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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party DD is going to because of bad behaviour?

81 replies

drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 20:47

Throughout the week my DD has been misbehaving/general being defiant. I have told her at several points that she will not be allowed to go to her friends party if I have to tell her again - something I thought would ensure she was good!

Obviously now I've said it I feel it's important I follow it through, and her behaviour has been terrible today.

What do I do? Do I not allow her to go and what do I text the child's mum to tell them? I feel embarrassed. Would you be annoyed if someone cancelled coming to your child's party because their child had been naughty?

OP posts:
NutcrackerFairy · 21/02/2015 21:51

It would perhaps be helpful if we knew what it was that your DD had done/was doing which has left you threatening this punishment out of desperation...

Also, how old is your DD?

However I personally think it's wrong to accept a party invite and then cancel at the last minute. Unless of course your child is ill or infectious.

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 21:53

She can earn it back though, then you don't have to go back on your word.

AwfulBeryl · 21/02/2015 22:01

How old is your dd ? What has she been doing ?
Tbh, I wouldnt, I don't think it's fair on the other child and I would be a bit annoyed if someone didn't show up because they had been naughty at home.
I would take away favourite toys / games etc and tell her she has to earn them back instead.

I also don't have a problem with going back on my word, I would just explain I didn't think it was fair on the child or her family who have organised the
party, i thought rashly because I was so cross, and I had a rethink about it and I would be doing this instead.

Samcro · 21/02/2015 22:10

a mum did that once to my ds. i didn't think much of her

JudgeRinderSays · 21/02/2015 22:14

You are being really really rude in my opinion.Why didn't you threaten another punishment that doesn't affect other people, particularly those that have been kind enough to invite your DD.
People generally dislike 'flako s ' that cancel at the last minute.Is this what you want your child to learn to be- inconsiderate and unreliable?.

TheFecklessFairy · 21/02/2015 22:16

Take your daughter to the party. Hand over the present and apologise to the mother and daughter.......and explain why. Then leave.

flora717 · 21/02/2015 22:20

It's not rude. I'd rather not have a child 'acting out' dumped on me as a parent hosting a birthday party. If she's being a PITA, apologise and arrange to leave the gift another time.
It's a kids party. Your DD is hardly centre stage for it.

Original poster
drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 22:23

Judge - I am no perfect parent, we all make mistakes. I said it out of desperation and am now asking for advice. Asking why I didn't use another punishment isn't particularly helpful now is it.

I have not made any decisions yet so to say I'm being very very rude is a bit extreme. I doubt most parents would judge everyone who can't come to a party as a 'flako', some of us are a bit more understanding. But I appreciate why some people would be annoyed, if lots of money had been spent for example.

Whichever decision I make I highly doubt my dd will turn out to be inconsiderate and unreliable in the future purely because of this

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 21/02/2015 22:24

What Hassled said.

And tbf, this is the kind of threat I might have to make; if so I follow it through to the letter, because if I don't then I lose all credibility with DS. Just changing the punishment to something else is not acceptable because you're still moving the goalposts. You have to be firm, steadfast and CONSISTENT. When dc realise that you will ALWAYS do what you say you will do, you have won a lot of bargaining power.

My DS has lost two weeks of playing Roblox because he made some poor choices behaviour wise. This is the only way he will learn that he must do as he is told.

If it was a paid place party, then it wouldn't be reasonable to make the threat in the first place. Since it isn't, it's safe to say the impact on the actual party of your DD's absence will be minimal. And she will learn a valuable lesson about actions and consequences.

I hosted a party with my fair share of no shows. If a parent rings beforehand and explains that X will not be coming after all, appalling behaviour, yada yada, I would not mind - because at least you are letting them know before with apologies and a sound reason. Discipline is not frivolous.

AlmaMartyr · 21/02/2015 22:25

Sympathies, it is hard when they're testing you and I know I've made threats before and then worried because I'm not sure I can follow through (I try not to!). Honestly though, I would be bothered by it as party mum. Someone once cancelled a play date on me for this reason and while there was a part of me that respected them for it, mostly I was annoyed that I had to comfort my DCs who had behaved themselves and find a new plan. I guess a large party is different but I think I'd still be bothered.

Permanentlyexhausted · 21/02/2015 22:31

YABU. Someone didn't turn up to my DDs party once because she'd used not going as a punishment. I was very unimpressed at paying for a child that didn't turn up and we have never invited her again (she's family).

As a Brown Owl, I do get the rage with parents who use not going to Brownies as a punishment for bad behavior, although I've never said anything ... yet. I go to a lot of effort to organise activities for the girls and it's irritating when parents effectively dismiss that out of hand because they can't think of a more sensible punishment (okay, my views may be slightly clouded because, for obvious reasons, not going to Brownies cannot be a punishment option in my house!). It shows a complete lack of respect for the effort someone else is making on behalf of your child.

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 22:36

I think it's unfair.

Can you choose another punishment?

