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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take dd on holiday without DH?

90 replies

Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:09

DH and I got married abroad last October. We had a great time but there was some friction between my dh and my dm and dsis over my nieces behaviour (she is 7) and also the amount my sister drank. (A lot) Dh and my sister have never really seen eye to eye tbh.

My sister has a significant birthday coming up, and my parents are taking her and her two children away on holiday as a treat. (She is a LP) They have also offered to pay for dd (3) and I to join them. This is because I had a significant birthday last year, when they were having cash flow problems, and because ill health in October means my dm spent the day of my wedding in agony and unable to help me into my dress, get ready etc. She also missed the reception. Dm has a debilitating illness that is not going to improve, and will probably be wheelchair bound at some point in the future. She has also had extensive cancer treatment.

It is during the Easter break, and dh has work Mon- Fri, and gigs that he can't cancel Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sunday night. I work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturdays.

The holiday is all inclusive, so we would need very little spending money.

Dh is horrified that I would want to go without him, he says 'we are a family and should holiday together'

I should also add, in the interest of not drip feeding, that they are going for two weeks, but I have already said I would only go for the second week as feel two weeks is a bit unfair on dh.

AIBU to want a holiday with my parents, sister, daughter and nieces whilst my mother is still well enough to do so, or should I forfeit the holiday, and carry on as usual so that I can spend three evenings with dh that week?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 23/02/2015 16:11

I can see why you'd want to go but I would be gutted if my husband went on holiday with our daughter without me.

Original poster
Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:13

But if you couldn't get the time off work, wouldn't you just be glad they had the opportunity of getting away.

I am pretty sure dd will have a better time on the beach or in the pool with her cousins than she would at home or at the childminders.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 23/02/2015 16:14

Under the circumstances you describe, YANBU.

Presumably you and your DH and DD will be able to have other holidays? And it sounds like this is a one-off? He's being a bit selfish IMO.

chocolateorsalad · 23/02/2015 16:15

I think YABU. I can't imagine a scenario where my parents would invite me and DS along, paid for by them, and exclude my DP. I can see why your DH would be upset about it.

CMOTDibbler · 23/02/2015 16:15

If you going on holiday doesn't mean that there will be less money for family holidays, no problem going. If the cost of getting to the airport and all the other bits that add up will have an impact, or you won't have the annual leave to take for a holiday with dh, then it is an issue.

DS and I had a mini break without dh before christmas and it was lovely - but it was just the two of us

thegreylady · 23/02/2015 16:16

I would go if you want to and don't really understand why your dh would object for the sake of 3 nights.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/02/2015 16:16

But if you couldn't get the time off work, wouldn't you just be glad they had the opportunity of getting away.

Absolutely. My DH does consulting nowadays so can holiday as he chooses, he and DD have been away together quite a lot. I'm delighted for them!

Original poster
Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:17

Absolutely a one off. We aren't able to afford a holiday this year as dh's work dried up from Christmas til now, and we are all wiped out savings wise.

The last time (apart from the wedding) I went on holiday with my family was about 2001 I think.

OP posts:
LIZS · 23/02/2015 16:17

Think this is more about him feeling you are all deliberately excluding him than the holiday itself.

Heels99 · 23/02/2015 16:17

Nothing wrong with going away without eachother but him being excluded in the fsmily invite is bizarre. My in laws would not exclude me from a fsmily holiday!

flimmyflam · 23/02/2015 16:18

YANBU. It's a one off thing, not something you've deliberately planned without him, and he'll be working all week anyway. Sounds like you need a break, you should go. Could you make sure you plan some family time with DH and DD on another occasion (nice day out or something) so he doesn't feel too rejected? But really I think he's being a bit of a dog in the manger here.

MagratsHair · 23/02/2015 16:19

I'd think that your DH is feeling massively excluded & like your family are taking DSIS's 'side' & being pretty open about it. Presumably the invitation has never been open to him as well?

I think that you need to talk about it & stress the part about your mother. I can see why he's sensitive about it though but I think you should go. Honest communication & you should be OK OP :)

Original poster
Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:19

He hasn't been excluded, he could come if he could get the time off work.

