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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take dd on holiday without DH?

90 replies

Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:09

DH and I got married abroad last October. We had a great time but there was some friction between my dh and my dm and dsis over my nieces behaviour (she is 7) and also the amount my sister drank. (A lot) Dh and my sister have never really seen eye to eye tbh.

My sister has a significant birthday coming up, and my parents are taking her and her two children away on holiday as a treat. (She is a LP) They have also offered to pay for dd (3) and I to join them. This is because I had a significant birthday last year, when they were having cash flow problems, and because ill health in October means my dm spent the day of my wedding in agony and unable to help me into my dress, get ready etc. She also missed the reception. Dm has a debilitating illness that is not going to improve, and will probably be wheelchair bound at some point in the future. She has also had extensive cancer treatment.

It is during the Easter break, and dh has work Mon- Fri, and gigs that he can't cancel Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sunday night. I work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturdays.

The holiday is all inclusive, so we would need very little spending money.

Dh is horrified that I would want to go without him, he says 'we are a family and should holiday together'

I should also add, in the interest of not drip feeding, that they are going for two weeks, but I have already said I would only go for the second week as feel two weeks is a bit unfair on dh.

AIBU to want a holiday with my parents, sister, daughter and nieces whilst my mother is still well enough to do so, or should I forfeit the holiday, and carry on as usual so that I can spend three evenings with dh that week?

OP posts:

Cobain · 23/02/2015 16:32

I would be more concerned about DC having a lovely time and if that is without me so be it. As you are not paying I really do not see the problem. DP had a holiday with DC1&2 when DC3 was 3 months old, I stayed with baby they went to Spain.

stealthsquiggle · 23/02/2015 16:33

If he was invited on the same basis as you and DD then he is absolutely the being unreasonable here. If not then I sort of see where the sulk is coming from, but it's still a sulk, and it's still just a week, and lovely opportunity for you and DD to spend some time with family, when he will be working / out at gigs anyway.

Jengnr · 23/02/2015 16:35

Would they pay for you all to go together later on instead?

Charlotte3333 · 23/02/2015 16:36

I don't think it's BU to take her away with family if he's working and can't come. Not at all. DH and I have had a few holidays apart; I work in a school so am free for the entire summer so every year my best friend and I take my two boys somewhere cheap and cheerful for a week and DH books in as much back-to-back work as he can fit so he can take extra time off when we have our family holidays (he's self-employed so pretty flexible).

It's a free holiday, your DD will have a lovely time and it's time with your DM who, by the sounds of things, may not get chance to go on holiday with you all many more times.

APlaceInTheWinter · 23/02/2015 16:38

YANBU.

I think he's being v selfish. He'd rather you and DD were sitting about at home whilst he's working than off enjoying a holiday with your family. Even though he's made it clear he doesn't enjoy spending time with your family.

This seems like a win/win solution. You get to spend time with your family. He doesn't have to spend time with your relatives that he dislikes.

Even if your DM didn't have health issues, I'd still be saying you should go. Your DH seems to have made it clear he doesn't enjoy spending time with your family tbh if he couldn't even hide it for your wedding then his dislike must be pretty profound but that is no reason for you to curb the time that you spend with them. And it seems like this is an one-off so I really don't think it's reasonable of him to object.

flora717 · 23/02/2015 16:39

Yanbu. It's a holiday. You are not joined at the hip. He cannot / would not go. It is pretty unreasonable of him to not encourage you to spend some lovely time with your own mum.

Ragwort · 23/02/2015 16:39

Agree with very - my DH and I often take separate holidays with our DS - it fits better with getting time off work and we both have different interests - ie: DH and DS love going skiing but that would be a huge waste of money for me to tag along. My parents used to live in a very touristy spot and DS and I would have frequent holidays there without DH - I can quite understand how people don't want to spend holidays with their ILs.

Original poster

Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:44

Dh also thinks they should pay for everyone at a later date, but this just isn't possible.

Dsis goes to Uni and the only other time everyone could go would be during the six weeks holiday.

Dm and Df simply can't afford to take us all then, they did look into it but the cost leapt from 5k to 13k.

OP posts:

temporaryusername · 23/02/2015 16:45

It sounds like your DH really needs to get over himself - I can't believe he is 'horrified that (you'd) want to go without him'! He does know you can on existing when he leaves the house, right?

A normal reaction would be for him to be pleased you and your dd had this opportunity. You should definitely go and if he doesn't come to terms with it, that is an alarm bell I think.

temporaryusername · 23/02/2015 16:51

x-post but of course it would be crazy to pay that much extra to go at another time. The way it is, you and dd are getting a nice holiday and time with family, no money or time off is being taken away from other potential holidays with your dh, he is not having to spend time with people he doesn't really get on with. It isn't an either/or situation. You aren't choosing them over him on his one week free. The only reason for him to object is because he is controlling and unable to think about you or dd rather than himself.

