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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party DD is going to because of bad behaviour?

81 replies

drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 20:47

Throughout the week my DD has been misbehaving/general being defiant. I have told her at several points that she will not be allowed to go to her friends party if I have to tell her again - something I thought would ensure she was good!

Obviously now I've said it I feel it's important I follow it through, and her behaviour has been terrible today.

What do I do? Do I not allow her to go and what do I text the child's mum to tell them? I feel embarrassed. Would you be annoyed if someone cancelled coming to your child's party because their child had been naughty?

OP posts:
Hassled · 21/02/2015 20:49

I wouldn't be annoyed - I'd think fair enough. How old is she? Any other reasons why she might be playing up?

My instinct is to say you should follow through with your threat - because if you don't, all subsequent threats will mean nothing.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 21/02/2015 20:49

Honestly? Well, obviously you want honesty otherwise you wouldn't have asked Grin so yes, I would.

It costs money to host a party. To cancel at the last minute as a punishment for your child is messing me about and I don't think that's fair.

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 21/02/2015 20:50

I would cancel if the behaviour was really bad enough to warrant it, but would still give the child a present

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 21/02/2015 20:50

Meant to say that really though, it's moot because you have said it and I think it's important to not be one of those flipflop parents who threaten things they never follow through on.

lunar1 · 21/02/2015 20:51

Next time chose a punishment that doesn't cost someone else money.

StayGoldPonyBoy · 21/02/2015 20:52

Is it a tea party or a prepaid expensive soft play thing? If it's the latter YABU to use that as a threat, as you obviously should follow through on discipline and it's someone else's money wasted, imo. Though I guess you could pay the parent back.

HattyMonkey · 21/02/2015 20:52

It would depend on whether it was a paid for activity party or an old fashioned hall type party. I had 4 out of 10 not turn up fir a soft play party a few years ago and still had to pay fir their places

rinabean · 21/02/2015 20:52

It will cost the mom money and ruin plans she may have made. It spoils the birthday girl's party which is unfair of you to do. And it will make them all talk about how unfair you are so she'll not learn her lesson properly because all her friends will agree you were mean.

Is the party tomorrow? You can't cancel the night before without a sudden illness or something

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 20:54

How old is she?

HattyMonkey · 21/02/2015 20:54

*for

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/02/2015 20:54

I would say she has a chance to earn the chance to go. By doing something good or behaving well for a while.

SavoyCabbage · 21/02/2015 20:55

I think it also depends on whether it is a big party or a small party and how close she is to the birthday girl.

NormHonal · 21/02/2015 20:55

You do need to follow through BUT yes, you will piss off the host of the party in question if you do so. No-shows, for whatever reason, are a waste of effort/money/time for the party host.

I have a friend who has a bit of a reputation for doing this, then wonders why her DCs don't get many party invitations.

HattyMonkey · 21/02/2015 20:55

Also the birthday child may feel that your DD didn't want to go, causing a rift depending on age obviously.

CrapBag · 21/02/2015 20:55

If its a big class party in a hall then don't let her go, if it's a smaller or pay per head party then you shouldn't have threatened this as you do need to follow it through.

Occasionally I realise IHBU and I'll tell my DCs that my threat of X was wrong and I shouldn't have said it, that's the only time I go back on something that I've threatened.

When is the party? Can she earn it back?

NormHonal · 21/02/2015 20:55

Earning the chance to go is a good get-out clause, do that.

ILovePud · 21/02/2015 20:56

How old is your DD? If she's very young then a more proximal and graded punishment would probably work better. TBH I would be a bit peeved if someone cancelled at short notice for this reason as it might mean I'd have to pay for the place anyway or that it would have taken a place at the party which could have been offered to another guest.

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 21/02/2015 20:58

I think it's really mean to the birthday child to cancel because of behaviour.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 21/02/2015 20:58

It's not a threat that I would use because it's not me that it affects the most - it's the birthday child and their parents.

Having said that, you have used it and I think that you need to follow through and stop your dd from going. I also think that you need to explain to the host parents why she won't be going and offer to pay for the place that your dd won't be using.

Original poster
drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 20:59

It's a party in a village hall. A child I don't know. Will still give a present and a card

OP posts:
FitzgeraldProtagonist · 21/02/2015 20:59

I have been in this situation as party mum. Oodles of respect for the parent who contacted me saying she has followed through on threat!

passthewineplz · 21/02/2015 20:59

You need to follow through for it to be effective, but you could give her the morning before the party to redeem herself. Give her a chore to do, like tidy her room, get ready without a fuss and she can go. Then if she still doesn't listen, at least she's had the opportunity and had learnt a lesson that you'll follow through with threats next time

Original poster
drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 21:01

It's tomorrow afternoon also

OP posts:
WhispersOfWickedness · 21/02/2015 21:04

I had a close friend do this with her daughter who was supposed to be coming to my DS's party. I was quite annoyed, tbh, and my son noticed and was upset she wasn't there because she is one of his best friends Sad

ILovePud · 21/02/2015 21:05

How old is your DD though drivingmenutty? I think I'd still be inclined look for a way to go as it seems unfair on the child whose birthday party it is too. Also if you don't know the mum she may not have lots of respect for your willingness to follow through on threats and may just assume that your DD has horrendous behavioural problems and I wouldn't want to set people up with that expectation of your daughter.