Children's joint birthday parties

[Dreamsweet]

Ok. So 4 year old DS was invited to a joint birthday party yesterday. The party invitation was from 2 children in his class. One of whom DS is friends with, the other DS never even mentions, although I am aware of him and his mother. We gratefully accepted the invitation.

DS attended the party, there was a children's entertainer there. A fab entertainer who does lots of local parties and who the children love. DS took two presents, one for each child that the invitation came from. DS had a great time, thanked both mums, left with cake and a mask and with memories of a lovely, albeit pretty standard, party.

Fast forward to today. I am walking DS to school this morning and am walking behind one of the party organiser mums (the mum of the child that DS is not friends with). To my horror I hear her say to another mum 'you won't believe some of the presents DS got. I mean, we gave (insert name of entertainer), food and party bags and all DS received as a present was a dinosaur sticker book and a pen.'

I am mortified. I know they were talking about the gifts that my own son gave to the two party boys. I assumed, maybe wrongly, that if the party was split between 2 children then the present buying would also be. Hence I spent £5 on each child. Had the party been organised by one family and for one child, I would have spent £10 as usual. So, I am asking AIBU for spending £5 on each child or should I have spent £10 on each child. How do joint parties work?

Your problem is not joint birthday parties as such, just that you've encountered a dick of a mother.

In all honesty, I don't think the fact it's a joint party makes a difference here. It's just rude to sneer at gifts anyway. You invite children because they are friends with your child, not because you expect expensive gifts!

One of my sons friends once asked him if it was still OK if he came to the party as he couldn't afford a present. Obviously it was! The party is about celebrating friendship and having fun together not presents!

Fwiw I'd spend the same per child for a singular or joint party, but then my present budget is around the £2-3 mark anyway (a craft set from the range or a book, few bits from £ shop etc). I'd never spend £10 on a random childs present (that I wasn't related to or very close to in sone way) so it's very possible parents at DDs school think the same of me. Though I doubt it as they all seem like relatively nice human beings.

You did nothing wrong. I normally split the presents too when going to joint parties or I buy a more expensive present for the friend and a token gift for the other one if you see what I mean.

The mother was being stupid - parties are given for pleasure and should not require an entry charge in the form of an expensive present

I spend the same per child regardless of whether it is joint or not

As for the present - that sounds fine to me! Over the years I have realised the presents I get are definitely on the lower end of the budget range for the kids classes but I'm comfortable with that!

OP, thIs woman is a twat. Talking like that in front of her kids as well, they'll turn out exactly the same.
Grabby and rude.
Any gift is generous, whether it cost 50p or £20. To even think like she does is dreadful, in my opinion.
Please try to put it out of your mind. If someone I know was bitching like that to me, I would say that my kids would love stickers and a pad! And then I would shelve her.

If it was me, I'd ignore the grabby mum.

We held a joint b'day party last year for my DS and my friends DD age 5. They are in different classes at school so some guests brought presents for both, some brought gifts for the child they were friends with.

Neither set of parents (us) would care if the guests didn't bring any presents frankly. We just wanted to host a nice party that the kids would enjoy. It seemed to go well and we received some lovely feedback.

Honestly, don't give it a second thought. Parents that put monetary value on gifts aren't really worth bothering about, in my opinion.

some people are just assholes, nothing to do with party set up.

Under those circumstances, I'd have done exactly the same thing as you. The mother is a cheeky cow; I can't believe she would complain out loud about a present not being expensive enough.

Honestly, don't give it another thought - you're not the socially incompetent one here.

I can't believe the rudeness of that mother .

I never remember who gave what to my DC apart from sometimes feeling guilty if people have obviously spent more money than £5 or £10. My 5yr old DS would be made up with a dinosaur sticker book and a pen.

I choose if I want to have a bigger / more expensive party for the DC cos it's about them enjoying the day not about what presents they get.

Ignore her OP

What a ridiculously grabby cow. You host parties because it's fun for your child to be with their friends and eat lots of crap, not for the presents.

Hmm, well, we did a joint party for DS2 and we spent around the same as we would have if we had thrown a party just for him - we just did a really fun option that wouldn't have been affordable, and got really good party bags for the DC. But - no one would have known that until they went to the party, and it was OUR choice to spend more. We could have spent less and saved money.

But then I wouldn't have cared about a £5 present - DS would have adored a sticker book.

TBH though, there was no way that all the children could have fit in birthday parties at that time of the year, so to get it them all in a few of them were joint - and parents were probably relieved at not having to go to so many parties.

Would you REALLY have preferred to go to 2 parties instead of 1?

It's like a wedding thread!

Thank you all for your kind words. I feel awful and hope that other people don't perceive us or our DS to be tight or ungrateful. It was actually a pen with different colours that lights up and the dinosaur book with stickers. My own DS loves dinosaurs and helped choose the present. We bought the same present for each birthday child, even though DS is only friends with one of the boys. I didn't think it was fair to only buy for the 'friend' when both boys were named, and indeed, had their photograph on the invitation.

Cider- if the boys had had seperate parties I very much doubt that DS would have been invited to a party celebrating the birthday of a boy that he is not friends with and barely knows.

Nothing to do with whether it as joint or not, the mother sounds like a grabby cow. No present of any value should be expected, parties are for the birthday child (or children) to celebrate with their mates. They are not a present collecting exercise. Yuk.

Sticker book and a pen sounds fine for a 4 year old - who really won't care about the value of any presents.

Bloody hell! What happens to families who can't afford to shell out £10 every other week for other kids' birthdays!

That is disgusting of the child's mother to be so ungrateful, she should be gracious of any present her child receives. I hope the other mother she was talking too was mortified and thinking 'what a bitch'.
Yanbu at all

You poor thing. You should never be made to feel like that. What a horrid woman. My DD had a joint present with her best friend before christmas and it never occurred to me to look at the presents and compare them or to comment on them. And I bet the boy himself didn't care, he probably loved his light-up pen. I often find my daughter likes the simplest things the best.

DS is having a joint party with his cousin this year. I wouldn't expect presents from anyone, if people choose to buy for both I would expect them to spend less than normal.

Basically I couldn't care about the presents! I am doing a party because I his what DS wants, not for the presents.

Agree with others - it's the mother that has the wrong attitude! What I care about is that my daughter and her friends have a great time at a party, I don't care whether she gets one present or 30, and judging by her reaction to All the presents she's ever had, neither does she!

How bloody rude.
My DS would absolutely love a present like that.

Try and remember the next time you see her that you have something she can't buy.... CLASS!

Wow, what a rude, grabby cow that other mother is. I have often given sticker books (pack of 8 Star Wars ones from Book People did several parties for wee boys, and cost me about £8, so I only spent £1 per child - shocka!) as presents, sometimes with another little something included, sometimes not. It's a perfectly good present IMO. Ignore her and hold your head up high.

Wait... If the kids in my boys' classes do full class parties that will be 30 ish parties each so 600 on presents a year when they get to school. And 300 pounds of presents each? Insane.

Yasnbu. What a rude woman.

This is the first year we'll be doing a kiddie party for my son (he'll be 4) and I'd rather people didn't get him loads of stuff. If we invite his whole nursery there'll be 30-ish kids. I can't imagine he'll need £300 worth of stuff on top of what family will get him! That's nuts! I suppose they won't all come, but it's still a bit overwhelming.

Point being, it's weird to care much about what gifts people give. It's certainly rude. And most 4 year olds I know would love a sticker book and a flashing pen anyway.