental, these people aren't as fully-functional as they might like to think and my view is 'yes, it DID do you harm'.

I don't think it does good. I think It's lazy parenting, and although there are exceptions to every rule I'd say It's MOSTLY really not a great way to parent.

judy

I agree

It is only natural that we maintain a childlike position of revering our parents.

It is a very lazy way to parent.

I grew up in te 1960s and physical violence was much more accepted. many parents hit their kids, neighbours could hit other kids, teachers could hit hits with a leather belt, throw chalk, books rap them on the knuckles with a ruler.
It was usually OK for men to hit their wives too. Poloice would often not intervene if a couple were having a "domestic".

I shudder at the memories.

It's not Ok to hit another adult, or even a dog- yet some people think it's fine to hit a child. Disgusting.

I think times have changed. My parents in many ways were great but this is a big thing they got wrong, massively. I remember my mum chasing me round the garden I mean really? Why would you let a child make you look like an idiot? It stopped when basically I was strong enough to stop it (and Dad never really smacked from what I remember). So in the end I 'won' and it was completely ineffectual anyway.

I wonder op if you are thinking about this now re the prospect of having your own children? My mum for years blustered on about when she looked after gcs she'd do it her own way. OK then . Interestingly enough she hasn't mentioned smacking as being the best way since they actually arrived so for several years. She's a wonderful gm, honestly much better than the type of mother she was......

I'm quite gobsmacked by the poster who was hit with a slipper and had washing up liquid squirted in their mouth and thinks this was an appropriate way to parent. And by that logic also thinks their brother has turned into a delinquent because he wasn't raised like that. There are plenty of people who weren't treated like that and haven't become delinquents, just as there are plenty of people who were hit as children and are not upstanding members of the community.

According to my mother she smacked all four of us occasionally. I don't remember this at all (either her smacking me or her smacking my siblings). I suspect that's because it was rare, we were very young (maybe under 5?) and it wasn't dwelt on. I smacked my DC in the same vein. Smacking a 15 year old or even a 10 year old seems bizarre to me.

I'm an 80's child -smacked up until the age of 13-14 usually slaps to body, legs. Stopped when I started being old enough to challenge it.

It was normal at the time but I always thought it was lazy ineffective parenting and the fact my parents were willing to wallop me lost a lot of respect for them

I was over 5 feet tall and 7 stone by the time I was 11 so I doubt that it happened after primary school age in my case.

I'm sorry that so many others went through this sort of thing. OP your dad was way out of order to treat you that way.

I grew up in a house of violence. My mum married 3 times - the first two were violent to her, the third was emotionally and physically violent to me and my brother.
I remember being 'smacked' throughout my childhood - including with my gran's rubber soled slipper.
I remember receiving some form of physical punishment until I was about 16 or so, when I was dragged upstairs by my hair and thumped all over my back and legs (I'd curled up to protect myself) by my mother.
My older brother also got some physical punishments, but not as much as I did.
I also remember being pinned to the wall by my throat at about 14 by my stepdad, because of being antagonised and bullied to the point of swearing at him over dinner.
I was also given random insults and belittled daily, as part of everyday life.
It definitely did me harm and has remained as an area of bitterness about my childhood (one of many).
I am very aware that all of this was definitely abuse, and am trying to very hard to be a good mum to my DD. I'd hate for her to think if we childhood in this way.

I have trouble thinking about my childhood, it causes me emotional pain still.
If you feel you will benefit from addressing this with your dad, then make sure you have thought about all the possible outcomes to that conversation.

I suspect people do still smack but don't admit it. The comments I've seen on here about smacking are often extreme.

I was born early 70's and was very occasionally smacked on the back of the legs, usually for being repeatedly rude. I remember primary teachers doing the same, for rudeness. My parents never used any implement, never threatened and they clearly believed it was an appropriate punishment for a young child. I don't hold it against them ( can barely remember it tbh) but I've never hit my own children, and I know my parents would never smack my kids.

It was something that was acceptable then, not so much now, and I think That's a good thing. I do judge parents who smack but I can see why it happens.

I was smacked once but I do smack my children, it is never in anger and I have to say I haven't had to smack any of them after the age of five, it's possible to reason with a five year old but a three year old you just need to understand that running towards a road etc are not on.

Wherediparkmybroom- do you smack others in your life too? Husband? Adult relatives or friends?

mummyboo sorry to hear about your childhood. I too had a lot of physical and emotional violence in my childhood and try to be a better parent to my DC. Two of my DC are now parents and neither has ever smacked their children so they've done better than I did.
My DF was in the forces and a very heavy handed disciplinarian. My brothers and I were spanked regularly on the bottom, sometimes with knickers/pants down. This continued until I left home at 16. I was brought up in the 60s and this was pretty normal on the Married Quarters estate. My DF is 85 and I love him dearly and think of him as a good enough Dad. He was a product of his childhood (harsher than mine) and of the era we lived in.

I was born in the early 80s and smacking was part of life, probably at least once a week, mainly by my mum. If I was to challenge her on it now, she would probably dismiss it as nothing more than a few taps on the legs, but it was more than that: about 8-10 hard slaps on my legs and bottom each time. It was painful and left hand prints, but not bruises. Sometimes I would be hoisted by the arm and hit that way. I can't remember when it stopped, but I do remember her being furious when I kicked back once in self defence, probably aged about ten. It got to the stage where is wasn't effective as I knew that the pain was only temporary. It was mainly for being cheeky.
I don't have a violent bone in my body and can't imagine smacking my children, but I think if you were smacked just once growing up, it probably wouldn't have done you any harm.
The harm it has done me is as follows: I tend not to question authority, and am a people pleaser. I suffered from low self esteem for a number of years, and it's still not where I'd like it to be. I tended not to speak up when I had good ideas at work/school/uni. I'd probably now be reluctant to blow the whistle on others at work if needed, for fear of rocking the boat. I take criticism very personally, so end up working extra hard to avoid it.
I now have a good relationship with my parents, but I couldn't bring myself to be all gushy about my mum like others are with e.g. Mother's Day cards.
It's a shame as I was a real thinker even as a young child, so I think that if my mum had tried to reason with me it would have been much more successful than smacking. I saw further up the thread someone said that they couldn't wait to be an adult: that was exactly how I felt. I sometimes felt sad when my dad would jokingly tell me that childhood was supposed to be the best time of your life: I'd wonder what horrors could possibly await me as an adult. I had a good home life growing up in many respects, so I don't feel 'abused'. I'm glad that it's unacceptable now; I'd rather have slightly more 'entitled' children around these days than children who are being hurt and powerless to say anything. Sorry for the essay..

Fulltothebrim, I believe that a quick smack is better than a child running in front of a car. It's quick and registers that it hurts a bit, the average ford fiesta speeding will hurt a lot more.

So you would do an elderly relative a favour by smacking her rather than running in front of a car?

You think pain is a useful learning tool Wherediparkmybroom?

Strangely enough I just lost my grandad whom we nursed at home, we would have been delighted if he could have made it to the road, but his own training as a child made him cautious.

Have a medal.

I have no time for people who hit their kids.