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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? So fed up

114 replies

hopingforamiracle · 23/02/2015 14:52

I'm sick of trying to please everyone. I have endometriosis and I'm in a lot of pain today. I was supposed to be doing a birthday cake for my friends daughter's 3rd birthday. I let my friend know I may not be able to bring the cake as I'm unwell, she was angry and said she'd pick one up, tried to make me feel guilty etc. I said no worries, I'll just bring it up later. I've just finished the cake while being doubled over in pain and had to tell me friend I'm really sorry but I can't drop the cake off. The party is in an hour and my friend is really angry, trying to make me feel guilty. I've apologised and she knows about my health issue but all she cares about is that her daughter hasn't got a birthday cake for her party. I told her I was going to bring it up tonight anyway but that's not good enough. AIBU?

OP posts:
queentroutoftrouts · 23/02/2015 18:38

I think YANBU. You have been kind enough to make the cake so I think that the least she could do is pick it up, I think it's cheeky to want it delivered as well tbh. I think some posters are being dramatic about you've left a 3 year old without a cake on her birthday. You haven't at all, all she's got to do is pick it up ffs. Even if you order a cake from a professional shop most don't do a fucking personal delivery service.

engeika · 23/02/2015 18:39

Sorry but YABU. At 3 the cake and the theatre surrounding it is part of the whole party. She has a young child - it is an hour before her party. I doubt that it is easy to "nip to a shop". if it is made you should send it over in a cab.

we all get ill and do our best not to let people down. I suffered from chronic illness - migraines which would strike suddenly and leave me unable to walk, speak or see for three days. I would therefore never leave it to the last minute.

Her poor child. Don't promise what you can't deliver

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:39

She did tell her friend, who guilt tripped her into trying to do it and anyway. It didn't prevent her from getting a back up one. Or even an home before just text a friend asking them to pick one up on the way over! Well, that's what I'd do anyway, i certainly wouldn't have a go at a friend for being unwell and consider it being them letting me down. Especially as she had already given her a heads up earlier in the day!

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:41

Sorry about my appalling typing btw, predictive text that i can't turn off Blush

countessmarkyabitch · 23/02/2015 18:42

What if Op's friend doesn't have a car? What is she supposed to do AN HOuR before the party?
I think some of you must live in big towns or cities and can't comprehend that others don't. If someone told me they weren't bringing the cake an hour before hand, we wouldn't have a cake. It's a 20 min drive to the supermarket, and we don't have a taxi service in the village. I'd get over it quick, but please don't assume the woman is being arsey for the sake of it.

Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 23/02/2015 18:45

When I first said I may not be able to deliver the cake (by taxi), she guilt tripped me and told me it would be difficult to go to the shop with the kids (she lives 10 minutes from the shop). She then said why couldn't I get on the bus with the cake, I told her because I was in pain. I just couldn't sit there at a toddler's party with screaming overly excited kids whilst being doubled over. I didn't want to let her down which is why I stopped her from getting a cake from the shop, plus she made me feel guilty and that it would be too much hassle for her.

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:46

But presumably you would have guests, friends even, coming that could pick one up on the way over

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:48

Well so fool her for trying to bully you into something you couldn't physically do!

ChipDip · 23/02/2015 18:51

She didn't make you feel guilty about the hassle because it would have been a hassle! Do you think at the very last minute was the time to be running to the shops? All this could have been prevented if you had declined making the cake in the first place. You had the choice and chose to do it.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/02/2015 18:53

I don't see any guilt trip, just a statement of fact.

icelollycraving · 23/02/2015 18:55

Yabu. Ds who is three got excited about my birthday cake let alone his own. You had the get out earlier & said no. It doesn't sound like you enjoy being around this woman so stop making cakes for her.

chocolatemademefat · 23/02/2015 19:02

It's a birthday cake for a three year old. What's the big fuss? At three she'll be so excited with the party she'll hardly notice the cake. Couldn't the mother just have asked one of the other guests to collect the cake from you or if that was too much trouble ask them to buy one on the way.

Where's all the solidarity for women on this thread? Oh I get it - it's going to the entitled grabby mother of a three year old who won't care about a cake as long as she gets a pile of presents.

I hope you get better soon. I'm sure some of the replies on here have made you feel just great.

emotionsecho · 23/02/2015 19:16

You didn't need to accompany the cake in the taxi so I still don't understand why you didn't just send it to the party venue, you had actually finished it after all.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/02/2015 19:20

Can I ask, OP, is the 3yo your niece/nephew?

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 19:20

Equally why couldn't the mum call a taxi to collect??

m0therofdragons · 23/02/2015 19:25

Who makes a cake the day of the party?
Op you say she can't get the the shop with the kids before the party - depending on number of kids and their ages I totally get that. Shopping with my 3dc is a nightmare so last minute And rushed sounds horrendous. I think you are both in the wrong and not worth falling out over.

confusedandemployed · 23/02/2015 19:28

the end I don't give a shiny shit whether you think I sympathise or not. Sympathy doesn't absolve the OP of blame.

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 19:43

confused glad to hear it. I have no interest in your shit, shiny or otherwise.

NeedABumChange · 23/02/2015 20:05

YABU.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/02/2015 20:08

I think you are carrying around a lot of resentment and dislike of the person for whom you baked the cake. She may sense this, and think you have non-delivered the cake on purpose.

It would have been zero effort on your part to stick said cake in a mini cab, as suggested by many people (myself included) upthread.

Whilst birthday cake is something of a big deal when organising a kids party, I don't think anyone should be even slightly arsey with a person who is doing them a lovely favour at the cost of time, effort and money. Especially someone who is ill and in pain.

laughingmyarseoff · 23/02/2015 20:47

Don't bother to do her any more favors OP.

BifsWif · 23/02/2015 21:10

YABVU for letting her down (twice) on the day of the party. You are also being unreasonable for being nasty about the woman when it became clear most posters were siding with her and not you. Don't drip feed to suit.

If you're illness effects you to the point you don't know how you will feel from one day to the next then don't commit to making cakes for people.

nickelbarapasaurus · 23/02/2015 21:37

I don't get it. Confused

The "friend" was being unreasonable - she couldn't have got anyone someone to fetch the cake, knowing her friend was in pain and had finished the cake?

And, I have a daughter that's just turned 3. She had a party, and she didn't even know it was for her!! In fact, when it came to do the cake, she sang happy birthday along with everyone else and didn't even know she was allowed to blow out the candle, instead cheering on someone else to blow them out.
She's not stupid, and she new damn well she was having lots of presents that were for her, but she didn't give a shit whether the cake was hers or someone else's.

pressone · 23/02/2015 21:49

It's a bloody cake and OP is ill. Endometriosis isn't something you can just take a couple of paracetamol and be fine in half an hour.

Sounds like the friend is a bully and OP needs to learn to say no.

If "friend" is that fussed she can ask someone to fetch the cake, or will that give the game away that she didn't make it herself or buy it from a top patisserie?

PekeandPollicle · 23/02/2015 21:53

Op needs to learn to say no so she doesn't let anyone else down. She could have agreed when her friend offered to buy a cake so that she didn't have to finish it off, but instead confirmed it would be ready. It really can be very difficult to get another cake within an hour of a party and it is quite a busy time.