Presumably he doesn't actually think you or dd will be at risk in any way from the behaviour he disapproves of? If so, he should say so directly anyway, and/or trust you to decide what is ok for your dd.

Original poster

Knottingnotknitting · 23/02/2015 16:54

No, he is disapproving of me drinking when he isn't there (I used to, pre dd, not have an off switch) but knows I woud never be drunk in charge of dd that isn't the issue I don't think.

He just doesn't want us to go on holiday without him .

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 23/02/2015 16:55

I've taken DS away without DH twice, once with my family and once with a friend. Both times he was away with work, so we would just have been at home without him anyway, but your DH is going to be out so much that week anyway that it is pretty much the same. I think it would be very mean of him to make you feel bad about going.

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 16:58

But if he takes issue with your family, is it any wonder that they wouldn't want him around?

pregnantpause · 23/02/2015 17:00

Yanbu. Your dh is selfish arse though.

APlaceInTheWinter · 23/02/2015 17:13

Dh also thinks they should pay for everyone at a later date
Is he always such a selfish, demanding arse?! Look, he's not even going to be spending time with you that week anyway because he's working and at gigs. It's incredibly mean that he'd prefer you both to be at home rather than having a nice holiday. It's also quite unpleasant that he can't see why with your DM's illness that you'd all like to spend some quality time together.

I know this is just a holiday but you're fairly newly married and actually this is one of those events that could set the tone for the rest of your marriage in terms of will you give in to any demand that he makes, no matter how unreasonable? will you let him put his needs before your DD's; your own and your DM? This doesn't have to be confrontational but I think you do need to assert yourself and tell him that you want to go and that you are going to go.

rookiemere · 23/02/2015 17:16

YANBU.
I can see why your DH might have his nose out of joint a bit, but with your DM's circumstances he should just be happy that his loved ones get to have a nice holiday.

temporaryusername · 23/02/2015 17:16

He just doesn't want us to go on holiday without him.

I'm struggling to think of a possible explanation for this that doesn't paint your DH in a very bad light.

Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2015 17:32

Knottingnotknitting I totally agree with BackforGood, they have listed a whole lot of reasons why going is good.

Your husband seems to need to some reassurance that he is important in your life.

You are totally right to want to go with your mum, she may be in a wheelchair when your husband is finally free to go on a holiday or when you or your parents could all afford to go on holiday together. Of course I very much hope this is not the case but what will your husband do if this is the case?

He won't be able to buy back the time that he will cost you if he says no and you won't be able to buy back that time if you allow him to dictate this.

I hope your husband will be able to see this as a 'service' you are doing in your family, of course you will enjoy yourself and so will your daughter but more than that if you do not go you will detract from the time your mum has IMHO.

Hopefully your husabnd will see this is not about him.

SquinkiesRule · 23/02/2015 17:34

I always took the kids without Dh he could never get the time, and to be fair never wanted to pend his time off with my Mum and extended family. We would go with Dh at a time that was more convenient to him and have family time.
You got married you didn't get surgically attached, it's a trip with your family, some of which he dislikes, he's being very unreasonable. He really does need to get over himself. You can have a family holiday with him and your child when he is available to take a holiday.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/02/2015 17:37

Gosh, It's all about him. He sounds controlling, entitled and selfish.

pilates · 23/02/2015 17:46

YANBU

It's only a week FGS and he will be working most of it.

I'm sure you will be able to have a family holiday with him later in the year?

GingerLDN · 23/02/2015 17:52

He doesn't sound very nice at all. Is he usually controlling? It is ridiculous that he would have you staying home all week with your daughter (when he's not even there) knowing you should be away having a great time. I honestly think when people are like this (controlling) they don't like time apart because you could potentially start re-evaluating your relationship and decide you don't like being controlled. I hope I've got him wrong as I'd hate to be in a marriage like that. Please do go and have a fabulous time with your family. You would regret it if not, probably in more ways than one.

XiCi · 23/02/2015 17:52

I was in a similar situation to this last year and my DH waved me off with good grace and strict instructions to enjoy myself. I think that would be the reaction of most people tbh.
Im sorry but I have to agree that your DH sounds an arse. He doesn't want you to go away without him, he doesn't want you to drink when he's not there, what exactly are you allowed to do without him, anything remotely fun?
And to disapprove of your sister being drunk at your wedding, really? Surely it's a prerequisite to be hammered at a family wedding!
Don't let him dissuade you from going. I have such lovely memories of the trip I went on with my parents and sister and with your mum's health deteriorating time is precious.

NotYouNaanBread · 23/02/2015 17:53

YANBU. Your DH is being daft.

My DH teaches and his schedule has him teaching over pretty much all half terms, so I'm taking the children out of the country on holiday for both the summer and autumn half terms. Damned if I'm going to sit around here every half term. DH can't believe his LUCK getting two whole child free weeks of sleeping in etc. Your DH must be demented to be kicking up a fuss about this.

tinkerbellvspredator · 23/02/2015 17:54

He's a parent. Ask him what is best for his DD, not him (selfish twunt).

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