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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? So fed up

114 replies

hopingforamiracle · 23/02/2015 14:52

I'm sick of trying to please everyone. I have endometriosis and I'm in a lot of pain today. I was supposed to be doing a birthday cake for my friends daughter's 3rd birthday. I let my friend know I may not be able to bring the cake as I'm unwell, she was angry and said she'd pick one up, tried to make me feel guilty etc. I said no worries, I'll just bring it up later. I've just finished the cake while being doubled over in pain and had to tell me friend I'm really sorry but I can't drop the cake off. The party is in an hour and my friend is really angry, trying to make me feel guilty. I've apologised and she knows about my health issue but all she cares about is that her daughter hasn't got a birthday cake for her party. I told her I was going to bring it up tonight anyway but that's not good enough. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 23/02/2015 17:50

Let me clarify, the cake was already made the day before, I just had to add the decorations etc. As people have mentioned, I made a cake for her two months ago and one of the cakes broke in half, so I had to make do with a one tier instead of two tier and she was really rude about it (birthday cake for her other child). Her ex boyfriends girlfriend made her daughter a cake as a surprise also, but she told me she hated it and if I could send her photos of the cake I had made, so she could decide if mine was better as she could only take one for the party.

The thing is, she pretends and makes out that it's for her daughter, but it's more of an ego thing to compete with the other mothers. She spends ridiculous amounts of money on presents months before birthdays and xmas and then complains that she's skint. It's not really my business what she buys her kids, but it pisses me off when she pretends she's doing this for her kids, when it is actually an ego thing for her, and she tries to guilt trip you.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 23/02/2015 17:54

If it pisses you off why did you agree to make the cake?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2015 17:57

I'm sorry, but to me, it doesn't matter what sort of person she is, or why she wants the cake - you made a commitment! and have let her down pretty much at the last minute. Given your health issues, I don't think you should be making cakes for people who are going to be relying on you - I am sorry if that is harsh.

I was never party-mum-zilla about the dses' parties, but even I would have been pretty hacked off to be told an hour before the party that there was no cake!

Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 23/02/2015 17:58

Because she kept on about it, and I thought it was only fair as I had made her other daughter a cake previously.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/02/2015 17:59

Stop making cakes and say NO when asked again.

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:07

OP you've don't nothing wrong the woman's just a bitch!

Stardustnight · 23/02/2015 18:08

But it wasn't fair, only - and I don't like trawling through people's posts, but I did when it was mentioned and if today's cake incident is the same woman as previously, which it sounds like it is, then yes, you should have known better (said kindly and not unpleasantly!)

It isn't easy sometimes, I know, to stand up to people, but the more you keep apologising the more it invites some people to keep kicking you.

MissDuke · 23/02/2015 18:16

Op, obviously I don't know you or your friend, but based on the information you have given here, you are coming across very badly. I would never ever write about someone on mn in the manner you have and describe them as a 'friend'. If this is how you feel about her, you need to stop pretending to be her friend. Tbh I feel yabu about the cake - you could have decorated it very quickly and in a basic manner, and given her more than an hours notice that you couldn't get it to her. I love making cakes too, but just do it for fun, never ever to a timetable as it really is stressful!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2015 18:16

Theendoftheend - I think it is wrong to promise to make something or do something for someone, and to let them down at the last minute.

A cake is a central part of a birthday party - and if you have committed to make one for a little child's party, it is wrong to break that commitment - even if you don't like the person who asked for the cake!

The last hour before a party is, in my experience, madness - lots to do, lots of stress, and an over-excited child to cope with - I know I wouldn't have been able to find the time to go and get a cake or to organise someone else to pick it up!

I still say the OP should have just put the cake in a taxi - that would have been an end to the drama before it began.

pictish · 23/02/2015 18:23

Yes you're being unreasonable. You let her down once, which she was going to sort out herself, then you said you would do it after all, and then leaving her no time for her to organise an alternative, you let her down again!

