Children's joint birthday parties

[Dreamsweet]

Ok. So 4 year old DS was invited to a joint birthday party yesterday. The party invitation was from 2 children in his class. One of whom DS is friends with, the other DS never even mentions, although I am aware of him and his mother. We gratefully accepted the invitation.

DS attended the party, there was a children's entertainer there. A fab entertainer who does lots of local parties and who the children love. DS took two presents, one for each child that the invitation came from. DS had a great time, thanked both mums, left with cake and a mask and with memories of a lovely, albeit pretty standard, party.

Fast forward to today. I am walking DS to school this morning and am walking behind one of the party organiser mums (the mum of the child that DS is not friends with). To my horror I hear her say to another mum 'you won't believe some of the presents DS got. I mean, we gave (insert name of entertainer), food and party bags and all DS received as a present was a dinosaur sticker book and a pen.'

I am mortified. I know they were talking about the gifts that my own son gave to the two party boys. I assumed, maybe wrongly, that if the party was split between 2 children then the present buying would also be. Hence I spent £5 on each child. Had the party been organised by one family and for one child, I would have spent £10 as usual. So, I am asking AIBU for spending £5 on each child or should I have spent £10 on each child. How do joint parties work?

Wow, blanking someone who didn't buy your child a birthday present. That has honestly shocked me.

Well done for rising above it, this morning op.

Missing the point, Dairy, OP's kid wouldn;t have been invited to two separate parties, since they only know one child from the joint party.
Clubbing together to buy a better present? I'm bemused, so your child wouldn't love a sticker book, your answer is that people should buy your child something more expensive? How about tough crap to your kid, so what if they don't love one out of lots and lots of presents?

As for Boozey, you were an utter arse. You blanked someone for not bringing your child a present when you had a joint party? Did you do it just to get twice as many presents?

Some people are so bloody grabby. It's not etiquette, its simple greed, and a terrible lesson for your children.

But you don't throw a party so your child gets presents. You do it so that they get to celebrate with their friends. I would have though a sticker book is a fail safe present as I don't know any kids tht don't like them. Hand on heart I would not care if a child turned upto my dc's party without a present I would just be pleased that they had come.

It is ok to say no to party invitations if you can't afford to send your children, it really is.

I would be gutted to think that one of DD's friends didn't come to her party because they couldn't afford a present. DD chooses who to invite and wants to have fun with those friends.

I think she is being a mean & grabby bitch. You don't ask children to parties just to receive presents from them!

My DS had a similar joint party with another boy in the same year last year - hall rental, magician, food, decorations, party bags & easter eggs to take home. We invited every boy in the year (about 25 of them) and I did wonder about the present etiquette as the 2 boys had very separate groups of friends. I wondered whether to say on the invitations just to bring one present, but the other mother thought that would seem grabby even suggesting that a present was obligatory so we decided to say nothing and let the parents just bring whatever they thought.

Some kids brought presents for both boys, some brought presents for only the one they are friendly with, some presents were bigger than others, some were smaller and a lot of the parents had obviously split the budget for 1 present over the 2 kids. All completely normal! I would never have thought of commenting on what presents they received. Just very glad that the party was a success and the birthday boys all enjoyed it.

I'd say something too. Why wouldn't you?
BullshitS70s suggestion at 09:27 is spot on. I would say the exact same thing. I wouldn't be aggressive but I would say it. It would give them a chance to explain or apologise.
I do wonder if you heard the conversation correctly. It was a long conversation and you were walking behind them when they were talking - don't you think it's possible that you misunderstood what they were saying? - if so, don't you think you should clarify what they said by asking them?

sometimes I wish we could go back to children's parties like we had when I was a kid.

You invited a few friends to your house where your parents had done a party tea, then you played games, then you went home. A card was more or less expected (but no-one commented if you didn't send one), presents were lovely but rarer.

No expectations of entertainers beyond parents/aunts/older siblings running games, there may or may not be a prize for winning a game, except pass the parcel which ONLY had a prize in the middle...

no party bags, you might be given a slice of cake wrapped up in a paper napkin to take home for siblings who hadn't been invited but you might not...

and when you left, you thanked the birthday child's parents for having you there. (my little boy got a very funny look for doing that at a party last year, I'm apparently very old fashioned and strict!)

And we had fun with no stress (except for the parents who had to clear up after!)

whines for a time machine to take us all back to that, because the current expectations for parties are awful

Wow I'm speechless

That woman needs a slap across the chops. Ungrateful cow.

My two children are 18 and 16 now and we had birthday parties almost every school year; sometimes big, sometimes shared, sometimes small and I can honestly say I can only remember two presents from class mates from all those many many occasions: one, where I felt embarrassed the well-off parent had spent so much; one, where an obviously hard up family put a five pound note in a card - far more than they could really afford, and the child never once was able to have her own party for us to reciprocate. Many times at parties, the parents did not even notice what was given by whom so OP I am amazed that after a big party anyone was fussed who gave what: just stick with what you want to afford and consider that rude mother beneath your notice.

