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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's joint birthday parties

86 replies

Dreamsweet · 23/02/2015 21:09

Ok. So 4 year old DS was invited to a joint birthday party yesterday. The party invitation was from 2 children in his class. One of whom DS is friends with, the other DS never even mentions, although I am aware of him and his mother. We gratefully accepted the invitation.

DS attended the party, there was a children's entertainer there. A fab entertainer who does lots of local parties and who the children love. DS took two presents, one for each child that the invitation came from. DS had a great time, thanked both mums, left with cake and a mask and with memories of a lovely, albeit pretty standard, party.

Fast forward to today. I am walking DS to school this morning and am walking behind one of the party organiser mums (the mum of the child that DS is not friends with). To my horror I hear her say to another mum 'you won't believe some of the presents DS got. I mean, we gave (insert name of entertainer), food and party bags and all DS received as a present was a dinosaur sticker book and a pen.'

I am mortified. I know they were talking about the gifts that my own son gave to the two party boys. I assumed, maybe wrongly, that if the party was split between 2 children then the present buying would also be. Hence I spent £5 on each child. Had the party been organised by one family and for one child, I would have spent £10 as usual. So, I am asking AIBU for spending £5 on each child or should I have spent £10 on each child. How do joint parties work?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2015 22:19

I once saw the gift someone had given one of the dses in a pound shop (or similar) - and you know what? I was grateful that they had bought him a present - there is no way I would have judged them - or worse, bitched about the present.

We didn't throw parties to get gifts for the boys - we threw them so they could have fun with their friends. Anyone who adds up the price of the party and then decides on a value for the gifts their child should receive, is grabby. Bitching about it to a third party makes them rude and shallow as well.

Pico2 · 23/02/2015 22:28

£5 is the norm round here anyway. But I have no idea how much most of DD's presents cost.

Imagine you were the other mother in the conversation - what could you possibly say to such a grabby comment?

AuntieUrsula · 23/02/2015 22:46

Your present sounds perfect for a 4- or 5-year-old! You obviously thought about it carefully, and surely that's the main thing?

At my DCs school when children have a joint birthday party, often the parents ask that guests bring only one present and then the hosts divide them up between them afterwards, so each kid gets half the presents. Mind you, joint parties tend to be bigger affairs, so the kids still do pretty well!

Original poster
Dreamsweet · 23/02/2015 22:54

Thank you. My DS is 4, the boys had just turned 5. I don't particularly know the other mum that she was talking to, although I do think that she may be 'influential' in another year group. This particular mother does seem quite entitled, to be honest.

OP posts:
PiranhaBrothers · 23/02/2015 22:54

Sounds like a great present, my kids would have loved that (big dinosaur and 'bling' pen fans at that age)

That mother needs a drop kick in the fanny.

CrispyFern · 23/02/2015 22:58

I've just given a sticker book, with no pen, for single children's parties.
No wonder everyone in the playground spits on me!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/02/2015 23:13

That mother sounds awful,Dreamsweet. I would have done what you did, sounds like a very nice present. The alternative is to only buy for the child your own is friends with. I wonder if that would have gone down better?

Take no notice, horrible woman. If she can't afford to host a party without totting up the cost, then she really shouldn't do it at all.

naughtylist · 23/02/2015 23:25

Horrid woman. My son would have loved your present.

honeyroar · 23/02/2015 23:32

Text her and say you hope you took the sale sticker off your present, you wouldn't want the little boy to know the sticker book only cost 50p and you'd hate the playground gossips to have something to bitch about...

Barbadosgirl · 23/02/2015 23:37

That is appalling! YANBU. Dinosaur sticker book sounds awesome to me Smile

LondonRocks · 23/02/2015 23:38

Walk behind her again tomorrow and mention to whoever you're with how you read a thread on MN about a mum who overheard some very grabby, rude comments about children's party gifts... Wink

GettingFiggyWithIt · 23/02/2015 23:39

I'd let Mylene Klass know Grin
Grabby mare. Pen sounds cool.
Joint birthdays = divided funds
My dd got a pack of crayons a few years ago and a jar of home made cookies last year
It is the THOUGHT that counts. She was effusive about both. As it should be.

BoozeyTuesday · 23/02/2015 23:50

Ds had a joint birthday party with a lad from his class and one mum didn't get my son a present at all, but got the other lad one Now that is bad form! I saw her at a play centre the other day and blanked her when she tried to say hello! Childish yes but it gave me a small sense of victory.