Anyone would be hard pushed not to get annoyed with you about that. Sorry.

In other news, I hope you feel better soon.

confusedandemployed · 23/02/2015 18:27

I can't believe the number of people who seem to think that letting someone down at an hour's notice is OK.
Yabvvu OP. I sympathise with your pain but frankly if it means you do this to people, whatever you may think of them personally, then you need to grow a pair and refuse when asked.

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:27

SDT OP didn't get distracted by Jeremy Kyle she was unwell and in chronic pain, the friend knew it was on the cards and should have had a back up plan. It's not rocket science.

pictish · 23/02/2015 18:27

And I agree - even if the woman is bloody awful, you are in the wrong here.
Awful people and lovely people would be pissed off with you for this.

TwoOddSocks · 23/02/2015 18:28

YANBU she can run out and collect a cake for her 3 year old (who I doubt would care if it was home made or not). If you ask a favour of someone you have to accept something else might come up for them.

pictish · 23/02/2015 18:29

She did have a back up plan, but OP scuppered them by agreeing to do the cake after all, so she naturally thought the cake was a definite.

ohtheholidays · 23/02/2015 18:29

Op I'd drop her,she's not your friend.

YANBU my best friend has the same condition as you and I've seen her when she's doubled up in pain,it's distressing to see.

I don't have the same condition as you,but I get really bad pain days(I'm disabled now)and I know how you can go from being okay to being really ill within a few minutes.

I hope you have something for your pain,go and rest and I hope you feel much better soon. Flowers

TwoOddSocks · 23/02/2015 18:30

Reading some of these comments are crazy, agreeing to make a cake does not mean that you will make and deliver it under any circumstances. She was ill, she couldn't do it. It's only a three year old's birthday party, I assume it's not a televised event she can just run out and buy one from tesco, it won't be quite as nice but if she was that bothered she could have paid to have it done professionally.

DisappointedOne · 23/02/2015 18:31

I make cakes for friends and family. In all other aspects of my life I'm a "last minute" kind of gal. When it comes to wedding or birthday cakes that would never work. It almost always takes longer than you think. I'd bake the cake 3 days before (using a recipe that gets moister over a couple of days) then ice and decorate the day before it was needed. That way I have time to deal with any problems.

If you can't organise yourself that way OP, stop agreeing to make cakes for people for important events!

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:31

confuse it doesn't sound like you sympathise with OP 's pain at all actually

gobbynorthernbird · 23/02/2015 18:31

theend, there was a back up plan. That the OP said wouldn't be needed.

Mousefinkle · 23/02/2015 18:32

I'm surprised she asked you to do another cake for her after being so disappointed with the last one you did tbh.

It's the fact you insisted you'd do the cake after she said she'd go out and get one and now ONE HOUR before the party you're saying you can't get it to her. That's what would fuck me off the most. No, you can't have a birthday party without a cake IMO- blowing out the candles is one of the biggest parts!

I'm sorry you're in pain but perhaps knowing you have this issue you shouldn't offer to make cakes for anyone. Put it in a taxi for her as others have suggested.

countessmarkyabitch · 23/02/2015 18:33

No it doesnt, but it should mean that if you say on the day of the party : no don't get another cake, I will do it, you don't then cancel an hour prior to said party.
On no planet is that acceptable, and if you say would be totally fine about it, you're lying.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2015 18:33

I am not saying she is letting her friend down for a trivial reason, theendistheend - but she could have told her friend much earlier, that she wouldn't be able to deliver the cake, or she could, as I have said several times, have bunged the cake in a taxi.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2015 18:36

And I am genuinely surprised at the number of people who think it is easy to just nip to the shops for a cake in the last hour before a party!

gobbynorthernbird · 23/02/2015 18:38

Mouse, IIRC nobody was disappointed with the first cake, in fact the OP was thanked profusely. The OP brother was a bit of a dick, but SIL only wanted a picture of the cake which was different to what had been agreed on originally.