If I had done this, I might say "DS I have decided I am confiscating x / not letting you do y as your punishment. I have changed my mind about the party as I don't want the birthday girl to be upset, so you are having this punishment instead".

If you did it all the time it might be confusing but I can't see it would hurt as a one-off.

AwfulBeryl · 21/02/2015 22:36

Op, you seem to be avoiding a question. Lots of people have asked and you haven't said - how old is your dd ?
Sorry if you have just missed it, I know it's easy to do, but I do think her age makes a difference. (even though I wouldn't do it either way Grin)

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 22:37

Sorry I should have been clearer! I meant it was unfair on the birthday girl and her parents.

NutcrackerFairy · 21/02/2015 22:38

I do think it's rude... and unfair to the birthday child.

Why should they be punished by having friends drop out at the last minute?

What would happen if every parent of an invited child used the same punishment????

WineListPlease · 21/02/2015 22:41

I would never use it as a threat because I don't think it is very fair. Why should a child receive a bigger punishment, just because there happens to be a party coming up? What consequences would she face for this behaviour if the party wasn't coming up?

I don't agree with things being earned back when they are taken away. It suggests that the punishment was too harsh in the first place and the parent is undermining their own authority. How can a child learn from a consequence if they are able to undo them?

And I would be annoyed if another child was prevented from attending my child's party because the parent changed their mind. Why should my child not have his friend at his birthday party?

Yika · 21/02/2015 22:44

Good suggestion wiggly

ILovePud · 21/02/2015 22:47

I think whilst it is generally important to follow through on threats I think if on reflection the punishment is to harsh then acknowledging that can be a useful lesson that sometimes parents do get it wrong and that it's ok to say so.

IPityThePontipines · 21/02/2015 22:49

Dd1 recently had a party at a soft play place and one of her close friends couldn't attend for this very reason. It wasn't a surprise, I know the child's mum well and know that threat had been made.

Yes it was a shame, but the behaviour of the child required a significant punishment, so I understood why the mum did it.

People who couldn't be bothered responding to an invitation at all, on the other hand Angry

I am a firm believer that once you've made a promise, you have to go through with it.

claraschu · 21/02/2015 22:49

I also think it is wrong to use anything as a punishment which hurts other people. In fact, I kind of think it sets a bad example to your daughter when you are inconsiderate to her friend (by punishing in this way).

If I were you, I would explain this to your daughter and also explain how it happened: you were upset and angry and not thinking straight. Maybe you can discuss with her what kind of punishment would be equivalent but not disappoint any uninvolved person.

In fact, if punishments aren't working, maybe you need a new tack in dealing with your daughter. Do you know why she is being a pain lately?

Permanentlyexhausted · 21/02/2015 22:50

Completely agree Ilovepud.

Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 22:53

I wouldn't, and I agree with a pp who says it hurts others.

I do remember an 18th birthday party with copious amounts of food in a huge hall with barely anyone there - really embarrassing for the birthday lad and his parents, as they had paid for the room which was dependent on people turning up.

The problem with these sorts of situations is that everybody thinks 'oh, it's okay as X and Y and Z are going, I won't be missed!" But when everybody thinks like that we run into problems. Really not on IMO.

Permanentlyexhausted · 21/02/2015 22:53

I am a firm believer that once you've made a promise, you have to go through with it.

But surely that would apply to having accepted the party invite - you made a promise to go so you should.

ThunderAndFrightening · 21/02/2015 22:55

One of DS's very good friends didnt come to his party due to bad behaviour, although think it was on the day of, so more like 'I can't take you because you aren't behaving and might spoil the party', rather than a thought out consequence for poor behaviour in the days/weeks before. I couldn't get too bothered by it, one decline doesn't ruin a good party. DS certainly didn't feel punished as some posters have implied. Although obviously if everyone did it ...

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 22:55

Have you thought about instating some kind of reward system that can also be taken away, so you can use it as a threat?

DP kept issuing stupid punishments on the spur of the moment, like saying DS couldn't go to the park, when the whole reason he was acting up was because he needed to get out and run off steam. I'd hear the words coming out of my mouth, and think "no! why did I just say that?!"

So now we use pasta jar for rewards and punishment and it's working well. It hasn't made 6 year old DS a model child, far from it! But it gives us something to threaten if he's acting up, which he does, slightly surprisingly, seem to care about. In case you're interested, it works like this:

  • every time DS does something we want to reward, we give him a pasta for his jar. As well as general good behaviour, we use it to help reward specific things we want him to do, like having a good go at tying his laces, or taking the medicine he hates, and that's worked really well.
  • each pasta is worth 5p. When we're going on a trip or have a special event of some sort, DS can count up his pasta and cash them in with us for spending money. (You could also use it for pocket money, and I reckon we probably will when he starts getting it).
  • when he's misbehaving, the standard threat is that we'll take a pasta. And it seems to work! Not 100% of the time, but enough that it makes a difference - we say less stupid stuff on the spur of the moment! And I feel a bit more in control of the situation as a result.