MissDuke · 24/02/2015 02:10

Op, my first thought in reading this was thank goodness your ds has great taste in friends, because you wouldn't want him having regular invitations to her home! (Sorry I realise it isn't her ds' fault, but hopefully you get my point!)

One of my dd's friends comes comes from a family who have very little money, every year I pick her up and drop her home so she can attend dd's party, she never brings a present (mum always apologises in advance) and my dd didn't even notice. I bet her ds loved the present and she was just being an absolute idiot.

Sapat · 24/02/2015 03:04

That's harsh Boozey, with my eldest I didn't know about birthday etiquette for joint parties and didn't realise you were supposed to also bring a present for the child you didn't know. I soon cottoned on, but to be fair I wouldn't have expected you to know I had gifted one child and not the other. Did you go comparing notes? If so how strange. Now if a joint party I would spend less on the child that isn't a friend, more a token gift.

That is one good thing about working full time, you miss much of the ridiculous playground nonsense. I don't want to upset my children but I wish children didn't bother with gifts (and party bags and Xmas cards tbh). But I would always prefer sticker books to tat!

CheerfulYank · 24/02/2015 03:17

How rude!

DS always invites a huge number of kids to his parties and tbh I wouldn't notice or care if someone didn't get him a present at all.

waithorse · 24/02/2015 08:00

Sounds a perfect present. I only spend £5 on birthday gifts for classmates anyway. Mother sounds very rude and entitled.

HootyMcTooty · 24/02/2015 09:16

Surely you throw your children parties so that they can enjoy the day, not so the parents can tot up the gifts and their value?

I'm shocked at this woman's attitude. Surely the only thing that matters is that her son had a fun party and if he had some gifts HE liked then that's an added bonus. It sounds like a perfect present for a young boy IMO.

BullshitS70 · 24/02/2015 09:27

I would have said something to the Mum along the lines of 'excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you talking about the present we gave your son for his birthday saying we didn't spend enough. I am offended to be honest, our kids aren't even special friends, we chose it together and hoped yours liked it. If you want to complain to other parents about the quality of your childs presents, please do so out of earshot of the person who bought said present'.

Then never even look at the rude cow again, let alone give her the time of day

Kitsandkids · 24/02/2015 09:49

She was just very rude. You should accept what you're given and be grateful. When it was my 6 year old's party I made sure I told him that some people might not bring him a present and that was okay - he should just be pleased they came to his party.

When he has been to parties I have never spent more than £5 on a present. Most commonly it's been a £3.99 sticker book from W H Smith.

Sheitgeist · 24/02/2015 09:55

My 5yo DD would have loved that present, and as a parent I'd have been more than grateful for it and the presence of any child at her party, with or without gift.

Quite ironic really that she thinks nothing of splitting the cost of a party, but complains if others split the cost of the presents!

Anyway, laugh it off OP, the woman is a twat.

ClumsyNinja · 24/02/2015 10:04

Boozey you do realise you behaved like a prize twat?

If you don't grow up and stop behaving childishly, your DS won't have any friends at all.

Noggie · 24/02/2015 10:09

Poor you! She is ridiculous to pass comment about gifts- they are just that- gifts! Her problem and not yours!
We had a joint party for my dd and two other kids in her class- spilt the invitations three ways and then said to just bring a gift for the child that wrote the invitation rather than all three which seemed to work ok. So many kids get so many presents it is actually awful in my opinion.

Original poster
Dreamsweet · 24/02/2015 10:17

Well I think I am just going to forget it and rise above it. I saw both mums chatting again this morning and really couldn't face saying anything to either of them. I find entitled mum a bit intimidating to be honest, she seems to really think a lot of herself and looks down her nose at others. The other mum is lovely, down to earth, chats to everyone etc. Goodness knows why they are friends, their children aren't even in the same year group. And yes the irony of splitting the cost of the party is not lost on me. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Theresomethingaboutdairy · 24/02/2015 11:16

Hmm, this is a difficult one as some of the best party entertainers are very expensive and add to that the cost of the food, decorations and party bags these children's parties are costly. Just because it is a joint party doesn't necessarily mean that the cost of presents should be split. After all, you would have had to have bought two separate presents had your DS been invited to two different parties.

I have a 4 year old and I don't think that she would be thrilled with a sticker book. I am not trying to hurt your feelings OP, I'm really not, but in future could you not think about clubbing together with another parent to buy a better present?

Of course parties should be about the birthday child/ren celebrating with their friends but the reality is that people buy and receive presents. It is ok to say no to party invitations if you can't afford to send your children, it really is.

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