Nothing wrong with what you did at all, and its what I do myself. DD was invited to a treble birthday party by 3 of her classmates so they had £10 spent between them - sticker books all round that time.

I have though on occasion (when there have been double parties) not bothered buying anything for a child who is not in my daughters circle of friends. There was a disco party recently for one of DD's close friends which was a joint party together with a girl from the other yr 3 class. Sent DD along with a card for the other girl but nothing else as I considered she was the guest of her friend so no present required for the other girl.

So why do people have joint parties? I expect it is to save money on the ridiculously expensive things some parents deem suitable entertainment for little children nowadays. So if you're saving money it's a bit much to then expect parents to buy gifts for both children when they don't even know one of them IMO.

For those parents who would ignore and exclude families that don't play the "game", I leave you a thought. My friend had four children and very little money, and could never afford to have big fancy parties for her children. Three of the children were in classes that had sensible parents, one was excluded from everyone's parties because she never invited them back to parties and couldn't afford big presents. She spent her primary school years frequently in tears at being left out when the whole of the class bar her were invited places. She had lots of friends in the playground, it was the snobby parents that excluded her. I always thought it was awfully childish behaviour from the parents and wondered what the heck their kids would end up like.

We recently had a joint party for my DS1 (with two other children). He got gifts ranging from board games (Pop Up Pirate etc) to a home made decorated envelope with five sweets in. DS1 was equally excited about and grateful for all his presents (and the envelope is now pinned up on his pin board because it had a picture of a snake drawn on it).

The party parent was being extremely rude, please don't feel like you did anything wrong.

Dairy... Sorry but you sound cheap. I wouldn't want my children to attend one of your parties, I just wouldn't. You sound like a Ricky Gervais (office) sort of party organiser that leaves many of us dumbfounded and shuddering.

Ebwy... could we go half-half on that time machine please?

Wow, that mother is a supreme grabby cow of the highest order. How RUDE of her, and I just can't believe the attitude of some.
For what it's worth, I have two small boys, and have had loads of parties over the years inviting most of the class.
So, in other words, with lots of presents. I couldn't give a shite how much people spend, what's important is my child having a a party with their friends.
Some of the best presents are the ones that have been chosen by the kids, like yours. and I know for a fact mine would LOVE the dinosaur sticker book and pen.
Nothing to do with a joint party, and everything to do with the mum being, a spoilt, entitled bitch.

But surely it's rude to buy one of the party kids a present and not the other? Not sure I would have blanked the guilty mother though !

And yes, you would notice, because the kids usually arrive at the party bearing their gifts!

Wow some of you have time and energy whilst trying to organise a birthday party to notice who has brought a gift with them and who hasn't! As for blanking the parents days later that's horrible - there coud be any number of reasons they didn't bring one and your support rather than blanking may be welcomed (money, mental health, forgetfulness - very few people are actually outright mean in my humnle experience).

How incredibly rude! And Boozey - you're no better.

Some people really need to learn some manners

Dairy - I hope you don't have parties to receive presents. How revoltingly grabby

So for the minority on here complaining about the cost of parties and expecting presents to compensate: why don't you not throw a party and spend the money buying your children all that shit they don't really need instead?

How rude. I budget around £5 a present for kids that are in a class, think that's enough. Often get them from places like B&M or bulk buy when I see a bargain that is a good present so it looks like I spend more!!

But Aunty Ursula why should you have to buy for a child that you don't know and your child doesn't know just because the parents have joined up to save money? Surely you'd just buy for the child that is the friend and who invited you? Surely the other child would get presents from their own friends?

Obviously it seems from the replies here that it's normal to buy a smaller, less expensive than you would buy for a sole child party, for each child.

A birthday party should be about your child having fun with their friends and enjoying the day. Surely the presents aren't the main aim.

I'm feeling very lucky that my stepson and his friends weren't that into parties and there weren't many of these dramas. Or have things got even more materialistic in the last few years?

lyingwitch of course! we can rent it out when we aren't using it!

I would expect to be told which child I was expected to buy for (parents split up the class list) - that's what happens at dd's school, where up to five kids share a party (especially August / Sept birthdays).

Cards for the other kids, standard present for the one you've been assigned. Works well.

You were certainly not BU - and the other mum sounds very rude and completely out of touch with what her child actually likes to play with.

Call me what you will but it was pretty harsh that the mother handeD the present to the other mother while ds and I were stood right next to them. The boys are all friends/classmates and we only had a joint party because it was a football party and their birthdays are on the same day. There were only ten boys in total and all other parents got presents for both. I couldn't have cared less what the present was or how much it cost, but it was very mean in front of ds. It led to the other boy later bragging at school that he's more popular than ds/has more friends. If she had brought nothing at all it wouldn't have bothered me but for her to do that was pretty mean to a nine year old. He thought it meant the boy/mum didn't like him as much as the other when in fact they all play together.