Not that he would even want to because he dislikes my niece and my sister intensely.

OP posts:
chocolateorsalad · 23/02/2015 16:21

So you won't be able to afford a family holiday this year due to DH's work drying up, so DH gets excluded from the holiday invite you and DD have been given? I can see why he might feel a bit hurt TBH.

chocolateorsalad · 23/02/2015 16:23

X-post. You said in your OP, "They have also offered to pay for dd (3) and I to join them", which I took to mean DH had not.

SanityClause · 23/02/2015 16:26

Would your family also pay for him if he could take the time off work? If not, I can see he would be upset.

But if he is invited, but can't go, why would he deprive you and DD?

And given the situation with your DM, I really can't see it's unreasonable of you to want to go.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/02/2015 16:26

If he isn't excluded and just can't get time off and wouldn't go anyway, then he is very selfish to deny you and DD your only chance of a holiday this year.

I had several holidays with my DDs only, DH was happy for us to head off and have a wonderful time.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 23/02/2015 16:27

It's completely fine and reasonable for parts of a family to holiday apart, and in the circumstances of your DH not being able to attend then it's a great idea.

The crap about not liking the behaviour of a 7 year old and disapproving of another adults alcohol consumption (too much or too little or just not the right type?) just makes your DH sound an arse.

BackforGood · 23/02/2015 16:27

Of course YANBU.
He's working all wekk anyway, so can't go.
It's not taking anything from your family finances.
It's not using up all your holiday allowance which would then prevent you going on holiday together, as you say you aren't going away together.
It means you get to spend some time with your Mum while she's still well enough to be able to.
It means your dd gets a lovely memory of a holiday with her Nan
It means dd gets to spend lovely time with her cousins.
It means you've spent time with your sister, without him having to put up with her.
I can't see any reason why he should object, but I can see about 8 reasons why you should go.

Jackieharris · 23/02/2015 16:27

Your dh is being totally unreasonable!

It isn't that uncommon for these kind of extended family holidays to happen with parts of different families.

I went on holiday abroad with my DM and 2 of her friends without df when I was 7/8.

It was no big deal.

I've been away with DC with my friends without DP. Not an issue.

DP has taken DC away without me, nice break for me! Grin

Your dh is being possessive, childish and ridiculous. He isn't the boss of you. If you want to go, go. Leave him sulking home alone.

I bet he doesn't do any housework while you're gone either!

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 16:29

If he was invited, then he wouldn't go would he, as he doesn't like the sister or the niece. As it happens, he is busy anyway. So on both counts, he is being unreasonable.

Themirrorcracked · 23/02/2015 16:30

I don't understand why this would be a problem at all.

My mum, her sisters and us kids all used to holiday together with no husbands at least once a year and non of them thought it was an issue. My sister holidays with her children and our family all the time without her husband. He has to work so he can't go, but he wants his wife and especially his children to have a holiday.

I also used to holiday with my cousins and dad without my mum a lot... Different types of holidays.

It seems extremely mean spirited for anyone to object to you having a holiday just because they can't go. It isn't as if he wasn't invited or will be off work hanging around on his own, he will be busy anyway.

hiccupgirl · 23/02/2015 16:30

In he couldn't come anyway and you're effectively being paid for then I would go. I can understand why he is feeling a bit excluded but if you can still have a family holiday with him later in the year then I don't see the problem.

I take our DS 5 to stay with my parents for 3-4 night 2x a year while DH stays at home and works. It means we can save holidays for family time and DH gets peace and quiet for a couple of days.

veryseriousgirl · 23/02/2015 16:31

It really depends on your own relationship, but DH and I take separate holidays with and without children pretty often. It's usually down to one of us not being able to get time off work (normally one of us takes the kids, the other one joins as & when they can), life events (I thought that taking my boisterous 2 year old with me when I went to help my sister out with her newborn would be counter-productive, so DH took the kids on a separate holiday). We've also gone on work trips with DH where I holiday with the children all day and then we have a meal together when he's finished with work. I don't think it's particularly weird.

SanityClause · 23/02/2015 16:32

Sorry, x posted. I see he is invited, but can't come.